Roseanne Barlow Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Hi At the beginning of this year, I was very depressed over a man I liked last year at work but realised he didn't feel the same way and I'd have to move on from him. I was in a low state when I returned to work. I got briefly involved with a colleague - he offered to help me out with something and it ended up us mucking around sexually in a back room on several occasions. We never had sex but I did give him oral sex on the last occasion we were together. Normally I'd never have done this kind of thing - it was sordid and shabby. I never intended it to become sexual. I never realised I was at such a low ebb emotionally, to do this. I'd never looked at this guy that way before. At one point he denied he was taking advantage, then on another occasion said, 'I am taking advantage.' So he admitted it. He said we could have no attachment to each other, although he said on several occasions 'I'm trying very hard not to get attached'. I saw no evidence of it. He never kissed me, or held me, or even wanted to hold my hand. I tried to hold him but he pushed me away. He dropped my hand when I tried to hold it. He told me on two occasions that he was 'emotionally cold and unromantic' and that was probably the truest thing he ever said to me, because he was cold all right. The coldest man I'd ever been with. I wasn't really able to respond to him sexually because of the lack of kissing, etc, and I was worried he'd think I was frigid, so that was my main motivating factor to give him oral sex. Afterwards, I said, 'What now?' And he just said, 'We go back to how things were.' I asked about meeting in future, and he said, 'We'll see... I can't think about that now... I need to focus on work, and if I think about that I won't be able to focus.' He also said he'd never forget me and hoped I wouldn't forget about him. He said he'd give me a sly wink each time we passed each other. I felt angry that he'd used me and brushed me off like that so I wrote him a letter and put it in his pigeonhole at work, asking him why couldn't he have been honest, and that I once liked and respected him but didn't any more, and that I didn't want to see or speak to him again. I told him how I was trying to get over someone else when I became involved with him and that was why I did it. (although that wasn't a conscious decision.) I was surprised when he wanted to talk about that letter. This is where I got totally confused. He claimed I'd read it wrong, he'd left it open, I was way off base. But that wasn't what he said in our last meeting. You don't say 'I'll never forget you' if you're going to see someone again, or tell them to just go back to being 'friends'. Why did he lie? And I believe he DID lie to me when he came to talk to me about the letter. He even said again, 'I'm trying not to get attached' and hinted that 'we might've had potential.' I had enough sense to stay away from him and we haven't spoken since way back in April. Something he said made me really angry - I told him that I was very fragile emotionally when I came back to work and he said, 'I sensed that and that was why I decided to help you out.' So in my mind, he took advantage of my vulnerability and that makes him no better than a predator, as far as I'm concerned. I'm still hurting over being used like that. I want to move on, but I keep wondering what was his motivation in coming back after getting that letter and lying to me? It just keeps bothering me. I realise I was absolutely dumb to even allow this to happen, and no-one needs to point this out - I've been kicking myself for months about it. As I say, I was rock-bottom emotionally, otherwise he'd NEVER have had a chance. Was he just trying to mess with my mind after that letter?
todreaminblue Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 See I would say good guys can get confused too and have doubts but them most good guys wouldnt take a girl into a back room and do oral sex.......most good guys would be respectful and not do that...i know you are an adult and made you own choice which you regret........he doesnt seem to ...it was sordid it was shabby... i think you should stop contact with this guy ...you are going to be reminded every time you see him of what happened between you, I know you feel he took advantage the other side or the coin is....you as an adult woman allowed him to take advantage......it was consensual....... so even though he was a dick you have responsiibility in what happened......leave him and move on...deb
Author Roseanne Barlow Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 Thanks, todreaminblue... you're the only one to post a reply so far. Thought I'd get a few more! I am trying to move on... he's in a different department at work, and I don't see him for weeks at a time, and only in the distance, and I avoid going places he might be. I'm hoping he might leave. I don't think for a moment he was confused... and he's not a good guy as you say... and yes, I know I had my part to play in it... but I still say his behaviour was predatory. He sensed my vulnerability and moved in right away, sex was on his agenda right from the beginning, it wasn't on mine. But I agree, I could've said no once things started getting sexual. I was wondering if he had an agenda when he came to talk to me about that letter - if he woke up horny after the blowjob, and thought he'd try and get the full goods next time - which I had no intention of giving him. And when he saw that going down the gurgler, with that letter, maybe he thought he'd come back and say I was wrong, and butter me up saying he's trying hard not to get attached. Or, he was pissed off about the letter, and thought he'd try and trick me into doing a U-turn so he could slap me down saying, 'Nope. Don't want you, go away.' and get his revenge. He knew how hungry for attention I was, you see, maybe he thought I'd come crawling back. Because I know in my heart if I had done that, he'd have refused me in a second. I know he didn't want me, so what was he up to? I suppose it doesn't matter now, but my mind keeps going back to this thing every now and then, and I just thought maybe others could give me some opinions on it, rather than keep it to myself. Guess I'll just have to try harder to leave it all behind.
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