Vel Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 (edited) I'm in this very complicated situation and I have no one else to turn to, I'm not exactly sure what to say but I hope you can hear me out and give me some experienced opinions as I pour my heart out on this thread. So 4 years ago, I met a girl and we first hated eachother first but I started being nice to her and etc etc we got together. She was head over heels in love for me, we dated for 6 months until I got sick of her and broke her heart after a week of ignoring her I just called her immature and I knew she cried all night and who knows how long it took her to get over it. I stopped talking to her for a year. I live in a small town, in which lies opportunistic problems; she moved away to another state to pursue a career in being an athlete. I started talking to her again a year later, we began falling in love again. Of course we got back together very quickly but had to deal with a long distance relationship. This time it felt a lot more intense and serious, compared to when I was younger this felt a lot better. I was 16 by then. However this is where the problems arose, I was a very confident person, I had a set dream and my life was driven to achieve them, I didn't care about others as much as I cared about myself resulting in people wanting my attention as I never gave it. So, when we got together again it was the time I transitioned to a high school, a very academic heavy and prestigious one, from my old school which was very sporty and catholic. I didn't know if it was the stress or just me growing up in general, but when I flew over to visit her after 5 months of being together again; something happened... maybe it was because she grew up and became my ideal girl? or maybe I changed? but my consciousness got twisted, and I 'noticed' her. It was like I was dreaming my whole life till that day, I fell head over heels in love for her. We were eachothers 'firsts' for everything by the end of that trip. I dont know what happened but the next 7 months edging onto the end of the year I gradually became very clingy, insecure, my life goals changed from things I wanted, to: "I have to be with her" that's all I cared about, I sacrificed everything to spend all my undivided attention with her; my family, my friends, myself, my mental state. I felt sad when she didn't return the affection and I started to push her away. Then we broke up. After that breakup she says she did it for me, because I have lost my way and ultimately she just wanted me to be happy. I knew it was for the best but I couldnt give up my feelings, I begged her and tried everything to get back and after a week she gave in. I visited her again and we had the most amazing week ever, crying in eachothers arms at the very end. So it was great again for awhile, but the same thing started happening again, this time she would start neglecting me completely and well she was a sporty tom-boyish person while I was contempt on my studies and was never into sports so she always hung around guys and such. She would always say that "If I ever had feelings for someone else I would leave you and even if I did I wouldnt have time for another boyfriend" which did help my insecurities but for the 3 months before we broke up she became more and more neglecting, I didn't know what was wrong, why I cried myself to sleep some nights and why we would argue all the time and I would get frustrated at her. She started saying things like, we "we are both dominant, we aren't compatible" and "you're not my type (sporty,academic)" etc which I never believed because we were together for so long. But I realised, I didn't really "Love" her, It felt more like I was using her for social status, and my own insecurities, but I also felt like I did love her? Then 3 weeks before we broke up, she met a "friend" of a friend, I had to deal with him and he lives far away from all of us. We had big issues against eachother and were at eachothers throats back in the past, but I had to deal with him because I wasn't petty enough to care. Then they both started spending time together and I got really insecure, he recently broke up with his long distance girlfriend and thats when he told my girl about it - first thing (incredibly suspicious, but I still comforted him). The day before we broke up, she was fine and normal but then the next day she just broke up, but this time it was different, she really didnt want to talk to me, for a week I thought we could get back together again and I gave her space but I was still hurt, a lot. I asked her if anything happened, and she said no; she was always a very honest person and I trusted her. But a week later I was backed into a corner and I lost countless hours of sleep worrying, I shouldnt of done it but I checked her messages and I saw these disgusting "i love you" etc messages to the guy mentioned before that I hated. I threw a fit and was never more angry in my life, my friends and parents helped get me through it but whats worse is that she didn't even care, didn't even say sorry, doesn't want to say a single word to me. She didn't respect me to tell me what was really happening. I didn't deserve this. I tried my best to take a positive outlook from this, doing things for myself, gym, school, goals, future. I found out a few days later that he's just using her and doesnt like her or want a relationship with her at all, he just want's her body? or presence? and that it is just a one sided love on her end. And that he thinks he's "saving" her from me because he has a biased one sided view of the 'hurt' that i've done to her, which is entirely not true and I'm not an abusive person. All our arguments are also mutual. So now she's basically sending pics to him to get him to like her, why did she just become such a... slut? Now it's a month later and I've been through a lot, NC, my emotions swinging back and forth and no one understands how deep my pain is. This upcoming january she was going to a tourny 20 minutes away from my house so she wanted to stay at my place for a week, and we were going to tell our parents about our relationship, but of course that's not happening. However I just keep asking, is this relationship shes having with him a rebound? will she ever want to talk or get back with me? can I forgive her because I believe in her honesty? Why do I keep thinking that her seeing me in january might make it different, if i so choose to let her stay? will we never talk again? will she think about me at all? will she think about the good times and not bad? I try to get over her but I'm just so angry and frustrated and lost. WHEN DID I LOSE MYSELF AND WHY, HOW? why would she do this to me? What happened to me? I left a lot of things out but I also said a lot of things, thanks for reading if you did and I know these problems are trivial but are important to me regardless. Any help, advice, opinion is appreciated Edited October 3, 2013 by Vel
a0009 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 However I just keep asking, is this relationship shes having with him a rebound? will she ever want to talk or get back with me? can I forgive her because I believe in her honesty? Why do I keep thinking that her seeing me in january might make it different, if i so choose to let her stay? will we never talk again? will she think about me at all? will she think about the good times and not bad? I try to get over her but I'm just so angry and frustrated and lost. WHEN DID I LOSE MYSELF AND WHY, HOW? why would she do this to me? What happened to me? Thats the pain you feel after being dumped by a person you loved the most and they go to the next person. You should let her go after all she seems to want him and not you. You did not lose yourself you had a chance to be heartbroken and now you feel how the other girl felt. forgive yourself, stop caring about her and care about youself, talk to people and try to live a good life. About January thats her own problem, she can get a hotel. what you are feeling will be over... Forgive yourself, love yourself and stop caring about anything about her
Author Vel Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 Thats the pain you feel after being dumped by a person you loved the most and they go to the next person. You should let her go after all she seems to want him and not you. You did not lose yourself you had a chance to be heartbroken and now you feel how the other girl felt. forgive yourself, stop caring about her and care about youself, talk to people and try to live a good life. About January thats her own problem, she can get a hotel. what you are feeling will be over... Forgive yourself, love yourself and stop caring about anything about her Thanks a lot man, I appreciate the kind words
Grumpybutfun Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Vel: You are asking all the right questions, and you are in a position to grow from this experience. With each heartbreak, you get closer to figuring out what you want in a long term relationship...what you will accept. Having boundaries and finding yourself are two very important lessons to learn. Concentrate on your healing and remember that life is a series of starts and stops and that you are the only constant so be kind to yourself. Best, Grumps
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