DDay today

[bentleychic]

Why are people trying to convince OP to stay with a husband she's no longer in love with? How is that suppose to make her happy or him for that matter?

I suggested it simply because I wasn't sure if the "not in love with BS" was due to the strong feelings that go towards the AP. Sometimes, women fall in love with their AP and the love they once had for their BS goes in hiding. If she genuinely doesn't love him and it has nothing to do with the A, of course I don't think she should continue trying.

[maybemine]

So to recap

1. Your husband had an affair 6 yrs prior

2. You were scared of what he was going to do....not necessarily afraid because of prior violence.

3. MOM is trying to reconcile with his wife....but still lying to her. And asking for you to continue the deception.

4. You don't want to continue the marriage but your husband does.

 

Is all of this correct? Just want to make sure we are all on the same page.

yes and MoM has contacted me everyday, including this morning already, but today I chose not to answer his call.

[maybemine]

That's an intelligent and valid concern.

 

For some, the affair can be the "wake up call" that finally got their attention to fix things.

 

Others do 'try for a little while' and then revert to their old ways.

 

There's no requirement here that you have to try again with your H if you truly feel that it is most likely wasted time/effort.

 

If this is how you feel...then start moving down the divorce path ASAP. Get a lawyer, start working through seperation proceedings with your H. Figure out who is moving out, and get that started this weekend.

 

Focusing on that can help you "get over" what MOM is doing to you by focusing on fixing his own marriage and ignoring you.

MOM is not ignoring me, he still wants to be with me, he's just trying to fix his marriage ALSO...

[maybemine]

@maybemine, are you still feeling afraid of your husband? Or has the fear passed now that you've finally seen him face to face?

 

His actions--comforting you while you were crying over MM, telling you he loves you and wants to work things out--do not seem like actions of a violent or dangerous man. However, they mean nothing if he has a history of violence or extreme anger.

 

It is difficult to advise you of how to handle the situation without knowing if he has ever been abusive in any way. Has he ever verbally, sexually, physically, or emotionally abused you?

 

If the answer is yes, you may want to get in touch with a women's advocacy group in your area and see if they have any advise on how to handle divorcing an abusive partner. They may be able to recommend a good lawyer who has experience in this area. Some actions, such as leaving the marital home, can impact divorce agreements, custody agreements, and the division of assets.

 

Do you suspect your H has had an affair in the past? If you have any evidence or any suspicions that could lead to evidence, you should bring that up with your attorney. If he files for D on the grounds of adultery at any point, that evidence may come in handy. I know you felt violated by his collection of evidence, but you may end up having to do the same thing to him in order to protect yourself and your children.

 

As I said before, your next step is IC and most likely MC. It's good that you're seeing through MM's actions. Many OW continue to believe their MM cares and wants to be with them even when he's throwing them under the bus after a D-Day and knee deep in lies despite having the perfect opportunity to finally be honest. Seeing an IC will help you cope with the loss of MM and deal with all these big changes that are going to be happening.

 

Seeing a MC is important even if you want a D. For your children's sake, you and your husband need to develop the most communicative and amicable co-parenting relationship possible. Divorce is hard on children, and it can impact their development severely when the divorce is messy. The MC can help you and your H decide things like how to tell the kids about the D, help you develop strategies for settling disagreements about the kids, and teach you the many little and often overlooked things you can do to make the transition easier for the kids.

 

These next few months are going to be hard. Sometimes people only fall out of love right before or once the affair starts. In those cases, the love can easily be regained if both partners put in effort and work to fix the problems in the M. If you haven't been in love with your H for a while, D may be the best option so that you both can move on. You and your H may want to try (or may be forced to, depending on how D works where you live) a trial separation before making and decisions about D. The MC can help you decide if that's a good option.

 

How do you feel when you think about your H moving on, dating other women, and even getting remarried one day?

My H has been verbally and emotionally abusive which is why I'm so confused by his current overly sympathetic attitude. In our 9 years of marriage he has hit me 2 times, neither were recent. Both involved his affair. At the moment I do not feel afraid of him, but this is why I was extremely afraid when I heard what he had done.

[Cali408]

Then you should leave him. If he was an abuser, leave. Not because you love someone else, but you won't put up with the abuse. You need to be on your own to see what life is like without either of them.

 

Has he been emtionally abusive to you in the last couple of years? Or has he changed his ways.

[maybemine]

Then you should leave him. If he was an abuser, leave. Not because you love someone else, but you won't put up with the abuse. You need to be on your own to see what life is like without either of them.

 

Has he been emtionally abusive to you in the last couple of years? Or has he changed his ways.

yes this was up until recently, when I believe he discovered I was having an affair. he's changed his ways for now....

[stillafool]

My H has been verbally and emotionally abusive which is why I'm so confused by his current overly sympathetic attitude. In our 9 years of marriage he has hit me 2 times, neither were recent. Both involved his affair. At the moment I do not feel afraid of him, but this is why I was extremely afraid when I heard what he had done.

 

I didn't know he has been physically abusive in the past. More than likely he is overly sympathetic because he wants to win you from OM. You are his property (so to speak)and he wants to show OM he can't have you.

[underwater2010]

My H has been verbally and emotionally abusive which is why I'm so confused by his current overly sympathetic attitude. In our 9 years of marriage he has hit me 2 times, neither were recent. Both involved his affair. At the moment I do not feel afraid of him, but this is why I was extremely afraid when I heard what he had done.

So my question is this...what is your version of emotional and verbal abuse? I only ask because it differs for each person and perception is the key. Also, the two times in 9 years that he hit you, what was the situation? I am NOT saying that it is okay to hit someone, just asking what exactly the situation was.

 

I only ask because when people engage in affairs they tend to distort things. The bad becomes worse and the good is not good at all.

[underwater2010]

I will tell you that I did strike my husband when he said him and his AP kissed. Am I proud of it....no. But I did. We have also said hurtful things during arguments. These could be used to say that one or both of us are emotional or verbally abusive. Especially if they are taken out of context.

[threelaurels]

Why are people trying to convince OP to stay with a husband she's no longer in love with? How is that suppose to make her happy or him for that matter?

 

I don't think anyone is trying to convince her to stay with him. She stated before that she was "confused" in light of his recent behavior and how he has responded to her after outing the affair. I was trying to figure out if the confusion was a sign that she still had feelings for him. In light of finding out he's been abusive, leaving is definitely what she needs to be doing for her sake and her kids sake.

 

My H has been verbally and emotionally abusive which is why I'm so confused by his current overly sympathetic attitude. In our 9 years of marriage he has hit me 2 times, neither were recent. Both involved his affair. At the moment I do not feel afraid of him, but this is why I was extremely afraid when I heard what he had done.

 

I think your reaction makes more sense and is a lot more understandable in light of finding out that he is an abuser. There is definitely a difference between a husband who suspects an affair and seeks out evidence and an abuser who is essentially stalking his wife. Abuse is about establishing power and control over another person, and stalking/following can be, in many ways, a form of abuse.

 

yes this was up until recently, when I believe he discovered I was having an affair. he's changed his ways for now....

 

Have you read about cycles of abuse?

 

The "honeymoon" phase is all about the abuser doing whatever they can to keep their victim in the relationship--buying gifts, apologizing, comforting, assuring that they've changed. Do you think that may be what is happening with your husband here?

 

If so, the change is only temporary, and he will be back to his old ways again soon. The only way he will ever truly change is through years of therapy. Leaving is the right thing to do.

 

However, I am concerned that, once he figures out he has no hope of reconciling, he may become abusive again, perhaps even more than ever before. I urge you to contact your local women's advocacy center and ask for advice on what to do. They can help you come up with a plan and provide you with resources.

 

I don't know if it is a good idea to be honest with him about wanting to leave until you have a safe place to go because his abuse has become physical in the past. My gut reaction is to tell you to avoid the conversation and maybe even lie until you know you and your children are safe. I hope other users chime in with their opinions on the matter.

 

Is he a substance abuser? Has he ever hurt your children?

Edited October 4, 2013 by threelaurels

[underwater2010]

I am amazed that people are jumping the gun and assuming he is abusive. Let her answer what the context of what everything was and then form an answer.

 

9 yrs and he has hit her twice....he does not sound like a serial abuser. And basic criticism can be taken as verbal and emotional abuse.

[Owl]

MOM is not ignoring me, he still wants to be with me, he's just trying to fix his marriage ALSO...

 

Well...if this is true, then working on your seperation and divorce while he's trying to fix his marriage might be beneficial to both of you still.

 

It frees you up to be with him when he's available, without concern about your H.

 

It needs to happen, regardless. Why not start now, rather than going through that pain/hardship later, when you'll want to be focusing on your time with OM after he's convinced his wife that he's not cheating on her with you still?

[bentleychic]

 

The "honeymoon" phase is all about the abuser doing whatever they can to keep their victim in the relationship--buying gifts, apologizing, comforting, assuring that they've changed. Do you think that may be what is happening with your husband here?

This describes the majority of my 16 year marriage.

 

 

9 yrs and he has hit her twice....he does not sound like a serial abuser. And basic criticism can be taken as verbal and emotional abuse.

 

Serial or not doesn't matter. A man (or woman) should NEVER put their hand on their spouse in anger. If he's hit her twice (or pushed her around or whatever), there's no excuse for it and it IS abuse.

 

I wish I had this clarity when I was IN the middle of it. It's hard to realize it while you're in the thick of it.

[cif]

My H has been verbally and emotionally abusive which is why I'm so confused by his current overly sympathetic attitude. In our 9 years of marriage he has hit me 2 times, neither were recent. Both involved his affair. At the moment I do not feel afraid of him, but this is why I was extremely afraid when I heard what he had done.

 

yes and MoM has contacted me everyday, including this morning already, but today I chose not to answer his call.

 

I'm so glad you're disconnecting from MOM. You really deserve much better than EITHER of these men.

[2sure]

Some marriages just don't work. Some spouses don't make us happy, some are even toxic. In a bad marriage , it's easy to want to be with someone who appreciates us, to be with someone we can love. Someone else.

 

All of those things are good reason for divorce. Telling your spouse you want a divorce, seeing an attorney, are all drastic but necessary parts of many of our lives. Just by bringing that conversation to the table , some couples over come the crisis and solve their problems. Those that dont, divorce and try to do so as amicably as possible.

 

But that's not a WS has chosen to do. They often don't want a divorce at all. Or they want one, but don't want to deal with he logistics of money and children and family like most other people have done. Not because their circumstances are special, just because it would be too hard. For them.

 

So, there are plenty of things a spouse can do or not do to cause their husband or wife to be unhappy in the marriage and want to live a life with someone else.

 

Some spouses may be expecting the divorce card to show up, but are still floored and heartbroken to be cheated on because....it wasn't necessary.

[maybemine]

I don't think anyone is trying to convince her to stay with him. She stated before that she was "confused" in light of his recent behavior and how he has responded to her after outing the affair. I was trying to figure out if the confusion was a sign that she still had feelings for him. In light of finding out he's been abusive, leaving is definitely what she needs to be doing for her sake and her kids sake.

 

 

 

I think your reaction makes more sense and is a lot more understandable in light of finding out that he is an abuser. There is definitely a difference between a husband who suspects an affair and seeks out evidence and an abuser who is essentially stalking his wife. Abuse is about establishing power and control over another person, and stalking/following can be, in many ways, a form of abuse.

 

 

 

Have you read about cycles of abuse?

 

The "honeymoon" phase is all about the abuser doing whatever they can to keep their victim in the relationship--buying gifts, apologizing, comforting, assuring that they've changed. Do you think that may be what is happening with your husband here?

 

If so, the change is only temporary, and he will be back to his old ways again soon. The only way he will ever truly change is through years of therapy. Leaving is the right thing to do.

 

However, I am concerned that, once he figures out he has no hope of reconciling, he may become abusive again, perhaps even more than ever before. I urge you to contact your local women's advocacy center and ask for advice on what to do. They can help you come up with a plan and provide you with resources.

 

I don't know if it is a good idea to be honest with him about wanting to leave until you have a safe place to go because his abuse has become physical in the past. My gut reaction is to tell you to avoid the conversation and maybe even lie until you know you and your children are safe. I hope other users chime in with their opinions on the matter.

 

Is he a substance abuser? Has he ever hurt your children?

no he's not a substance abuser. We have had many conversations I felt I had to "protect" the kids from his reactions to things. But he doesn't physically abuse us.

[maybemine]

So my question is this...what is your version of emotional and verbal abuse? I only ask because it differs for each person and perception is the key. Also, the two times in 9 years that he hit you, what was the situation? I am NOT saying that it is okay to hit someone, just asking what exactly the situation was.

 

I only ask because when people engage in affairs they tend to distort things. The bad becomes worse and the good is not good at all.

 

When he hit me it was after I found out about his affair. I was pregnant and told him if he didn't end it I was leaving, I found out that he was still seeing her after I had spoken to her. He became a little crazy and things got out of hand. The second time was about the same time frame, with almost identical scenario. He later apologized and told me that it was over with OW and he was fully committed to making our marriage work. Then Verbal abuse began by degrading me every chance he gets even in public to our friends and acquaintances, Calling me derogatory names when speaking to me ect. even around our children. I slowly detached from him emotionally. Not that I didn't try to talk to him and tell him what he was doing, and that I was giving up because I did try to tell him but he didn't listen.

[velvette]

What is necessary in an abusive marriage is not infidelity.

 

What is necessary is to demand that the abuse stop, that the abuser get therapy to learn why they abuse as well as tools to control their anger so they do not abuse again.

 

Additionally, what is necessary is to separate from the abuser for your own emotional and physical safety.

 

After that it is necessary to proceed to divorce or wait to see if the abuser does what you ask them to do and proceed to rebuild your M.

 

Infidelity is an unnecessary part of this process and will just confuse the issue further. Not to mention that it is abusive behavior as well.

[velvette]

To late to edit, but I wanted to add

 

The other necessary thing is that you need to get counseling and or educate yourself on abuse to understand why you allowed your H to treat you this way.

[maybemine]

The physical stuff was many years ago, he has not been physically abusive to me since. I wont answer anymore questions about this.

 

I move into my own place next week. I'll be filing for a divorce shortly after. Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

As for MOM its Day 1 of NC. He's been calling but I can't do this anymore. Needing strength not to get back into that cycle....

[ForeverHopeful1]

That lady has no business calling you. She needs to be talking to him, not you. If you don't feel comfortable lying (I wouldn't), simply don't take her call.

 

 

 

Wow. I am SO SORRY.

 

So this is how you would want to be treated? You would want the AP to hide the truth from you? Grow up. I just cant believe you are supporting this crap. Thats all it is. Pure crap. If this woman calls, the least OP could do would be to answer her questions honestly. With that said, if she starts screaming, hang up. If she has legitimate questions and wants answers about whats happened with her husband, being honest would help. Everyone. Then OP can run off into the sunset with MM. Hopefully. That's what she wants by the sound of things.

 

OP had NO business screwing this womans husband either. The least she could do is offer this woman the truth when asked, if asked. Lying for the sake of this AP is ridiculous. He is trying to save his butt and pretend she never existed by asking her to delete or erase all memory of him. He couldnt care less about OP. If his wife wants to find her, she could alternatively show up at her place of work. Answering to her on the phone may be best. She doesnt have to screw this womans husband and be a horrible wench too. Just horrible advice, by the way.

 

Be honest OP. Best policy.

[ForeverHopeful1]

The physical stuff was many years ago, he has not been physically abusive to me since. I wont answer anymore questions about this.

 

I move into my own place next week. I'll be filing for a divorce shortly after. Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

As for MOM its Day 1 of NC. He's been calling but I can't do this anymore. Needing strength not to get back into that cycle....

 

Good for you OP. Im very proud of you.

[ladydesigner]

The BS may believe that the affair wasn't necessary, but I have a feeling that the WS would adamantly disagree with this. It is seen by many WSs as a step below flat out divorce, and as a last resort before divorce becomes the ONLY choice or option. Just because one person in the relationship can't see the necessity of it, if someone chose it, it was obviously necessary for them.

 

My WH would disagree with you and so do I and we are both wayward and blind spouses to each other. It ALL could have been avoided and was definitely NOT necessary. Now we carry baggage and always will. Sure I can accept his A, but deep down I know he betrayed me and chose to do it and did it maliciously. So did I. How was any of that necessary? When people talk about childish behaviors and childish reactions. I think having A's are pretty darn childish. Everyone is acting on their feelings and tripping over themselves until someone gets hurt and then it's like wow what did I just do? I would have preferred my WH to D me I would have gotten over him and moved on. This crap has traumatized me to the point of having ptsd, talk about abuse.

[stillafool]

Good Luck Maybemine!

[ladydesigner]

Do elaborate! I think this blindness/head in sand burying does go on!

 

No meaning we have both cheated on each other. We have both put each other in bad positions and have acted badly.

 

 

That is a decision one can certainly unmake. It is advisable to do so. Some situations are simply not meant to be, no matter how much one clings.

 

I totally agree with you, I just can't unmake it yet. I'm in IC so hoping I won't always feel like this.

 

Yeah I hear you on the some things simply are not meant to be and I may clinging or my WH may be it seems we both are at the moment.

 

Answers in bold