DDay today

[TheOW]

I wish everyone on here would stop bashing the ow it's getting boring now this woman has come for help she doesn't need reminded of what she's done I'm sure she knows all too well.

 

May- first things first you have to put urself and kids first you have to forget about MM at the moment he isn't going to help you right now and he is not your priority so please stop thinking he is. I think your husband hired a PI rather than doing all pictures/recordings etc himself. If you truly are scared go to a motel for the evening. Are you scared of confrontation or scares of physical violence ? You will need to speak with him at some point and it won't be nice but as you already know it wasn't nice what you did either. Be prepared for a massive backlash in your neighbourhood (if you and mm have mutual friends) admit you done wrong, apologise but tell your husband the truth tell him you don't love him and the reasons why, if your marriage is truly over let him know.

[bentleychic]

I'm sorry you can't find the support here that you're looking for. There are definitely some better/more supportive sites out there for OW/OM if you look for them. This one tends to be more straight forward from certain people and, of course, anyone can reply and they do.

 

I wish you the best in your recovery from Dday, both in your moving on from your marriage and whatever outcome that you/MM choose from the A.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

As a FOW (and then a BS), I am being very practical in my advice. Your husband is hurt right now and maybe he just needs some time to think things through before coming home. In both of our situations (my dday and then his two years later) we both left. I actually left overnight. Sometimes it just takes time to figure out what to do.

 

All of the "evidence gathering" is very normal. I guess you could call it stalking, but when you get down to it he has the right to know what is going on in his own life. You weren't going to tell him. At least not until all of YOUR ducks were in a row. Shouldn't he have the right to do the same?

 

This is a support forum for OW but what you have to understand is that there are many of us here who have been through this and we know the outcome. Do not depend on you OM being there for you - he is dealing with his own issues at home and anything he says to you right now will not be the truth. He is in ass saving mode.

 

You, on the other hand, need to clean up your own mess. It has been blown up now - no more fantasy. It doesn't matter what your feelings are for each other, reality is here.

 

I am speaking to you as a FOW. It is going to hurt like hell so brace yourself for the emotional roller coaster you are about to get on. Get some help in the form of a counselor or a good support group. The likelihood of you OM being there for you is about 5% at best. I'm sorry for your situation. Keep reading - there is a lot of good advice here from both sides of the coin.

[ForeverHopeful1]

But its not excessive the extremes my H went, to destroy MOM? He knew conversations, and had pictures....I am leaving him. I'm worried for me and my kids because obviously he's capable of beings scarier than I once thought.

 

No more extreme than what you did by screwing another man. He had proof and came with proof before saying anything. You ****ed up. Dont put that crap on him. Take ownership

[RickFox]

He's scary because I feel like he's been stalking me. How else would he have pictures and know PERSONAL conversations we had when we were together.

 

that's what you're worried about? Im not one to talk but you've been cheating on him and humping another guy and being deceptive and you feel violated? That's nothing compared to how your husband feels

[Ruffian1]

Your H wasn't stalking. He was gathering evidence. If he did not have hard evidence you would have denied and gas-lighted him and you and MOM would have told his BW he was crazy, paranoid, etc. very typical response. You think he was deceitful by gathering evidence behind you back, angry that he accomplished it and now you cannot lie to him about the TRUTH.

 

You have just been staying with him (H) for the kids?? Is that fair to him?? Why did you not just tell him you don't love him and let him free to find someone just like you did? The kids?? It's called visitation, co-parenting, he can't keep them from you.

 

He is MIA because he has had time to decide what he wants to do, and maybe he don't feel like talking to you about it right now. Let hem go lick his wounds.

 

Then you need to tell him you don't want to be married to him anymore and begin D. Then you can go be happy with MOM or whoever.

 

This is the perfect opportunity for MOM to leave his BW for you.

I hope he doesn't keep trying to stay with is W and keep his A with you now. Not fair to her. Just sayin . . .

[lovelorcet]

It seems to me that his plan was to collect undeniable evidence to not only convince himself, but to expose the both of you to your MM's wife.

 

This leaves little room for gas lighting and blame shifting, which if I am honest, based on this thread seems to be your preferred way of dealing with conflict.

 

I don't think you have much to worry about as far as your husband's intent to carry out physical violence.

 

He has carefully thought this situation through and has most of the cards in his hands.

[crederer]

I know a woman who was having an affair get all worked up cause she told her husband she was going to her friends house. She happened to drive past him when he was on his way home from work going the complete opposite direction of her friends house. So, he obviously was suspicious at this point and followed her.

 

That's how he found out about the affair and she made it out like he was some psycho stalker, but I thought there was nothing even remotely psycho about it but she wanted to deflect attention away from her misdeeds.

 

But any ways, if you even feel remotely threatened you should get out of the house. I'm sure it's highly unlikely anything bad will happen but is that a risk you want to take? I don't know how old your kids are but I'm sure in the meantime they will be fine (unless he's showed abusive tendencies towards them in the past).

Edited October 3, 2013 by crederer

[cozycottagelg]

maybemine:

The most important thing right now is to take care of your children and make sure they feel loved. Regardless of any issues you and your husband are having, they are innocent and should be shielded from any of this drama.

Grumps

 

This, exactly. Everything else you will figure out in time.

[Goodbye]

I'm sorry you can't find the support here that you're looking for. There are definitely some better/more supportive sites out there for OW/OM if you look for them. This one tends to be more straight forward from certain people and, of course, anyone can reply and they do.

 

I wish you the best in your recovery from Dday, both in your moving on from your marriage and whatever outcome that you/MM choose from the A.

 

 

Could you PM me those boards?

[stillafool]

I'm sorry your own husband hurt you but you don't know anything about my situation or personality to make that assumption. Its not all about me....There is a man that cheated also. But I would absolutely own up to my part in the affair if I could but my husband has been M.I.A. since he exposed the affair. Should I be worried, possibly....I didn't even find out from my husband that this has happened. I only know what MOM has told me. Honestly I came here for support, I'm going through a rough time at the moment also. MOM was my best friend and confidant, and its possible that I have lost him in this also.....Sorry Bs's don't expect you to understand but our emotional affair was very deep.

 

Your husband probably hired a PI to trail you to get his evidence. The reason he is not acting out is probably because he doesn't care about you anymore. More than likely the sight of you makes him ill at this point. He is just getting his ducks in a row to leave you and get custody of his kids. He is planning something for sure but it isn't to harm you in any way. He could have done that by now and has had more than enough time to calm down and make plans to destroy you and the other man. OM will more than likely lose his job because your husband is going to work hard to make sure of that. If MM is in love with you why isn't he fighting for you instead of fighting to keep his wife? He should be the one helping and supporting you through this if he ever cared one ounce about you.

[stillafool]

But its not excessive the extremes my H went, to destroy MOM? He knew conversations, and had pictures....I am leaving him. I'm worried for me and my kids because obviously he's capable of beings scarier than I once thought.

 

Well if you are leaving him then leave now and you won't have to worry about what he does. I doubt he is going to hurt his children. He loves them and feels sorry for them as well.

[Goodbye]

Your husband probably hired a PI to trail you to get his evidence. The reason he is not acting out is probably because he doesn't care about you anymore. More than likely the sight of you makes him ill at this point. He is just getting his ducks in a row to leave you and get custody of his kids. He is planning something for sure but it isn't to harm you in any way. He could have done that by now and has had more than enough time to calm down and make plans to destroy you and the other man. OM will more than likely lose his job because your husband is going to work hard to make sure of that. If MM is in love with you why isn't he fighting for you instead of fighting to keep his wife? He should be the one helping and supporting you through this if he ever cared one ounce about you.

 

 

If he wants the kids so badly or feels she is in some way an unsafe mom, why would he take off, leaving her in charge of the kids? Wherabouts unknown?

 

Yes, he is probably assembling his case. Don't blame him really, although it still does not condone any illegal spying (which BTW, most of the stuff advocated on here IS). He should and probably will use the poster's infidelity in his divorce, and it can in some states impact the division of assets. However, unless egregious acts of neglect occurred secondary to the affair, it isn't going to impact custody. Funny how people throw that around on here.

[stillafool]

If he wants the kids so badly or feels she is in some way an unsafe mom, why would he take off, leaving her in charge of the kids? Wherabouts unknown?

 

Yes, he is probably assembling his case. Don't blame him really, although it still does not condone any illegal spying (which BTW, most of the stuff advocated on here IS). He should and probably will use the poster's infidelity in his divorce, and it can in some states impact the division of assets. However, unless egregious acts of neglect occurred secondary to the affair, it isn't going to impact custody. Funny how people throw that around on here.

 

No, he cannot get full custody of the kids and I was just throwing that in there as something that might be going through his mind after his discovery. No one said she is an unsafe mom, where did that come from? As far as condoning spying, I'm sure the husband doesn't condone his wife out screwing another man either but it happened. OP thinks it's okay that she cheats but not okay when he spys. At any rate there is no reason for her to be worried as she can leave like she plans and not have to worry about her safety.

[cif]

maybemine, how are you doing today? Did your husband come back?

 

You said that your H also cheated, do you have evidence of this. He will probably try to use your affair in the divorce and you should have your own proof also, as well as any abusive behavior.

 

I do agree with the posters that said you need to put OMM on the back burner or forget about him altogether. If he was going to be with you he would have already left his wife, instead he's attempting to work it out with her.

 

The difference between this forum and the others is here you get different perspectives. It's important and healthy to get advice other than what you want to hear to make better informed decisions. Take what you want and discard the rest.

[aliveagain]

Betrayed Spouse who divorced his wayward wife here. Your husband has done all the right things required to end infidelity in his marriage. Exposure is the first step because infidelity flourishes in the dark like mushrooms, once brought to light everyone's position is made clear. You will run to other man or you will stay and fight for your marriage, either way he now knows where you stand. Your other man is an opportunist, he knew you were available and acted on it. Now that his wife knows about his infidelity he has to decide if you are worth the financial cost and lifestyle change that is required if he leaves his wife and children for you and your children. He will never love your children the way he loves his. My guess is your husband already knows what your true feelings are and has already filed for divorce. He will be home soon, once the reality of what has happened takes hold, his lawyer would instruct him not to abandon his children. Sounds like your getting your wish, the single life with children part time. He is acting the way any abandoned husband would act like.

[peaksandvalleys]

If he wants the kids so badly or feels she is in some way an unsafe mom, why would he take off, leaving her in charge of the kids? Wherabouts unknown?

 

Yes, he is probably assembling his case. Don't blame him really, although it still does not condone any illegal spying (which BTW, most of the stuff advocated on here IS). He should and probably will use the poster's infidelity in his divorce, and it can in some states impact the division of assets. However, unless egregious acts of neglect occurred secondary to the affair, it isn't going to impact custody. Funny how people throw that around on here.

 

 

I am doing just that. I sought a lawyers advice first. Nothing I have done is illegal. I am not above going that route if I must. OP I am glad that you posted this. It gives me the courage to keep to the mission and know there is an outcome that might make me feel better.

 

If you feel your life is in jeopardy, find a safe place. There are domestic abuse hotlines that will get you and your children to safety. There are avenues that will allow you take care of your children without fear of your husband. But if you call his gathering evidence as doing something over the top or something you should be fearful of it probably nothing you should be concerned with (him doing something to you). He has chosen to stay away and clearly has consulted professionals about his actions. I have and I hope others who have the avenues follow the avenues that won't get anyone thrown into jail.

[Goodbye]

No, he cannot get full custody of the kids and I was just throwing that in there as something that might be going through his mind after his discovery. No one said she is an unsafe mom, where did that come from? As far as condoning spying, I'm sure the husband doesn't condone his wife out screwing another man either but it happened. OP thinks it's okay that she cheats but not okay when he spys. At any rate there is no reason for her to be worried as she can leave like she plans and not have to worry about her safety.

 

 

Yes, well for better or worse cheating isn't "illegal" in most states (immoral is another debate). Many forms of spying listed on this thread can be. I had my exH arrested for a GPS tracking device he installed in my car, as well as having a PI come onto my property and go through my trash. Don't assume it is legal just because you have the right to be angry. And for the record, my H was stalking me during a divorce for reasons other than infidelity...ironically HE was the cheater...sometimes being a cheater can make you paranoid.

[Goodbye]

No, he cannot get full custody of the kids and I was just throwing that in there as something that might be going through his mind after his discovery. No one said she is an unsafe mom, where did that come from? As far as condoning spying, I'm sure the husband doesn't condone his wife out screwing another man either but it happened. OP thinks it's okay that she cheats but not okay when he spys. At any rate there is no reason for her to be worried as she can leave like she plans and not have to worry about her safety.

 

 

Another poster suggested she was a negligent mother, didn't mean you'd suggested it.

[Cali408]

Welcome to D-Day!

 

I don't think people are being harsh. They are giving her reality.

 

Affairs make you insane. I was ready to blow everything up. Emotions overwhelm any sense of logic. OP is mad at her husband right now for being sneaky. She's just not in her right mind. She thinks her AP and her will still be together once things blow over.

 

Of course they won't. Her AP partner won't leave. Hear that OW's? Men don't leave. Or 99% don't leave.

 

She is playing the victim. All WS, including me do this. Right now her husband dropping a dime is the obstacle that is keeping her from true happiness.

 

Is it going to be okay? Who knows? But you need to speak with your husband and have sympathy and compassion for him. If you want to stay married, ACCEPT his investigative actions and don't bring them up. You're mad you got caught.

 

Same old story, different posters.

[harrybrown]

You should have gotten divorced before you cheated. Then you get into the affair fog.

 

You husband should have done more. Have you been tested for stds? Did you give an std to your husband?

 

You are thinking about your poor OM? What about what you did to your husband by cheating and lying to him? Should not you think about what you did to your husband and your children?

 

If your husband had an affair on you, how would you feel? So you threw your family away for the OM, and he is trying to save his marriage. Start thinking!

 

You have no future with the OM and now you should give your husband a divorce and 50/50 custody with your children.

 

Find someone new after the divorce that is not attached. If your OM would cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

[RainDown]

I hope you and your children are OK. I hope your husband is, as well. Most men are devastated when they learn their wife has been having an affair. They can also be unpredictable. Only you know your husband well enough to guage whether he is a danger to you or others.

 

I don't believe the surveillance and disclosure to the MM's wife to be excessive at all. I'm not married, but if I were and I suspected my spouse was having an affair, I'd go into surveillance mode, too. What other choice is there, really? There is no point in asking a wayward spouse if they are having an affair; 99% will lie straight to your face until the evidence is so overwhelming they can't lie anymore. You husband did what he had to do to learn the truth about his marriage and he didn't hurt anyone in the process. I don't see his behavior as scary at all; I see it as clever. Not only did he learn what he personally needed to know about his life, he also got evidence, which will come in handy when division of assets and alimony is on the table. Smart guy.

 

At this point, what's done is done. You can't change it now. The children need protection though - on both sides. I assume the adults have the coping skills required to deal with situations like this, but the children do not. All the adults involved are responsible for putting the children first and shielding them from the fallout of the affair. It will be harder for the BSs because this is all new information for them to process; you and the other man have had the truth for a long time, so you're both way ahead of the game.

 

I'm not assigning blame here, but you and your AP are obligated to fix this problem, as it is you two who created it. Protect the children, take responsibility for creating the mess, and figure out a plan to fix it.

 

I'm a FOW, for those who appear to care about such things.

[underwater2010]

Yes, my gut tells me you are sleeping with the enemy, you do not feel safe in his presence, people die over this kinda stuff, you don't know what he's capable of, so please stay away.

Hahahahaha....she is sleeping with the enemy. Are you speaking of her husband or the MOM. Seriously...I am pretty sure if he wanted to do something and get away with it he would have done it already. Her husband is being very calm and calculated. In other words....very SMART.

 

And may I ask if you would have called her the enemy if her husband was posting instead?

[ComingInHot]

maybemine,

I am so SO Sorry you have chosen to go through all of this with yourself, your children and your H and families!!

I believe it's time cor EVERY ONE of you to do what is needed to keep yourselves emotionally safe.

 

I can't even begin to understand the horror you are having to go through knowing it is because of your choices.

 

the Not knowing would have me on edge as well.

 

I was thinking, since "everybody" knows the Truth (at least of the A), you're going to find out who your real friends are. Maybe best to reach out and learn who is going to be there for you and your loved ones now. Can you go to your parents? Siblings?

Tell them what You Know/believe.

 

the truth of your cheating is out there so no use denying that BUT there is also what You Feel, and those that know you and your H should understand.

 

Seeking the truth about your M, Life and spouse ia NOT stalking. It is You getting Busted.

 

Well, it happened. What You say and do Now will be very telling to Your H, children, families and friends.

 

Good luck in all of this*

CIH

[Owl]

Your H wasn't stalking. He was gathering evidence. If he did not have hard evidence you would have denied and gas-lighted him and you and MOM would have told his BW he was crazy, paranoid, etc. very typical response. You think he was deceitful by gathering evidence behind you back, angry that he accomplished it and now you cannot lie to him about the TRUTH.

 

You have just been staying with him (H) for the kids?? Is that fair to him?? Why did you not just tell him you don't love him and let him free to find someone just like you did? The kids?? It's called visitation, co-parenting, he can't keep them from you.

 

He is MIA because he has had time to decide what he wants to do, and maybe he don't feel like talking to you about it right now. Let hem go lick his wounds.

 

Then you need to tell him you don't want to be married to him anymore and begin D. Then you can go be happy with MOM or whoever.

 

This is the perfect opportunity for MOM to leave his BW for you.

I hope he doesn't keep trying to stay with is W and keep his A with you now. Not fair to her. Just sayin . . .

 

OP, you should seriously consider what's been said in this post.

 

I'd also like to ask...what outcome are you hoping to have now that it's all out in the open?

 

What 'goal' should you be working towards now? Have you contacted a lawyer to start divorce? You don't love your H, he's clearly hurt by the affair...seems to me like the right time to end the marriage.

 

You really need to figure out what you want, and start working towards that goal.