Stuck living with my ex.

[Nimiety]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for a while, and decided I needed to get the events of my (unfortunately ongoing) breakup off of my chest, and get some additional feedback.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I have been together for over 7 years. We met online, and after nearly two years of emails, IMs, and phone calls I made the plunge and moved cross country to be with her. Of those 7 years, 6 of them were quite happy. They were by no means perfect, but we were two imperfect people working together to better ourselves and each other, and to have an imperfectly happy (but ever improving) life together.

 

A little over 2 years ago, we moved cross country together, taking her away from her established relationships with friends and family. We moved because I got into graduate school, and for the first time both of us were making a new life without the comfort and safety of having friends and family nearby. Things were hard at first, but we pulled together, she found work, and things seemed to stabilize.

 

Then I learned that my father had been convicted of attempting to lure a minor.

 

That tore me apart. It opened my eyes to just how dysfunctional my family was - something my ex always new, always complained about, and always talked down to me over (as I say, we were imperfect people, the both of us) - and it completely broke my heart. I've never seen my parents the same way again, and I doubt I ever will. I'm still trying to forgive my father for the hurt and suffering he caused me with this, and I'm not sure there I will ever be able to fully forgive him for what he attempted (and may have succeeded at in the past).

 

In that moment, I needed my ex more than ever, but she seemed preoccupied with showing me how wrong I was about him, my mother, and my whole familial relationship. I think she made it about taking sides - either believing her, or believing my parents. She never believed me when I told her that I believed her, because I trusted the courts. She just saw the man I was turn into a heartbroken, struggling boy, and seemed to decide that there was no "fixing" me.

 

Our relationship decayed following that. Things started to unravel in my life. Our pet got sick, and eventually died due to bone cancer. My grandmother died. I didn't get accepted into the PhD programme at my school. My (what I believe PUAs call, not that I heed PUA advice) "value" dropped.

 

Then this guy got hired into my ex's office. He was a friend of my ex's sister, so we helped him move into his new apartment. The three of us all became rather friendly. Then she started becoming extra friendly toward him. All the while (as I've come to learn), my ex's sister was encouraging her to dump me. The sister was actually pushing for my ex and her friend to hook up. The sister actually tried to hook them up before, around the time my ex and I first met online.

 

Well, crap went down at her office. People started to notice that she was being really friendly with the new guy, and started to gossip a bit about the two of them hooking up behind my back. My ex was devastated by this questioning of her honour, and I stood by my ex, let her know that I believed her. The new guy also didn't much care for this, and threatened to talk to the gossips. He felt he had a good friendship on his hands, and he didn't want it getting screwed up by all of this talk.

 

My ex, of course, insisted all the while that there was nothing happening with this guy. Except for this one time, where she woke me up in the middle of the night to admit that she was emotionally cheating on me with him (and, oh, by the way, just say so and I'll never talk to him again.)

 

So of course, my ex dumped me a few weeks later and almost immediately began pursuing this guy. Who she had continued to talk to all that time. This just crushed me. I knew she had become unhappy in our relationship, and I accepted the breakup for that reason. But when she told me that she wanted to be alone, didn't want to see anybody else or anything, and then immediately tried to start jumping this guys bones... It killed me.

 

At this point, the obvious thing to do would have been to start NC, heal, grow, and get on with my life. Unfortunately, we're still living together. I didn't finish up my schooling until a couple of weeks ago, and I haven't managed to find a job yet. I can't afford to leave. For weeks, I've had to watch as she "does our relationship the honour it deserves" by walking out to be with another man. The one she promised not to see anymore. The one she swore up and down that there was nothing going on with. The one I helped move into his home, and the one I thought was going to be a good friend.

 

Well, it's her life, and she's a single woman now, and she can date whomever she chooses, but I've found the whole thing to be completely distasteful and entirely disrespectful toward me.

 

Now, things aren't so rosy with the new guy. Apparently he's a workaholic. He has no time for her. He doesn't actually seem to have any interest in her physically, and he's entirely emotionally unavailable. He's also just recently dumped his own girlfriend. My ex is now rebounding off of him hard, and he's letting her drop to the ground with a thud.

 

Last week she tried to go over to his place after work, likely with the hope of heating things up a bit, and apparently he just took her straight home. They had a fight in the car. Her birthday was this past Sunday, and he didn't do anything. Didn't even get her a card. He's now out of town (has been since Sunday) at a job interview cross country. Since then, my ex has been very friendly with me.

 

I got her a (very small) birthday gift, and a nice card.

 

The day after her birthday she looked like ****. She was having a terrible time of it. She felt completely unattractive, totally sad, and like a failure at life. I probably shouldn't have, but I tried to perk her up, with great success. I let her know what a great person I thought she was, and it really cheered her up.

 

Yesterday I chose to go to a movie by myself. I let her know what I was doing. She got really upset. She's now feeling very, very guilty about hurting me in all of this. I told her that I didn't want her to feel guilty. That I wanted her to be happy, and that I believed she deserved to be happy.

 

I came back sad. Noticeably sad. I couldn't maintain composure. She told me she didn't want me going to the movies alone again. That I should ask her to come with. I told her that I didn't think that was a good idea, because I'm still not over our relationship, and I still want to be with her, and I didn't think that was fair to me.

 

Today she's apologized twice for hurting me, and told me twice that she feels really guilty. She doesn't want to get back together, mind you, but she wants me to be HAPPY, and she feels sorry and guilty about hurting me. I told her that I also wanted her to be happy, and that I understood why she broke up with me, but that I'm not going to promise her that I will be happy simply to alleviate her guilty conscience.

 

She's been pushing me to start dating for weeks now, I suspect for the same reason. She's been feeling guilty about dating this guy, and about hurting me. I've had to keep telling her that I'm not going to be ready to start dating again very a long, long time, and that I don't appreciate being pressured into it.

 

 

I love this woman, and I dearly want her to be happy. Right now, however, I'm deeply, deeply wounded, and I'm stuck living with her until I can either find a job, or secure a loan from friends and family (which isn't likely to be coming, unfortunately).

 

I dearly want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, but I recognize that, right now, neither one of us are in a position to reconcile. She hates her job, she has lost a lot of self-confidence, she has few close friends here, she's away from family, and I went through a series of personal blows that drove my anxiety through the roof. She seems to be going through some sort of mid-life crisis and has blamed me and our relationship for it (unfairly, I believe, at least in the extent that she's taken it).

 

She still tells me that I'm a "great guy" and that I'm going to "have women crawling all over [me]". It's just that "we weren't a good fit". This is all coming post fallout-with-the-new-guy. It's clear that she loves me deeply - I can see it in her eyes! (We danced on her birthday, and she had the in-love-eyes; shortly thereafter, she ran away back to her room).

 

I know there's still a strong spark there, but we're both hurting very much, and we both need to get out and stay away. I've done my best to make sure that there are some truly happy, deep, and meaningful memories while we've been stranded together, so that she'll have something other than the pain of our breakup and the times leading up to it to remember me by.

 

I've tried to do everything I can to make sure that, once I'm gone and on my own, she'll miss me.

 

I know there are no guarantees that she'll come back, once I move out. But I also know that, even if she turned around tomorrow and said she wanted to try again that I wouldn't be ready. And I'd know that she wasn't, either.

 

That's my story. Now, the questions:

 

What can I do to help myself move on while still stuck here. I've been working out, and trying to lose weight. I've been spending more time with friends. I've been trying to beat my social anxiety, and become more assertive in my personal relationships. I've gotten a new haircut, and I've started eating healthier. I just need more help in making all of this happen while still living with her.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

[lovesucks76]

Tough man! If I were you I would try to find a job and move on with my life and not look back. How would you be able to trust her again? I don't think so, let her go then. Sounds like she wants what she can't have. Well, stop being a doormat to her then and move on with your life. She probably will find more attractive if you stop being this super nice type of guy.

 

If you have any chance of getting back together you will need to hold your feelings back a bit too and don't shower her with gifts or compliments. She's just a friend now. Enough is enough. Get your balls back man and stop the madness. You don't want to make it too easy for her, remember she cheated on you with another guy and the dumped you.

 

She told you to go out and date, do it! Find yourself a date and try stepping out and see how you feel. I know you don't really want to but maybe it would help you. Fake it until you make it dude!

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for a while, and decided I needed to get the events of my (unfortunately ongoing) breakup off of my chest, and get some additional feedback.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I have been together for over 7 years. We met online, and after nearly two years of emails, IMs, and phone calls I made the plunge and moved cross country to be with her. Of those 7 years, 6 of them were quite happy. They were by no means perfect, but we were two imperfect people working together to better ourselves and each other, and to have an imperfectly happy (but ever improving) life together.

 

A little over 2 years ago, we moved cross country together, taking her away from her established relationships with friends and family. We moved because I got into graduate school, and for the first time both of us were making a new life without the comfort and safety of having friends and family nearby. Things were hard at first, but we pulled together, she found work, and things seemed to stabilize.

 

Then I learned that my father had been convicted of attempting to lure a minor.

 

That tore me apart. It opened my eyes to just how dysfunctional my family was - something my ex always new, always complained about, and always talked down to me over (as I say, we were imperfect people, the both of us) - and it completely broke my heart. I've never seen my parents the same way again, and I doubt I ever will. I'm still trying to forgive my father for the hurt and suffering he caused me with this, and I'm not sure there I will ever be able to fully forgive him for what he attempted (and may have succeeded at in the past).

 

In that moment, I needed my ex more than ever, but she seemed preoccupied with showing me how wrong I was about him, my mother, and my whole familial relationship. I think she made it about taking sides - either believing her, or believing my parents. She never believed me when I told her that I believed her, because I trusted the courts. She just saw the man I was turn into a heartbroken, struggling boy, and seemed to decide that there was no "fixing" me.

 

Our relationship decayed following that. Things started to unravel in my life. Our pet got sick, and eventually died due to bone cancer. My grandmother died. I didn't get accepted into the PhD programme at my school. My (what I believe PUAs call, not that I heed PUA advice) "value" dropped.

 

Then this guy got hired into my ex's office. He was a friend of my ex's sister, so we helped him move into his new apartment. The three of us all became rather friendly. Then she started becoming extra friendly toward him. All the while (as I've come to learn), my ex's sister was encouraging her to dump me. The sister was actually pushing for my ex and her friend to hook up. The sister actually tried to hook them up before, around the time my ex and I first met online.

 

Well, crap went down at her office. People started to notice that she was being really friendly with the new guy, and started to gossip a bit about the two of them hooking up behind my back. My ex was devastated by this questioning of her honour, and I stood by my ex, let her know that I believed her. The new guy also didn't much care for this, and threatened to talk to the gossips. He felt he had a good friendship on his hands, and he didn't want it getting screwed up by all of this talk.

 

My ex, of course, insisted all the while that there was nothing happening with this guy. Except for this one time, where she woke me up in the middle of the night to admit that she was emotionally cheating on me with him (and, oh, by the way, just say so and I'll never talk to him again.)

 

So of course, my ex dumped me a few weeks later and almost immediately began pursuing this guy. Who she had continued to talk to all that time. This just crushed me. I knew she had become unhappy in our relationship, and I accepted the breakup for that reason. But when she told me that she wanted to be alone, didn't want to see anybody else or anything, and then immediately tried to start jumping this guys bones... It killed me.

 

At this point, the obvious thing to do would have been to start NC, heal, grow, and get on with my life. Unfortunately, we're still living together. I didn't finish up my schooling until a couple of weeks ago, and I haven't managed to find a job yet. I can't afford to leave. For weeks, I've had to watch as she "does our relationship the honour it deserves" by walking out to be with another man. The one she promised not to see anymore. The one she swore up and down that there was nothing going on with. The one I helped move into his home, and the one I thought was going to be a good friend.

 

Well, it's her life, and she's a single woman now, and she can date whomever she chooses, but I've found the whole thing to be completely distasteful and entirely disrespectful toward me.

 

Now, things aren't so rosy with the new guy. Apparently he's a workaholic. He has no time for her. He doesn't actually seem to have any interest in her physically, and he's entirely emotionally unavailable. He's also just recently dumped his own girlfriend. My ex is now rebounding off of him hard, and he's letting her drop to the ground with a thud.

 

Last week she tried to go over to his place after work, likely with the hope of heating things up a bit, and apparently he just took her straight home. They had a fight in the car. Her birthday was this past Sunday, and he didn't do anything. Didn't even get her a card. He's now out of town (has been since Sunday) at a job interview cross country. Since then, my ex has been very friendly with me.

 

I got her a (very small) birthday gift, and a nice card.

 

The day after her birthday she looked like ****. She was having a terrible time of it. She felt completely unattractive, totally sad, and like a failure at life. I probably shouldn't have, but I tried to perk her up, with great success. I let her know what a great person I thought she was, and it really cheered her up.

 

Yesterday I chose to go to a movie by myself. I let her know what I was doing. She got really upset. She's now feeling very, very guilty about hurting me in all of this. I told her that I didn't want her to feel guilty. That I wanted her to be happy, and that I believed she deserved to be happy.

 

I came back sad. Noticeably sad. I couldn't maintain composure. She told me she didn't want me going to the movies alone again. That I should ask her to come with. I told her that I didn't think that was a good idea, because I'm still not over our relationship, and I still want to be with her, and I didn't think that was fair to me.

 

Today she's apologized twice for hurting me, and told me twice that she feels really guilty. She doesn't want to get back together, mind you, but she wants me to be HAPPY, and she feels sorry and guilty about hurting me. I told her that I also wanted her to be happy, and that I understood why she broke up with me, but that I'm not going to promise her that I will be happy simply to alleviate her guilty conscience.

 

She's been pushing me to start dating for weeks now, I suspect for the same reason. She's been feeling guilty about dating this guy, and about hurting me. I've had to keep telling her that I'm not going to be ready to start dating again very a long, long time, and that I don't appreciate being pressured into it.

 

 

I love this woman, and I dearly want her to be happy. Right now, however, I'm deeply, deeply wounded, and I'm stuck living with her until I can either find a job, or secure a loan from friends and family (which isn't likely to be coming, unfortunately).

 

I dearly want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, but I recognize that, right now, neither one of us are in a position to reconcile. She hates her job, she has lost a lot of self-confidence, she has few close friends here, she's away from family, and I went through a series of personal blows that drove my anxiety through the roof. She seems to be going through some sort of mid-life crisis and has blamed me and our relationship for it (unfairly, I believe, at least in the extent that she's taken it).

 

She still tells me that I'm a "great guy" and that I'm going to "have women crawling all over [me]". It's just that "we weren't a good fit". This is all coming post fallout-with-the-new-guy. It's clear that she loves me deeply - I can see it in her eyes! (We danced on her birthday, and she had the in-love-eyes; shortly thereafter, she ran away back to her room).

 

I know there's still a strong spark there, but we're both hurting very much, and we both need to get out and stay away. I've done my best to make sure that there are some truly happy, deep, and meaningful memories while we've been stranded together, so that she'll have something other than the pain of our breakup and the times leading up to it to remember me by.

 

I've tried to do everything I can to make sure that, once I'm gone and on my own, she'll miss me.

 

I know there are no guarantees that she'll come back, once I move out. But I also know that, even if she turned around tomorrow and said she wanted to try again that I wouldn't be ready. And I'd know that she wasn't, either.

 

That's my story. Now, the questions:

 

What can I do to help myself move on while still stuck here. I've been working out, and trying to lose weight. I've been spending more time with friends. I've been trying to beat my social anxiety, and become more assertive in my personal relationships. I've gotten a new haircut, and I've started eating healthier. I just need more help in making all of this happen while still living with her.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

 

Wow......that story.....

 

Well, first, I want to say how sorry I am for what is going on. All this HAS to feel pretty weird/bad/sad/etc. I KNOW what its like to have family issue EXACTLY like the ones you are/have dealt with (to a tee). It seems like you have 1,000 things on your plate at the same time (as I did as well) and its hard to decipher which way to go. Life's hard for a pimp.

 

Now, I guess its time for the advice part. Look, the steps you are taking are the right ones. Trying to move forward is what you are doing, and that is great. Of course, you had some hiccups along the way, but it seems like you have a level head right now. Thats a lot better than I can say for some on here. Being in a relationship THAT long can take its toll on you emotionally and physically when it ends. I totally understand how you feel.

 

There really isnt anything that you can do that you are NOT doing. Going with friends, staying away, working out....all things that you are doing. You are in a situation right now that is tough. Your best line of action is keep looking for places to move and try to do that ASAP. Getting away from the situation will obviously help. I know its hard to not talk to someone who lives IN the same place and has been your GF for so long, but you need to stay away from seeing her, talking to her...as MUCH as possible.

 

I can't tell you where your road will lead (or hers). How old are you guys? I've learned through my own breakup and others on here that when times get tough, you just have to keep moving forward. You get what you put in....if you dont want to feel like this anymore, you just have to keep pushing forward. Come on here anytime you feel down. This site helps a lot.

[lindsay1990]

Just read the title of this post and all I have to say is:

 

*shudders*

 

 

Move out as soon as you can. I stayed 23 days after BU.

 

 

*shudders some more*

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lq1eoiAYfe1qf4mr2.gif

[Nimiety]

Just read the title of this post and all I have to say is:

 

*shudders*

 

Yeah, it hasn't been easy. Then again, it hasn't been all bad.

 

But it has been more bad than good, that's for sure.

 

 

Well, first, I want to say how sorry I am for what is going on. All this HAS to feel pretty weird/bad/sad/etc. I KNOW what its like to have family issue EXACTLY like the ones you are/have dealt with (to a tee). It seems like you have 1,000 things on your plate at the same time (as I did as well) and its hard to decipher which way to go. Life's hard for a pimp.

 

Yeah, it has sucked, especially since the person I was relying on to keep me afloat through it all suffered her own crisis of confidence, and it ended up being me trying to buoy her through it all.

 

I suspect what ultimately happened was that she had been relying on me to help her through the pain of being away from family and friends, and of hating her job, and a bunch of other stuff. Her self-confidence hit rock bottom quickly after graduating; she thought she'd be able to walk away with her degree straight into a rewarding job. When she couldn't get work immediately, she sought out some advice from a manager in the field she wanted to work in (social justice) and was basically told that they didn't have entry level positions. That she would have to do some volunteer work, and/or that she should get ahold of a couple of people and see what they could do for her. It crushed her, and she never followed up with those contacts. Or pursued a job in her field at all. She just gave up.

 

She needed me to carry here through that, and I did my best, but then the **** with my father went down and he dragged everybody else down with him. The fact that I went down, too, really shook my ex's confidence in me. The fact that it triggered my anxiety and turned me into a complete wreck for 6 months did the rest.

 

Six months later we were in couples counseling. The counselor told us A) that if it were him, he'd leave the relationship, and B) that the relationship was fixable, with some work. Just like with the job search, she heard A) and stopped listening. The part that involved doing work? Nope. I probably should have walked away when she refused to go back, but I didn't.

 

My ex needs help. She needs to seek counseling, but she won't. She's terrified of being labeled or branded "crazy". Because she honestly believes that she's mentally ill (she's not). She had an abusive father growing up (probably why she fought so hard to turn my father's BS into a her-vs-him thing), and thinks that his "craziness" (abuse) was genetic. If she'd just go and work out her issues, she'd realize that she scapegoated me and our relationship for much of her unhappiness.

 

That's not saying I didn't contribute. My sex drive entirely dried up after my father's conviction, and it's hard to keep things happy in the relationship when they're not happy in the bedroom. She felt unattractive, and I and my issues did that to her. I don't blame her for that, but then, I don't blame me for it, either. I tried to work through these issues, and I'm still trying. While my sex drive has been slowly coming back, it's very sporadic, and, obviously, she's no longer interested in taking advantage of that.

 

Now, I guess its time for the advice part. Look, the steps you are taking are the right ones. Trying to move forward is what you are doing, and that is great. Of course, you had some hiccups along the way, but it seems like you have a level head right now. Thats a lot better than I can say for some on here. Being in a relationship THAT long can take its toll on you emotionally and physically when it ends. I totally understand how you feel.

 

I'm trying to keep a level head, as best as I can. My ex hasn't been making it easy. For one thing, she's actually been sending incredibly mixed messages. She keeps telling me that she's over me, that she's moved on, and that she's happy with the new man. Yet every time the two of them go out, she comes home and runs immediately to her room, and the next morning she feels the need to tell me "don't worry, nothing happened". Every time they talk, she gets incredibly mopy and sad. She keeps trying to talk to me about him (in spite of the fact that I've made it clear that any discussion about him with me is absolutely forbidden), and when she does she makes him sound like a complete *******. So far I've learned that he's a workaholic, that he has no time for her, that he's been cold to her sexual advances (something that I've actually heard from an involved 3rd party, as well), that he's "sad" about his ex, that he's "sad" about what the two of them have done to me, and that he "feels bad" about being involved with her after I tried to be a good friend to him.

 

That's an awful lot to have heard from her considering I've told her repeatedly that I don't want to hear anything. She's found some interesting ways to tell me that she's not happy.

 

Plus, she's told me on two occasions that she's still mourning our relationship, and another time that she's sad about our breaking up.

 

And now that things between her and the new guy are on the rocks, she's returned to calling me pet names (suddenly I'm "Dear" and "Honey" again).

 

She keeps saying that things are over, but she keeps telling me that they're not. Given enough time apart, she's ultimately going to have to come to terms with that.

 

But for now, it makes things really difficult.

 

There really isnt anything that you can do that you are NOT doing. Going with friends, staying away, working out....all things that you are doing. You are in a situation right now that is tough. Your best line of action is keep looking for places to move and try to do that ASAP. Getting away from the situation will obviously help. I know its hard to not talk to someone who lives IN the same place and has been your GF for so long, but you need to stay away from seeing her, talking to her...as MUCH as possible.

 

I've limited contact as much as possible, particularly after she started dating the new guy. We had a mutual friend stay with us last week, which ushered in the first meaningful interaction between us in almost 2 months. It was going to go back to LC after our friend left, but that day seems to have been the one where the new guy really blew her off, and she got fed up with chasing someone who wasn't interested. Two days later was her birthday, and she was having a really crappy day of it. I wasn't about to let that happen. We've been very friendly since, but I don't plan on that lasting. I'm just taking advantage of these times right now to leave her with good memories of me while she's receptive to them.

 

I have enough money secured to pay for first month's rent and damage deposit, so as soon as I find a job I can be out, but I need to secure long-term funding in order to make the move. Signing a lease while only being able to pay for the first month would be a disaster right now. And as soon as I'm out, we'll be going NC.

 

I can't tell you where your road will lead (or hers). How old are you guys? I've learned through my own breakup and others on here that when times get tough, you just have to keep moving forward. You get what you put in....if you dont want to feel like this anymore, you just have to keep pushing forward. Come on here anytime you feel down. This site helps a lot.

 

She just turned 31, and I'll be following suit in 6 weeks. We were both 22 when we first met online.

 

I'm actually slowly getting better. I've tried to let go of our relationship, and I've come to terms with the fact that it's over. If the two of us ever get back together, it will be a new relationship between two people who have healed and grown since they were last together. I'm letting go of what we had, but I'm trying to let go with love and understanding.

 

I haven't given up on me, but I have a lot of pain to work through. I need to figure out things with my family, first and foremost. I have no idea how to move forward with my relationship with my parents. I don't want to end it entirely (especially since I'm financially reliant on them for help with first month's rent at the moment), but the relationship I had with them is also over, and a new, much more limited one, needs to be negotiated.

 

I also haven't given up on her. She's going to be forced to face herself at some point. The new guy seems to have utterly resisted her attempts to rebound with him, and I don't think she'll hang around and chase him too much longer. I can handle the idea of her dating someone else much more easily than I can handle the idea of her dating him. She's already told me (not that I put much weight in it right now) that she's not looking for a relationship, but she wants to make new friends, and maybe date casually. I think that's very healthy, and will not only help her work through her grass-is-greener stuff (which she clearly has some of right now), but it will hopefully give herself the time and space she needs to really reflect on herself. I'm really looking forward to having some of that myself, frankly.

 

Our mutual friend is utterly convinced that my ex is "addicted" to me, and this week has really shown that to me. I'm afraid that by letting her go, she'll never come back, but I know I can't make those decisions for her. All I can do is work on myself, heal, grow, and put myself out there and hope she notices. I'm not going to waste my time waiting around in stasis, pining for her. That our friend seems to think my ex far more invested in me than she's willing to admit even to herself leaves me with the confidence to disconnect and move forward with confidence.

 

I'm glad I found this website. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

[Nimiety]

Aaaaaand an about 180. The new guy's apparently back in town after job interviews cross country. Last night, I found the ex sitting sadly in the living room, with her phone in hand. I didn't ask, I just said good night.

 

This morning it's a lot clearer. It was my turn to sit sadly in the living room. When she popped out, I got an impromptu lecture on being depressed (I'm not; I'm grieving. I've been depressed before, and I know the difference), and told that I should seek professional help (I am seeking it, and have been for nearly two years). She told me I was a mess, and obviously a broken man as I don't "own" anything (i.e. I don't have an apartment of my own, since I agreed to let her have ours).

 

When I told her I was trying to get out ASAP, but that I just didn't have the funds to up and leave, she freaked at me. Told me that I was ruining her life, that I was toxic, and that I made her want to kill herself. These occasional outbursts of blame and name calling have become expected. Then she dropped the other shoe: She can't move on while I'm there, and the other guy won't move on with her while I'm there.

 

In other words, he told her last night that he wasn't comfortable being with her while I was still in the picture.

 

This is, quite frankly, an excuse on his part. He's been very clearly not into her, but stringing her along. She's available to him, and he's put her firmly in his back pocket. I've come to know the guy as something of a player and as a user of women, and my ex is just begging to be used.

 

I knew I'd get scapegoated for the eventual fallout of her thing with this guy. I was really hoping to be long gone before that happened. It looks like it will be happening soon, however. Sh*t.

[darkmoon]

scapegoat? you wrote...."(i.e. I don't have an apartment of my own, since I agreed to let her have ours)"....un-agree it then, she can live with the guy if they are so bonded then living together can come soon, stop being so nice to her, call his bluff, un-agree the arrangement with the flat, you will meet some cutie who wants to visit, you are a man you have needs, best to organise a life that suits you not somebody else's drama

Edited October 3, 2013 by darkmoon

[Nimiety]

scapegoat? you wrote...."(i.e. I don't have an apartment of my own, since I agreed to let her have ours)"....un-agree it then, she can live with the guy if they are so bonded then living together can come soon, stop being so nice to her, call his bluff, un-agree the arrangement with the flat, you will meet some cutie who wants to visit, you are a man you have needs, best to organise a life that suits you not somebody else's drama

 

That sounds all well and good, except for two factors: A) I can't afford the apartment (I can't afford any apartment right yet; kicking her out would pretty much doom me to bankruptcy), and B) I don't want the apartment. That was our home for two years. I don't need the constant memory of her absence in that space.

 

Let her deal with my absence from it, once I can afford to get out of there.

 

Her relationship problems with the unavailable player are none of my concern, nor do I particularly care about them. Except for the fact that I'm now in the position to get all of the blow back from her throwing herself at him, and him constantly rejecting her.

[darkmoon]

That sounds all well and good, except for two factors: A) I can't afford the apartment (I can't afford any apartment right yet; kicking her out would pretty much doom me to bankruptcy), and B) I don't want the apartment. That was our home for two years. I don't need the constant memory of her absence in that space.

 

Let her deal with my absence from it, once I can afford to get out of there.

 

Her relationship problems with the unavailable player are none of my concern, nor do I particularly care about them. Except for the fact that I'm now in the position to get all of the blow back from her throwing herself at him, and him constantly rejecting her.

 

 

blowback, yes, I see, well, email him, you do not want to impose by talking in person, assuring him that your presence is not forever, that you also spend a lot of time on-line (you do now!) so barely even talk to her - and - that you wish them every happiness

 

 

my 2 cents is that he'll drop her outright since the email is so near to verbiage used at engagements and weddings he will run, wishing them every happiness no more blowback, something along those lines, I can't think of much else

Edited October 3, 2013 by darkmoon

[Nimiety]

blowback, yes, I see, well, email him, you do not want to impose by talking in person, assuring him that your presence is not forever, that you also spend a lot of time on-line (you do now!) so barely even talk to her - and - that you wish them every happiness

 

 

my 2 cents is that he'll drop her outright since the email is so near to verbiage used at engagements and weddings he will run, wishing them every happiness no more blowback, something along those lines, I can't think of much else

 

 

Don't think I haven't thought about it, but ultimately, after talking to my therapist, my friends, and to mutual friends, I don't think that's actually a healthy response.

 

Ultimately, I'm not angry at my ex. I'm very, very hurt by her actions, but she did the right thing by ending our relationship when she decided she wanted to go after this guy. I can't and won't blame her for that. I've told her that I wish her all of the happiness in the world, and that I'm not interested in interfering with her and the new guy; I've also told her that she offered to let me stay in our shared home until I was on my feet, and that I expect her to hold up her end of that agreement.

 

This guy's just using me as an excuse. Going to him and telling him to cut it out is just going to be seen as a petty act of aggression by my ex. I'm not looking to give her any excuse to hate on me any more than she already is.

 

I really just want to get out ASAP and let her figure things out for herself on her own. Whenever that happens (she's doing her absolute best to make sure she's not spending any real time on her own, thinking about her, and us, and the fallout of everything; she's spending her time obsessing over this guy who's just stringing her along).

 

As it is, she threatened to walk out on our lease, and I threatened to call a lawyer. She's apparently delusional enough to think that if the lawyers get brought in, she'll wind up on the winning side. She won't. But I don't want to have to do that. I'm merely letting her know that I will defend myself and my livelihood if push comes to shove.

[Nimiety]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this, Nimiety and I'm not sure I have any great, earth-shattering advice for you.

 

Please know that you are not alone in your circumstances or your feelings . . . and while you may not be alone, sometimes we have to find the way that works best for us. With that in mind, I wanted to share a couple online articles and blog posts that hopefully will offer encouragement and possibly even be helpful.

 

Breakup Blues

 

Buddies After a Breakup

 

Hang in there!!

 

Thanks, oscarsmom. I, like I'm sure most people here, really appreciate the support. I've been doing my best to follow the advice I've gotten from friends and family, and from the internet. It's helped a lot, but I've been completely denied the ability to go NC for the time being, which has made things pretty rough.

 

I'm still reeling from the whole thing, really. This thing with the other guy, which seems destined for disaster, is a very big sore spot. Both because she lied to me about there being any interest there between the two of them, but also because immediately after the breakup she told me that she wanted "space", and that she wanted to "be alone". Three weeks later, she was trying to jump this guy.

 

I've tried to be respectful. I've tried to do the honourable thing, and bow out. But she's had spats of severe disrespect and dishonour, and she ultimately projects all of those feelings onto me. She also has accused me of hanging around because I want to, so as to ruin her budding "relationship" with the new guy. I want nothing of the sort. I fully believe in the love that we shared, and I fully believe in the love that I still have for her, and I really want her to be happy. If this guy were making her happy, this would actually be easier, but he's making her miserable, and that's really tough to watch.

 

He's making her miserable; I'm making her miserable. She's feeling miserable all of the time. It's pretty clear to me that her misery problem is with herself, and she needs to figure that out. I've done nothing to hurt her; I never have, and I never would. I tried my absolute best, even making the mistake of putting her mental and emotional health before mine over the past 18 months.

 

She sometimes muses that she might just be incapable of being happy. She's fallen into that mindset on and off for years now. She's perfectly capable of being happy, but she needs help, and she's just not willing to seek it out yet. I hope someday she does.

 

The hardest part of this to date has been the fact that, when the new guy left town for half a week and ignored her birthday, she and I got along very well. In fact, the few days while he was maintaining radio silence almost (but not quite) slipped this thing into a love triangle. When she was sad, I reminded her that she was loveable, and attractive, and I got her butt up off the couch and we danced. We danced, staring into each others eyes, and I saw her swoon. I saw the joy in her eyes, I saw the attraction she had for me, and I saw the look of love slip back into her face. She smiled, and laughed, and joked with me. She let me hold her very tight, and very close, and she told me she was now guilty of "fraternizing".

 

Then the other guy came home and she became miserable again. When he, apparently, told her that he wasn't interested in seeing her so long as I was still living with her, she became angry and hostile. Toward me. As sad as it is, I understand why. I'm the easy target, because I've always been the target of her anger.

 

Once I leave (things are starting to align a little better for that happening soonish, thank the gods), she won't be able to blame me anymore. And maybe, just maybe, she'll begin forgiving me. Maybe she'll even realize that there isn't all that much to actually forgive me for.

[Nimiety]

Ugh.

 

Well, the sh*t hit the fan. After the other guy told her that he didn't want to be with her while I was still around, she told me that I had to be out by November 1st, or else she was going to walk out on our lease. I had to tell her that if she did that, I would call a lawyer. Naturally, she didn't like that, and things have been a lot more hostile since.

 

We sat down and agreed on how to split all of the big items, and I phoned home and grovelled for more money, so that I could at least have two months rent in my pocket and GTFO asap. We agreed on a November 1st moving date.

 

The next day, she got drunk, and started to talk to me about how the new guy was her soul mate. I told her I didn't believe in soul mates, and that she always said she didn't, too. She then told me that she would never F me again, and that she would rather puke than have a child with me. She then accused me of still living here just to stay close to her.

 

When I told her that A) she knew why I was still here, and that was as far from the reason as you could get, and B) if she hated my being here that badly, she shouldn't have agreed to let me stay until I found a job. Indeed, I told her she should have dumped me months earlier, when she, or so she says, decided it was over (she conveniently waited until my grant from school ran out before dumping me), so that I could have found my own place then, while I was still receiving an income.

 

She asked me if I hated the new guy, and I told her I did.

 

Then she just started repeating how we were never going to get back together. She said it over and over, and would even speak over me when I tried to respond. Eventually, I got up and left, but not before (foolishly, but with much hurt and anger) calling her an "f-ing wh*re".

 

I deeply regret saying that, because I don't think of her like that. I was just hurt, and looking to push her buttons. Well, I pushed them good.

 

When I came back, she questioned my integrity, I questioned her integrity, and then it happened: She hit me. She struck me in the face with the heel of her hand (she called it a "slap", but it was closer to an open palm punch).

 

I told her that I couldn't believe that I had wasted 7 years of my life on her.

 

Again, I didn't mean it, but I wasn't here anymore. I had just been hit in the face.

 

And that one seemed to cut very deeply. For someone who claims to hate me, and who told me she wishes was dead, it seemed to break her heart. I regret ever opening my mouth.

 

The irony of it all is that her mother is apparently very concerned that I will beat her. I'm sure my ex hasn't told her mother one bit about her abuse toward me.

 

Anyway, I relayed the events of the evening to a mutual friend, and told her how very sorry I was about the whole thing. I didn't want this implosion of my ex's and my civility to cost me a good friend, and I wanted some sort of conduit to my ex to let her know that I really was very sorry, without having to actually talk to her in these heated and stressed times.

 

The next day things had calmed down somewhat, and we were able to talk nicely enough about the days events. There was an election here, and we talked about that for like two hours. This was last night. Things were Ok.

 

Well, it turns out that my ex also seemed to have relayed the events of that night to our friend, but left out the part where she struck me. Our mutual friend this morning called her out on that, and now my ex is livid again, telling me that "there's no love here" (i.e. "you don't love me, you lying a-hole"), that she hates me, and that she never, ever, ever wants to see me again.

 

Now she's giving me until the 20 to move out, and is threatening me with the police and a lawyer if I'm not gone by then. Even though we have a verbal contract. A verbal contract that we recorded, and which I have a copy of the audio file of.

 

I'm so tired of her bullying, and her empty threats. I'm going to be out of here in a week, and I can't wait. I'm leaving her our home, I'm leaving her our car, I'm leaving her my computer, I'm leaving her our TV, I'm leaving her most of the furniture. She had the gall to ask me for one of my dressers, which I've owned since childhood, and I had to tell her no.

 

The situation isn't going to be ideal. I found a unit in our building, two floors directly above our home. I haven't told her that I'm not moving out of the building, and she's not going to be in town when I make the move. I figure she's going to blow up at me again when she finds out, but at the very least I will have a door lock then. And I'll be the one threatening to phone the police if she doesn't go away.

 

I love this woman dearly, but I'm not putting up with this horse sh*t. I'm willing to try and be friends with her, but not until she gets a grip on herself. She has to learn that she is the toxic one in this relationship, and that I'm not the one to blame for her unhappiness. The only way she's going to figure that out is when she can't find happiness with anybody else.

 

Hopefully the next guys will be smart enough to dump her on her bullying ass quickly, so that she can finally give up on the notion that I'm the thing that made her unhappy, and she can finally agree to get the professional help she so desperately needs and deserves.