Breaking up but we both want commitemnt, does it make any sense?

[Pendawn]

My bf and I have been together for 11 years. When we started dating he knew I didn't believe in sex before marriage and was totally accepting of that. (even though he isn't Christian and had had sex with girlfriends ebfore me) Over the years our realtionship has lasted through long distances and the fact that I have a debilitating illness. Last year he moved back to my town and bought a house, and casually jokingly asked if I was moving in. I said no and apssed it off as just kidding as he knew how I stood about sex before marriage. But I felt that now he had a settled job and we were both so happy we'd be getting married very soon, but last night he suddenly announced he didn't know where we were going, he couldn't see us as a married couple.

 

It seems to come from the moving in thing, he really wanted me to move in and was really hurt and the idea of marriage is too big a step for him. Though we've been together so long, because we only spend mostly evenings together he says it's totally different form living together and he needs that step.

 

I had NO idea he felt like this at all, but once he said this I said although I want marriage and I am completely secure in the fact a marriage would work, I understand where he's coming from (His family is full of divorce and lots of messed up realtionships.). It's like we come from 2 different worlds where my family and all my Christian friends fall in love and get married. Whereas all his friends live together for a few years before getting married.

 

Anyway I said that if I'd KNOWN this was such a big issue I would have compromised because I want to be able to help him get to a place where he's confident in the idea of our getting married. So I'd said I'd start staying wekeends etc building up (still without having sex) but now he says he's not sure.

 

He had to go away with his work for 5 days so we've left it for him to make a decision when he comes back. But I'm just so floored and scared, I cannot bear the thought of being without him, I built my future around him. But I'm scared what if he's never ready and am I compromising myself too much to be with him?

[tanbark813]

I don't think it possible to have a relationship succeed without compromise. It sounds like he was already upfront and honest--albeit very late in the relationship--what he needs to feel secure in finally getting married. It seems to me like your only options are to either give him what he needs, or find someone else whose beliefs are more in line with your own.

[Pendawn]

I agree, compromise is needed. And When he told me this I offered my compromise - to start staying with him for a few days at a time, to at least start experiencing those things he needs to experience. But he didn't exaclty leap at it and said he didn't know. He expressed that it wasn't tehs ame becuase I was doing it to please him and not because I wanted to. That's what i don't understand, I didn't know it's what he needed until it's too late? How could I fix it when I didn't know?

[tanbark813]

Staying for a weekend isn't the same as living together, nor is it a sample of what it might be like because there are so many other things that go into living with a person that just don't come up when you each have your own place. Things like:

 

* How to split up the rent, utilities, etc...

* How to handle buying/preparing food.

* Seeing each other 24/7 - both the benefits of such an arrangement and finding out all the little quirks that the other person may be able to hide for a weekend at a time.

* How to handle cleaning the place.

* What furniture and decorations to put where.

 

And the biggest factor, IMHO, is the fact that you remove the safety net of each person having their own place. I'm guessing he didn't jump at the weekend offer because he was disappointed that you wouldn't just move in with him. Personally, I can see where the guy is coming from. I wouldn't marry a girl either without living with her first.

[Sukotto]

I think you have to live with someone before you can seriously consider marriage, hell I'd want to live with someone before I even considered getting engaged.

 

You go from seeing each other a few hours a day or even less than that to possibly seeing them 12 hours a day and 48 hours at weekend. What happens when you discover this annoying thing you do or maybe your lifestyles wouldn't even be compatible? Do you try and change them, that could end in disaster...

 

Then there are all the other things that you start considering like chores, bills and how you act around the other person, you might see the "real" him. Now you obviously have very strong morals so maybe you could get two single beds or even have seperate rooms if his place is big enough until your married.