AnyaNova Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Obviously, I know that whether he does try and come back is no concern of mine, though frankly, I am pretty certain that he won't. I am just curious about how it would work. Do you think you could ever completely re-establish your trust in them? Or is it simply gone? I would like to hear from people who have experience with this and people who maybe haven't had or allowed an ex dumper try and re-establish a relationship but who might want to speculate anyway.
Philosoraptor Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 A new relationship is just that, a new relationship. Both parties must let go of past failures and expectations in order for a new relationship to flourish. All of the issues from the passt relationship must have been corrected in the time apart in order for a new relationship to succeed. 2
Mr Scorpio Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 My problem wasn't that I didn't trust my ex per-se. My problems were trusting (1) that she wanted to be with me as opposed to simply not being alone, and (2) trusting that the issue that tore us apart the first time wouldn't be an issue the second time. In the end, my hesitance caused by number-two lead to the truth about number-one. Things did not last long and she dumped me again. Is it possible for a second-chance to work? I suppose so, but I think the problems are the issues Philo pointed out. Relationships don't exsist in a vacuum, the past cannot simply be set aside.
AnnaAnna Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I have thought about this a lot. Would I take him back and try to work on our relationship? I don't know if I could. He has hurt me way too many times and I don't think I could ever trust him again.Just like you, I don't think mine is ever coming back so I don't think I will ever have to make that decision.
joe86 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I think we all think about this a lot. The important things I've read hear are that if things changed after the BU then it would be a new relationship, like Philosoraptor says. You'd have to have moved past what happened and try to take things back to the beginning. You could see if the trust can be established again slowly like with anybody new. Beyond that, if she came back, it has to be her to initiate as it was her that ended it all. I saw this earlier on twitter. "If you want me, show me. If you need me, tell me. if you have me, show me off. if i'm worth it, fight for me." 2
AnnaAnna Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I saw this earlier on twitter. "If you want me, show me. If you need me, tell me. if you have me, show me off. if i'm worth it, fight for me." I know that's how I feel! Love it!
lindsay1990 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 If my ex ever came back for reconciliation, I would punch him in the face for not saying so sooner/putting me (and even himself) through this. Then I'd play it by ear. 5
lindsay1990 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) Ha, thanks for the like guys. But seriously, I had this epiphany a few days back by commenting on another thread and I truly belief this is my breakthrough that kickstarted my actual letting go, though I still have waaaays to go. But basically yeah, unlike at first when I was resentful of my ex having a blast without me, about him reaching the indifference stage a mere 10 days after I moved out, etc. At this point, the only thing I tell myself is that it better be worth it. He better seriously be thinking that getting rid of me was the best thing he ever did for himself, he better be feeling more relieved than ever, more free, more confident, more empowered and more like himself and invincible than ever before, heck! More than he ever thought possible. Why? To make it worth the heartbreak of a lifetime that I feel I went through, and the devastation that will take me probably years to overcome. I can accept him getting tired of the fighting, falling out of love and even wondering what he ever saw in me and that he can do better. Life is like this and it happens. But if he has any doubt about this and wants me back, I would de d*mn pissed, because then all this suffering I'm going through could have been avoided. So if this FOOL is regretting breaking up with or is wanting me back, I hope I NEVER, and I mean NEVER hear about this and that he was too scared to say something to me (after I told him to ffff off and forget about me) because then.... I really don't know what I would do. Probably ranges from castration to murder-suicide, though. Like I said elsewhere, I like to tell myself he is THRIVING, relieved to be away from me and doing just MAGNIFICENT and never looking back at me. Because the alternative that he may be pining over me and not doing anything about it, or that he will look back and realize it wasn't that bad and that I am still amazing and wants to try again, just aggravates even more. Ha. I'm crazy, I know. Edited October 2, 2013 by lindsay1990 1
love1336x Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I would love to get back with my ex. When he dated me I was lost depressed very angry woman. I'm no longer lost, or have depression. Plus I have my temper way under control, but sadly enough he haven't change. He won't allowed himself to see the new me. He's very stuck in the past and simply cannot trust me as if it was a new relationship. If he would allowed me that he great, but he will never. So NC until I die. Lol. 2
lindsay1990 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I would love to get back with my ex. When he dated me I was lost depressed very angry woman. I'm no longer lost, or have depression. Plus I have my temper way under control, but sadly enough he haven't change. He won't allowed himself to see the new me. He's very stuck in the past and simply cannot trust me as if it was a new relationship. If he would allowed me that he great, but he will never. So NC until I die. Lol. Haha this is all EXACTLY how I feel! 1
JoelBarish Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 In response to Anya's question... It would not be easy. She and I would have to both be willing to put in the effort to make it work and to learn from the break up. But it really would be difficult to ever truly regain the trust and security that I once felt with her. I think I would always worry that if I didn't handle things the right way that she would dump me all over again. And that wouldn't be fair to her because she would be living with that guilt (assuming she felt guilty about how she handled things and wanted a second chance). However, she and I had a good relationship. She even said so 2 days before we broke up. I really don't know what happened on her part but I felt then, as I do now, that the relationship was worth working on. I've had lots of bad relationships and this was not one of them. 1
JoelBarish Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Ha, thanks for the like guys. But seriously, I had this epiphany a few days back by commenting on another thread and I truly belief this is my breakthrough that kickstarted my actual letting go, though I still have waaaays to go. But basically yeah, unlike at first when I was resentful of my ex having a blast without me, about him reaching the indifference stage a mere 10 days after I moved out, etc. At this point, the only thing I tell myself is that it better be worth it. He better seriously be thinking that getting rid of me was the best thing he ever did for himself, he better be feeling more relieved than ever, more free, more confident, more empowered and more like himself and invincible than ever before, heck! More than he ever thought possible. Why? To make it worth the heartbreak of a lifetime that I feel I went through, and the devastation that will take me probably years to overcome. I can accept him getting tired of the fighting, falling out of love and even wondering what he ever saw in me and that he can do better. Life is like this and it happens. But if he has any doubt about this and wants me back, I would de d*mn pissed, because then all this suffering I'm going through could have been avoided. So if this FOOL is regretting breaking up with or is wanting me back, I hope I NEVER, and I mean NEVER hear about this and that he was too scared to say something to me (after I told him to ffff off and forget about me) because then.... I really don't know what I would do. Probably ranges from castration to murder-suicide, though. Like I said elsewhere, I like to tell myself he is THRIVING, relieved to be away from me and doing just MAGNIFICENT and never looking back at me. Because the alternative that he may be pining over me and not doing anything about it, or that he will look back and realize it wasn't that bad and that I am still amazing and wants to try again, just aggravates even more. Ha. I'm crazy, I know. Your posts always make me think. It's almost like your in my head sometimes. Maybe not exactly ....but you do voice a lot of things I am thinking. Maybe what got to me is the part where you said that all you have gone through better not be for nothing. I suppose I can relate to that part.
Fufu Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Obviously, I know that whether he does try and come back is no concern of mine, though frankly, I am pretty certain that he won't. I am just curious about how it would work. Do you think you could ever completely re-establish your trust in them? Or is it simply gone? I would like to hear from people who have experience with this and people who maybe haven't had or allowed an ex dumper try and re-establish a relationship but who might want to speculate anyway. I'm back in a relationship with my ex (Not the ex that I posted in this forum in 2010), another ex that I dated 7-8 years back for a short while. And I had never think or having second chances with this ex that I am back with. I do believe trust can be work out if the damage from the first relationship is not those very serious and critical types. 3
JoelBarish Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 (edited) I would love to get back with my ex. When he dated me I was lost depressed very angry woman. I'm no longer lost, or have depression. Plus I have my temper way under control, but sadly enough he haven't change. He won't allowed himself to see the new me. He's very stuck in the past and simply cannot trust me as if it was a new relationship. If he would allowed me that he great, but he will never. So NC until I die. Lol. I can relate to this too. I just hate it when I feel I have short changed my ex. As in she didn't get to see me at my best. It also really bugs me how "sure" my ex is that it wasn't going to work out. I mean I know she has personally doubted herself in lots of areas and now all of a sudden she is sure about something, that I wasn't the one for her?!? It truly boggles my mind when for a year and a half she told me we were soul mates and now, she is so positive, without a shadow of a doubt, that we weren't right for each other because of reasons that she has mostly kept to herself. This sucks! Edited October 3, 2013 by JoelBarish 1
heartshapedrocks Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 We tried once after a six month separation. It didn't work Fool me once shame on you but fool me twice no way shame on me. So my answer is not happening.................
im_thedude Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I think, for me, there would need to be a LOOOOOOONG, painful, heart-to-heart talk before I could really make any decisions. I feel so many emotions over my ex. Anger and resentment for her being a bad person and doing ALL of the terrible things she did. Shame for how weak she made me. Love, for what we did have together when things were great. Jealousy, for her being seemingly way happier after breaking up with me. The hope in my mind is that last hint of magenta in the sky before the night goes black. It's such a small part in me, and an increasingly larger part of me does not ever, EVER want to get back with her on sheer principal and pride alone. But if she were to show up at my doorstep falling into my arms, sobbing about how she was wrong and wants me back.... I couldn't for the life of me guess how I'd react. There was a fundamental problem that we disagreed on, that ultimately led to the relationship's demise, and that problem would absolutely have to be resolved - on HER part - for me to even give it a second chance. And, as many emotions as it stirs in me, I know in my heart she will never change.
Recommended Posts