Was in love triangle - I'm destroyed

[Lostboy1457]

I’m so heartbroken right now…I need advice on how to get over this woman. I wound up being in a love triangle which has driven me into therapy but I need some additional advice, criticism, feedback…whatever it is…I just need to hear it.

 

I met this woman online in February 2013 and during the first month I didn’t snatch her up and ask her to be in a relationship with me like I should have. She liked me a lot more than I did her during that time but she didn’t pursue me either. We spent some weekends together but never actually became an exclusive couple. We eventually went our separate ways and dated others. In May 2013 I came back into her life and we started going out. Unfortunately she had been seeing a guy for two months but she said she loved me, had always loved me and would break it up with this guy. Eventually, she asked for her house key back from him and told him she wanted to see other people. However she did not tell him specially that the reason for the breakup was me. She had always said that she had never left one man for another man and she didn’t want to start now. However, she never actually stopped seeing this other guy and she continued to see me as well. She and I traveled extensively over the next three months taking trips out of state, hotels, bed and breakfasts, DC on the 4th of July, Atlantic City..etc and having the best times. She was honest with me about still seeing him and she would tell me when she would see him…which I hated but I accepted. She was with me much more than she was with him but it still bothered me that she wouldn’t commit to me. She always lied to him when she was with me…..and as hurtful as it is to admit…she would always post our trips on her Facebook page but I was never tagged or even shown in photos. Her photos consisted of things such as the hotel we were at, sunsets on the beach, the restaurants we went to…several shows…but never once was I shown on FB with her. I have many photos of us together on these vacations but out of respect I didn’t post them on my FB page either. I let her control the situation. I know I’m such a fool but she said she was just trying to spare his feelings. I accepted it because I was hoping that I would eventually be with her forever. She said she was very confused and often questioned why I didn’t grab her back in February when I had the chance. She was scared that maybe if she left this guy and then I decided I didn’t want to be with her anymore she would have lost both of us. I wish I could go back in time and grab her for myself but obviously I can’t. However since coming back into her life in May I treated this girl like a queen. Trust me on this and she knows it too. I began loving this woman everyday more and more. She told me every day she loved me as well. She said she loved this other guy too but her love for me was different - with me she had such passion. She was IN love with me versus just loving the other guy. She said if the other guy left or dated someone else it wouldn’t be a huge deal…but if I were to leave or date someone else it would destroy her. She made me feel so special…and she was so much fun…and I found her beautiful. She’s 33 years old and had been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis since she was 19 which could debilitate her in her future…yet I never cared. I would be there for her forever.

 

Anyway, this love triangle went on for months…it took its toll on me…I lost close to 40 lbs. in less than 3 months from the stress…she lost almost 20 lbs. because the situation was having its effect on both of us. And we both saw our PCPs and each of us were prescribed anxiety medication. The scenario was not good.

 

So…about two weeks ago I take her out to eat…we have drinks…we’re having a great time. We go back to her place and it’s around 1AM…still having a great time. We’re having some wine, eating some food…barely dressed…it’s literally the best time of my life to be honest…and then there’s a bang on the door and it’s him. He yelled inside that he knew I was there because my car was out front. I knew she wouldn’t just allow him to stand outside and bang on the door so I opened the door…and to make a long story short…she asked me to leave and he stayed…and I never saw her again. I’m disgusted. I’m completely heartsick. I am so heartbroken. I know she used me…but I’m devastated. I loved this girl so much. I’m like a walking zombie. My life feels like it has no meaning now. They have both since changed their FB photos to show them as a couple plus she unfriended on FB me because she said it’s to protect my feelings so I don’t have to look at them. She no longer calls me or texts me so I know it’s over. She has committed to return to me a beautiful diamond sapphire ring (not an engagement ring) that I purchased and gave her because she said she doesn’t deserve it after what she put me through. Why do I feel like this? I’m so distressed I can’t think straight. I go to sleep thinking of her. I dream about her.

 

Couple of facts:

 

Based on her upbringing she has detachment issues. Instead of dealing with issues head on, she has always dealt with negativity by putting on a happy face and going out with friends. (She has admitted this to me multiple times) Basically she doesn’t really feel the emotional pain that most people feel. When I told her how devastated I was and told her that she had “No idea” of the pain that she has caused me…she apologized and replied (sincerely) that she wished she knew how I felt.

She had told me on several occasions that everything was fine between her and this guy before I came back into the picture. (Maybe it’s true…but she didn’t have to let me back in her life) When she did go out with him while dating me she would tag him in Facebook and show them together which made me feel awful to know she would do that with him but not me. She claimed it was because people assumed they were still dating. ]He played it cool and allowed her space…I didn’t. I bugged her constantly about leaving him and when she and I could be together. I probably chased her away with my nagging.

 

She actually blamed me for opening the door that evening and said she couldn’t forgive me for doing that. Because of this she has now told me even if they don’t work as a couple she could never be with me. Can someone make sense of what happened to me?? After all of this though…I still want her. I need to get over her and also resist the urge to call her. I don’t know who’s sicker…her or me??? Can someone please tell me when this pain will subside? I used to be this healthy person but now I’m on sleep medication, anxiety medication and something else prescribed to calm my nerves. I’m a freaking mess. My heart is in a million pieces.

Edited October 2, 2013 by Lostboy1457
Edited due to typos

[Omei]

I know you love this girl but she doesn't sound that great sounds like she knew perfectly well what she was doing stringing both men along and would of continued to do so, but she got caught so now it ends, blames you because that makes it easy for her not to be guilty. So she can go on "pretending" yes very much "pretending" that she never left a man for another man or did something terrible like use both men. Yeah he's being used too btw, Honestly you got the better deal.

 

This woman is not a catch for you she's not.

Yes she very much used you, don't be love sick for her be glad she's out of your life did the other guy win anything special? No he didn't I am sure she was lovely and all on the outside. But a selfish person.

 

It might be hard at first but I think over time you will realize how much this lady strung you around like a rag doll and you will realize its for the best and your sadness will most likely turn into some anger hold onto that it will help you get through this and see it for what it was.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Wow. This girl sounds downright awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this, lostboy. You have every right to feel what you're feeling right now. Betrayed, angry, sad, lost, depressed, used...

 

What she did to you is disgusting and I will never understand how someone can be so ruthless and cold. Don't make excuses for her. What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. She knew what she was doing the whole time. She is manipulative, untrustworthy and utterly selfish.

 

You're putting her on a pedestal now but, in time, you will see what we all see here because you're emotions, attachment to her and love will have all subsided.

 

Continue therapy and CUT OFF ALL CONTACT with this girl and make it seem as if you've disappeared off the face of this earth. Don't let her turn this around on you and make you feel guilty whatsoever. She doesn't deserve you in any form..friendship, acquaintance, etc.

 

Take this time to become stronger and don't allow something like this to happen to you. Respect yourself and know that you deserve better that how this girl treated you. Don't let it happen again!

 

Best of luck to you.

[Lostboy1457]

Thank you for that awesome response. I always knew I was being used and lied to...and it bothered me...but I didn't do anything about it because she said she was confused and needed to "get her head on straight"...so I stuck around and took the abuse. I have done some research and found that I actually became codependent on her. My love for her became an obsession and I am in therapy now to try to get back to the healthy man I was at the beginning of 2013. I still think I loved her...I think I still do love her...but as much as she told me she loved me time and time again...I don't recall many instances where her love towards me were shown through actions. Her telling me she loved me was usually a way to keep me hooked. And it worked.

[Lostboy1457]

Thank you seekingpeaceinlove. I'm working through it...including fighting the urges to contact her. I've actually left VMs for her this week and texted her because I really need to know what was going on in her mind to do this to me. I've spoken with her twice...but they were meaningless conversations that really didn't answer any questions. I really need to be stronger...but all I can think about are the awesome times we had together. Okay...maybe it was all a farce to her...but she made me feel so special when we were together which is what I am truly missing about her. I need to get stronger and leave her alone..

[AnnaAnna]

Thank you seekingpeaceinlove. I'm working through it...including fighting the urges to contact her. I've actually left VMs for her this week and texted her because I really need to know what was going on in her mind to do this to me. I've spoken with her twice...but they were meaningless conversations that really didn't answer any questions. I really need to be stronger...but all I can think about are the awesome times we had together. Okay...maybe it was all a farce to her...but she made me feel so special when we were together which is what I am truly missing about her. I need to get stronger and leave her alone..

 

Don't call or text her anymore. You should try going No Contact with her. It will be hard but it's the only thing that will help you.

Why do you want to know why she did this to you?

She's not going to give you an answer because in her mind she didn't do anything wrong.

You really need to let her go and focus on yourself for now.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Good for you! You're being really proactive in your healing and it can only get better from here. Take back the power and don't allow her to bring you down anymore. She's not worthy enough to have that kind of effect on your life.

 

I'm a big fan of inspirational quotes (as corny as they may be). These 2 have stuck with me:

 

"Spend your time on those that love you unconditionally. Don't waste it on those that only love you when the conditions are right for them."

 

"True love is mutual and selfless."

 

You sound like a great guy with a big heart. When the RIGHT girl comes along you will love even deeper but you will be wiser and stronger.

[Lostboy1457]

Thanks you for all of your support. I really wanted to keep contacting her because I wanted to know why things went down as they did? Just 30 minutes before the guy showed up at her door she was telling me how much she loved me. Hours before that we were talking about taking another trip together. I was so in love with her it hurts even now to think of life without her. She was so fun to be around...her voice made my heart flutter...her hair was beautiful....her personality charming...I couldn't drive fast enough when I went to see her (or when she agreed to see me). I simply adored this woman. I've never been a needy kind of guy...ever...but in this case...I think I became one. The crazy this is that I can only blame her so much. There were so many warning signs as I mentioned in my first post. I need to take responsibility as well. I was the "other" guy in the triangle and should have gotten out as soon as I knew he was still in the picture. In any event...all of your support has made me feel better...but I'm still so sad. I had such high hopes for us.

[AnnaAnna]

Thanks you for all of your support. I really wanted to keep contacting her because I wanted to know why things went down as they did? Just 30 minutes before the guy showed up at her door she was telling me how much she loved me. Hours before that we were talking about taking another trip together. I was so in love with her it hurts even now to think of life without her. She was so fun to be around...her voice made my heart flutter...her hair was beautiful....her personality charming...I couldn't drive fast enough when I went to see her (or when she agreed to see me). I simply adored this woman. I've never been a needy kind of guy...ever...but in this case...I think I became one. The crazy this is that I can only blame her so much. There were so many warning signs as I mentioned in my first post. I need to take responsibility as well. I was the "other" guy in the triangle and should have gotten out as soon as I knew he was still in the picture. In any event...all of your support has made me feel better...but I'm still so sad. I had such high hopes for us.

 

We are all pretty much in the same boat. I had high hopes too and it hurts like hell knowing it was all for nothing. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have made a mistake and loved a wrong person. You gave so much and got nothing in return. Sure it was fun while it lasted but now it's time for you to be happy. True love will never make you feel this way and one day you will have that one person who will do all those things you did for this woman. Somebody who will make you feel special and wanted. Just give it time and don't forget to take care of yourself first.

[Lostboy1457]

Okay...a follow-up question...about the woman I wrote about. I gave her a hard copy of what I had written on this post...and she now keeps it with her at all times in her wallet. I asked he why she does that and she replied that it makes her feel "Close to me". This is strange because the letter I wrote above was kind of humiliating...you think she enjoys what she did or she's keeping it out of guilt? Does she sound like a sociopath?

[theothersully]

Sociopath was the first word in my brain reading the first post. I think they may have broken down that term into other descriptions more recently. My ex wife (12 years with her) had borderline, which has those same missing interpersonal emotions.

 

Run as fast as you can.

 

They are experts at hooking you in and will say anything they figure out that you want to hear to make you fall in love and stay around. Meanwhile, they can't experience love, so they just go around using everyone like a robot.

[Lostboy1457]

I gave her a copy of the post to let her know what she did to me. Kind of like letting her know my feelings and how she affected me and I figured maybe she'd felt guilty...but she says she reads it everyday because it makes her close to me. Just wondering if you think she's enjoying it rather than feeling guilty.

[pinkie]

She's a nut. Let that go. Her ego is enjoying it... you put her up on a pedestal, she loves it. Kick her ass off and disappear! Read up on being codependent and don't be that guy!