lostsoul2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Hi all, I am completely new to this but I am in need of some real advice from people who may have the same experiences or even just help me understand what is going on as I am lost in this world at this present time and really am struggling to keep my sanity. My problems started a good number of years ago when my wife was diagnosed with depression we have two young kids bye the way a boy 13 and girl 11. Even before this our relationship was not functioning properly, she always said I would never do anything with her or the kids but when I suggested something I was completely knocked back with refusals and if we did it the answer I got was the only reason we done that was because it was me who wanted to do it, I would have been quite happy to do anything that she wished to do but she never wanted to do anything. The first major rift came at the end of December 2011, we had an argument and she put me out of the house, I came back a short while later and locked myself in the spare room but she threatened to break the door down and get the police. I was at odds as to what to do so I contacted my mother who lives about 15 mile away and she said I could come stay with her. I was really upset I spent new years eve crying my eyes out wondering where I would go what I would do my sanity was on edge. To cut a long story short two days later she rang me balling her eyes out pleading with me to come back, I was in shock to be honest, this is the same woman who just literally two days earlier had said she did not want me etc etc, now I must admit during the argument I said nasty thing to her also but not once did I threaten her even though she pulled off my glasses and crumbled them in front of me. I went home later that evening. I had a cruise booked for the end of January in the med which we went on and enjoyed. Things went reasonably well for a few months until she went away with girls from work on a weekend, suddenly when she came back from this her phone became a prisoner and she started acting strangely if I asked any question I was met with "why do you need to know everything I do" I got suspicious and decided to check her phone, she now had a password on her phone which was never there before, I made a few guesses at it with common numbers we would both use and low and behold I got in, There were text messages in there from another man, nothing to explicit but it was definitely bordering on intimate. When I confronted her on this she went mad saying that it was none of my business and this and that. I just told her to get her act together and realize she was a mother to two young kids and although her life was not perfect name me someones who was. This incidence tore away all the trust and I started to pry in to her life even though she did not know it. I set up the save passwords on the computer which gave me access to her accounts email and phone, our relationship was not going well and i sent her an email in may outlining this but it went unheeded, I then sent her one at the end of June telling her that I could not life the life I was living with her and that we should split and sell the house etc etc, she replied by claiming that it was a strop and it probably was but it was also a cry for her to let her see it was all falling apart. She agreed to everything and the house was put on the market she contacted a solicitor and done various other things to end the relationship but at the same time she was giving me vibes that she didn't want it to end. These vibes came in the form of text messages on the 9th of August 2012 stating that she missed me and this and that, I responded by telling her that I missed her also. Later that day I sent her a bunch of flowers that was a huge mistake as it signified that she still had control over me. On Sat the 18th and early hours of Sunday the 19th she was out with friends, she wasn't home at 5:00am so I decided to call her friend to see where she was, her friend said she was with her but when I asked her to put her on thee phone she said she would get her, the next thing the phone went dead I was prepared for this to be honest so what I done next was ring both phones My Wife's and her friends at the same time and low and behold they were both engaged. My wife eventually arrived home and no sooner was she home that her friend was sending me texts saying that she was asleep and she could not wake her. As far as I was concerned that was it I could take no more, I also went to see a solicitor and the wheels were in motion for a separation, now in all the time we remained together until the 10th of November I never caused argument with her but occasionally I let her know that I knew that she was using online dating and that I knew she had met a man on it and that she had spent the night with him. This really annoyed her but I told her that I had done this all to keep my sanity as all I ever got from her was a bellyful of lies and if I had of believed all she told me I would have thought that I suffered from paranoia. She moved out with the kids on the 10th of November as I would not leave the home as I had done nothing wrong and I paid all the bills for the home. After this I had decided that i had to start making a life for myself, I started going out on a weekly basis I had also started the online dating and had met one woman from it on the 11th November 2012 we spent the night together at a hotel and it give me back some of the confidence that I had lost. When my ex found this out she went bonkers, she thought i would fall apart when she left but it only made me stronger. She was then making u turns and hinting that she wanted me back. I agreed to go to Counseling with her before Christmas but I knew it was a waste of time as I knew this was a control thing on her behalf. This didn't work and we done our own thing, she asked me to stay up at her new house on Christmas eve so I could be there on Christmas morning with the kids, I agreed and we ended up having sex on the couch that night, I regretted it afterwards as I knew it was giving the wrong impression. I did as much as I could for her all along and at the end of January I met someone who was nice in every sense of the word, she seemed caring and bubbly and enjoyed the outdoors as I also did we met on three occasions and not once was sex even considered we enjoyed each others company and could talk for hours about various things. My ex got wind that I might be seeing someone and she came back at me again this time in a extremely emotional way saying she loved me and was really sorry this that and thon. This was really difficult for me as it looked like she was going to have a breakdown so I reluctantly agreed after three or four days of pure pressure to give it another go. This was the middle of February I explained to the other woman that I had to give it a go for the sake of the kids and also my wife as I knew she had her problems but deep down she is not a bad person. She was going to Disney world at the end of the month with the kids and would not be back until the 10th of March, I agreed that she could move back in when she came back. This she did and no sooner was she back that she informed me that she had met a man on the internet. (Before I start I have to take a lot of the blame here as I knew my wife always had problems with commitment and I came to the conclusion that if I knew she could have sex with other men so long as she came back to me and treated me well, I actually enjoyed this although I know and accept it is a little perverted but so also is cheating) I agreed reluctantly that she could go and meet him this once as we were really only in a probationary period. She did this and came back saying she did not enjoy it which by the way I was also delighted to hear as I believed that it would now stop her searching for this utopia. Things were going quite well until I was lying on the bed beside her and she was on the phone, I just got a quick glance and she was there emailing a man I knew she was intimate with before she had left the house. I told her it had to stop that she was really driving a knife in to me, she wept like a baby on the bed for hours about this, I knew then that I had no future with this woman and that i was only wasting my time this was April. She needed a new car as the engine went on her other one I agreed that she could take money from the nest egg (7k) to purchase on that I had found at a reasonable price (14k) on the net. I provided 1.5k and the old vehicle sold for 3k so that left her having to 3.5k which she borrowed from a lending institution. We are now in May, I took her to Oslo at the end of May in one of those I hope it will save us weekends but it didn't we got through the weekend but there was no special feelings, I knew I had probably lost all my feelings for her and I think she felt the same. We came back and rolled along for another while, towards the end of June she told me she wanted to meet another man, I was a little stunned but I agreed as I thought it might let her see it is all so false out there. This time she came back and slowly she started sleeping in the spare room the odd night and then it became every night and then she started moving her stuff out, we are now at the end of July and the intimacy in our relationship has disappeared. We get through August and spend two nights together in the same bed one at a christening and the other at a wedding but again there is no intimacy, if I give her a hug it feels like she is really uncomfortable. At the beginning of a September I challenge her on it, she says that there is no one else and that I am paranoid and this and that ad that I am a control freak and the only reason she came back to me was for revenge and that she was going to ruin my life, I have never hit a woman in my life and never intend to but that night I drove my fist through the door right to the side of her head, she had won she had finally broken me, I was now a violent and aggressive bully she would say to everyone and now she had the proof, she took pictures of the door and I felt like total ****, this woman was slowly killing me and she was building a case for herself to justify her actions to all who would listen to her. I did not really take her on after this, I would speak to her and so on I had stopped prying on her the previous year as I did not need to do it anymore as I knew what she was like and she could deny all but she knew that I had the proof and I suspected that she was at the internet dating all along and I was only a comfort zone for her when there was no one else to fill the void. Last week she rang me to say she was going to visit a friend in the evening and asked could I pick the little girl from athletics, I agreed but I also smelt a rat as she would not take the call in her office and she rang me back from her mobile, when she got home I was considering what I should do. I took the car to the local shop to record the mileage but there I thought why don't I offer to drop her at her friends and pick her up later and tell her that I need the car as I drive a van. She would not agree to this saying it would cost to much in diesel, I said it would be no cost to her as I would put the fuel in the car, she again refused point blank. I asked her which friend she was going to see and where did she live she told me she was going to see T and she lived outside such a town when I knew that T lived in a different town altogether, I told her again I would drop her off and pick her up and at this stage she was saying that I was a control freak and that why could i not let her live her own life and this and that, I told her that as far as I was aware we were still married and that even though we were going through a rough patch she still had responsibilities, this was one of these really nasty rows where a lot of things were said and to be honest i was glad it happened. I cannot prove where she was going but my belief is that if she had noting to hide then what was her problem. She has now reduced the price on the house, looked for a transfer from work. I have told her I am not selling the house until a judge makes a ruling on it and that I don't particularly care what she does and to be honest i don't at this stage, I broke my heart about her last year and I really loved her to bits but she is really tearing me apart. She has now started accusing me of going with other women, I can state that since we agreed to get back together in February I have not being intimate with any other woman, I have messaged other women and yea it was me who would start it, I just wanted to keep in touch with them as I knew i might need a shoulder to cry on in the not to distant future and I also know that if I truly loved my wife I would have her shoulder to cry on but that is not the case. I am now at one of these all time lows, she will not contribute to any household bills and I am really stretched and heading for possible financial ruin as I am self employed and work has dried up so i have very little coming in at present. The question I ask is should I just let her go, I know I say I don't care but deep down if this woman would stop looking for something she is never going to find I would give her enough love for two lifetimes.:love::love:
Philosoraptor Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 She's still trying to find someone else. She wants you waiting around just in case things don't work out for her with someone else. You are a backup plan and you are allowing yourself to be one. This is why at every thought she has of you moving on she freaks out as you won't be her safety net anymore. Simply she is using you, and you are allowing it. She's going to continue to cheat and lie for as long as you are with her. Will you accept this for yourself? Will you let your children grow up believing this is the way a realtionship works between two people? 1
Author lostsoul2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 Well I have decided that I am not selling or leaving the home until a Judge puts me out, I don't care about her anymore but I consider every day that I get to spend with my kids is a great day. I know she is using me while she tries to put her life on a track that she believes will take her to her promised land or utopia but I fear that she may never get on that track and I will always be the one who has to bear the burden of having to forgive and listen to her tell me how sorry she is and it will not happen again. She has all close to her convinced that I am a control freak, a psycho and a manipulative person, I am none of these or at least I don't think so. I just want her to tell the truth and stop trying to convince me that I am hallucinating. Do all women go on like this?
Recommended Posts