oracle Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Hey everyone, Oracle here. So to anyone who has followed my thread pinned to the top of this section over the past year... I have some news. Finally.. After 3.5 years of purgatory - living with my ex - the last piece of the puzzle is in place and the end now has a date. On December 3rd, 2013, we will say goodbye, turn our backs and walk our separate paths.. Truly, for the first time in 16 years since we were 19 years old. Its been the mother of all separation processes, and this moment is something I think we have both craved and dreaded for a long time. The next 60 days while we do the last final push and liquidation of stuff is going to be interesting. He has been away for the past month, so we still haven't even faced each other yet while this process of the house sale has played out. I have been processing all week while this deal played out. I am feeling better now, but still aprehensive. Life is going to change on so many levels for me in the next 90 days. I still really dread the final goodbye, and wonder constantly how that will play out and where it will leave me once that final shoe has dropped. I don't know what happens after this.. If I cut him out forever, or if he does.. or if he will reach back at some point to maintain a connection and I will be unable to resist. This is something I have contemplated for some time, and won't know until the situation arises. I often wonder if I have been lucky or cursed to have experienced this break-up in such a protracted way. I have been able to really experience it and process it with him and really come to terms with the fact that we have taken each other as far as we can, and that we need to go our ways so we can develop and grow further as individuals. It doesn't take away any of the sadness or disappointment, but it doesn't leave you wondering about the what ifs.... cause I have explored every last one.. and I know what I know. So I put it to you? What would you choose if you were coming out of a really long relationship? Option 1: Dumped quick and harsh out of the blue.. never to hear from them again, left wondering and longing for them - like they were the best one that got away - but free to build a new life immediately? Or Option 2: Drag it out for 3 and a half years and really get the painful chance to analyze it to death, explore options, wait and see scenarios, watch them move on and kinda come to a somewhat content realization that your relationship isn't a failure per se, but its time for you to go and move forward?
headinthecloud Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks for sharing your experiences oracle. Your story and advice has helped me overcome my own BU. Personally, I prefer option 1 and could not have done what you did. I would look back on the experience and be thankful for all the love. It shows tremendous respect for each other to do what you both have done. For whatever reason things were meant to end between you. One piece of advice, you can't prepare for the end. It will be just as hard on the "last day" but I think you already know that. We love you and are here for you.
Author oracle Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks for sharing your experiences oracle. Your story and advice has helped me overcome my own BU. Personally, I prefer option 1 and could not have done what you did. I would look back on the experience and be thankful for all the love. It shows tremendous respect for each other to do what you both have done. For whatever reason things were meant to end between you. One piece of advice, you can't prepare for the end. It will be just as hard on the "last day" but I think you already know that. We love you and are here for you. Thank you very much for your kind words and support. I appreciate it
candie13 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 It is a horrible thing, to go through a break up, after such a long period of time, especially if you live together. "Traumatic" is the better word. To answer your question, it all depends on the quality of your relationship and on the type of partner you have. In most cases, clean cut and fresh start works best, I must say. Horrid, tough, even more traumatic, but it saves a LOT of time and it speeds up the healing process. But it also delivers all the pain, feeling of loss, abandonment, all of a sudden, to both partners. Breaking up should ideally be a process IMO, ideally, neither option 1 or option 2 would work. I think that the shock of the break up, even if it is mutual, even if you both realize it's necessary affects you for a long time, so one should proceed with caution. Ideally, just like falling in love, falling out of love and ending your relationship should be a process. It is a process that causes pain, no matter what, but it doesn't have to be a violent one. Life in a relationship versus life as a single guy To me, going NC and not seeing or talking or communicating at all a person you've lived with for 10 years is an extreme measure. It is bound to hurt both partners and add even more hurt to the sorrow of falling out of love. You're not only lovers, you are best friends, room mate, bed mates, life mates... so many of your rituals everyday revolve around your partner - I mean, his mere existence. So, while breaking up should be a process to be less painful, it cannot last forever. It should have stages, a beginning and an end. Under no way can it last 3 years and a half. That is just... excruciating, because i am not sure if you really are moving on. Or accepting it. Its' three lost years, during which you are refusing to actually meet and be available for a real person, interested in YOU. A chance to be happy. The thing with relationships is that immediately before and immediately after the break up, you are a wreak. So the more you drag it, the longer it takes to get over it. It's already taken 10 years of your life, you've invested 10 years in a relationship that did not work our. Why invest even more of your time, more than what's strictly necessarily to make it bearable, in something that is broken beyond repair? 6 months top is acceptable, in my mind. Cannot sell the house you both live in? Move out and rent it. Sure, you may be losing money and / or giving up comfort. But you are gaining peace of mind. The thing is... you haven't really given up of the relationship unless you move out. Change your routine, focus on yourself. Change your way of thinking. Relationships affect your identity, whom you are. When you've been seeing someone for a LONG period of time, your whole identity becomes that "couple" thing. You are "Ian and Luke", not just "Ian". How about your friends? Dinners at "Ian and Luke", hanging out with "Ian and Luke" at "Ian and Luke's" place. You need to be living on your own to be re-building your identity, by yourself, and in time, change your mindset. The first holidays by yourself. Stuff like that. It takes so much time, after the relationship ended, after you've moved out and started acted "normal" to actually embrace your new identity, OMG. Just "Ian". You cannot be just "Ian" if you live with your ex. Hope this helps.
Exitleft Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Congrats and best of luck. I think you deserve this even though you think you don't want it, you deserve to exhale and have some real closure from this situation. I would choose option 1, I'm just the sort of person that copes better not knowing what my ex is doing, ignorance is bliss kind of thing. Everyone will be here for you in the times ahead as you've been for others. Again all the best 1
hurts2death Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 hey oracle..your story is deep. i wish you the best.just stay strong.. i would go for option in between these you say.. i would focus on my self and at the same time know enough of him and by enough i mean those things that will not destroy me or destroy completely the common past....because some things its better to remember them as they were... wish the best..i know exactly how you feel. hugs -john
Author oracle Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Very well put. I agree with you completely. Luckily I have done that for the last year and a half. We basically just share a 10k sf house. We just inhabit space. But we do our own things. I have new friends new routines. All my family holidays are now carried out in a different manner. But still there has been that comfort zone. You feel good when ur ex that dumped you is sitting at home and u know what he is or isn't doing. But that's just wanting control and falls under rule 2. This will be the real change that's needed and I'm feeling strong and ready for it Thanks for posting It is a horrible thing, to go through a break up, after such a long period of time, especially if you live together. "Traumatic" is the better word. To answer your question, it all depends on the quality of your relationship and on the type of partner you have. In most cases, clean cut and fresh start works best, I must say. Horrid, tough, even more traumatic, but it saves a LOT of time and it speeds up the healing process. But it also delivers all the pain, feeling of loss, abandonment, all of a sudden, to both partners. Breaking up should ideally be a process IMO, ideally, neither option 1 or option 2 would work. I think that the shock of the break up, even if it is mutual, even if you both realize it's necessary affects you for a long time, so one should proceed with caution. Ideally, just like falling in love, falling out of love and ending your relationship should be a process. It is a process that causes pain, no matter what, but it doesn't have to be a violent one. Life in a relationship versus life as a single guy To me, going NC and not seeing or talking or communicating at all a person you've lived with for 10 years is an extreme measure. It is bound to hurt both partners and add even more hurt to the sorrow of falling out of love. You're not only lovers, you are best friends, room mate, bed mates, life mates... so many of your rituals everyday revolve around your partner - I mean, his mere existence. So, while breaking up should be a process to be less painful, it cannot last forever. It should have stages, a beginning and an end. Under no way can it last 3 years and a half. That is just... excruciating, because i am not sure if you really are moving on. Or accepting it. Its' three lost years, during which you are refusing to actually meet and be available for a real person, interested in YOU. A chance to be happy. The thing with relationships is that immediately before and immediately after the break up, you are a wreak. So the more you drag it, the longer it takes to get over it. It's already taken 10 years of your life, you've invested 10 years in a relationship that did not work our. Why invest even more of your time, more than what's strictly necessarily to make it bearable, in something that is broken beyond repair? 6 months top is acceptable, in my mind. Cannot sell the house you both live in? Move out and rent it. Sure, you may be losing money and / or giving up comfort. But you are gaining peace of mind. The thing is... you haven't really given up of the relationship unless you move out. Change your routine, focus on yourself. Change your way of thinking. Relationships affect your identity, whom you are. When you've been seeing someone for a LONG period of time, your whole identity becomes that "couple" thing. You are "Ian and Luke", not just "Ian". How about your friends? Dinners at "Ian and Luke", hanging out with "Ian and Luke" at "Ian and Luke's" place. You need to be living on your own to be re-building your identity, by yourself, and in time, change your mindset. The first holidays by yourself. Stuff like that. It takes so much time, after the relationship ended, after you've moved out and started acted "normal" to actually embrace your new identity, OMG. Just "Ian". You cannot be just "Ian" if you live with your ex. Hope this helps.
Author oracle Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks for that. Some people can't help knowing. I'm curious to see how it will be for me Congrats and best of luck. I think you deserve this even though you think you don't want it, you deserve to exhale and have some real closure from this situation. I would choose option 1, I'm just the sort of person that copes better not knowing what my ex is doing, ignorance is bliss kind of thing. Everyone will be here for you in the times ahead as you've been for others. Again all the best
Author oracle Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks John The middle ground sounds better hey oracle..your story is deep. i wish you the best.just stay strong.. i would go for option in between these you say.. i would focus on my self and at the same time know enough of him and by enough i mean those things that will not destroy me or destroy completely the common past....because some things its better to remember them as they were... wish the best..i know exactly how you feel. hugs -john
candie13 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Very well put. I agree with you completely. Luckily I have done that for the last year and a half. We basically just share a 10k sf house. We just inhabit space. But we do our own things. I have new friends new routines. All my family holidays are now carried out in a different manner. But still there has been that comfort zone. You feel good when ur ex that dumped you is sitting at home and u know what he is or isn't doing. But that's just wanting control and falls under rule 2. This will be the real change that's needed and I'm feeling strong and ready for it Thanks for posting We're all humans, but... after a few years from the BU, what your ex does and doesn't do, shouldn't really be any of your concern. The fact that it does shows you've got some road ahead still... out of sight, out of mind
Author oracle Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 I agree for the most part... BUT I would say that depends. Depends on the relationship The typical 2-4 year fling.. ya probably not. 15-20-30 years. Someone you grew up with? I think you are allowed to be a lil curious even years down the road, and i think It doesn't have to have the same power as it once did. If you actually loved the person, and they played a huge role in your life then you can always still care about them and their well being and the outcome of their life. I find this forum has a tendancy to er on the sour grapes side.. And I get that and for the most part thats what people here need. But life truly is a grey area. I know several people who came out of relationships longer than mine and they have healthy relationships with the ex's. Is it for everyone? no. But it does happen and does work for some people - after the moving on part has happened though We're all humans, but... after a few years from the BU, what your ex does and doesn't do, shouldn't really be any of your concern. The fact that it does shows you've got some road ahead still... out of sight, out of mind 1
candie13 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 We should agree to disagree, here. 2-4 years isn't a fling , but I get your point. I dated my big ex for 7 years, between 23 to 30. I totally see the "growing up together" thing. Towards the end, we were in a LDR, also he was living in the country next to mine - a 5 hours drive. Anyway, he was comfortable keeping it LD for a little while more, I wasn't, so he had to move out of my place - he was there almost every other weekend, we'd even furnished the apartment together. Anyway... after I left him and after he came with the ring - which I turned down, he wanted to keep in touch, after a couple of months of NC. I met him for coffee once. It doesn't work, it does absolutely no good. It was a mistake. Since that one coffee - which happened three years ago, he'd been contacting me every three weeks, one month. At the beginning with false excuses, only to stay in touch. Then he wanted to meet me again... whatever for? It's been 6 months since I've gone totally and completely NC. I should have done it long ago. More sane. It's only my experience and my feedback as to a clear situation. Once it's broken, there really is no use of looking back. One of the two will always wonder what if... there's an old Romanian saying: "let the dead lay with the dead, and the living with the living". Best of luck, oracle, I do wish you plenty of good things, going forward!
Author oracle Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Good on ya for being a strong person, I like hearing that. I appreciate your experience and perspective and I will keep it in mind over the next few months. All the best to you as well! We should agree to disagree, here. 2-4 years isn't a fling , but I get your point. I dated my big ex for 7 years, between 23 to 30. I totally see the "growing up together" thing. Towards the end, we were in a LDR, also he was living in the country next to mine - a 5 hours drive. Anyway, he was comfortable keeping it LD for a little while more, I wasn't, so he had to move out of my place - he was there almost every other weekend, we'd even furnished the apartment together. Anyway... after I left him and after he came with the ring - which I turned down, he wanted to keep in touch, after a couple of months of NC. I met him for coffee once. It doesn't work, it does absolutely no good. It was a mistake. Since that one coffee - which happened three years ago, he'd been contacting me every three weeks, one month. At the beginning with false excuses, only to stay in touch. Then he wanted to meet me again... whatever for? It's been 6 months since I've gone totally and completely NC. I should have done it long ago. More sane. It's only my experience and my feedback as to a clear situation. Once it's broken, there really is no use of looking back. One of the two will always wonder what if... there's an old Romanian saying: "let the dead lay with the dead, and the living with the living". Best of luck, oracle, I do wish you plenty of good things, going forward! 1
Recommended Posts