thora-tiki Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 lindsay1990 wrote: «Thora-tiki, I'm searching for a post that has your break up story but can't find it...I'm curios after reading the threads on the evolution of no contact» I found it difficult to write about my break up, since it is so long ago. But I'll try to give you the skinny on my break-up: My November 2012 break-up: I dated my ex for 6 years. He is 3 years younger than me. My ex has depression and used alcohol to cope, alcohol was his medicine. He didn't go and never wanted to go to therapy for his depression/alcohol abuse etc. It was never his fault, always everyone else's fault. In other words, he really needed to evolve. No contact helped me with this. At the end of our relationship he said to me: I don't love you anymore, only as a friend. I was so hurt and desperate to get him back. I was in panic mode, began frantically searching the internet using phrases such as «break ups», «break up stopper», whatever. Boy, the old thora-tiki was a mess! Hah! I found a site called How to kick loves a*s. I started no contact November 17 2012. I sent him this message, I found it on the same site as above. This is the message I sent my ex: «Hi. I agree with your decision to break up. I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time. I'll be in touch when I am ready.» A week later he called me, I didn't pick up. Then my door bell rang. It was dildo face, very drunk. He told me he missed me, that he made a mistake, blah blah blah. I thought: no contact message is magic. Next day, I was feeling like a million bucks, waking up next to my beloved. He was quiet and told me, he still didn't regret his decision of breaking up with me. When he left, I decided to re-send no contact message: «Hi. I agree with your decision to break up. I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time. I'll be in touch when I am ready.» This time he replied: I agree. Hope we can be friends some day. I was floored. What had I done?! I then blocked his a*s on everything, except e-mail, and deleted him from my life. I couldn't block him from calling me. I just decided never to answer. Two weeks later. He calls me again. I didn't pick up. Since he had texted (the: I agree. Hope we can be friends some day-text) and then phoned me once, I re-sent the no contact message, no changes. I re-sent the no contact message, whenever I thought: I need to push back. Since I knew he was just pushing me whenever he sent me an e-mail or tried to call. There is a point to the no contact message (I am suggesting), it draws a line in the sand, and if you let your ex smudge that line and attempt to erase it (by telling you: We can be friends when I/you have cooled down, or what ever lame things exes can say), that shows a lack of respect for you, and your feelings. The ex is being selfish. After 10 months of no contact I have learned this: - Dildo face was the problem. Not me. - He was selfish, stubborn, unwilling to change, and just dead weight holding me back. (Gaah!) - I stayed and tolerated his selfishness because I loved him. (Not good) - I catered to his every desire. (Stop it, thora-tiki!) In the end, dildo face still broke up with me. (Nice) What I have learned I need: - I will only accept the best version of him, nothing less. - I am a changed person, I love myself and know my limits/boundaries. - Whatever good old dildo face did in the old failed relationship - he was supposed to! It was not some bonus I was receiving from him. - Dildo face was supposed to be kind, loving and giving towards me. It's not some balancing game where I should have gone: «oh yeah, he did this horrible thing to me, but he also did this good thing - so it's ok». No it wasn't! It wasn't just me that evolved during my no contact. Dildo face evolved too. - He started therapy, and rehab. (He knows he has to keep working on himself and going to therapy to be in my life.) - This, therapy/rehab, was something he did for himself. - I had nothing to do with that. On September 15, I phoned dildo face, and I asked him to meet (September 22) for a walk in my neighbourhood... (See more details in my no contact story.) - No contact was my safe and cosy cave. I stayed there until I was ready. - The e-book «the magic of making up» was, and still is, my manual. - My break up buddies was, and still are, my secret weapon. Like I've said before: I know that the real show/ordeal starts now... Bring it! 3
Mariposa10 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks for such a great post! I was also curious about your breakup. Dildo face is a lucky man!!! You're such a cool person 1
BC1980 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks for posting this because I'm still wondering if and when I should contact my ex. I'm giving myself 90 days minimum of NC before I make any decisions. I told him basically the same thing. That I would be in touch when I felt ready. He hasn't contacted me so far, but I don't expect him to any time soon. He will be respectful of my request if nothing else.
lylat333 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I agree w/ Mariposa. thora-tiki, I would normally never use this word but your posts on this site are a blessing. They always lift my spirits, make me feel optimistic and encouraged, like you are out there cheering us all on. I wish my ex came to my doorstep as quick as a week after implementing NC. But it took me a while to implement NC. I didn't block her out of my life until 40+ days of not having heard from her. I'm just curious, thora-tiki... did you plead very much or show a lot of emotion during the breakup? I don't see my ex and I reconciling, I would ignore her if she called or texted me. But I admit I wish she would show even an ounce of remorse or regret which she never did once she stopped talking to me. It really messes with a dumpee when you're kicked to the curb and given nothing but silence. Something you posted in your other thread was, "The only time you'll ever be satisfied and obtain closure with a break up is when you're the one breaking up. Accept the fact that unless a break up ends on your term any break up you experience will end in pain and heartache." That's so true for me. Finding your own closure is hard. I move forward expecting to never know why some things happened the way they did and knowing nothing about my ex's life or how she feels. NC is my cozy cave, too. Yesterday I was looking through some "likes" on another account on FB and I stopped myself as soon as I realized I could have been very close to scrolling past my ex's profile picture. Just the thought of it about gave me a heart attack. I don't want to know anything, the more NC you can go the more you will heal, and that's what we need. (probably the dumper, too)
lindsay1990 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks ThoraTiki! I wish I could have done this but ten days after I moved out of my ex's place (and no contact) he sent a message was saying he "loved me and wished me only the best". Obviously I replied telling him to go to hell and stay away from me, as I was insulted that he was basically insisting on the break up. Maybe should have stayed quiet and let him come around, haha and done this! However, in my immature mind, I had already done 10 days no contact (after begging 23 days living together) so that meant No Contact only served to make him surer. I wonder if you ex realizes or is willing to vocally acknowledge what a great thing you did for him. Not just for the relationship but also for himself. It sounds like he was on a self-indulgent, self-destructive path and your reaction/actions may have well been the wake up call that saved his life and his future. Literally I feel like you made him get his act together and turn his life around. He'd be a fool not to realize what kind of woman you are after this, you provided self-respect for the both of you and the hard way, and not marry you! Great story! 1
BC1980 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I wish my ex came to my doorstep as quick as a week after implementing NC. But it took me a while to implement NC. I didn't block her out of my life until 40+ days of not having heard from her. I'm just curious, thora-tiki... did you plead very much or show a lot of emotion during the breakup? I think my ex would have tried to contact me if I had gone NC sooner. I'm mad at how weak I was, but I did what I did. I can't change it. 1
Mariposa10 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks for posting this because I'm still wondering if and when I should contact my ex. I'm giving myself 90 days minimum of NC before I make any decisions. I told him basically the same thing. That I would be in touch when I felt ready. He hasn't contacted me so far, but I don't expect him to any time soon. He will be respectful of my request if nothing else. Did you email him or did you tell him on the phone? And what did he say?
lindsay1990 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 BC1980, if you are wondering whether to contact him ask yourself if there is anything he could say that could break your heart. I can be anything from "I'm seeing someone casually" or "I'm dating this girl, I'm in love and realize thanks to her that what I felt for you was never love because it doesn't compare". I know I am an extremist but I think sometimes these wild scenarios are the best indicators of where we really stand.
BC1980 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Did you email him or did you tell him on the phone? And what did he say? I told him on the phone. He said he was sad, but he would respect my decision and "follow my lead" with regards to contact. He said he was still trying to protect himself because he didn't want to have to end up back where we were when we broke up. He said he was uncertain of our future, but he didn't feel that he wanted to sell the engagement ring back yet. He said he hope we would end up together, but he couldn't say right then. Very frustrating stuff, so my decision to go NC was basically reinforced after that conversation. The conversation was calm and on good terms, so that is good. I never cried or got upset, mainly because I just had no more emotions left to spend on him. I was just emotionally spent by that point anyway.
BC1980 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 BC1980, if you are wondering whether to contact him ask yourself if there is anything he could say that could break your heart. I can be anything from "I'm seeing someone casually" or "I'm dating this girl, I'm in love and realize thanks to her that what I felt for you was never love because it doesn't compare". I know I am an extremist but I think sometimes these wild scenarios are the best indicators of where we really stand. Today, I was thinking about how terribly wrong it could possibly go if I contacted him in the future. What if it all ended in heartbreak again? I can't do that again. No way would I contact him right now. Not enough time has passed. 1
Mariposa10 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I told him on the phone. He said he was sad, but he would respect my decision and "follow my lead" with regards to contact. He said he was still trying to protect himself because he didn't want to have to end up back where we were when we broke up. He said he was uncertain of our future, but he didn't feel that he wanted to sell the engagement ring back yet. He said he hope we would end up together, but he couldn't say right then. Very frustrating stuff, so my decision to go NC was basically reinforced after that conversation. The conversation was calm and on good terms, so that is good. I never cried or got upset, mainly because I just had no more emotions left to spend on him. I was just emotionally spent by that point anyway. I can relate with the last two sentences... I also requested NC on the phone...
Author thora-tiki Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Mariposa10: You wrote: «You're such a cool person» Thank you for saying that. Ditto! :-) bc1980: You are really onto something. Your 90 day no contact, then see how you feel (if you feel ready, great, if not, you'll jump off that bridge when you get to it), is such a great idea. You have the power. He is waiting for you. He is probably sh*tting himself he is so curious about you and your life: - What will she say? - When is she ready? - Gaah! Muhaha! By the way I just read something that said no contact usually takes around 90 days to work rather than 30. I think that makes sense, feelings and emotions and people don't change enough in a month... You wrote: «Today, I was thinking about how terribly wrong it could possibly go if I contacted him in the future. What if it all ended in heartbreak again? I can't do that again. No way would I contact him right now. Not enough time has passed.» This just means you are not ready date, ex or a new guy (in my opinion). It is ok to be single, and to enjoy it. To every woman on here: We women feel like we have to be at a certain point in a relationship by a certain time, or we have failed in some way as a woman. That is not true. lylat333: Thank you for saying that, that I make you feel optimistic and encouraged. I try to post positive and supportive posts to the people on here. Otherwise I would be creating negative energy for everyone. Something I don't want to do. You wrote: «I'm just curious, thora-tiki... did you plead very much or show a lot of emotion during the breakup?» Yes, the day he broke up, I begged, cried and said all I needed to say. I think the break up lasted 5 hours! Phu! It didn't make him change his mind. My break up was serious - he was never coming back. What helped me, and stopped me from breaking no contact, was that I had said everything that I needed to say. + I knew if I break no contact, he'll think that I am ready (since that is what my message said, I'll be in touch when I am ready), and if I am not, then I will be the one sending mixed signals. (Bad) So no use in breaking no contact before I was ready, because, what could I say that hadn't already been said…? Yes, my ex was quick at my door step, professing his love, after he received the no contact message, but as soon as he felt he «had» me, he went back to: I don't regret my decision. You wrote: «I don't see my ex and I reconciling, I would ignore her if she called or texted me.» This is way in the future, and you need to be worrying about you, not reconnecting, or not reconnecting, in your case. It is best for now, to forget about ever reconnecting, or not, at this stage, it's going to hurt, yes, but just concentrate on acknowledging and accepting that it is over. Then you really will move on from that old failed relationship. lindsay1990: You wrote: «I wish I could have done this but ten days after I moved out of my ex's place (and no contact) he sent a message was saying he "loved me and wished me only the best". Obviously I replied telling him to go to hell and stay away from me, as I was insulted that he was basically insisting on the break up. Maybe should have stayed quiet and let him come around, haha and done this! However, in my immature mind, I had already done 10 days no contact (after begging 23 days living together) so that meant No Contact only served to make him surer.» Things are not always what they seem. Don't let outside factors (him acting wishy-washy) colour your perception of how you think this may turn out. This is why it is best to not think/worry about your ex at all, and focus on your own life. Him acting wishy-washy is a red flag. No contact will make him squirm, you watch, he likes playing games with you, so just ignore lame text from him, because that's what people resort to (texting lame sh*t) when they are getting their a*s kicked - so expect it. If we are truly evolved, we will see that strange behaviour as what they are: red flags, and get that the ex is not ready to reconnect. And that we need to give no contact some more time.
Author thora-tiki Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 No contact can be painful, but the pain will fade, and your life will get better - much, much better. In time you will discover the «true character» inside both of you, and find out what you're both made of. I believe people when they say it will get better. But the sucky thing about time - is that it takes time. I try to feel different, instead of great. I try to feel less depressed, instead of super. Etc. If we accept that this is a slow process, we'll be surprised at how quickly we will heal. For me, therapy and supporting break up buddies was, and is, a lifesaver. If you hear from the ex, that he/she loves you, misses you, made a mistake, blah blah blah. Don't break no contact until you are ready: I know what you're thinking «what if I go cold on him/her and stick to no contact and his/her enthusiasm dies down and he/she changes his/her mind about everything he/she'd said in an attempt to get me back!». But think about it, if the ex does change his/her mind then that will be his/her true colours showing. The ex has to be committed to what he/she's saying instead of sticking for it for a day/week/month or so, then going back to his/her old ways, and resulting in another break up. 1
BC1980 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 No contact can be painful, but the pain will fade, and your life will get better - much, much better. In time you will discover the «true character» inside both of you, and find out what you're both made of. I believe people when they say it will get better. But the sucky thing about time - is that it takes time. I try to feel different, instead of great. I try to feel less depressed, instead of super. Etc. If we accept that this is a slow process, we'll be surprised at how quickly we will heal. For me, therapy and supporting break up buddies was, and is, a lifesaver. If you hear from the ex, that he/she loves you, misses you, made a mistake, blah blah blah. Don't break no contact until you are ready: I know what you're thinking «what if I go cold on him/her and stick to no contact and his/her enthusiasm dies down and he/she changes his/her mind about everything he/she'd said in an attempt to get me back!». But think about it, if the ex does change his/her mind then that will be his/her true colours showing. The ex has to be committed to what he/she's saying instead of sticking for it for a day/week/month or so, then going back to his/her old ways, and resulting in another break up. Thanks for the positive messages. It helps a lot to see other people going through the same thing. It is difficult because it takes time, and we are not patient by nature. We live in a world where we are taught to get everything right now. In matters of the heart, this is a hard lesson but a worthwhile one.
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