pasta noodle Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) When my boyfriend (20) and I (23) started dating seven months ago, he said he wanted to wait at least a year before having sex. I'm fine with that because--well, I have perpetually zero sex drive. I like cuddling and hand holding, but I don't get aroused from making out or going further. I guess that's pretty strange, but I was badly sexually abused growing up, so my lack of sexual desire is likely linked to that. I told my boyfriend about these issues the day he asked me out--so he could know what he was getting himself into--and he said he was fine with it...although I can't help but wonder if it bothers him sometimes. (I'm not a virgin and he is, although I doubt that makes much of a difference.) Lately, my boyfriend has become increasingly physical, which I don't mind at all, but I'm definitely not as into it as he is. Could this cause problems down the road? Several times, he has asked me if I enjoy myself while we're kissing or he's getting touchy-feely, and I answer honestly: I enjoy it, just on an emotional level rather than a physical one. I can't help but wonder if this creates a disconnect between us. And I don't want him to feel insecure or inadequate or anything, because my lack of sexual drive is not any fault of his. I appreciate any thoughts or advice! Edited October 2, 2013 by pasta noodle
Tony T Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) It may very well be too late for this relationship but as soon as you can possibly afford it you need to seek qualified medical and psychological help. First, get a full physical including bloodwork to be sure you are hormonally balanced and capable of sexual feelings. Let the physician know exactly what your problem is. If any of the doctor's findings are troubling, you can be treated at the physical level at that time. Once you are found to be normal in those areas, if that's the case, IMMEDIATELY AND WITH SPEED AND VIGOR seek psychological help. Sex is an extremely important component of a relationship and you will be doomed to extreme and frequent heartbreak if you find you are incapable of having passionate sex or remain uninterested and unaroused. Men are men and they will love you and care for you. But there will always come a time in every relationship when they are ready for lovemaking. If you can't get into it and are unable to fake an interest at an acceptable level, the relationship will fizzle. It's not the most important part of a relationship but it's a part that is not negotiable for most men. You are extremely lucky to have found a guy who is willing to wait a year for sex. Kudos for that. But you should have been spending that year getting help. I agree that your problems most likely stem from the abuse you sustained growing up. Those painful experiences can be hurtful and problematic as time passes. That's why a highly competent therapist, counselor, etc., can work with you to resolve those past issues and prepare you for a life of satisfying relationships that contain all the usual elements. Good luck to you. This is NOT something you should take lightly. If you can't afford to get help, go find a loan or get a side job. Just get it done! Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
soccerrprp Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 When my boyfriend (20) and I (23) started dating seven months ago, he said he wanted to wait at least a year before having sex. I'm fine with that because--well, I have perpetually zero sex drive. I like cuddling and hand holding, but I don't get aroused from making out or going further. I guess that's pretty strange, but I was badly sexually abused growing up, so my lack of sexual desire is likely linked to that. I told my boyfriend about these issues the day he asked me out--so he could know what he was getting himself into--and he said he was fine with it...although I can't help but wonder if it bothers him sometimes. (I'm not a virgin and he is, although I doubt that makes much of a difference.) Lately, my boyfriend has become increasingly physical, which I don't mind at all, but I'm definitely not as into it as he is. Could this cause problems down the road? Several times, he has asked me if I enjoy myself while we're kissing or he's getting touchy-feely, and I answer honestly: I enjoy it, just on an emotional level rather than a physical one. I can't help but wonder if this creates a disconnect between us. And I don't want him to feel insecure or inadequate or anything, because my lack of sexual drive is not any fault of his. I appreciate any thoughts or advice! I feel that it will (if it hasn't already) cause problems down the road. He has to be amazingly emotionally committed to you to remain in a relationship where he is not satisfied sexually, emotionally and physically. I suspect that his ego will eventually take over to the point of being unhappy b/c he will feel that he is not doing enough for you, you are responsive enough and you know where that leads some people....seeking someone else who will satisfy his ego....his sexual needs.
Els Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 If you have told him all of this, he tells you that it is not an issue for him, and his actions match his words, then I would believe him. Plus it was him who said he wanted to wait, was it not? You are both quite young, though, and still finding yourselves. I think it would be a good idea for your personal growth, to seek professional help for coping with the past sexual abuse. IMO it would benefit you greatly to do so - and not just sexually either. 1
crederer Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Short answer, yes. Big time problems down the road. He's not sexually experienced yet so it's okay for now but yah, he's going to want it fairly regularly.
Recommended Posts