Author MovingPast Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Well, if he has a prepaid phone, it's hidden in an orifice of his body that I'm not checking! Honestly, I have checked everything I can think of and every place I can think of. There is not a penny out of place and since I confronted him, there hasn't been a minute of his time unaccounted for. I have matched time sheets to payroll records, they match perfectly. We don't use cash (if there were cash taken out of our account, I'd be able to easily tell) we use debit cards. The only purchases he's had in the last 6 months are "at the pump" purchases which I dug out all the old receipts out to match up and purchases at Tractor Supply that I have all the receipts to. He doesn't use the internet, ever. He doesn't have internet access on his phone and I'm the only one on this laptop, he can't even log in... if he knew how... it's password protected. I don't know what else there is to check. We will start counseling next week, you're absolutely correct, Sunny, our marriage needs a lot of work. Work that he seems willing to do at the moment, will he stay willing... all I can say is, he better, or he will have to leave. I doubt that he would agree that he has gotten a "slap on the hand". I have not made the last month pleasant for him, I've been hurt and mad and I've done my dead level best to make sure he was as miserable as I was. Should I have thrown him out when I first found the texts,,, I don't know... but I didn't. Will I hesitate to throw him out if I ever find anything again.... not for a single second. Forgiveness is a work in progress here. I've not forgiven him but I know that forgiveness is as much for yourself as the person you are trying to forgive, so I will work towards that. Hopefully counseling will help us work through this.
Snowflower Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) Movingpast, I'm so sorry your husband has put you in this spot. What a jerk he is! Okay, so you've checked everything you can (phone records, bank accounts, etc). Doesn't that make you feel icky? I'm not saying that you shouldn't have done that but it is so sad that your husband has put you in the position where you feel this is necessary. However, all the checking in the world on your part does not take away the fact that he still can talk to her at work. In fact, work is where they first started their A so it remains a likely avenue of communication. What are you going to do about that? ETA: please don't think some of the responders on your thread are being harsh. Its just that many of us have been in your spot. I was way too trusting of my H in those early days too. I now look back at my actions and wish I had been tougher on him. Oh yeah, I yelled at him and showed him how much he hurt me. I'm not sure how much that really taught him though. But honestly, men react more to actions than words. Please keep that in mind as you go forward. Edited October 21, 2013 by Snowflower 1
Author MovingPast Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I don't feel icky about checking but I do feel "icky" about feeling like I have to check everything. I didn't ever want to feel like I NEEDED to check everything. However, that's the position I find myself in. They're all things I had and have had access to for years, including his payroll records which are online. Since he doesn't use the computer at all, anything he ever wanted done online, payroll checked, phone bill paid, etc, he's always asked me do, so they are all things he knows I have access to. Before this incident, I had always felt we were pretty transparent with each other... yano, nothing to hide. I don't feel like the comments have been too harsh, I understand the pain that other ppl on this forum have been through. I think their comments are out of concern and experience. I really do appreciate the support and have tried to take every comment into consideration. We've been over the issue of him still working with her. He has put in for a transfer to another department. Will that work for me... I don't know, all I can do is see how I feel over time. If I see him continue to communicate, go to counseling, working on our marriage and nothing suspicious happens, maybe it will be... If I find anything else out, it will NOT work for me then.
2sure Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I know what you mean about the "checking up on him" stuff. When I was doing it, it was part of the job , the work, of reconciliation. He had his jobs , I had mine. It was part of the process of rebuilding trust. Or actually building it in the event the the previous trust was blind trust. Anyway, I hated doing it. It was just another thing on the long list of things I had to do in my life every day or every week. Another chore. Work, groceries, dinner party, school stuff, doctors appts., phone records. And I also hated it because it isn't in my nature to be nosy and in reading his emails I was reading other people's mail as well. Business that was not mine. But , it's part of the whole thing, so you do it.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I think he was ushered into this by her, she started telling her sob story to him, eliciting sympathy and she was looking and trying to make an emotional bond. He did tell her of our martial problem, (which maddens me to NO END!) He fell right into the trap of a divorced woman looking for her next husb. The above bothers me just a bit. It is possible this is how it started but do not put the entire blame on her - it was a two way street. Many relationships like this do start with confiding in the other person about their marriage, life, etc. I know my husband's did - but it was two sided - she complaining about her marriage and him complaining about me - I will never, ever know what was really spoken between the two of them. My relationship with my XMM was somewhat like that, but we had a lot in common which drew us to each other from the beginning - yes he pursued me (I can take this back even 15 years or so and pinpoint when that started even innocently) in my husbands house even, but I was just as guilty. No one more than the other. The thing is, you will never know what really goes on at work and as long as they work together in any way, you will never be able to trust completely now that the line has been crossed. It is going to be hard, but you are going to have to be diligent. Even in my situation, I know that my husbands xmw sometimes stops by his office "just to see the girls she used to work with". I don't always know when that occurs. I keep my eyes open, but it is also likely he has a phone I don't know about, a bank account I don't know about, an email account I don't know about, etc. I hate to say it, but my gut is that he is hypervigilant right now and once things quiet down there is hug opportunity for things to start up again, underground. Be careful...
Author MovingPast Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Thanks 2sure, that helped me be able to check with a new perspective on the duty of checking, it is really the way to build trust back in someone. I'll have to check until I can trust... I don't know how long that will take. Right now I'm in the angry stage and I have yelled about several of the things I know happened. I've yelled and told him exactly what I feel is an inappropriate emotional affair.... which is something you would not want your partner to do with an opposite sex friend. He tells me he didn't tell me about his friendship because I wouldn't have let him stay in that friendship... and I said,,, uhhh would you want me to stay in a relationship if you were uncomfortable with it or I knew the relationship would make him uncomfortable. His response was no. That's the boundary I;ve lived 30 years of my life with. It's not some radical idea or new age thinking.... it's simply.... treat your partner the way you want to be treated. And IF your partner feels it's inappropriate.... then IT'S INAPPROPRIATE!!!!! Trust me Lil,,, I will be careful
Author MovingPast Posted November 26, 2013 Author Posted November 26, 2013 It's almost a month since my last post, just and update. Those of you that have been through this... what a crappy, gut-wrenching, fluid depleting (I think I have literally cried a river) life examining, humiliating, aggravating, drawn out, life sucking mess this is! Counseling didn't work out, rural area, not much choice,,, counselor was more interested in his cell phone than us. The trickle truth has continued dripping since my last post. However he was still maintaining just a friendship, no attraction, no emotional attachment... yada yada yada... you know the speel... So, I asked him to text the other woman and tell her there would no longer be ANY contact at work except what was necessary for work, she replied with a hateful response. There has been no phone contact between them and I"m still searching the car and everywhere else, no burner phone found. No extra money spent. Put a VAR in his truck ... got nothing but him singing to the radio. He texts me when he leaves work and tells me if he has to stop anywhere. I've checked the mileage on his vehicle also, nothing unusual there. I went and purchased "We're Just Friends" and I told him if he wants to stay in this marriage we're gonna sit down and read this chapter by chapter and discuss it. He agreed. I can't believe how much it's helped. I didn't have a lot of hope when we started reading it, I had just had a bit of trickle truth fall and poke me in the eye so I wasn't expecting much. About halfway through the book, he sat down with me and started admitting what had been going on. I don't know that I have the whole truth but I believe I have most of it. Basically it was an EA that because of circumstances and the OW's apparent need to be pursued, had not turned into a PA. YET!. I can see by the phone records that when my WH would not call or text her, she would initiate contact asking him to call or text. I have no doubt if I hadn't found this out when I did, this would have gone to PA at any moment. He has come clean about his feelings and fantasies about the EA. He says he had not spoken them to the OW. Oddly, after he confessed to me, I felt better than I had in months (it's nice to have the occasional confirmation that you're not actually nuts!) We have read the book and are trying to put the principles into work in our marriage. I have no idea if this is the end of the trickle truth or not. Wonder if I'll ever know...
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