somedaymaybe Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 hello, I'm not new to this forum but every time I register, it seems I don't come back for a year or two after I've posted a few times and I end up forgetting my login credentials! :-P Anyhow, I am a total wreck. My life is such a mess right now and my emotional state is a direct reflection of that. I have known my husband since we were 14 and 15, and now I'm 29 and he's 28. We were always friends in high school and for a while afterward, even worked together at a restaurant for a brief while. We lost touch somewhere along the lines and reconnected last summer (May 2012) and hit it off amazingly well. Things felt so perfect and happy and I fell for him a lot faster than I usually fall for anyone. He led me to believe that he felt the same and that he was as invested in our relationship as I was. Fast forward three road trips and four months later: I found out I was pregnant, and we were both excited. That was last September and he had been living with me for about a month at that time, in between traveling. At the end of December we got married. And that's really when things changed. Our relationship went from one based on (what I believed to be) mutual trust and love to one of lies, secrets, him not coming home at night, some physical violence, drugs, and his porn addiction. I found out that for the first couple of months that we were together he was still talking to and pursuing other girls via Facebook. Rather than explain WHY he had been doing this, he was livid that I found out. He then simply claimed that it didn't mean anything and he'd never slept with any of them (not sure if that's true but I digress.) I also discovered that he regularly watched porn and I saw a pattern: when he'd watch porn, he was not at all interested in me. We'd go weeks without intimacy and if we tried, he couldn't get "in the mood." He claimed it was because I was pregnant and he felt weird about having sex knowing his child was in my stomach. This was a load of crap because he has two children already and has dated women pregnant with other men's children in the past. The porn genres he'd search for were for women who were literally the opposite of me in every conceivable way. So there went a lot of my self esteem... I feel undesirable and ugly after all of this. His excuse for porn was that it is something he's always watched and it doesn't mean anything other than entertainment. :-/ In line with the porn facet, he admitted when I was 7 months pregnant that he really did love me but he wanted to have a "swinger" type relationship and that he would love to watch me with another man while he was with another woman. This broke my heart and from that point on I just felt crushed and unsure of anything in our marriage. Several nights he did not come home when he said he would, or not at all, and he later admitted that he'd run into old friends and went back to their houses and gotten high with them - cocaine or other hard drugs. He also admitted to frequently using various pills, regularly. So basically he was never clean the whole time we were together. He was always angry that I didn't want him drinking excessively and said he hated how I had him on such a tight leash. There were moments of arguments that were so intense that I feel like I lost myself. I have said and done things I never thought I would just out of sheer hurt and feelings of betrayal. This man has hit me, choked me, bashed my head into the floor... and yet I sit here now missing him in some strange way. We separated three weeks ago when I caught the tail-end of a phone conversation between him and his friend where I heard "because I f***ed her last month." Well, I know he wasn't referring to me. I called him out on it and he said he wanted a divorce because I am too nosy and in his business. We have a four month old baby boy together and he's the most precious thing I've ever known. I don't know how he possibly could be related to his father! He is trying to get me to agree to 50/50 custody with him being the primary parent so that *I* will have to pay him child support, even though throughout the duration of our relationship I worked full time (I'm self employed) and he did NOTHING but spend my money. I am so broken and I feel so empty... I guess the only way to explain it is that you get so used to a certain kind of pain that it becomes your comfort zone, and when that familiar feeling is absent you feel more miserable than when you're hurting. I miss the good times with him, though I know they were essentially an illusion. It breaks my heart for myself but mainly for my son because he deserves a better father. And I am two months pregnant again, of course with his child because I NEVER was unfaithful. I don't even know what I'm expecting to get from posting this. I just had to get some of this off my chest so maybe I can sleep tonight. Thanks for listening!
Philosoraptor Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Sounds like you realize that the dynamic is very unhealthy and you are not going to be happy with the kind of relationship he is proposing. While you are connected to this man, it will be better for yourself and your children to have a healthy male influence in their lives. As of right now your best course of action would be to talk to a lawyer and not let him manipulate or control you into anymore actions.
GuyInLimbo Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I hope you called the police when any of this violence happened. This scumbag shouldn't be anywhere near you OR your child. Period. He's an animal, a child and an abuser. Get as far away from him as you can and never look back.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Im very sorry you're in pain. Some of this can be avoided when and if you stand up for yourself though. You ARE much better off alone and can do this badly alone. Was there a reason you were not using protection after seeing his behavior deteriorate and after seeing how crappy he is as a father to the son you already have? I really dont mean to be rude but why in Gods name would you even have children with this waste of a man? I have to wonder why you would subject yet another child to his behaviour and further make yourself vulnerable to his abuse. It just seems insane to me. Now you will have 2 children by this man. Did you think about this stuff? Is birth control not available where you live? Does he not allow you to use birth control? Take some control back. Its YOUR life and your childrens lives that are in danger here. Mommy first. Wife second. Since he wants a divorce anyway, give him that and let him know he's smoking the good **** if he thinks you're going along with his idea about how custody will play out and tell him to get a ****ing job, like a good father
Mr. Lucky Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I don't even know what I'm expecting to get from posting this. Well, at least from me, you're going to get some tough love. The problem isn't him, it's you. In marrying a man with two other kids (wild guess on my part but they're from two women neither of which he married, right?) and then staying with him as he physically and emotionally abused you, ignored you for porn, belittled you for having his baby and then wanted to pimp you out in exchange for other women - what did you expect ??? The choices you've made have delivered you here. From your well-written and thoughtful post, you're obviously an intelligent person. So I hope you understand wishing he'll magically change from the asswipe he is to a responsible husband and father ain't gettin' it done. You've gotten good advice from others here. Stand up, lawyer up and move ahead to protect your son and child to be. Based on his actions, like it or not, you're all they've got. Let us know how it goes, we're pulling for you! Mr. Lucky
imtooconfused Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Wow, what a heartbreaking situation. I have seen this before... Most of your past is water over the bridge, but it sure sounds like you did not get married for the right reasons. As a result, there is absolutely no reason to stay married for those same wrong reasons. What's most important to understand is that the bad behaviors that you now see in your partner will never improve, and will most likely get worse (although seeing how bad they are, it's hard to imagine). And yes, those good times that you had with him in the past are only an illusion at this point. The most important thing is to protect your children and your income. Given that you have been married for such a short time (and your husband's life is such a mess), a good lawyer should be able to protect both of those things for you. As for yourself, you will need support. I hope that you have other family members and/or friends that can help you get through the next several troubling months???
Yarrow Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Don't agree to anything with him. Lawyer up now! Try to get some documentation or proof of his drug use, excessive drinking, and violence. Your lawyer can tell you what might be relevant, but I have a feeling those things are rather frowned upon when it comes to child custody. Don't beat yourself up about "the choices you've made". Not yet, anyways. That's for later when you meet someone new and you want to avoid repeating the same mistake. You got burned, so you're going to be wiser from now on. Blaming yourself right now is going to make you think of yourself as weak and stupid and a failure. You need to reinvent yourself as stronger and wiser and capable. Tell yourself you are someone who can overcome this, then get to work on doing just that!
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