brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Ok guys really need help, this is a lil complicated. So me and this guy met 3 months ago- Once only. Then I moved to a different city and he kept texting me constantly. His texts got sweeter everyday, and we seemed to have a good chemistry. He would usually text first. I wasnt that into him at the time. Slowly he grew over me and when I returned back to his city, we decided to meet. Our date started out amazing, I mean exceptionally great chemistry. Here's where it got ****ed up... We were making out in his car after the date and next thing you know he kissed my neck etc. The first time he tried to get me to go down on him and then I said no and he said its ok. Then we started making out again... At this point he asked me , "You are amazing , will you marry me "? After that, I ended up going down on him. Yeah I have no idea why I did that. It was pretty aggressive the way he pulled my hair - Sorry for the details but I think these are kinda important to speak of in my situation. I ve been beating myself up for this. After he went home he texted me goodnight I did not reply. He texted me again in the morning and I replied after a while , and told him I felt worse about what happened yesterday and that I feel really bad about this. So he said dont worry we juts had a great chemistry and said , He ll take me to dinner the same night and I said I Couldn't, and he got upset. Then he told me he was really excited to see me the weekend. I made an excuse because I Still feel awkward. After this, he got really estranged from me. He doesn't text me as much now. Hes also busy studying for his exam right now. But anyways I cant tell what is on his mind. I dont know what to do next. Please help..I do like him but I also think that in my mind I ve ruined it. I feel like he might not treat me respectfully anymore and expect me to repeat what happened the last time. my question is was it entirely my fault?if he liked me (as in serious) then wouldnt he try to not direct me down (or not unzip his pants?). Was he taken away in the moment? I dont know.
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) Please help I have strong feelings for him in a serious way. I ve never cried so much over any guy. (I hope he doesnt visit this site) Hes just really the sweetest guy I ve ever met and I fell in love with his personality so instantly. I also made it clear that I ve never done tehis before and he said its ok He doesnt go by the old rules. But all of a sudden I feel the distance. He was very excited about seeing me again last weekend but as soon as I told him no(because Of my guilt in my mIND) told him Im busy. I dont know if on this meeting he was expecting the same, I dont know if hes playng games and manipulating me or if he actually likes me. Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Purepony Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 He sounds in secure if hes asking you to marry him First you do something you should and then you regret it and you make it seem like its his fault and you turn things around on him then you expect him toa read your mind and come crawling back to you what the hell's going on? I can't use proper grammar because I'm using my text to speech. 1
emva07 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 No, I won't go down on you! oh what's that you say? you want to marry me, well in that case sure! He wants more of the same, and seeing as how easy you were thought you'd be game for more. Since you're not, he's not interested, on to another girl he can get what he wants from. And yes, you are right....no more respect. It's not your fault he's an ass. Oh PS, the marriage thing was to get you to go down on him. Worked didn't it? 2
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 He sounds in secure if hes asking you to marry him First you do something you should and then you regret it and you make it seem like its his fault and you turn things around on him then you expect him toa read your mind and come crawling back to you what the hell's going on? I can't use proper grammar because I'm using my text to speech. But, well I do think it was his fault to lead me to that point. If he really liked me wouldnt he control himself? This is my real question. If he respected me he wouldnt lead me into it? I m holding myself at fault, because they say its a woman's fault that she went down on a guy, but it takes two. If he would think that Im a whore out of this experience then I have the right to think the same that he gets blown on first dates? Or is it that difficult to control for guys.I have no experience with this. I was in love with him already and that could be the reason I could have proceeded at the moment. 1
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 No, I won't go down on you! oh what's that you say? you want to marry me, well in that case sure! He wants more of the same, and seeing as how easy you were thought you'd be game for more. Since you're not, he's not interested, on to another girl he can get what he wants from. And yes, you are right....no more respect. It's not your fault he's an ass. Oh PS, the marriage thing was to get you to go down on him. Worked didn't it? I guess this is the harsh reality. Lets say if I do want to meet him, or see if that's what is in his mind, how should I test him? The next time I meet him should I try to see if he wants it again and if so, declare that IM done with him?
emva07 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 yes, if he truly liked you he would've respected your desire to not want to do it and not have shoved you down his balls. It's both of your faults, his for manipulating you into doing it after you said no, yours for giving in easy. oh and some girl to girl advice....when females say "i've never done this before" or "i don't do this" or "i'm not like that" these are all lies in their ears, if anything to them it sounds like we have done it but trying to sound like good girls. And to be honest they don't give a crap if we have or haven't, we did it for them no? so why does it matter to them? That's all they need to know. Like a racist who likes saying "i'm not racist". Makes sense?
emva07 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 ask yourself this.... did he respect you on the first date? ok....there's your answer going forward.
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) ahhh thanks girl I feel sooo STUPID OMG NEVER AGAIN He did tell me the next day that he wants to take me out and we ll just talk. That night if he had kept his word would that be ok to see him again? I really did fall in love talking to him that night during and after dinner. and thats the only reason I did that... But anyway, I justify my self everyday and I dont think the guilt at the back of my mind will change, or the respect he has lost for me will change or the respect Ive lost for him will change. Edited October 2, 2013 by brokendoll
emva07 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 we are all young and stupid once. Now you have a story for your daughter. um....maybe not a story.....but wise advice. 1
emva07 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 when i was 19 an older guy (32)took me out on a date (he knew i was crazy about him because I had told mutual friends I thought he was cute) took me dancing, then to eat, then asked me if i wanted to go see where he lived (STOOOOPID) I said yes, he gave me a tour of his house, of course the bedroom was part of the tour....so we started making out....he asked for penetration I said no way, I wanted to wait....so we kept making out, I even spent the night, we cuddled all night....took me home and kissed me goodbye when he drove me home the next day. NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN. Had I given it to him would he have stuck around? Yeah, maybe a for a few more goes. He later went around telling his friends that he didn't see a relationship with me because I was too young and he didn't want to ruin my future. How convenient. I was devastated for almost a year. Cried my eyes out, woke my mom up in the middle of the night, it was crazy. Of course my mom was like ":rolleyes: we all go through this ****" in her head but nonetheless she comforted me every night. In retrospect....what an idiot. lol. But you couldn't have told me that back then.
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) when i was 19 an older guy (32)took me out on a date (he knew i was crazy about him because I had told mutual friends I thought he was cute) took me dancing, then to eat, then asked me if i wanted to go see where he lived (STOOOOPID) I said yes, he gave me a tour of his house, of course the bedroom was part of the tour....so we started making out....he asked for penetration I said no way, I wanted to wait....so we kept making out, I even spent the night, we cuddled all night....took me home and kissed me goodbye when he drove me home the next day. NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN. Had I given it to him would he have stuck around? Yeah, maybe a for a few more goes. He later went around telling his friends that he didn't see a relationship with me because I was too young and he didn't want to ruin my future. How convenient. I was devastated for almost a year. Cried my eyes out, woke my mom up in the middle of the night, it was crazy. Of course my mom was like ":rolleyes: we all go through this ****" in her head but nonetheless she comforted me every night. In retrospect....what an idiot. lol. But you couldn't have told me that back then. Wow that is relatively smart for a 19yo! I would have been flabergasted easily I guess with the cute stuff. I guess thats their way to manipulate. Atleast you didnt see him because he felt stupid himself, instead of you. I Think you had your mom to talk to about this stuff which is great. I could never talk about guys to my mom she will drive me out of the house. Atleast I know my daughters will know better :/stupid guys And sorry you went through that ahhhhhhh Edited October 2, 2013 by brokendoll 1
emva07 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 You should never feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with a guy (or for having sex). If a guy manipulates you into feeling guilty (which he's doing by not answering you so you can think it's your fault) then he does not like you in a serious way. 1
MalachiX Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Wait, I'm a little confused. Was he serious when he said, "will you merry me?" or was this a joke? Was going down on him because you were accepting is proposal? What is a bit troubling is that it sounds like he wanted to see you again and not try to building things non-sexually but you shot him down twice (of course, this may have been insincere but you really can't tell since you didn't see). I do think this "he won't respect me" stuff that seems to be bread into some women is damaging to a potential relationship. There are lots of guys who can have sex early and not have it affect any level of respect for their partner. He'd gone down on you that night at your own request, I don't think it he would be beating himself up about you not respecting him. Some guys are taught that they need to be the sexual agresser and try to move things forward. They're told this by friends, their culture, and by all the times they see women saying that they find being aggressive and attractive trait in a partner. I'm not saying this is the proper attitude but it seems to be one that both genders often encourage and expect to be the norm (especially with younger people who are less experienced). Young guys often feel that it's expected of them to try to continue to move things forward physically and wait until the women tells them to stop. If she starts going again, they sometimes figure that they're supposed to keep going as well. I'm not trying to assign gender roles here but rather I'm describing a trend that I've certainly experienced and I've often been surprised as an admittedly shy/non-agressive guy that some women seem to expect this kind of thing (I learned to mitigate things by constantly stopping and asking "is this OK?") Many of these guys don't think it's a matter of "respect" when sex happens. It may be the case that this guy simply was doing what he thought he needed to do and legitimately had feelings for you but, when you pulled away after your first sexual encounter and didn't even want to do non-sexual things, he felt rejected and thought he should move on. I don't know if this is really the case, I just know I've been in a place where someone I was deeply in love with was convinced for YEARS I didn't respect her because we had sex "early." I was after more than sex (as is indicated by the fact that we were in a serious relationship for the next three years) and was surprised that this kept coming up because I had also assumed that she wanted to have sex. Assuming that all men have a a sexist attitude towards women and are dogs isn't always the best policy if you really like someone and think there might be a deeper connection. 1
MalachiX Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 You should never feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with a guy (or for having sex). If a guy manipulates you into feeling guilty (which he's doing by not answering you so you can think it's your fault) then he does not like you in a serious way. It doesn't sound like he manipulated her into feeling guilty though. It sounds like her views on sex got her to feel guilty and it resulted in her essentially rejecting him even though he seemed to want more than sex. Of course, it's entirely possible he was manipulating her emotionally for more sex but there are guys who fall for women fast (just as she clearly fell for him fast) and just consider sex an extension of that. 1
emva07 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 If all he wanted was that, why would he have spent 3 months chasing you (with romantic/sweet messages)? :laugh::laugh: why not? Seems like you don't know your men very well. 1
SJC2008 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 When you decided to go down in him did he initiate that second time or did you? I'm not crazy about his antics but you pretty much blew him off. You told him in other words you were emarrassed about getting physical too soon and he said don't worry about it and you didn't go with it. I'd take that as 100% rejection. 1
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) @ MalachiX : He said that and then said"will you marry me" and then said " sorry I think its too soon to say that." I dont think I accepted the proposal ofcourse because I didnt think he was serious. What was in his mind (serious or not, I dont know). I agree, I should have gone to atleast one of the two invites. First night I was just guilty and I agree in my mind I was guilty because of what people say about first date girls that just made me hate myself more than anything. The weekend again, I couldn't get over it. When I said no about the weekend, he asked me again on friday(tentative date day) if I am sure. And I told him someone was visiting. I guess he figured out that I was making an excuse? I did not think this would have hurt him, so I continued out regular "Good night" and told him I missed last weekend. But he did not respond to that message instead just said "good morning baby". Obviously he intentionally ignored that thought, Do you guys think I hurt him with that? I do think this "he won't respect me" stuff that seems to be bread into some women is damaging to a potential relationship. There are lots of guys who can have sex early and not have it affect any level of respect for their partner. THankyou I really needed to know this. I dont have much experience with relationships/dating. Therefore this thread. I am trying to figure out what seems to be wrong in my mind is indeed wrong or is it just what I have fabricated for myself. I think he did not ask me if this is ok because we were so in love. And trust me I was/am. I called my friends and cried about it because I felt guilty. Hes actually the shy kind too, and really sweet. The first time he told me "Its ok I dont have to cum" Because I think he figured out that I felt bad that he didnt. I don't know if this is really the case, I just know I've been in a place where someone I was deeply in love with was convinced for YEARS I didn't respect her because we had sex "early." Are you serious? That sounds like me. brb I ll respond to the other messages tonight thanks guys Edited October 2, 2013 by brokendoll
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) @ 9122013 He did not force me. I did it and I feel guilty for it, and even though I like him I feel that somewhere in his mind he might have less respect for me now or assume that Ive done this with multiple guys. DO GUYS THINK THIS? This is my major concern. I feel like that based on some of the yahoo responses I ve read. "They assume the girl is a whore" Im anything but that. I did say thankyou at the end of the date when he dropped me off. I did not think he would text me before sleeping (this is how guilty I felt. He even tried calling me the next day but I did not answer my phone and told him to give me some time. He said no worries baby if you feel like that I ll take you out to dinner tonight we ll just talk . I said no I was sick and needed some time. And he asked me again the same night "are you down for a quick bite? I feel so alone". Now, explain to me how many times does a man need to get rejected before he should give up? No offense but to me, this sounds more like your issue [or you letting your issue hindering your romantic life, rather] than him being a player. Thanks like I said, Im not experienced. And I really needed to know that. And a player would have said "Let me know when you are in town", Actually he would ask me every week when I m moving back to the city because he cant wait to see me. In the car when he first picked me up he said that he felt like crying because I was actually with him. And when he fed me with his hands at dinner, I almost cried . Thats when I was in love. thanks again this really helped me Edited October 2, 2013 by brokendoll
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 @9122013 Im not saying its his fault that I went down on him.I m saying that I think he might not ever respect me the same as he would have, had I not done that And he doesn't think you are a wh8re, *you* think you are [under an erroneous assumption] because of what you did. And that guilt is *clearly* eating you away. Yes exactly. SO he doesnt respect me any less now?Or does he?And how can I undo it or gain back the respect I might have lost ? I just want to cry now. when in fact you seem to be the one who lost respect for yourself. That is something you need to work on [he can't solve the problem for you, as this is all in your head - hidden deep in your belief system.] I have no idea why this is in my head, I mean I do. But all this time I thought it was true. I was definitely regretting what I did and beating myself up for it. But I feel much better now.
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 When you decided to go down in him did he initiate that second time or did you? I'm not crazy about his antics but ayou pretty much blew him off. You told him in other words you were emarrassed about getting physical too soon and he said don't worry about it and you didn't go with it. I'd take that as 100% rejection. It was an event of actions and in the heat of moment, I forgot to mention that he uhmm I dont know how to say this without being explicit. But "------ on my nipples" during that time multiple times and that turns me on like crazy, like orgasmic. I think that's probably another reason I really wanted him to ... , in my mind I think I felt guilty if I didn't make him feel the same way. Ok that was definitely a missing part but I did not know how to say it. thanks
clia Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 After this happened, you rejected him. That's why he has now pulled back. He did not stop pursuing you after you went down on him -- you rejected him! What did you expect him to do -- keep chasing you forever when you were rejecting all of his efforts? Let me show you all the ways you rejected him: After he went home he texted me goodnight I did not reply. He texted me again in the morning and I replied after a while , and told him I felt worse about what happened yesterday and that I feel really bad about this. So he said dont worry we juts had a great chemistry and said , He ll take me to dinner the same night and I said I Couldn't, and he got upset. Then he told me he was really excited to see me the weekend. I made an excuse because I Still feel awkward. He texted you twice, he told you not to worry about what happened, he asked you out twice. And you rejected him! I'm sorry, but this is all on you. This is not a guy who blew you off after you blew him off. (Hee...) He wanted to keep seeing you and you said no. Twice. So, what to do now? Apologize to him for being an idiot and ask him out to dinner. He obviously likes you. 4
Author brokendoll Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks guys really appreciate it I think coming to this forum really saved my love. I mean it really opened my mind . I was really being hard on my self and ready to lose something that was so close to my heart. Something happened this morning (careerwise) and I was very upset about it. Because with a open mind now, I was able to tell him about it. He was at work so I texted him. he said "dont worry baby girl we ll get through this together, you ll be ok". And omg he hasnt texted me as much in the last few days since the weekend but today to make me feel better. So he's going to drive to my place to pick me up for coffee tonight . I just dont want to screw this up this time. OFcourse this meeting will be very emotional because of my loss careerwise which he really understands(same career). Any more suggestions tips? Thankyou again, really opened my mind. This guy has saved me today from getting depressed for the next year of my life.
MalachiX Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 You know, you guys might wanna take things a little more slowly on the emotional side rather than the sexual side (though both is probably a good idea). You both sound VERY young and deciding that you're "in love" with someone after one date or that you want to marry someone after one date seems really fast. Keep seeing each other but maybe hold off on all this super-intense stuff.
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