Second, Third, Fourth, and Fifth Chances...Why Can't I Stop Wanting To Be With Him??

[E050822]

Okay, some of you may remember me from a previous thread, but others may not. I was an active participant on a thread a few months ago that my then-boyfriend posted. So I thought I would come back to the same website for some cathartic...hashing-out, shall we say? So, here goes nothing.

 

I met "B" through an online dating site, almost a year ago. We were attracted to one another from the start, and our relationship turned serious very quickly. We met and started dating around the end of November last year, and it is now ending in the worst of ways. Nothing amicable about this split, as it stands right now.

 

He put me through some very hellish events through the course of our relationship, and, although I should have left, something kept me wanting to work through all of our problems. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone I've ever been romantically involved with, so I'm sure that's why I kept on going back to him, when I should have been running for the hills.

 

I found out, shortly after our relationship began, that there had been an "oops"...a night of passion (even though we were careful), had resulted in my becoming pregnant with his child. He insisted on an abortion, and even went so far as to tell me that if I did not agree to have the abortion, that I would be raising another child alone, just like my other two children. I very reluctantly agreed to go through this procedure. I knew that without him around, I could not handle raising a third child alone. This decision was very difficult for me, and continues to be to this day. I went into a deep depression afterwards, and still have bouts of depression from time to time.

 

Right around the time that I went through the termination, he had me move into his house that he and his daughter live in. I picked up not only mine, but my kids' lives as well, and moved in with him. This involved moving from one county to another county...one that I've never lived in before, the city where he lives is right on the outskirts of Detroit. Not a horrible neighborhood by any means, but not the best, either.

 

I found out a few months after, from a good friend of his, that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant and claimed that he was the father. His ex-girlfriend was someone he dated for a period of only two or three months. So he had felt that it was okay to put me through the emotional devastation of a termination (after telling me that he loves me and could see us having a future together and possibly getting married at some point), while the ex-girlfriend got to see her pregnancy through and now has an infant son. Again, this is something I found out about from a friend of his, not from him. It should have come from him, shouldn't it have??

 

In the late Spring, he had his cousin stay in the area to do some work for him. His cousin is a well-known womanizer, druggie, etc...and has been known to employ the services of prostitutes. For a week or two, this cousin stayed at a local motel while he worked for him. When the time came to check out of the motel, the cousin decided he didn't want to pay for another week in the motel, so "B" offered to let him sleep on the couch at his house.

 

So on June 5, "B" sets a recording device in the house without telling me. He knows his cousin's ways with women, and basically hints to him that he wants to see how I react if he shows me any kind of attention. He told me after the fact that this was a test he put me up to, that if I passed it, he was going to ask me to marry him. Well, I passed the test...the cousin never even tried to put any moves on me, to be exact...but not in his eyes. I never did a d*mn thing with the sleazy cousin, but he came up with a story and told "B" that I did do things with him. My thought is that he was unhappy at the time, so he wanted others close to him to be unhappy as well. I even went so far as to take a polygraph test, which I passed with flying colors. Even doing that, and telling "B" thousands of times that what his cousin says happened never did happen, it wasn't enough. To this day, he is still accusing me of cheating on him with his cousin.

 

DISCLAIMER: Here's where a lot of people are going to call me stupid, because he did something that put my life at risk, and I still stayed with him.

 

One night at the end of June, he went out to the bar and came home stone-cold drunk, around 3 in the morning. I was sleeping at the time. He went into his office and pulled out a gun that he kept in the house and was holding it. He says it accidentally went off. The bullet was discharged and went through the lower part of a bookshelf, into the wall of the office, which was right next to the bedroom I shared with him. If the closet door in the bedroom hadn't been closed about halfway, I don't know if I would be here right now. The bullet went through the closet door and the force of it pushed the door the rest of the way open. He came to the bedroom door and asked if I heard that loud noise. Knowing absolutely nothing about guns, I said that I had heard it, but thought that maybe it had been a firework going off nearby outside (as it was close to the Fourth of July). He said that it was a gunshot, but that it had come from outside...not inside the house.

 

The next morning, I grabbed my purse before leaving for work, which just happened to be right behind the closet door. I saw sawdust all over my purse, and then saw the hole in the closet door. I inspected the wall behind the closet door, but didn't see where a bullet could have come through from outside...then I went outside and checked the back of the house. Still no signs out there, either. He later admitted that the gun had gone off accidentally while he was holding it.

 

Around the middle of July, he served me with an eviction notice. He wanted me to move out of his house because he was so sure I had cheated on him. And just so everyone knows, I was not living there for free by any means. I was paying most of the bills, (cable, cell phones for both of us, electric/gas, and buying most, if not all of the groceries...as well as after school daycare for my kids, and occasionally his child, too!!) So I was given this notice and was told that I had 30 days to move out. Needless to say, I stopped paying the bills.

 

On August 4, he had the water department come out to the house and turn off the water meter. This was the day I moved out. Sorry, but I need basics like water where I live. He even told a neighbor after I moved out that if that's all it took, he would have done it sooner.

 

We fought back and forth for about a week, and ended up back together. Even with all he has put me through, I still loved him. It probably seems crazy to some of you after reading all of this, but I really was in love with him. We no longer live in the same house together, but I'm in the same area. I got an apartment about 5 minutes from his house.

 

Then last week, I went through a rough patch due to a death in my family. I had been off work for a couple of days on bereavement leave, so I could attend the funeral services. He came over Friday night, took my kids and I to dinner, and told me about a trip he had to make to Texas for business that weekend. He said his daughter was going to stay with a sitter. Then he shows up at my apartment with his daughter in the car and her overnight bag, and tells me that the sitter couldn't watch her, and his daughter didn't want to stay with the other sitter he uses. So he asked me if I could do it, and of course I agreed. He said he'd stay in touch while he was gone, and I could expect him back around 8 pm the following night.

 

So I watched his daughter for 30+ hours, and got a total of TWO text messages from him. Neither one of them ever asked about how his daughter was doing, if she was behaving, etc. So 8:30 pm rolls around the next night, and there's no sign of him. Since the next day was a school day, I told all the kids that we would go over to his house so she could get her backpack and an outfit for school the next day. I still had a key, so why not? I didn't know when he was planning on coming back, so I told her she would probably spend another night with us. So when we got to his house, we looked around to see if there were any signs that he had been there. We go into the bedroom that I once shared with him, and there are earrings on the dresser, a pair of women's flip flops on the floor, a clear plastic bag filled with a bikini top, an outfit or two, and hooker high-heels. Next to the bag is a pair of jeans or capri's with a pair of thong underwear bunched up inside. Needless to say, I flipped out!!! I knew these things weren't mine.

 

He finally gets to my apartment a little after 9 pm, and I started yelling at him immediately. I couldn't help it. He told me that he didn't know who the things belonged to in the bedroom when I showed him pictures of the stuff...that a few people have a key to his house, so it could be anyone's. But then the bombshell came...he said that shortly after he had "found out" about what happened (or more accurately, didn't happen) between his cousin and I, that he had cheated on me. In retaliation, even though there was nothing to retaliate against.

 

 

 

So why, why, why, why, WHY do I still feel the need to work through the problems I have with him? All we have been doing since Sunday is fighting back and forth, mostly through text messages. Part of me still loves him...but he still won't tell me the truth about who the things in the bedroom belong to, so part of me is very hurt and angry with him. I'm so torn, I have no idea what I should do at this point. Do I give up and walk away with my tail between my legs, or do I try to get the truth out of him so we can work it out???

[Philosoraptor]

This is codependency, you feel a need to be with him even though every bit of logic says that both he, and the people in his life, are incredibly toxic to you. He's at the very least a manipulator, controlling, and a user; and personally I think he's a scummy person.

 

You walk away from this relationship and seek counseling for codependency. Once you've rid yourself of this your logic will easily win out and you'll have no interest in this toxic person anymore.

Edited October 2, 2013 by Philosoraptor

[Exitleft]

sorry you are grieving the termination of your child, this doesn't sound like love. Someone that loves you won't have the heart to hurt you in the ways he has. He sounds a bit crazy too, spying on you, letting off guns, threatening to leave unless you abort. Short answer: walk away. You've tried and it hasn't worked and that is because you are not compatible, as the post above says you guys had a toxic relationship and you sound like you're addicted to him and his drama more than being in love. Get out and heal. The man who loved you cut the water off for you and your kids... That's not even decency let alone love. Good luck.

[E050822]

This is codependency, you feel a need to be with him even though every bit of logic says that both he, and the people in his life, are incredibly toxic to you. He's at the very least a manipulator, controlling, and a user; and personally I think he's a scummy person.

 

You walk away from this relationship and seek counseling for codependency. Once you've rid yourself of this your logic will easily win out and you'll have no interest in this toxic person anymore.

 

Philosoraptor, I think you're right. I did love him, more so than I've ever loved anyone else I've been in a relationship with. But he and his daughter are toxic to me. I spent a good portion of last night fighting with him on the phone, trying to get the truth out of him about who he cheated on me with, and whose personal belongings were found all over his bedroom. Still couldn't get the truth out of him.

 

I've made the decision to walk away, although it's breaking my heart to do it. But realizing that he didn't love me the way he claimed to is helping, I guess. At the very least, it's filling me with enough hurt and anger to only fill my head and my heart with bad memories and feelings.

[E050822]

sorry you are grieving the termination of your child, this doesn't sound like love. Someone that loves you won't have the heart to hurt you in the ways he has. He sounds a bit crazy too, spying on you, letting off guns, threatening to leave unless you abort. Short answer: walk away. You've tried and it hasn't worked and that is because you are not compatible, as the post above says you guys had a toxic relationship and you sound like you're addicted to him and his drama more than being in love. Get out and heal. The man who loved you cut the water off for you and your kids... That's not even decency let alone love. Good luck.

 

Exitleft: Maybe part of me is addicted to him and his drama, as you said above, but a big part of me loved him, too. I thought he could be the kind of man I wanted to commit the rest of my life to, but then all of these bad things started happening, and he was the root of all of it. Apparently he isn't who I thought he was, or wanted him to be.

[Exitleft]

I understand, I relate even to what you say you feel about this person. Part of us is in love with the potential of them and what we hope it could be but then there is the reality and it trumps the fantasy. I get you and it stings. I would say walk away for now so you can heal from what has already occurred. It's really hard when there's a lot of water under the bridge to repair things I've found in my relationships but time can only be good. Hope you're ok today.

[E050822]

I'm so sorry to hear of everything you have been through. Have you been to any type of grief counseling to help with the termination? Maybe seeking counseling would help you work through this and the relationship challenges as well?

 

Praying for you!

 

Thank you...the only counseling that was given a try was couples' counseling, and that was not very effective. We decided to give it a try after he accused me of cheating on him with his cousin...went to a handful of sessions and got absolutely nowhere. I don't recall either of us bringing up the termination in the counseling.

 

Even if I did seek grief counseling for myself, which I may look into, I highly doubt it would help the relationship challenges. The relationship is over; we barely speak to one another. I'm still very hurt by everything that has gone on through the course of the relationship. When we do speak, it's through text messaging, and we usually end up fighting again or ignoring one another because he can't handle my level of honesty in telling him where the relationship went wrong.

 

I'm upset because, after he evicted me from his home, I went and stayed with an old friend of mine while an apartment I had been approved for (near him) was being worked on for my kids and I to move into. I knew at that point that I wanted to try to repair the relationship, so I wanted to stay on the same side of town. My parents and other friends and family wanted me to move closer to them, and I chose to stay in the area where he is. I literally got swindled into an apartment that was nowhere near ready, and am now fighting to break the lease because my children and I are living in an apartment with black mold, water damage, and more mold. I'm hoping that I can somehow get out of the lease without penalty (due to the health risks associated with the black mold) and move back to the other side of town, where my family and friends are.