Was he a good boyfriend?

[TheMoonBug]

Okay, so I have mainly talking about all the things that went wrong, but I have never mentioned any of the good that my ex did. I'm having one of those nights were I'm feeling guilty about this whole ***** show, because I felt like I could of done more, only to remind myself that the relationship was entirely one-sided.

 

Okay, before we begin, my ex was younger than I was and him and I met online. He was in Florida, I in northern Canada. Our relationship ended a couple months ago, and I'm trying my hardest to get over him. I am the dumper, but in the end of everything I feel like the dumpee. We had so damn much in common, we shared everything and we made sure we were 'somewhat' there for each other.

 

Now, at one point in the relationship my ex went through sort of a huge ego boost, and I was basically treated like I was some really annoying chick. I gave him tons of space, and he was allowed to go out with friends and do whatever he wanted while I was going through some real rough **** with my personal life. I would often tell him my troubles, and I would hint for help, but he was more involved with playing his video games, buying laptops, and staying out late with his friends.

 

Fast forward a bit, and after a week long break, he came around and started saying that he needed to treat me better. He asked what would make me happy, and I said for him to finish school and to find a job. Because I was working at the time, I was saving up as much as I could to come and visit him down south. Only thing was he needed to find work too, because I wanted him to have his own spending money. Out of the two years of dating him he never attempted to find a job, even after me helping him rewrite his resume and giving him advice on how to apply for work. He 'attempted' to finish school, but he never did.

 

Side note: He was a ex-Jehovah's Witness, so he never did get to celebrate birthdays, christmas, etc. For every holiday I sent him something, so he knew how it felt because he was so curious, plus he was so excited for those holidays too. Only... I never got anything in return. Well, I did. My first birthday present took nine months for him to send, and my second birthday present took six. I told him how hurtful it was for him to do it the first time, and that it hurt even more to do it a second time.

 

He did change, attitude wise. He started becoming more open with me, and I with him. He was the sweetest person I've met, very calm, non judgmental, supportive with his words. But I wanted to move forward with the relationship, because it was so stale and I was very unhappy. After reading some stories about long distance relationships on this forum, it seems that everyone worked hard and saved their money so they could see each other. That's all I wanted, was to finally meet him.

 

It was so hard living through skype, never reading someone's body language, never learning their facial expressions. I loved him so much and to me he was gorgeous in his own way, but a few pictures here and there, along with taking time out of my day to skype with him(not out of his day, since he never did anything), was making me so miserable. Whenever he did have money, he spent it on video games or his computer. He bought be a couple games too, but I could never bring myself to play them because I blamed them for ruining our relationship.

 

About four months before our breakup I was overly frustrated, so overwhelmed, so depressed being with him that I one day asked him if there was another person in his life. Naturally he got upset, told me I was never patient enough with him, and that I had no respect for him. Later that same day I found out about a secret that he hid from me. It didn't involve cheating, just plain lying bull****. So I snapped. I said some of the most hurtful things that have ever come out of my mouth, and I regret it to this day.

 

So, he has gone silent. I haven't heard from him in months. No goodbye, no I love you. Just silence. His mother told me that he got a job, about two weeks after me dumping him and that he is learning that he needs to treat his NEXT girlfriend like she is the most important thing in the universe. I'm so hurt by this, and I wish I have never heard such a stupid thing come out of his mother's mouth. This one sentence threw me back thousands of steps, and its taking me forever to get over this now. Because of this one sentence I feel like the biggest, and loneliest piece of **** in the world.

 

He was my first love, and I wanted him to be my last. I was such a reckless person, and all I wanted to do was party and travel the world before I met him. And after meeting him, all I wanted to do was the boring generic things because with him I knew they would of been the best boring generic things in my world. I started teaching myself to cook speacilty foods for him(since he had food allergies), we made plans to do things together and now we will never get to do them. I feel so lost, and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like it was all my fault because I snapped. And now his next girlfriend is going to get the treatment that I wish he would of treated me with.

 

Was it wrong for my patience to wear so thin? Should I have waited longer? Again, I don't know what to do. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Els]

Well, my last breakup was about 6 years ago and I haven't thought about it for ages, but since no one else is answering...

 

Yes, my ex was an 'okay' boyfriend. He never cheated on me, or purposefully hurt me, etc, but we just weren't right for each other. Like yours, he was too engrossed in his video games. He wasn't addicted to them per se, he did well in college, but he did not put me above them the way I would have wanted a partner to, either. He was all about being casual - not in terms of exclusivity, but in terms of commitment. He just wanted a relationship to be about having fun together, not making compromises and thinking about the future. I wanted all of that in one package and I knew I was never going to get it with him.

 

So, I left.

 

I have never regretted it. I doubt you will either.

[Mr Scorpio]

Was it wrong for my patience to wear so thin? Should I have waited longer? Again, I don't know what to do. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

It was wrong of you to sell yourself short and be involved with a child in a man's body. You never should have compromised yourself to be involved with that person. Feel grateful that you didn't end up married to this person.

[BetterEveryDay]

Okay, let's get one thing straight: there's a pretty good chance he's not going to treat his next girlfriend any better. People don't tend to change in this way. It's easy to imagine this will be the case, but try and force yourself to imagine him treating his next girlfriend exactly the way he treated you, because that's likely what will happen.

 

So you never met your ex in person? I used to have an online friend that I chatted with for YEARS, almost every day. We never considered ourselves more than friends, but I truly felt like I was in love with this person. Looking back, I realize I didn't truly know this person to begin with. I knew a lot of stuff ABOUT her, and even knew a fair amount about her personality, but I only knew what she chose to show me. Only when you spend some time with someone in person do you find out who they really are. How did you ex react to a hot girl in a skimpy dress walking down the street? Or when someone got his order wrong at a restaurant? Or during an emotional moment in a crowded movie theater? These are things that can't simply be explained to you, you have to EXPERIENCE them.

 

So was he a good boyfriend? I think you answered your own question. He cared more about his video games than you. He spent all of his money on himself. He didn't take the necessary steps (finishing school, gainful employment) for you to be together and make you happy (even after you TOLD him that it would make you happy). He didn't even buy you a birthday present for ***** sake! Meanwhile, you're sending him presents and even learning to cook things for him? You said it yourself, the relationship was one-sided. Never forget that.

 

In my opinion, you were just someone that made him feel better about himself. He liked the feeling of knowing someone cared about him. But to truly be in a relationship, you have to give what you get. He didn't do this, and it was grossly unfair to you.

 

Should you have waited longer? What were you waiting for in the first place?

 

[TheMoonBug]

It was wrong of you to sell yourself short and be involved with a child in a man's body. You never should have compromised yourself to be involved with that person. Feel grateful that you didn't end up married to this person.

 

I guess you are right. Before I met him, I was a confident young person who took on the world. After being with him I'm a lost little girl with my entire identity gone, and now I'm stuck with searching for it. I'm glad it is over, because in the end I wasn't worth much to him, I was just some 'thing' to fill a void in his life.

 

Also, Time by Pink Floyd is one of the songs that have changed my life. Rock on!

Edited October 2, 2013 by TheMoonBug

[TheMoonBug]

Well, my last breakup was about 6 years ago and I haven't thought about it for ages, but since no one else is answering...

 

Yes, my ex was an 'okay' boyfriend. He never cheated on me, or purposefully hurt me, etc, but we just weren't right for each other. Like yours, he was too engrossed in his video games. He wasn't addicted to them per se, he did well in college, but he did not put me above them the way I would have wanted a partner to, either. He was all about being casual - not in terms of exclusivity, but in terms of commitment. He just wanted a relationship to be about having fun together, not making compromises and thinking about the future. I wanted all of that in one package and I knew I was never going to get it with him.

 

So, I left.

 

I have never regretted it. I doubt you will either.

 

Thank you for sharing your story, it helps knowing that I'm not the only person who felt less valued than video games, haha. I'm just in shock of being alone now, and I mean that I am completely alone. I have just recently moved to a new town for school, and I'm stubbornly in denial about this whole thing still. My whole attitude has changed because of this guy, and its making it difficult for me to make friends.

 

Still, I should be grateful it is over finally. I need to work on myself and better myself for a next potential partner. Thank you for your input.

[TheMoonBug]

Okay, let's get one thing straight: there's a pretty good chance he's not going to treat his next girlfriend any better. People don't tend to change in this way. It's easy to imagine this will be the case, but try and force yourself to imagine him treating his next girlfriend exactly the way he treated you, because that's likely what will happen.

 

So you never met your ex in person? I used to have an online friend that I chatted with for YEARS, almost every day. We never considered ourselves more than friends, but I truly felt like I was in love with this person. Looking back, I realize I didn't truly know this person to begin with. I knew a lot of stuff ABOUT her, and even knew a fair amount about her personality, but I only knew what she chose to show me. Only when you spend some time with someone in person do you find out who they really are. How did you ex react to a hot girl in a skimpy dress walking down the street? Or when someone got his order wrong at a restaurant? Or during an emotional moment in a crowded movie theater? These are things that can't simply be explained to you, you have to EXPERIENCE them.

 

So was he a good boyfriend? I think you answered your own question. He cared more about his video games than you. He spent all of his money on himself. He didn't take the necessary steps (finishing school, gainful employment) for you to be together and make you happy (even after you TOLD him that it would make you happy). He didn't even buy you a birthday present for ***** sake! Meanwhile, you're sending him presents and even learning to cook things for him? You said it yourself, the relationship was one-sided. Never forget that.

 

In my opinion, you were just someone that made him feel better about himself. He liked the feeling of knowing someone cared about him. But to truly be in a relationship, you have to give what you get. He didn't do this, and it was grossly unfair to you.

 

Should you have waited longer? What were you waiting for in the first place?

 

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH! You wouldn't believe how much of a relief it was to hear such a great comment. You are absolutely right about everything you said, and when I think about it, I have no clue what I was waiting for. More than anything I just wanted to finally meet him in person, but at the rate it was going I now know it was never going to happen. I have finally reached a point in my life where I want just flat out commitment for a relationship, and my ex used our distance and his age to his advantage.

 

I still feel extremely awful at what I said to him, and I mean I said a LOT of mean things in just a couple days. It was my fault for doing that, because I was swallowing all my anger and frustration with him until I finally blew up. I already sent him a gift as an apology, and we talked after he received it... Only for him to run away again, because I kept asking him questions about us, and he claimed he was "too scared." u__u Since NC, I only see him as a 10-year-old and he is extremely happy being where he is in his life. I know karma will send him a girlfriend that'll take his money and make him buy diamonds or pearls, and I know one day I'll have a life-long partner where we will share everything and travel the world together.

 

For now though, I am just going to spoil myself for awhile =)