melell Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 So he called me 3 months since the breakup(8 years together I am 26 him 27). NC the whole time bar 3 or 4 texts. I picked up. First thing he did was apologize for not contacting me. Said he had been working non stop and didn't want to make contact until he was in a good head space. Also said he hadn't put credit on his phone for the last month because he didn't want to talk to anyone. Said he thinks of me everyday. That he hasn't been having a great time, and that he knew it wasn't going to be a good time when he left, but that we both needed it to happen. Said he was worried I thought he would be out partying and being with other people. He asked if I had a few things of his (sentimental things from his family). He kept asking me questions about how I was and what I had been doing. It ended with him asking me to go to dinner with him. And he said it has been really really good talking to me. I was very calm and indifferent, but pleasant, throughout the conversation. I said I am busy at the moment with work and uni so can't do dinner, but text me sometime and we can. Tell me your impressions of this? From his point of view what is this about? I wont be entering into a romantic relationship with him again, at anytime (reasons stated in my older posts), but I am interested in the intention of the phone call. Perhaps he misses me?
Tayla Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Pardon that I did not go back to read the reasonings in the break up. Will say this though, contingent on how healed you are and how mature your mindset is in meeting him, I would honestly pass. Its usually around the year mark that one can say they are truly over it from a mental and emotional stand point. Three months NC is a rare amount of time to be set in a new direction and set in having the past be the past. Oddly things are still lingering. If you sincerely think you can re-formulate some rules of friendship ...then slowly do that. Stick with your current direction of moving forward....May you find peace and strength in life and relations.
Author melell Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 He started using drugs/alcohol/medication in the last few months we were together. He was diagnosed with depression, which at times became severe. A few months before he left he became really depressed (always pushed himself to continue with work etc though), he couldn't cope, so instead of working through it he used alcohol and drugs, and it just got worse and worse. Gone from sobriety, to using all day every day 2 months later. I couldn't handle it, told him that, so he left to continue drink/drug.
cif Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 He wants the 'sentimental things' from his family. I wouldn't do dinner, just give him his things. Whether he misses you or not is irrelevant since you don't want to go back.
Author melell Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Thanks Tayla. I had not planned on actually seeing him at all, just made the dinner response as I didn't know what to say. I feel like anything right now would be needless emotional suicide, as I don't want to go back.. I am not prepared to do it. Nevertheless I am curious about what other posters think about his intentions with this. Or if he might be second guessing his choices. I wonder this because quite honestly my self esteem was crushed through the BU process, and I wondered if he would ever show remorse.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Thanks Tayla. I had not planned on actually seeing him at all, just made the dinner response as I didn't know what to say. I feel like anything right now would be needless emotional suicide, as I don't want to go back.. I am not prepared to do it. Nevertheless I am curious about what other posters think about his intentions with this. Or if he might be second guessing his choices. I wonder this because quite honestly my self esteem was crushed through the BU process, and I wondered if he would ever show remorse. If you don't want to get back with him, why do his motivations matter?
Author melell Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 He wants the 'sentimental things' from his family. I wouldn't do dinner, just give him his things. Whether he misses you or not is irrelevant since you don't want to go back. That was what was weird about it. He asked if those things were here, but never actually asked for them back. He thought he had misplaced them. Even though I don't want to go back, I feel as though knowing how he might feel is relevant to my healing, my self worth took a nose dive with the BU, the idea that maybe he does really care is useful for that. I think because of the fact that I don't want anything from him anymore means that his remorse helps me rather than sets me back.
Author melell Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 If you don't want to get back with him, why do his motivations matter? I think that walking away from this and becoming ok with myself has done a lot for my self esteem. But it is a bit clouded by the worthlessness you get left with when you are dumped. It is asthough continuing with my life knowing that the person who I thought had seen no value in me does actually see value in me, would do me good. I know that his opinion doesn't matter, and that I shouldn't base my self worth on the actions of one person. It really isn't about that at all.
cif Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 That was what was weird about it. He asked if those things were here, but never actually asked for them back. He thought he had misplaced them. Even though I don't want to go back, I feel as though knowing how he might feel is relevant to my healing, my self worth took a nose dive with the BU, the idea that maybe he does really care is useful for that. I think because of the fact that I don't want anything from him anymore means that his remorse helps me rather than sets me back. Well there's no way to really know but he did say he thought of you every day. I can't imagine that he doesn't miss you. You spent 8 years together.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I think that walking away from this and becoming ok with myself has done a lot for my self esteem. But it is a bit clouded by the worthlessness you get left with when you are dumped. It is asthough continuing with my life knowing that the person who I thought had seen no value in me does actually see value in me, would do me good. I know that his opinion doesn't matter, and that I shouldn't base my self worth on the actions of one person. It really isn't about that at all. I think it's irrelevant. So what if he misses you if he has no desire to get back with you. Your self-worth comes from you, not from him. Keep moving forward. Plus, trying to analyze what someone else is thinking is a waste of time. If you want to make it an ego boost, then tell yourself it's an ego boost and move forward. But psychoanalyzing it is a waste. 1
Author melell Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 I know what you mean, it is futile. It is hard though, all the advice is really helpful, but I am going to curious about this either way. I wish I could flip a switch and not have what happened effect my sense of self, but I can't. It will take time. I really really would like some thoughts on this phone call. I am not going back to him, but I want some perspectives on this.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I know what you mean, it is futile. It is hard though, all the advice is really helpful, but I am going to curious about this either way. I wish I could flip a switch and not have what happened effect my sense of self, but I can't. It will take time. I really really would like some thoughts on this phone call. I am not going back to him, but I want some perspectives on this. No one knows why he did it though. We aren't him. If it makes you feel better than he might miss you (maybe he does in some way), then tell yourself that. But none of us are mindreaders.
Author melell Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 I wish you all were mind readers. I don't mean that though, I just mean based off what I have said about the conversation what were your initial thoughts.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I wish you all were mind readers. I don't mean that though, I just mean based off what I have said about the conversation what were your initial thoughts. That you should view it in whatever way will best help your healing process and that you've already devoted too much thought to it. 1
Author melell Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Ex phoned me, I answered. 3 months of nc. Asked me to go to dinner with him, said he hadn't stopped missing me, and tried to retrospectively ease the blow of his coldness after the bu. In three months I have really gotten to a point where I miss him, but am comfortable and happy with my life, and I don't feel sad anymore. But this phone call has made me rethink everything. During nc I move on by telling myself that 'he was gone, it is forever, and it really doesn't matter anymore'. So this phone call results in 'he isn't gone, it wasn't forever, and if I want it can matter' I don't feel overwhelming emotions about this, but I feel different. The way he spoke to me was loving and genuine- I lived with this person for 7 years, I am certain of the sincerity. At the same time I know that his feelings could change in a heart beat. I can't tell if this has set me back, or if it is part of the process that happens sooner or later, or if I should re-think all the things that helped me get through the Bu. I need help working this out, because honestly I am not going to stop thinking about it until I do.
Froelich87 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I dunno. I'm currently dealing with the same situation... minus my ex contacting me lol. I guess I would say do what your heart tells you to do... but at the same time...I feel you have come so far in the healing process. What I would give to be 3 months in. :-( Answer mine!
aybc123 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I dont know the history of the relationship or what caused the breakup so giving advice is hard Having been in the situation of your ex i can say it's very possible to breakup with a person during a bad patch and then realise you've made a huge mistake, was distance or other life stresses involved in the breakup? But then it's also possible that he just wants what he cant have and that the same problems that caused the breakup would resurface if you reconciled, there really is no way of telling. Either way, you will both probably feel a lot better about the relationship looking back on it if you can remain amicable with each other, im sure neither of you want to end up hurting the other any more than is necessary so just from that I would be inclined to meet him and see what he has to say.
Author melell Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Thanks both of you. He struggled with (diagnosed) depression at times, he would always work etc, and push through. The last period of this he turned to alcohol and drugs, he seemed like a different person. I made it clear it can't go on that way, so he left. We were both amicable with each other, I mean there was always a lot of forgiveness from the get go. It makes things really hard, the 8 years we were together things were good for the most part, and we really did support each other. It is very hard to look back on it negatively, even now. I can focus on the bad parts sure, but I know that those bad parts don't tell the whole story. In the phone call he mentioned how confused and out of it he was at that time. I can see he is remorseful, and it has really messed with me.
Author melell Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 So ex broke nc, pretty much 3 months nc. Broken up after 8 years together. He found a way to call me, I answered, and listened. He said all of the right things to bring all my feelings flooding back. I even questioned myself seriously. It is hard. I got this far on the thought that 'he is gone for good'. Obviously, this wasn't true, and it has messed with me a lot the last few days. I am so angry about this now. I feel violated some how. I was doing wonderfully, and this really did feel like an unexpected kick in the face. Is this a set back?
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Ex's are so selfish. For a short time after the breakup I would come back to my desk and there would be an email. I would just feel sick. You are doing so well. I would try to keep that mentality that they are not coming back. Dont read too much into it. Keep moving forward. 1
Stealth3 Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Who broke up with who? Seems like they want to come back and if you don't want them then don't...but dont force it.
Stealth3 Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Forcing yourself to not take back your ex if even if the relationship wasnt toxic and no red lines were broken is the dumbest idea in the world. If he cheated on you, **** it, but if its all workable and you still have feelings, why the f not?
Author melell Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 They left me. No cheating, but enough reasons for me to follow my head over my emotions.
cavalier99 Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Yes unfortunaltly it is a setback. I got a nice email from my ex a few month post BU (didnt respond) and it messed me up almost a month. I had been doing quite well before this point. I was also super pissed about it at the time and wrote a ton of emails back (never sent) telling her how selfish her "nice" email was. Now I couldnt give a crap. The good news is you will get over this. Next time just hang up on him. Rock on! Cav 1
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