polger Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I'm 3 months out of a 2 year relationship that was not working for me. I felt I could not leave the relationship because my partner had bad depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues. I stayed around to support her and help her get back on her feet, but she refused help from me, professionals and her family. This relationship was draining, it took the life out of me. Before this relationship began, I was at a point in my life where I was happy and extremely sociable, I had a great group of friends and I had just graduated college. My ex and I started dating and we were infatuated with each other. We had been friends for about a year previous to going out. My ex started getting sick so I moved closer to her and got a job to help her through this time. For about 6 months we were living together and I did everything in my power to help her. Then she gets offered 2 jobs and takes the job that is 1000's of miles away. I had made so many financial commitments moving wasn't really an option and I also felt that her moving away was a slap in the face. Before she moved broke down about losing me and told me how amazing I was, she said that she didn't deserve me and that I was her everything. We did long distance for about a year and it got very tough, I was constantly on call to support her with whatever problem she was having. She then started having doubts about our relationship and didn't know what she wanted, we decided to work on our relationship but to be honest it was very hard since she wasn't willing to fix her own problems. So about 2 months before the relationship ends she starts getting a little more distant, she stops telling me about her problems and has met new people. I find out through her family that she is still having panic attacks, then we start getting close again and we start having a few really enjoyable nights talking to each other. Then she all of a sudden goes missing for a week and calls me and tell me that we need to break up. I accepted what was happening and said ok, I think it is for the best. I asked her if there was somebody else and she said no. 2 months on I'm doing great I feel a huge sigh of relief and am hurt but realise I was not in a healthy relationship for me, I started getting girls numbers and had some dates planned. She then contacts me and tells me about how she has changed and how great her life is, she posts pictures of her and her new boyfriend to me and then tells me that I was amazing to her and that she just had to go for it with him. So just when I'm starting to get back out there she tears me apart. I was so stunned by this that I didn't know what to think. I was hoping for her sake she would take some time alone to fix her problems and become an individual, she defines herself by other people. So this has confirmed 2 things to me, that she is not the right person for me, she is too needy and selfish for me to ever truly be happy, and secondly that I'm still going to care about her for a long time. I'm very angry with her for betraying me, yet I feel sorry for her. She is a truly miserable individual that has very little friends and makes her own problems and suffers because of it. I know that I cannot help and that our relationship and friendship is dead, she is out of my life for good now. My problem is that since finding out about her infidelity I can't stop thinking about her. Getting myself together to concentrate in work has been hard these last 2 weeks. Logically I'm sound, I know this is the best thing that could have ever happened to me as I have time to do what I want to do now, now I can find a person that compliments me rather than a person that consumes my life. Does anybody have any tips for stopping the obsessive thoughts? I'm doing all the right things going out, meeting new people and exercising. I'm waking up thinking about her and I'm having trouble shaking the thought of her when it she pops into my head. What works to take your mind of your ex? When I think about her I come to the same conclusion that she is just not good for me and that I deserve better. The problem is I'm thinking in circles to get there.
melell Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Another poster gave me some great advice. Come up with a positive statement such as 'this is for the best, time will help', and say it to yourself when you start thinking of them. Make sure it isn't something like 'they are a horrible person, I can do better', because that can keep negative emotions going. I promise you a million times over that time will ease this. You just need to keep going. As illogical as it is, these things give us huge blows to our ego's and sense of self, it is just the way it is. BUT over time you will recover, and the thoughts will stop.
Author polger Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Yeah, I have been focusing too much on how disappointed I am in her. I felt like I gave everything and put her before me (which I know is not healthy, but gave her that benefit because she is not well). Even though we were both going through the motions, there was still that unconditional love we had for each other, we were both not completely disengaged. I've been slowly moving over to a more positive attitude like you said. Moving from "I would never do that to another person", "she is so selfish", "I can do better" to "I can be my true self again", "I want to be with somebody I can have a stable relationship with", "now is the time I can improve myself", "I have my own plan now", and "I just turned 27, i'm too young to worry about commitment". I think waking up is the hardest part, I'm just not prepared for it, that will go the more I train myself to think in the moment and not about the past.
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