What would a smart girl do in this situation? Deception, passion and broken promises

[magic_a]

Hi,

I'm new. I registered because I have a huge problem and I was hoping you smart people could help me out. It's always easier when someone neutral looks at your problem.

So, if you're interested, keep reading. I'll tried to keep it as short as possible and still I wanted to give enough details in order to get the best advice.

 

I'm a female, 25 years old. In August 2012 I started seeing a man whom I met on an online dating site. He was 50 years old at the time, but lied to me about his age, saying he was 40. Something did not look quite right, but he is fit, so I did not question the truthfulness of that information. All other info he gave me about him was adjusted to fit in the story about the 40 year old man. He did not lie about being divorced though, that was true. On our second date we went to his place. We did not have sex that time, but were only making out (for hours though). The third time we saw each other we had sex and we continued like that for 4 months. There was only sex and a little caressing and talking afterwards, but that's all. We never did anything else together and the sex would happen also only once a week. This was very frustrating as I fell in love with this man. I could not believe I was being treated like this and I guess I was desperately hoping he would change his behavior towards me.

He was never rude to me or anything, but still, I felt as if he did not respect me. That was very true. He never called me, only texted in the morning and in the evening. He never took me out on a date or invited me to have a dinner at his place. All we ever did was have sex and cuddle and talk afterwards. A month after we started seeing each other I went back to the dating site where we met. I found he still had a profile there and was visiting the site once a week. It was especially painful to see he would go to the site the day after we were together. I was devastated. One day I decided to confront him about it. He did not deny he was there, but said it was only for a joke and that he had no intention of meeting anyone off the site. He apologized for that and immediately deactivated the profile. It was very had for me to calm down, but after a week or so I decided to continue with him. He did not go back to the site until I broke it off with him. I presume he's been using other sites while we were still seeing each other, but I didn't have any real proof for that.

 

Anyhow, as I felt so bad and so unrespected, I broke it off with this man in January 2013. I did it through text message, just like he would do it to me. He wrote back that he was very sorry, but he respected my decision. So typical for him. So cold.

After all you've read so far, you must be wondering: was there anything good in this relationship? Yes, there was. The love-making was the best I had in my life. Seriously. This was PASSION.

 

Ok, so it was very hard for me to stop thinking of him and to move on, but I was strong and didn't look back. Anyhow, I did not move on in a right way. I went back to the dating site. I didn't have any intention of meeting someone new or finding a rebound, but eventually I did. I was contacted by a very handsome 43 year-old man. We exchanged messages for about a month and neither of us seemed very interested. He wanted to meet and I wasn't ready. We eventually met, in late February. I can't say it was love at first sight, but things went well. For a change, this man was respectful.

 

He cared enough to call me instead of texting. He cared enough to spend time with me, to take me to dates, to enquire about my life. It wasn't very hard to forget about the man from the beginning with this new man. We spent over a month dating without having sex. I felt respected by this man and it was a great feeling. Soon enough we were talking about moving in together and even about getting married. We became inseparable. The heaven lasted for 3 months. The problems begun when we started to enquire about each other's romantic past. He became very jealous of all my ex boyfriends, especially of the most recent one.

 

This is the point where the honesty ended and the lies begun. I lied to him about my most recent relationship and beautified things in order to make it look like an actual relationship. The other past relationships don't matter. He did the same thing. He lied to me about the number of relationships/sex partners he had. I became very jealous of his past relationships as well. I wanted to be sure I was the only one he ever loved. How childish, huh? Soon enough these talks of the past became our daily routine. We would remind ourselves of the past every day and the jealousy and frustration would grow bigger with each day. This affected our sex life as well. I lost interest in sex and naturally he felt rejected. The problems just multiplied.

 

Then, out of the blue, the ex from the beginning of the story texted me. He saw me on the street from his car. He gave me a few compliments. It was enough for me to text him back. I needed to feed my ego. I was glad he contacted me. I saw it as an exit from the unhappiness in my current relationship. I wanted the fantasy to make it all easier for me. Anyhow, the ex and I met for coffee. Nothing happened, I was very formal with him and let him know I was in a relationship and that I had no intention of cheating on my partner. I really meant it. After we had a surprisingly pleasant talk, we both wen't our separate ways and didn't see each other again. He kept texting however. He wrote me about his sexual fantasies with me and he even wrote to me that he loved me, all in hope to get me back into his bed. That is very clear to me. I would like to thing and believe it is true, but I know just what it is about.

I confessed to him that I was very satisfied with the sex we had, but kept telling him I had no intention of cheating on my partner. I was strong enough to resist the temptation.

 

Finally, a few days ago, he texted me again. I did not expect the message and left the phone on the table. My boyfriend, visibly frustrated by our sex life for months, saw the text. The hell broke loose. He demanded that I reply to him and offend him. He demanded that I write to him he had a small penis and that sex with him was a disaster. I did not want to do it, obviously. Somehow, he calmed down. In the evening of the same day we had dinner and he started drinking wine. He drunk 3 bottles, if not more, in less than 30 minutes. The following hour was like hell. He took my phone and called the ex yelling him he would kill him. I wrestled with him trying to reclaim the phone. He twisted my arm and pushed me to bed several times. He kept yelling so that the whole neighbourhood could hear him. He offended all people who are from the same country as my ex. He offended me and yelled he didn't care if we break up. Finally, he fell on the floor, vomited all over the floor and fell asleep. I was by his side all night, cleaning and looking after him. That was it for me in the morning. I decided to leave him. He begged me to stay saying he didn't remember what the did or said while he was drunk. My decision was final. I could not keep deceiving him by receiving the texts from the ex and feeling pleasure for it. I would not cheat, that's for sure, but it's still deception. And I could not keep sleeping with him as a chore, without any pleasure.

 

After the fight, the ex called to check if I was ok. I apologized to him for the mess. He suggested we meet for coffee sometimes now that I'm single again. I agreed. The truth is that I'm still desperately in love with this 50 year old sweet-talking liar. He said he was sorry my relationship was ruined and that I was not alone as I could always count on him as a friend and a lover (if I want).

The reason is telling me that he only wants to get me into his bed again, and of course that is true, it's very obvious, even to a love-blinded fool like myself. On the other side, my heart wants to be with him again, let him walk all over my pride and hope he would fall in love with me.

 

I was thinking and decided it would be best to do the following: break all contact with him and tell him not to look for me again. On the other hand I'm tempted to try this friends with benefits relationship he is offering me. I know I would suffer, but I'm tempted.

 

Now, tell me, what would you do in my place? What is the best solution to this problem? How do I set myself free from this hell? You can be harsh, I don't mind, I guess I deserved it.

[Brown-Eyez]

You see your sad situation very very CLEARLY

 

You know EXACTLY what you HAVE to do

 

RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!

 

this is the only way to PROTECT YOUR HEART!!

 

btw there are no FWB option here (that's what you were before with this guy)

 

once you get out of this mess with both of them

take alittle time for yourself (6 mos?) to heal from theses disasters called men

[magic_a]

Thanks for your reply, Brown-Eyez. Your opinion is greatly appreciated.

To be honest, this is the kind of advice I expected. It's the best thing to do.

[Brown-Eyez]

yes, we often know with our heads what our heart hates to admit!

 

but you're smart and can do this!

 

and once you're free of these idiots you will then be open to someone who can truly cherish you and (here's the best part) be a great lover too!

 

no need to compromise, he-he

 

hang in there and keep posting!

[mikei880]

Several other thoughts.... you are 25, these sad excuses for men are 40 plus. Why do you find yourself going for that? IMHO you should be looking for your age to 30 max. You may need to find a therapist to get figured out why you are allowing these things to happen to yourself and why the age disparity. Do your best to get these knuckleheads to fade out of your life and remember not all guys are this way. Good luck.

[NoMoreJerks]

I didn't read the entire thing , but , date someone your own age? Closer to your own age anyway. Many of the older men who troll online dating sites (or bars or whatever) for younger women, are just looking for an ego stroke and have problems galore and don't want/can't have commitment. Avoid, run away as fast as you can.

[HokeyReligions]

Charge for your services? Extra for cleaning up vomit.

 

I mean you sound like you have no self respect and will fall in love with and in bed with anyone who pays you attention. Especially a daddy figure. At least if you charge for it you'll have something.

 

Or as someone else suggested get therapy.