Confused about Current Situation

[russellfitch1980]

Let me start off by saying that I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year now. I'm 24 and she is 21. For the first few months we were stuck in honeymoon phase like most couples are. We grew out of that phase about 5 or 6 months into it and realized we both had to settle back into our normal routines (School, work, alone time as well) We both love each other very much and tell each other all the time.

 

For the last few months, maybe 2 months or so I have been feeling like I have been the one who has been trying the hardest to hang out with her and initiating things. We just had our one year and we both got each other gifts and had a nice get away to north carolina for the weekend to enjoy each other's company and get away from everyone else. She tells me all the time how happy I make her, but sometimes I feel like she is just saying that. I never know whats on her mind anymore and that kills me. I feel like she might not be happy, or like it used to be.

 

We have had 2 arguments during the time we have been together, and they both were related to this guy who goes to our college campus. She has a lot of friends, and a lot of them seem to be male friends. She never hangs out with them, just talks to them on Facebook, text, whatever. She knows my boundaries for hanging out with friends of the opposite sex, and we both seem to share a similar understanding. If we were to hang out with members of the opposite sex, it would be at a convenient location to grab food, coffee, or whatever. Unless you knew the person since childhood then going over to their house, and hanging out with them at night is fine.

 

She has been wanting to hang out with this guy for quite awhile and she told me that she never did because she knew that I was jealous of him and that I didn't like him. My problem was that she wants to go over to his house and watch a tv show...like a marathon at night and she has never even hung out with him before unless it was at school doing work and stuff. She tells me that she is with me because she loves my personality the most out of everyone and she loves me and wants to be with me.

 

When I see them together she has a different look on her face, she doesn't acknowledge me like she used to and she seems to have more fun with him than with me. I told her that and she said that was ridiculous and that I was over reacting. She did seem a little bit defensive. Our sex is still good, slowly decreasing but that seems normal in relationships. I just want to know what everyone thinks. Is she interested in this guy? Or am I just over reacting? Thanks.

Edited October 1, 2013 by russellfitch1980

[Eivuwan]

I don't think you're overreacting. Why is it so important for her to risk your relationship just to watch some show. Makes no sense. It's not like you're not letting her have male friends in general.

[tlegend]

Well, I have a severely jaded view. Please take what I saw with a grain of salt.

 

You've begun the process of losing her. I am a firm believer that attraction is a fleeting emotion, one that reappear when you least expect it.

 

You have caught onto her being attracted to someone else, and it really bothers you. I know that feeling, as probably many men do, albeit I am willing to bet hardly any of them would admit it.

 

You want your relationship to work out with her? In my opinion, you have reached a fork in your road. You can try to win her attention and affection back (which is ultimately what you did when you first grabbed her attention a year ago), or you can admit defeat and roll over/play dead while this other guy comes in and swoops your girl off your feet.

 

What, you didn't realize that once you had someone's attraction, you have to work to keep it?

 

Welcome to the real world. Sorry its a bumpy ride.

[deathandtaxes]

The balance of power has shifted. You are now putting all the energy and effort into things and she not doing a damn thing. You can dump her, you can pull back. Or you can discuss how you feel with her.

 

The talking to guys all the time on social media etc is a huge red flag. going over to watch TV at some duders house = gonna **** all night long! Why don't you ask to go with her and see how she answers?

[russellfitch1980]

I appreciate the feedback from the both of you. I do things for her all the time. Surprise her with things, send her flowers, tell her how beautiful she is when she will least expect it. Then she will tell me that she loves me and stuff like that. This male friend does have a girlfriend and he has been dating her for about 4 months now. Just after our one year anniversary she told me how happy I make her and how she couldn't imagine ever losing me. Then the next day its like a total different personality.

 

She just told me two days ago how she can't wait to spend more anniversaries with me....then today she is in class and is basically ignoring my texts while she is with him. Not to mention they grabbed lunch for the 30 minute break and she dodged my texts too. It's just really confusing to me. I feel that when she is with him she doesn't think of me...then when she is away from him or still with him and sees me she will text me or tell me she loves me off the side. Its like back and forth.

 

She also tells me how I have nothing to worry about because she would never hurt me...and that he has a girlfriend...and surprisingly I don't know how she found this out but him and his girlfriend don't have sex because it is against their religion so he would never make a move on her....why would she tell me that. That just makes me concerned right? I feel that I am the one now to do the nice things, initiate the nice long texts, and surprise her with things. She rarely ever does the same.

[deathandtaxes]

Don't believe a word you hear about the other guy and his girlfriend. Your gf is going to lunch with another guy and ignoring you? Sorry to say it - your gf has checked out. She's most likely having an emotional affair. This 'tv watching' would be the chance to make it physical, if it hasn't gone there already. Sorry dude, but actions scream louder than words. She says she's all happy and wants more anniversaries but she acts like she's single when it concerns that guy. That's why you're confused. Her words don't comport with your reality.

[happywithlife]

I feel that friends of the opposite sex should be mutual friends of both people when you are in a relationship so there is nothing to hide. I have a good male friend (I am also good friends with his wife). If I ever do anything with them as a couple or just with my male friend, I ask my boyfriend to join. Even if he cannot join us, there is no jealousy because I include my boyfriend in the friendship. I would also never do a movie night. Ask to be included, not b/c you are jealous bit b/c you would like to get to know this person as a friend. If your girlfriend says no = big red flag!

[russellfitch1980]

Thats what I was initially thinking too, but then she said how she just wants to get to know him better because he is so different than her. She enjoys talking to him because they get in these huge debate or argument things and it sets her off but then she tells me how she just wants to see what he will say next. I really don't think that she would cheat on me...its not in her nature. I'm just afraid that she is between two things. One telling me that I was right and she is emotionally involved with this other guy, and two she feels stuck with me because she doesn't want to hurt me so she feeds off of the attention from other male friends.

 

I will admit there have been a few times where I snooped in her texts (I know that is wrong) and I saw a few messages from him that were a little flirty. But she didn't respond back with anything. And if she did it was minimal and didn't flirt back whatsoever. The problem with me is that she likes the attention and allows it to happen. She doesn't know that I know and if I told her it would make her mad. I guess I just feel stuck now as well and don't know how to bring it up to her again without her getting mad at me for bringing up old history.

[russellfitch1980]

I also will admit there were times where she said why do you need to get to know my friends? She has invited me out but not with him. She actually considered double dating with him and his girlfriend but she always says that it might be weird because she has never met his girlfriend and she doesn't want things to be awkward. There have been opportunities where we all could have hung out but she told me that she didn't want to make him uncomfortable because it would make him feel like a third wheel. I just don't know anymore and now I'm starting to doubt the relationship, but I would do anything for her and she tells me the same. I just want to keep her happy and not think she is emotionally involved with another guy.

[Eivuwan]

Forget what she tells you. Actions mean more than words. It just doesn't seem as though she is that devoted to you.

[devilish innocent]

I think your insecurities may be getting the best of you. I don't see anything you mentioned which sounds at all definitive about him being more than a friend to her. The company of a new friend a person has just made tends to be pretty enjoyable. That seems to be what she's experiencing right now. That doesn't mean the person has a physical or romantic attraction toward that friend. It's usually just plutonic.

 

Hanging out at his house to watch a tv show marathon also doesn't seem wrong to me. That's very much a friendship type of activity and not a date activity.

 

I just went through something similar with my husband this past week-end. One of his female friends said some things to him that are things I wouldn't have said to a straight male friend. What she said wasn't cheating of any form, but it's something I feel can sometimes lead to developing further feelings, so I would not have shared that in her place. Since it's not what I would have done, I felt somewhat betrayed. I let it get me really down for an entire day. By the end of the day, though, I was able to talk my husband about it, see the other side of things, and let it go. I'm sure if I wanted to I could talk myself back into feeling upset about it. But nothing actually happened. It would be completely pointless of me to let it get me down. So for my own sake, I have been making sure to keep a positive perspective about it.

 

I do think it would be good for you to ask to go on a double date with him and his girlfriend. You're feeling uncomfortable now, and you're her boyfriend. So you really shouldn't be afraid to ask her to do something which would help you to feel better.

 

It's also good to talk to your girlfriend about how you are feeling about the relationship in general. Don't be afraid to ask for the things you want or need. She has no way to know what you want unless you say something.

 

When you talk about all these things, it would work best if you try to sound as though you are not against her. Don't accuse of her doing anything wrong. That can put her on the defensive. Instead, talk about your own feelings. Just say that you have been feeling insecure and ask if she is willing to help you out with that. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Try to find common ground to solve the problem together.

 

Meanwhile, it is good for you to try to see things positively. Remember, you are still her boyfriend. If she didn't want that, she wouldn't be with you.

 

Good luck with everything!

[deathandtaxes]

I also will admit there were times where she said why do you need to get to know my friends? She has invited me out but not with him. She actually considered double dating with him and his girlfriend but she always says that it might be weird because she has never met his girlfriend and she doesn't want things to be awkward. There have been opportunities where we all could have hung out but she told me that she didn't want to make him uncomfortable because it would make him feel like a third wheel. I just don't know anymore and now I'm starting to doubt the relationship, but I would do anything for her and she tells me the same. I just want to keep her happy and not think she is emotionally involved with another guy.

 

BIG RED FLAGS!! Won't invite you out with him? Won't have you meet up with him and his gf? Dude!!!!

 

And you don't need a movie night to know somebody better. That's the biggest bunch of ****ing horse**** I have ever heard.

[tlegend]

I think your insecurities may be getting the best of you. I don't see anything you mentioned which sounds at all definitive about him being more than a friend to her. The company of a new friend a person has just made tends to be pretty enjoyable. That seems to be what she's experiencing right now. That doesn't mean the person has a physical or romantic attraction toward that friend. It's usually just plutonic.

 

Hanging out at his house to watch a tv show marathon also doesn't seem wrong to me. That's very much a friendship type of activity and not a date activity.

 

I just went through something similar with my husband this past week-end. One of his female friends said some things to him that are things I wouldn't have said to a straight male friend. What she said wasn't cheating of any form, but it's something I feel can sometimes lead to developing further feelings, so I would not have shared that in her place. Since it's not what I would have done, I felt somewhat betrayed. I let it get me really down for an entire day. By the end of the day, though, I was able to talk my husband about it, see the other side of things, and let it go. I'm sure if I wanted to I could talk myself back into feeling upset about it. But nothing actually happened. It would be completely pointless of me to let it get me down. So for my own sake, I have been making sure to keep a positive perspective about it.

 

I do think it would be good for you to ask to go on a double date with him and his girlfriend. You're feeling uncomfortable now, and you're her boyfriend. So you really shouldn't be afraid to ask her to do something which would help you to feel better.

 

It's also good to talk to your girlfriend about how you are feeling about the relationship in general. Don't be afraid to ask for the things you want or need. She has no way to know what you want unless you say something.

 

When you talk about all these things, it would work best if you try to sound as though you are not against her. Don't accuse of her doing anything wrong. That can put her on the defensive. Instead, talk about your own feelings. Just say that you have been feeling insecure and ask if she is willing to help you out with that. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Try to find common ground to solve the problem together.

 

Meanwhile, it is good for you to try to see things positively. Remember, you are still her boyfriend. If she didn't want that, she wouldn't be with you.

 

Good luck with everything!

 

I would concur that we are only hearing 1 perspective of this story and trying to give advice based on that sole perspective.

 

This is a very good example of playing devil's advocate.

 

However, in my experience, putting you on the backburner because of a new friendship and not realizing that versus putting you on the backburner and KNOWING that this friendship has made you uncomfortable because of her behavior with this new friendship is something completely different.

 

Again, I am jaded, so I naturally assume that if it smells like chicken, tastes like chicken, and even looks like chicken.....then it's probably chicken.