Lost over an Ex

[JSlost]

Short version

 

So I am not one for usually posting on the Internet for advice and had to edit this a few times to shorten it up but her it goes

 

 

I dated this girl for 10 months, she got pregnant 3 months in and she ended up having a miscarriage while we were on a date in New York. Before that I was indifferent about a child but ended up crying and I was sticking it out regardless of what she chose to do.. She had been recently involved with a rebound from her marriage before that. Her husband left her because he said he wanted someone prettier and wanted to be single again. I had just stopped dating a girl that without any explanation just didn’t want it anymore despite the fact she thought we were good together. Things started out a little rocky when we found out she was pregnant I had a few doubts about the relationship as I thought I bounced into it too early and wasn’t ready yet. We talked numerous times and I wanted things to work so we moved past it. I invited her to a ball and we had a great time up until she got drunk and was using derogatory words towards other races in public. She was extremely sorry and disappointed in herself and we moved past it.

 

In the upcoming months I went to Japan and when I came back we were all over each other, we both missed each other extremely. However something continued to bother me, shortly after I got back I told her she should have a ladies night with her friends as she didn’t have many hobbies other than tailgating, watching baseball, and playing on a iDevice. Before we met she was always at the bar. No real hobbies. This bothered me a little but I looked past as one of those flaws you like because she enjoyed doing what I liked but I wanted her to enjoy time with her friends as well. She went out and got drunk and was acting foolish and inappropriate infront of her friend and my friend when she came to my house later, we ended up getting into an argument over weather or not I cared about her, again a few months later we got in another argument where I was drunk as well where she said I didn’t care about her and she manipulated me into telling her I love her. I told her if it happened again we were done. Sure enough while with some friends at the beach we both had a lot to drink, and she started crying again saying I didn’t care about her and why didn’t I love her and she couldn’t even find the door knob on the door to the room to go use the bathroom. While like this she would refuse to wait till morning to talk, refuse to leave my house in the first case (I had to leave my own house so she would leave) and I would have to say suppress my anger and pretend to tell her I cared about her to calm her down so we could go to sleep and talk in the morning. At this point I would tell her I would call her when I was ready to talk (usually 2 days as I needed to calm down and think.) She said she would stop drinking, I had told her she doesn’t need to stop, just needs to learn to control her limits, like 2 glasses of wine with dinner or something.

Near the end I had asked my friends and family what they thought of her. My sister said she was fun but not the right person, my mother said the same thing, one friend liked her, another said she didn’t have much to offer, and then probably one of my closest friends who is not my sisters husband but I have known much longer than her says she was into me more than I was into her.

 

Now with 1month NC though I find myself thinking about her all the time, we did so many things together or had plans to do things, its hard to find something that doesn’t remind me of her in some way. I miss her and have thought of calling or texting her to see if we can make things work; as I know she wanted to. But then I look at the bad parts and remember the gut feeling I had that said something wasn’t right and I get put in a cross road and am torn. She spends all her time at the bar now according to my friends who have seen her. I feel as though im going through hell though, I try and stay busy, most my friends are in relationships though and I am not into the bar scene so find myself at home left to my thoughts a lot of the time.

I just need some advice if I should let her go and what I can do to get by

[Mr Scorpio]

She had been recently involved with a rebound from her marriage before that. Her husband left her because he said he wanted someone prettier and wanted to be single again. I had just stopped dating a girl that without any explanation just didn’t want it anymore despite the fact she thought we were good together. I just need some advice if I should let her go and what I can do to get by.

 

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Breakups are bad enough as is without feeling conflicted about what to do. Fortunately, there is a lot that you will be able to do to ease your pain. Spend time with friends and family. Exercise. Watch some October baseball. Listen to a lot of music to keep your mind occupied. Exercise. Binge-watch Breaking Bad. Learn a new recipe or two. Exercise.

 

And above all, learn from the experience. It sounds like your instinct was telling you that this girl (and I use the term deliberately) was no good. You were both in rough shape emotionally when you got together. Her specially. Those were red-flags galore my man. This girl sounds immature, destructive, and destined for a life of broken relationships. Run.

[JSlost]

The problem I am having is despite all this bad stuff, no matter how busy I make myself, or try to, I think of the good things she did which was a larger majority of the time when we weren't having problems and we got along great. I keep processing in my head if we could have something to get rid of those bad times, and if I could forgive her for the really bad ones.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Couple things:

 

1.) You have blinders on and you're putting her on a pedestal.

 

2.) She has issues that is preventing you both from having a healthy productive relationship with each other. Her problem is not the drinking..that's just a symptom. There are deeper emotional issues that she will need to address before she can have a successful relationship with anyone.

 

The way things are now...she will only bring you down.

 

Let her go and focus on yourself.

[JSlost]

Thank you for your replies Mr Scorpio and seeking, I do believe you are right about her having some issues, I have always believed her to be very insecure which the two of us have talked about and she admits, I guess I was just hoping that she would get over it and the optimistic side of me wants to believe she will change. And you are right I do think I have her on a pedestal and have blinders (most likely because Im in the lonely stage right now) which I know a lengthy amount of NC will start to take care of. Have always been a caring guy and don't like quitting (at anything in life) or failing so it keeps me thinking about possible ways to fix things.

 

Thanks for reading and the advice

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I am that way too. I'm not a quitter and I am a big believer in trying everything possible to fix or make something better. However, the saying: " It takes two to make a relationship work" couldn't be any truer. The problem with my previous relationship was that I was willing to work on myself and the relationship and he was not. My ex had a huge ego, communication and anger issues but he didn't think he had a problem. Our fights were almost always my fault and he could not see that he was an equal contributor.

 

Now, how can a relationship like this work? It can't. My ex cannot even see that he has issues and your ex doesn't seem to be actively working on hers. They must acknowledge and want to change. We can't do it for them.

 

Hopefully, for their sake, they will figure it out one day...but we will most likely have moved on to greener pastures by then and won't give a damn anymore.

[JSlost]

Well I would lie if I said I dont have problems like it sounds your ex does as well. Communication is something I do have a problem with which she made well aware to me, and I would close myself off and put up a wall.

 

Most our arguments were related to the fact that she would become embarrassing when she drank, or she was constantly verbally asking for hugs, kisses and to cuddle all the time which just wiped the special feeling you get from doing those things away from me. But despite me telling her all these things they would go away for a week or two then come back. Which when left to my own elements to do it, I did it frequently and I felt our relationship got stronger, then she would turn around and do it again.

 

so not sure if they were legitimately her fault or I spun it to be her fault like your ex did but I don't think I did. I think there were only few times she actually got mad at me and it was over small little things not like a drunken outburst or anything.

 

That is the part I need to start to get through my head, that I cant fix insecurity, or problems like that, that's all about and individual bettering themselves.