Shosh Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Hi there, does anybody else have the problem of not being able to walk away from a relationship even though you are not happy? Here is my current sitch: Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. We started slow with only seeing each other once a week and only communicating every 2 days or so, which I thought was healthy and grownup as things that burn brightly from the start often burn out quickly as well. Well, I guess I assumed that we would eventually see each other more often and get closer, but unfortunately he does not feel that way. He is happy with us just seeing each other on the weekends and then mostly just Saturday night until Sunday noon with a sleepover in between. I am not happy because I don't feel connected to him and it hurts me that he obviously does not feel the desire to see me more than once a week/4 times a month. I've talked about this with him a few times already and he usually says something like we are just different and he needs more space than others, but we never really come to a solution. He will promise to try and see me more, but then after a week it is back to normal or even less. Things came to a head last weekend when he told me he would not be able to see me this weekend (3 days ago) because he was going out with his friends Saturday night. I said that was cool, but what about the rest of the weekend? Could we get together Friday night or Saturday/Sunday during the day? He gave reasons why that would not work, so I asked him if we should meet for dinner during the week then. He half-heartedly agreed, but then when the day came I did not hear from him and when I contacted him to ask about it, he just replied saying that he was probably going to the gym instead. That really hurt me and since then I have pulled back. Not initiated contact anymore and also have not asked him to meet up again. I have not seen him in 10 days and since then he has texted me once every 2 days or so, but not asking me to hang out, but just making idle chit-chat instead. He does not even seem to care or notice that we are barely communicating anymore or have any plans to meet up again. I feel in my gut that he is waiting for me to bring it up, but I could be wrong. Now my head tells me to walk away and just let this go as we are not compatible and it is obviously not working, but for some reason I have not mustered up the courage yet to actually break up with him. I guess part of me still hopes that he will suddenly step up to the plate, apologize for ignoring/neglecting me and promising to change. Which I realize is not going to happen. Reading it all spelled out like this makes me feel pathetic and weak. Any words of advice?
Author Shosh Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Hi keira, thanks for your reply! You are right, he is very introverted and other than seeing me he does not really socialize much. The night out with his friends was a rare outing (maybe once a month). Usually he just spends his free time at home watching TV. Which hurts, because I'd understand if he can't see me often because he has all these cool things going on, but he'd rather stay in and watch TV than spend time with me! So you agree that I should end it? Problem is I really like him and do believe that he is a good guy and could be a really good boyfriend. It is like I see the potential Right There, but just can't get it out of him.
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) Could be many reasons. Age, for one (I dunno your ages). 4 months isn't THAT long, but by your own account you say you sleep over once a week or so, plus spend a day on the weekends, so really, that's more like 3 days a week total (unless I misunderstood that). At 4 months that seems like a decent amount of time to spend together. Before breaking it off, I'd simply straight up ask him what he's looking for out of this because you are looking for a serious relationship and not something casual, and that it currently feels casual to you. See what he says. And it's always difficult to break it off because you like him but there are other factors that cause you to question it. It doesn't mean you don't like him, but you feel your not compatible relationship wise. It's almost like losing a friend. Edit: I didn't read your whole post but did now. He hasn't seen you in 10 days? Jesus 10 days for me at 4 months with my ex was like torture (when she went away on vacation). Edited October 1, 2013 by crederer
Author Shosh Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Could be many reasons. Age, for one (I dunno your ages). 4 months isn't THAT long, but by your own account you say you sleep over once a week or so, plus spend a day on the weekends, so really, that's more like 3 days a week total (unless I misunderstood that). Hi crederer, thanks for your reply. We are both in our 30ies, and unfortunately we don't see each other 3 days a week, but one. The only time we spent together is usually Saturday evening till Sunday noon. I tried to get him to meet me earlier, but he goes to the gym on Saturdays and does all his chores on that day, and he wants to leave Sunday around noon because he wants to 'decompose' after spending 'so much time together'. He usually gets all withdrawn and distant an hour or so before he leaves which he explains as him needing his alone-time. I've talked to him at least 3 times already about this issue, he always assures me that he wants to be with me and he DOES want to be my boyfriend, not just a guy I am dating, but he needs a lot of space and alone-time and he is just not the type to 'bury me in texts and phonecalls'. When we talk about it, it always makes sense to me and I understand where he is coming from, and I guess I start feeling like I am super-needy and clingy and want more than is normal, but when I don't see him or hear from him I am disappointed and sad. I don't expect him to see me 7 days a week, but at least twice a week would be nice. And I especially want to feel like he enjoys seeing me, right now I usually feel like he sees it as an obligation. I asked him why he even wants to be with me if he does not enjoy spending time with me, but his reply is always something along the lines of 'I do enjoy spending time with you, I just need my alone-time as well'. I absolutely see where he is coming from, but I also know that I NEED more than that. Aargh, why can't things just be easy and effortless?
clia Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Hi crederer, thanks for your reply. We are both in our 30ies, and unfortunately we don't see each other 3 days a week, but one. The only time we spent together is usually Saturday evening till Sunday noon. This is two days a week. Saturday evening through Sunday until noon. You see him two days out of seven. I tried to get him to meet me earlier, but he goes to the gym on Saturdays and does all his chores on that day, and he wants to leave Sunday around noon because he wants to 'decompose' after spending 'so much time together'. He usually gets all withdrawn and distant an hour or so before he leaves which he explains as him needing his alone-time. I'm an introvert so I totally understand the need to get away after so much together time. I can assure you that it's nothing against you. It also makes plenty of sense to me that he has chores and gym to do on Saturday prior to the evening. However, I don't think you are being particularly needy for wanting to see a bit more of him at this point. How far apart do you live? I think he should be making the effort to see you one weekday evening (if logistically possible), in addition to your Saturday and Sunday. It doesn't have to be a sleepover; maybe you just meet up and have dinner on Wednesday or Thursday each week, or watch a movie or something. Would he agree to that? That then gets you to seeing him 3 days a week, which I personally think is fine at this point in your relationship. He should be able to manage seeing you 3 days a week if it is broken up like that. I can tell you that he might get better about this. With me, it usually takes some adjustment time to get used to having a new boyfriend around. As a single introvert, you do get used to having a lot of alone time and if you like your alone time, letting go of that and accepting that you need to change your schedule can be difficult. However, as he gets closer to you and as time goes by, he may feel more comfortable spending more time with you, and may be able to do some decompressing with you around. What concerns me for you is that he seems really inflexible about it. Like, since he couldn't see you Saturday/Sunday, he doesn't see you for ten days? That would not fly with me. I don't blame you at all for being upset. I can understand him making plans with his friends on Saturday occasionally but I would expect him to have figured out an alternative.day or days to see you, either during the week or on Friday. It's not a good sign that at this point in your relationship he's fine with going ten days without seeing you, introvert or not.
eotdevice Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Shosh, It doesn't sound like he is giving you what you want. If that is the case, move on. Don't stick around hoping he will change to fit your need for more time, he won't. If you are truly looking for someone to share your life with (as we all are) this isn't, "The one."
hppr Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Not sure what you are expecting. Figure that you work 5-6 days a week, one sleepover and then spend a Saturday or Sunday together sounds about right. People who live together barely get that much time with one another. Is it that you want him to go out, be really social, meet all your friends like 2-3 nights a week?
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Well.....do you have sex with him every saturday night? If so, i'm sorry to say, sounds like he keeps you around for sex. Everyone needs their alone time but it seems like he needs a heck of a lot. You basically spend 2 days a week with him. Which isn't horrible but I'd personally want more than that as well given how long you've been dating. 1
Author Shosh Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 This is two days a week. Saturday evening through Sunday until noon. You see him two days out of seven. HI Clia, thanks a lot for your reply. It is good to read your point of view. I guess technically I see him on two days of the week, but we usually only meet around 8:00 pm Saturday night and he leaves an hour or two after we wake up on Sunday, it does not feel like I am spending a lot of time with him. I agree that his needing a lot of alone-time does not necessarily mean that he does not care about me, which makes it so difficult for me to actually cut it off. But I think at the end of the day we are just not compatible. Though I have to say that you saying that he might change over time is another reason why I keep hanging on, hoping that he might make more room for me in his life if we have been together for longer. But I don't know how much longer I can wait without feeling too miserable, ignored and hurt.
Author Shosh Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Not sure what you are expecting. Figure that you work 5-6 days a week, one sleepover and then spend a Saturday or Sunday together sounds about right. People who live together barely get that much time with one another. Is it that you want him to go out, be really social, meet all your friends like 2-3 nights a week? I expect to see him more than once a week. Not sure if my original post has been unclear, but I only see him once a week, not Saturday/Sunday plus one sleepover. But only one sleepover which happens to be on Saturday night. I don't need him to go out with me, which I keep telling him, I just want us to spend time together. We can watch a movie, have dinner, read a book, etc. I don't care, I just want to see him more than one night a week.
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Yeah, that's completely understandable. Doesn't sound like he's looking for a serious relationship at all, he might tell you he is, but his actions say otherwise.
Author Shosh Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Wow, I just called him asking him if we should talk, and he was like "Sure, what about?" He did not even realize that there is a problem. So I told him we should end this, it is obviously not going to work. Feeling kind of in shock now, but also a bit relieved. Can't believe I wasted that much time in a dead-end relationship. I just hope he won't get mean now and send me hurtful messages.
deathandtaxes Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Wow, I just called him asking him if we should talk, and he was like "Sure, what about?" He did not even realize that there is a problem. So I told him we should end this, it is obviously not going to work. Feeling kind of in shock now, but also a bit relieved. Can't believe I wasted that much time in a dead-end relationship. I just hope he won't get mean now and send me hurtful messages. Good job on being assertive and taking the reins! The certainty of it all is definitely a relief. I had a similar situation with an ex-gf recently. She pulled back and I wanted to spend more time with her. It ate me up inside. And when she ended it, I at least felt better about the certainty. I'll get over her, but I do feel better. Own your decision!! 1
KatZee Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 It doesn't even sound like he put up much of a fight about you leaving him. I think he was so cowardly that he essentially forced you to be the dumper. Him being so distant shows he was withdrawn for a while but just too scared to end it. I get that people enjoy alone time but seeing you one a week after 4 months is pretty ridiculous. 1
sickpuppy Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 There's a saying O.P: He who cares least in a relationship controls it. You were investing or willing to invest more than he was. If we invest more and get little in return it's harder for us to walk away.
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