Maelys Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I badly need perspective. I'm mired in my own pain right now over my break from my boyfriend of 4.5 years. He is 46 and I am 39. He lives with his mother and has always lived with her. He does not drive. He spent the night at my place once in the entire relationship. We had to have an "excuse" when we wanted to spend time together, so that our activities were approved by her...sort of. There needed to be some real "reason" and I ended up taking him shopping a lot to get the stuff on her lists. He's been I guess the man of the house since his dad left when he was small. She kinda treats him like a husband, if you ask me. She always comes first. We spent four close years, seeing each other when we could, emailing all the time, I shared the joys of my days with him and came to rely on him heavily for emotional support. After a few years I started hating the fact that he'd come over for sex (well, I'd drive him) and then have to go home. I felt like they were a couple with in jokes and favorite meals and memories...we weren't getting many of those. He did come to love my daughter, who is 7, and she loves him. He was very good with her. Eventually he asked me if I'd consider all of us moving in together, and beinga family. I was so happy. He said his mother still had some doubts (that I'd become a "distraction" from their goal which is to better themselves financially). At a very difficult point for me in August when a parent was having serious health issues, he pulled away and avoided answering when I asked what was wrong. Eventually he told me that his mom suddenly told him she had a huge problem with the idea of us moving in together and a problem with me. She cited things that happened on a trip we all took together in the spring, such as I had a messy purse My daughter was playing with an insect My daughter used a stuffed animal to wipe the condensation off a window ...and she also though I was slyly insulting her sort of passive-aggressively, which is something I just don't do. I knew then that her unhappiness with me would mean the death of the relationship, and I was right. He came up with all this stuff about how he thought we were "philosophically" too different, etc. We have been in agreement on all major and most minor issues for four years and never a single real fight. Only disagreements were me getting mad because he was letting his mother control him and we couldn't see each other. That was a month ago. I swore I'd go no contact and tried but he's been my main emotional support during bouts of depression and I just gave in and emailed him. He wants to be friends, he'd love to be friends. I am in pain over this to the point wherei cry when driving and can't seethe road, shaking, sick to my stomach constantly. I need to move on but I'm trapped in trying to understand this deal with his mother. Any insight is helpful and much appreciated. In my depressed mind right now I keep thinking this was my last chance at love. I've been divorced twice. Just haven't really felt truly loved, ever.
melell Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I think it is really important that you stop trying to work this one out. If his mother really is the main influence here, then there is literally nothing you can do. If this guy was really in love with you, I don't think he would let his mother interfere either. It is time to go NC and move on. Friends isn't going to work when you are feeling this way, for the time being I think you need to forget about that happening. Of course you are sad about this, but from what you have said there was depression going on before all of this happened? Perhaps it is best to keep working on yourself, not worry about love and relationships, and do your best to move past this.
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