AutumnMoon Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Strange? I feel horrible when I read about women and men here hurting and feeling used. I want to tell you all, walk away! Nobody should make you feel such pain. I guess my situation is different because I don't want to leave my marriage I don't want him to leave his marriage.. Our affair is for the thrill and for sex.. I do want the emotional connection too, and I do miss it when he withholds that side.. Which he does almost in a clockwork pattern.. But I've accepted this for what it is.. I want to use him, and I'm ok with him using me.
2sunny Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Strange? I feel horrible when I read about women and men here hurting and feeling used. I want to tell you all, walk away! Nobody should make you feel such pain. I guess my situation is different because I don't want to leave my marriage I don't want him to leave his marriage.. Our affair is for the thrill and for sex.. I do want the emotional connection too, and I do miss it when he withholds that side.. Which he does almost in a clockwork pattern.. But I've accepted this for what it is.. I want to use him, and I'm ok with him using me. It's not different. It's the same selfish tendencies that go along with feeding your lies - all at the expense to someone else. Same deal. It's not special - so stop thinking it is. 1
Sofie2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 You say you want your marriage but what will you do if your husband finds out about your affair. I do you think he will stay do you care. And is the sex really that good. I also had an affair so I guess I’m just carious
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 You say you want your marriage but what will you do if your husband finds out about your affair. I do you think he will stay do you care. And is the sex really that good. I also had an affair so I guess I’m just carious I go back and forth on that. I don't believe I'd stay in my marriage even if my husband wanted to if the affair was exposed. I know my husband well, he would never get over it and he's already a very resentful, verbally abusive guy towards me so I wouldn't imagine it as anything but much worse if he actually had a reason to be resentful of me. I love him, but this marriage has been very rocky and the year I've been in the affair has been our best year yet as a married couple (I'm aware this will be controversial) but I'm not so angry and hurt and exhausted anymore.. I feel fulfilled. And content now. Sex with my AP is the best I ever had but that has a lot to do with us both finally meeting our match I think, coupled with the fact that its wrong so it's a rush I guess.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 It's not different. It's the same selfish tendencies that go along with feeding your lies - all at the expense to someone else. Same deal. It's not special - so stop thinking it is. Ah, I didn't say special, I said different and when comparing to a lot of stories here, I'm right, it is different. I do not have the expectations of him as a lot of OW do, not that I don't wish for them sometimes, but I don't expect them and take this for what it is, knowing full well it can't last forever. When I get hurt he hasn't called me.. I don't think of myself as a victim at all, I made a conscious choice to get into this and it's on me as much as him and I will accept that.
yellowmaverick Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I'm ok with him using me. Your thread is entitled "I like feeling used". Do you really enjoy feeling used or do you just enjoy your affair and have accepted it for what it is? If you truly like feeling used.....you have deeper problems than the affair. 2
Got it Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I didn't feel used in the affair and I don't like to feel used. I felt that this were fairly equitable which is what I think you are saying and I agree. I don't think that by having an affair that means you are using someone, at least no different than using someone in any relationship, especially sexual. And the question someone posed about the sex being that good? Absofreakinlutely! 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Your thread is entitled "I like feeling used". Do you really enjoy feeling used or do you just enjoy your affair and have accepted it for what it is? If you truly like feeling used.....you have deeper problems than the affair. I wouldn't be in this if there wasn't something more. I genuinely connect with this guy, he's one of the best friends I ever had, but we were married to other people when we met, we have kids and nothing is so horrible about our marriages to cause us to want to divorce. I would be really hurt if I felt like he was ONLY using me for sex.. But knowing its 90 percent of what he uses me for, is some how fine with me. Turns me on and turns him on to use and be used by each other that way.. We can't be together all the time, saying I love you messes with our heads, so we don't say it but know its there. We use each other for support, we talk when we are lonely and happy and stressed too. There is a friendship that I would be heartbroken to lose and would rather end the affair than lose it. I've just accepted this for what it is, it will never be more than this, one day it's likely to be less so when I miss him, I just remember, I helped him he helped me and I don't regret meeting him at all. People get into a situation like this and then are so in pain because they feel used.... But the person claiming to be 'used' is using the other person to in my opinion... No including betrayed spouses.. I mean those actively in an affair. Sexually yes, I like being used. But I wouldn't like it from just anyone.. I'm hyper sexual, always have been and I've slept with other people but only been in love twice, I'm in love now, and that makes it all the better. If some other guy tried the same things on me he would be cut down fast.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I didn't feel used in the affair and I don't like to feel used. I felt that this were fairly equitable which is what I think you are saying and I agree. I don't think that by having an affair that means you are using someone, at least no different than using someone in any relationship, especially sexual. And the question someone posed about the sex being that good? Absofreakinlutely! Yes I don't mean used as in him walking all over me, I mean if he needs me I'm here for him, no matter what the need is. I don't get offended when he texts me because he's horny because he just got shut down at home for the 100th time that week, and I don't get offended if he doesn't have the emotional energy to text me everyday.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I DO get offended when he ignores me however. Which has happened a couple times. Not going to lie and say that doesn't upset me.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Some powerful men like to be weak with dominatrix. I guess you are feeling something similar and it gives you validation. Exactly, he loves it, and his friends, my husband and his wife all make him feel like he needs to hide it. I've been made feel like I should hide things my whole life too. People need to open up their minds, and maybe there wouldn't be so many liars and cheaters in the world.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) :laugh::laugh::laugh: You are good! That phrase seals the deal for you. It makes you feel good. Doesn't make me feel good. I really believe that. People are judged every day for things that are completely normal human desires and needs and no I'm not saying that lying and cheating are good, at all, I'm saying if people were not so judgmental and people grew up being able to speak their minds and ask for what they want without being made feel like something is wrong inside them, we wouldn't feel like we have to lie. Do we have to lie? No. Do we have to cheat, no. But we do because growing up when we spoke our minds we were told not to feel like that, it's wrong, push it down. Some things can't be pushed down, so people learn to pretend.. And lie, instead. My choices are my own. Not going to blame anyone specific, it's society as a whole that thinks people should fit a certain mold. This is not me saying cheating is fine. I'm saying if people in general were open minded I think the number of extramarital affairs or even marriages would go down.. I would never have gotten married at all if I hadn't felt pressured to. Edited October 1, 2013 by AutumnMoon
2sunny Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I guess you are using him too. But make no doubt about it - it stems from the abuse you tolerate in your M - this A is just a passive aggressive way to get back at your H for the anger you feel towards your H. Seems a totally unhealthy dynamic - all twisted up with negative energy. There's no way to reason good will come from that much negativity. 1
TheOW Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Lol don't kid yourself You will be like every other ow/xow ... When he dumps you or you have an argument etc etc it will drive you crazy and make you an emotional mess you are only saying this and feeling on top of the world because it's good right now Wait till the lows step in Wait till he tries to end it Doesn't matter if you are not leaving your marriage you have been sleeping with this guy for a year you are emotionally connected to him you are addicted to him. If he turned around tomorrow and said "I can't do this anymore" you will be a mess like the rest of us. Don't mean to be nasty but I've been there thinking I just wanted sex didn't want to leave my marriage - reality ?? I did. 1
KathyM Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 If people want an alternative lifestyle, then they are welcome to pursue that with people who want the same thing. What you DON'T have the right to do is to expect everyone to want the same thing you do, and want to live a life with your desires rather than their own. To lie to a spouse and hold them hostage in a fake marriage because they are not interested in the same kind of kink that you are is very unfair. You are preventing them from living the life they want, and instead forcing them to unknowingly live a fake marriage with someone who does not share their same values or desires. Go ahead and live your life the way you want, just don't waste someone else's life that is being forced to go along with what you want without even knowing that it is happening.
Sofie2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I go back and forth on that. I don't believe I'd stay in my marriage even if my husband wanted to if the affair was exposed. I know my husband well, he would never get over it and he's already a very resentful, verbally abusive guy towards me so I wouldn't imagine it as anything but much worse if he actually had a reason to be resentful of me. I love him, but this marriage has been very rocky and the year I've been in the affair has been our best year yet as a married couple (I'm aware this will be controversial) but I'm not so angry and hurt and exhausted anymore.. I feel fulfilled. And content now. Sex with my AP is the best I ever had but that has a lot to do with us both finally meeting our match I think, coupled with the fact that its wrong so it's a rush I guess. If you don’t believe you would stay in your marriage why not just get a divorce then. The fact that you’re happy now isn’t that much of a surprise to me any way. It’s hard to not get caught up in it all. When I learned my husband knew is when it all went to hell. Sex with my AP was also good but isn’t worth everything I’m about to lose. My advice just my carful it could turn really bad for you trust me it did for me.
Got it Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Lol don't kid yourself You will be like every other ow/xow ... When he dumps you or you have an argument etc etc it will drive you crazy and make you an emotional mess you are only saying this and feeling on top of the world because it's good right now Wait till the lows step in Wait till he tries to end it Doesn't matter if you are not leaving your marriage you have been sleeping with this guy for a year you are emotionally connected to him you are addicted to him. If he turned around tomorrow and said "I can't do this anymore" you will be a mess like the rest of us. Don't mean to be nasty but I've been there thinking I just wanted sex didn't want to leave my marriage - reality ?? I did. While this may be the case with you this doesn't mean it is a carte blanche for everyone and doesn't mean it is true for the OP. Not every OW/OM is a mess when the relationship ends. There was a poster here a while back that had many MM relationships and she understood the dynamics and was very matter of fact on the beginning and end of relationships. Please no sweeping generalizations.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) Lol don't kid yourself You will be like every other ow/xow ... When he dumps you or you have an argument etc etc it will drive you crazy and make you an emotional mess you are only saying this and feeling on top of the world because it's good right now Wait till the lows step in Wait till he tries to end it Doesn't matter if you are not leaving your marriage you have been sleeping with this guy for a year you are emotionally connected to him you are addicted to him. If he turned around tomorrow and said "I can't do this anymore" you will be a mess like the rest of us. Don't mean to be nasty but I've been there thinking I just wanted sex didn't want to leave my marriage - reality ?? I did. I don't think I'm kidding myself. I tried to properly explain what I meant by used later in the post I probably didn't explain it right in the OP. I'm not saying I've never been upset or hurt I've definitely cried about how I've felt, it's been far from perfect. It's so much easier once I accepted it for what it is though. It's not a solution to my personal or marriage problems it's a little escape that won't last forever. I'm sure Ill grieve for the loss in the end, but I know there will be an end one day and I'm not going to be surprised by it. I'm also not kidding myself this is not only about sex but its a lot about sex.. Both me and him needed the emotional bond to make it amazing but it's settled down a lot since the start so we could think straight. I'm happy at the moment but yes, I've said when its been a few days with no contact my mind wanders.. I miss him.. I never said I didn't. If it was only about wanting sex, I'd divorce.. It's this specific guy I want and I'm the specific person he wants and we are married to other people and have kids.. We both still have feelings for our spouses so yes, we are remaining in our marriages. Edited October 2, 2013 by AutumnMoon
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 If people want an alternative lifestyle, then they are welcome to pursue that with people who want the same thing. What you DON'T have the right to do is to expect everyone to want the same thing you do, and want to live a life with your desires rather than their own. To lie to a spouse and hold them hostage in a fake marriage because they are not interested in the same kind of kink that you are is very unfair. You are preventing them from living the life they want, and instead forcing them to unknowingly live a fake marriage with someone who does not share their same values or desires. Go ahead and live your life the way you want, just don't waste someone else's life that is being forced to go along with what you want without even knowing that it is happening. I could see how you would think that. I do not prevent my husband from living his life in anyway, he knows I would be open to extramarital relationships because I've told him so. It's not his thing, nor is a lot of what I want and like my AP's spouse they both are under the impression that we just decided not to presue our fantasies even though we've made clear what they are and shut down. My husband was home for 4 days in September. He left yesterday and will be gone for 3 weeks, two weeks working and 1 week hunting.. I do not prevent him from living his life. Considering who is left to take care of the house kids and business, who's really the hostage. Lol! I'm not meeting with the OM several times a week or anything.. We see each other that often but are only physical once a month or so.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 The flip side of this arrangement is this.... If it's just sex, if you don't mind being FBs, is it worth risking your marriage and his? I'd hate to tell my kids I ruined their lives because mommy wanted to get laid. I believe you're kidding yourself because you can't accept that he's more important to you than you to him. I'm all for alternative lifestyles, live and let live, etc. but you and he are making choices for your spouses without their consent. That's the real problem. It's not just sex. I do love him, he knows that, I'd say he loves me equally but he's able to compartmentalize and detach easier than me but he also falls harder than me, so we agreed to keep a good balance.. We don't text everyday, even when we feel like it.. We do try to keep it to a few times a week instead. When we talked everyday we both got obsessive about each other and he was starting to consider leaving his marriage, so we settled down and found a good place. My kids would be with me if my marriage ended, that's not even a thought, if anything I feel able to stay in my marriage because of my friendship with AP. I would have to chase my husband to visit the kids in the case of a divorce. He's a good guy but not a natural daddy or husband, he thinks I'm doing my job by being home raising kids, and fine. I'll do the job but yes Im also fulfilling my own wants and needs.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 If you don’t believe you would stay in your marriage why not just get a divorce then. The fact that you’re happy now isn’t that much of a surprise to me any way. It’s hard to not get caught up in it all. When I learned my husband knew is when it all went to hell. Sex with my AP was also good but isn’t worth everything I’m about to lose. My advice just my carful it could turn really bad for you trust me it did for me. Thank you. I'm aware I can't get too caught up in it. It could end in 5 years or 5 days, it will not last forever and I know that. I will most likely divorce when my kids are grown. If I want their dad around as much as possible for them now I would stay.. So I do. I love the guy too, this just isn't the life I plan to live forever.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 [/b] You sound like a bored housewife with a little action on the side. Maybe you don't want to get a divorce because you'd have to get a job. It's harder to juggle your sexual needs being met when you have to support a family. I'm definitely bored, but not because I don't have a job! Lol! Sorry, but that's such a common thought here?.. That I'd be in my marriage for money? That's not it at all. I run two home based businesses, and work as well as raise my kids. I would not need spousal support in the event of a divorce.
TheOW Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 If that's the case then why are you on a ow/om site day in day out ? If u were "happy" with the situation you surely wouldn't be researching it on the net never mind making posts about it
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 If that's the case then why are you on a ow/om site day in day out ? If u were "happy" with the situation you surely wouldn't be researching it on the net never mind making posts about it I didn't say I've been happy the whole time. Coming here. And reading, venting, looking at myself and trying to be honest how I feel, has made it possible to be content with the situation. I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm human I feel guilt and know I have to consider all sides.
TheOW Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) I didn't say I've been happy the whole time. Coming here. And reading, venting, looking at myself and trying to be honest how I feel, has made it possible to be content with the situation. I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm human I feel guilt and know I have to consider all sides. I get that I really do and I guess many of us go through that phase of being "content" in the A but it always goes downhill for us at some point it always goes a little crazy and our emotions and self worth take a right kick-in. All I was trying to say is ur on a high right now everything is a-ok but there will come a time when the lows rears it's ugly head - then we realise just how un-content we always were. I myself was on a high for months then bam jealousy kicked me in the guts tenfold and I was literally sick with it. Edited October 2, 2013 by TheOW
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