Should I Go Even Though It Feels Like Sloppy Seconds?

[Cindira]

Should I go with my BF to an event that has felt like sloppy seconds from the get-go? My BF’s friend mentioned something in front of me about a show they were trying to get tickets for. I did notice my BF kind of gave him a look, but he didn’t explain anything to me. I had to physically ask him about it, but all I said was why didn’t you mention this before? BF just said his friend had been trying to get the tickets to this show to see a band they’ve been wanting to see for a long time. It kind of sounded to me like his friend was referring to just a ticket for my BF, but I let it go and just tried to enjoy the evening.

 

Eventually, BF said oh, hey, my friend got the tickets for the show so we can go now. Still remembering how weird it had seemed I asked if he was sure he wanted me to go, and he said oh, yes, so I accepted.

 

We’ve been talking about how cool the show’s going to be and he has kept saying how happy he was that we were going to share this experience and how much cooler it was going to be with me there, so I started to relax a bit about that little feeling of me being an afterthought.

 

Now comes the day before the show and he’s like oh, yeah, let’s talk about logistics. I’ll go straight from work, how are you planning on getting there?

I’m like, um, what? I had totally expected we’d meet after work and ride together, if only because I don’t feel safe walking around downtown after dark by myself. And also because, oh, I don’t know, I thought it was a date?

 

So we’re talking about it and he realizes that if he goes straight from work he’ll have to hang out somewhere for three hours, so he says he guesses he could go home first and if I wanted to he guesses we could ride together. At this point, I’m like, um, yeah, and also I’d feel safer not walking around downtown alone after dark, riiiight? And he’s like, oh, yeah, that too.

 

By now, my bubble is starting to pop, but I try to still be excited because it really is going to be a great show, and he’s still talking about how cool it’s going to be that we’re going to share the experience. So like an idiot I say, oooh, and we could do a sleepover afterward, wouldn’t that be cool?

 

And he’s like, um, oh, yeah, I guess I don’t mind. Yeah, we could do that. Like he hadn’t even thought of that, even though he’s always saying he wishes we had more time together and all that crap. But, of course, he GUESSES we could do that, and he doesn’t mind. WTF???

 

By now, my bubble is totally popped, I don’t even feel like going to the stupid show, and I don’t understand why he even bothered asking me, although I’m now thinking he just felt he was in a bind since his friend mentioned it in front of me.

 

I hate how I’m feeling about what should be a really nice date, especially because we don’t go out on actual dates very often. And, I just don’t understand what his deal is. I know it may seem like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, after all, he DID get me a ticket for a really cool show, right? But I’m also feeling like it was an afterthought because of what I overheard, and because of how he’s presented it. I HATE feeling like sloppy seconds, and that’s exactly how I feel right now…

 

So, should I still go? Obviously, there’s no way in HELL I’m going to stay at his place tonight, screw that now. But, should I just take the ticket and go see a cool show, or should I bow out and avoid having to feel like sloppy seconds all night just for the “privilege” of going to the show? Honestly, I don’t even know if I feel like going at all. Let him just enjoy the concert with his friends, scalp the ticket, get his money back, or not, I really am just not caring right now.

 

And, of course, somehow I will be the witch who ruins the evening because he’s all excited and then he’s going to feel like I popped HIS bubble. Yuck, why didn’t he just say he wanted to go with his friends and I would’ve gotten over it or whatever…ugh, I HATE feeling like sloppy seconds.

[mammasita]

Personally, I wouldn't go. Knowing how I am, I would be a total B the entire time.

 

He's being insensitive. If he wanted to do this thing with his buddy it would have been just as easy to say "Hey baby, I was planning on doing this with just my boy(s) - but I promise I will make it up to you tomorrow (or next weekend / whenever)"

 

Obviously, he's not that thoughtful.

[StanMusial]

I think "third wheel" is the proper term under this scenario, not "sloppy seconds".

[heartshaped]

This is your boyfriend, but he didn't tell you he was planning on going to this show with his friend(s), doesn't seem to enthused about you spending the night after the show even after he invited you, and didn't at all seem concerned about you walking around alone downtown at night.

 

I would not go to the show and I would have a talk with him afterwards. Like you, I wouldn't say anything before as I wouldn't want to "ruin" the show for him, but maybe a day or two after I'd let him have it.

 

If he wanted to hang out with his friends that was fine, but he should have been upfront with you about it and not treated you like some type of afterthought.

[Cindira]

Yeah, I probably shouldn't even go, but that'll probably put a damper on it too, so I went ahead and messaged him asking if he was sure he really wanted me to go to something I was obviously not a part of from the beginning. I also said I'd rather not go than feel like an afterthought.

 

So, we'll see what happens. I'm sorry I had to say something, but why is it that my bubble can be popped and I have to keep trying to be considerate of everyone else? I'd like to look forward to something nice and have it BE nice, y'know?

[crederer]

I dunno what city or how old you are, but around here, walking downtown at virtually any time is quite safe.

 

To be honest, I think you're sounding a little needy and dependent.

 

He maybe wanted to go with just the guys to this thing then realized you wanted to go too, so he figured wth, I'll bring her along too. I'm sure he didn't cringe at the thought of it.

 

When a guy says "sure, yah I guess that would be cool" is the same as him saying "yes".

 

I know a lot of times when my ex asked me a question and I answered "sure" she'd take at as a me saying I didn't want to but I would any ways, where to me it's synonomous with "yes, let's do the damn thing".

 

Simply a communication issue.

[TigerCub]

Yeah, I probably shouldn't even go, but that'll probably put a damper on it too, so I went ahead and messaged him asking if he was sure he really wanted me to go to something I was obviously not a part of from the beginning. I also said I'd rather not go than feel like an afterthought.

 

So, we'll see what happens. I'm sorry I had to say something, but why is it that my bubble can be popped and I have to keep trying to be considerate of everyone else? I'd like to look forward to something nice and have it BE nice, y'know?

 

What was the point of that text?

Do you really expect him to say 'Oh man!! THANK YOU! I really didn't want you there, and I so appreciate that you are gracefully withdrawing"

 

All that text does is show more insecurity on your part and makes him obligated to reassure you (once again) - but actions speak louder than words, and although he's inviting you and telling you he wants you there, his lack of enthusiasm to even go with you or hang out with you after should be indicative of what's really going on.

 

So, you'll get the 'No baby, of course I want you there' - but is it really going to make you feel any better about going?

[Cindira]

The point of it was basically to give him a heads up that I might not go and why. There is, after all, a ticket that was bought and paid for that he would be stuck with. Lol, so he's either stuck with the ticket or he's stuck with me. Nice. I feel even BETTER now...

[Cindira]

I dunno what city or how old you are, but around here, walking downtown at virtually any time is quite safe.

 

To be honest, I think you're sounding a little needy and dependent.

 

He maybe wanted to go with just the guys to this thing then realized you wanted to go too, so he figured wth, I'll bring her along too. I'm sure he didn't cringe at the thought of it.

 

When a guy says "sure, yah I guess that would be cool" is the same as him saying "yes".

 

I know a lot of times when my ex asked me a question and I answered "sure" she'd take at as a me saying I didn't want to but I would any ways, where to me it's synonomous with "yes, let's do the damn thing".

 

Simply a communication issue.

 

 

Those are valid points, but somehow I don't think "yeah, I guess I wouldn't mind" is communicating anything other than indifference toward the prospect. Why not just say "cool" and why didn't he think of it himself in the first place?

 

Again, if he had just wanted to go with his friends, he could've just said so and be done with it.

 

We live in a big city, and he's always the first one to be sure our female friends get walked to their cars. He's aware of the safety issues involved and just obviously did not give a **** how I'd get to the show or what.

 

And, I'm not trying to be needy or dependent. I just wanted to look forward to a nice evening, like a date, like a treat, and not feel like this. Or make HIM feel like this. Sigh.

 

Lol, so, your EX, huh?

[soccerrprp]

I dunno what city or how old you are, but around here, walking downtown at virtually any time is quite safe.

 

To be honest, I think you're sounding a little needy and dependent.

 

He maybe wanted to go with just the guys to this thing then realized you wanted to go too, so he figured wth, I'll bring her along too. I'm sure he didn't cringe at the thought of it.

 

When a guy says "sure, yah I guess that would be cool" is the same as him saying "yes".

 

I know a lot of times when my ex asked me a question and I answered "sure" she'd take at as a me saying I didn't want to but I would any ways, where to me it's synonomous with "yes, let's do the damn thing".

 

Simply a communication issue.

 

Don't forget the "guesses" he injected into his responses. Sounds non-committal to me.

 

OP, I wouldn't go, but if that is your choice, then you shouldn't let this disappointment linger on. The biggest mistake was him not being honest and man enough to let you know that you were not invited and he wanted this to be a guy's night out kind of thing. The next mistake was his less-than-take-charge commitment to the event and planning with you.

 

I mean, why in the world would there be any doubt or confusion as to whether the two of you were going to go together or not? There shouldn't have been....

 

There is another observation I would like to make and perhaps others could chime in and add or subtract to what I am seeing here...

 

His response seems rather passive-aggressive. People who provide passive-aggressive solutions tend to become resentful and off-putting. He was not enthusiastic about you coming as you have described AND his subsequent indecisiveness and hesitation leads me to believe that he may be a little peeved that you are about to crash his original plans for the event.

 

Just my thought....

[TigerCub]

The point of it was basically to give him a heads up that I might not go and why. There is, after all, a ticket that was bought and paid for that he would be stuck with. Lol, so he's either stuck with the ticket or he's stuck with me. Nice. I feel even BETTER now...

 

 

Yeah but if you wanted to back out of going, give him a heads up about the ticket and let him go to the concert without guilt, then you could have done as simple as just telling him you don't feel up for going anymore - not the whole, oh are you sure you want me there, I'm feeling like a third wheel (hehe, or in your description - sloppy seconds ).

 

There are ways to accomplish all that without sounding needy and insecure.

 

I really don't mean to make you feel bad - I just don't like the round about guilt trip/whining a lot of girls do.

 

If you don't want to go - don't go, but don't say I want him to go and have a good time and then send a text like that.

[clia]

I think if you decide not to go, you at least owe him the money for your ticket if he can't scalp it or find someone else to use it, since you are bailing at the last minute.

 

I think your boyfriend was planning to go see the show with his buddies, and was sort of indifferent about whether or not you went. He was cool with it, though, and probably didn't care one way or another, and in some ways was probably happy that you were going to be along to share the experience, as you said.

 

But then you started acting like it was a date, when the reality is that it's a bunch of you going to see a show. You + your boyfriend + his friends does not equal a date or a special evening for the two of you. Maybe that's what threw him off.

 

If it's a show you want to see, I'd go. I wouldn't miss it over this. It sounds like a lot of miscommunication to me. Why would your boyfriend even bring you if it was just supposed to be guy's night and he didn't want you to go? That seems silly.

[crederer]

I dunno what city or how old you are, but around here, walking downtown at virtually any time is quite safe.

 

To be honest, I think you're sounding a little needy and dependent.

 

He maybe wanted to go with just the guys to this thing then realized you wanted to go too, so he figured wth, I'll bring her along too. I'm sure he didn't cringe at the thought of it.

 

When a guy says "sure, yah I guess that would be cool" is the same as him saying "yes".

 

I know a lot of times when my ex asked me a question and I answered "sure" she'd take at as a me saying I didn't want to but I would any ways, where to me it's synonomous with "yes, let's do the damn thing".

 

Edit: I don't know why it quoted my last quote, but I was trying to quote your last post, OP.

 

Simply a communication issue.

 

Well, I know you're not TRYING to be needy or dependent, most people don't try to be, they just are. You're probably just reading into it too much.

 

And yes, my ex and I broke up because she had some serious emotional issues that strained the relationship (resulting in a lack of independence, which is one of several reasons we broke up).

[StanMusial]

I think if you decide not to go, you at least owe him the money for your ticket if he can't scalp it or find someone else to use it, since you are bailing at the last minute.

 

I think your boyfriend was planning to go see the show with his buddies, and was sort of indifferent about whether or not you went. He was cool with it, though, and probably didn't care one way or another, and in some ways was probably happy that you were going to be along to share the experience, as you said.

 

But then you started acting like it was a date, when the reality is that it's a bunch of you going to see a show. You + your boyfriend + his friends does not equal a date or a special evening for the two of you. Maybe that's what threw him off.

 

If it's a show you want to see, I'd go. I wouldn't miss it over this. It sounds like a lot of miscommunication to me. Why would your boyfriend even bring you if it was just supposed to be guy's night and he didn't want you to go? That seems silly.

 

 

Maybe he felt obligated to invite her.

 

I have been in the situation before, whereby my ex gf wedged in on trips and outings that were only supposed to be for the guys. Honestly it is not a small part of why we broke up.

[crederer]

It's different if it's a continous thing. One of my ex's did the same and it got old real fast, but at the end of the day if that's the case he's gotta man up and tell her "hey babe, this one's for the guys, I'll take you out later in the week". It's really not that hard (unless she's as relentless and manipulative as a certain ex of mine. Different ex than the one I already referred to in this thread, though).

[Cindira]

Yeah, that's kind of the thing. I mean, if he asked me just to be polite, when all he needed to do was say, aw this was a guys' night, we'll do something cool later, that would've been fine.

 

I didn't ask/insinuate/hint/or whine to go. I just asked what his friend was talking about.

 

We rarely go out on "real" dates and the reason I thought this was a cool prospect (despite the way it seemed to start) was that we STILL haven't done anything for our anniversary or had a real date in a while and it seemed like it'd be sweet to go to this amazing show and then cap off the evening by being together afterward.

 

Honestly, I was just surprised that it hadn't even occcurrred to him, and that mister walk everyone to the car was like I'm doing this, how are YOU getting there? It just felt like why bother?

 

I guess I could've quietly bowed out and given him the money for the ticket afterward if he couldn't find a taker, but that felt too much like "games" too.

 

Whatever, I "guess" I should just think of it as getting a free ticket to a cool show and not give a **** who I happen to be sitting with and just enjoy the show and be done with it.

 

Then, drop him off and go home to my own nice little bed like a good little girl. Wheee.

 

Dang, this is what I get for trying to play things off and NOT be "that girl"...

[TigerCub]

It's different if it's a continous thing. One of my ex's did the same and it got old real fast, but at the end of the day if that's the case he's gotta man up and tell her "hey babe, this one's for the guys, I'll take you out later in the week". It's really not that hard (unless she's as relentless and manipulative as a certain ex of mine. Different ex than the one I already referred to in this thread, though).

 

Yeah why can't the bf say that?

I mean if he doesn't and indulges the gf that wedges herself into all his plans - then that's kind of on him too for not putting a stop to it from the get go.

 

(**talking about general bf and gf**)

[clia]

How long have you two been dating?

[Cindira]

About a year and a half...which is one of the reasons why I was so surprised that he was so stunned at the idea of a mid-week sleepover...

[Cindira]

Yeah why can't the bf say that?

I mean if he doesn't and indulges the gf that wedges herself into all his plans - then that's kind of on him too for not putting a stop to it from the get go.

 

(**talking about general bf and gf**)

 

Lol, I know you're talking in general, but the sad part is, one of the things about me is that I don't like to go where I'm not invited, I don't hint around for invites, I wait to be invited/included.

 

So this is especially frustrating because I let myself get carried away and feel like it was all good, and here it seemed like the whole time he just felt cornered into "inviting" me. Why, I don't know.

 

Like, what, he got "busted" for arranging a perfectly harmless guys' night and panicked? WTC? Now I feel like a piece of ****, but I know I've got to get over myself because I can't change his instincts or how he feels, so...

 

Right now, I'm just hoping to enjoy the show and feel lucky that I "get" to go and see what happens with our communication or whatever.

 

Of course, at this point, he's saying I was included from the very beginning and that that was the whole reason he wanted to go and that he was sorry if he didn't express himself in a cool way.

 

But, as much as I appreciate that, the bottom line is, he did not plan to pick me up or drive with me and he did actually ask me how I was getting there. And, he did act a bit too surprised at the thought of being together afterwards. I don't think that's miscommunication, I feel like that's just resigning himself to his fate and it feels like ****. And, yes, I'm whining, I know. Sorry. (But I feel like ****, remember?)