Nony101 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing, which is why I'm here. I hadn't dated anyone since high school and that was a long time ago. I've been dating my beautiful girlfriend (whom I love very much) for a few months now. So, this is all uncharted territory for me. We don't live together, but she stays over most every night (we've decided to save sex for marriage, but we still have heavier make out "sessions"). I treat her the best I can, and I'm constantly trying to make sure she's happy. I do little things for her fairly frequently, like opening doors, paying for everything, etc. I've learned a lot about myself in these short months, I'm your stereo-typical "nice-guy". However, I feel like I might be doing too much for her, and in turn it's really taking a toll on the relationship from my perspective. Not that I ever expect her to do anything for me, aren't relationships based on giving and taking? Sometimes I feel she is a little selfish, and doesn't really consider me and how I feel. Part of this is my own fault, because I always put her first before myself, and I'm realizing that I should take care of myself first. As we've become more comfortable around each other, I'm starting to see a different side of her. While normally happy, she can be rude and condescending. There's usually something she says at least once a day that will stop me dead in my tracks, and shuts me down. It's rarely anything to do with me, but when she gets stressed or frustrated, she tends to take it out on me. This is something I haven't ever done to her, and while I'm sure it probably will happen at some point, it definitely wouldn't be the frequency at which it happens to me. As far as intimacy goes, she generally will not let me kiss her unless she initiates it. Which results in me kissing her head or hands a lot. Same when we're in bed together, I might kiss her head, trying to initiate something, but she doesn't reciprocate, and might reply with something like "I'm so tired" or "too bad I have to wake up early". However, I wake up before she does, but on the rare occasion she does want to, it doesn't matter what time it is. That made me sound like a jerk I'm sure, but my basic problem is that it's totally on her schedule, with no regard for what I would like and my schedule. I know my problem might be that I'm too available, and predictable and she knows that I'll just go along with whatever. What do you guys think? I love her to death, but I want to be happy too. I feel like she takes me for granted a little bit. Am I completely off base here?
TigerCub Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 You guys are saving sex for marriage - uhm...are you even virgins? Or is this some suggestion she came up with? You're doing too much and you're taking a lot of crap. Why are you paying for everything? I get at the first few dates, guys do take the girl out and pay - but really past date 3 or something that girl damn well better reciprocate - a bf is not a credit card. Why do you let her take out her crap on you? Set boundaries. If she's rude to you, if she's yelling or just being condescending, don't put up with that, you can tell her straight up 'You're being rude, so why don't you take a break and give me a shout when you can converse like an adult' How old are you two? I get that you love her, and that's awesome, and it's nice to do sweet things for the person you're dating and in love with, but it needs to go both ways.
Author Nony101 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Thanks for the response, to answer your question about saving sex, that was something we both decided on and felt strongly about. This was early on in our relationship still during the "honeymoon phase" as I've heard it called, but I know where you're going with that question, but don't worry, it's all good. Part of it is just me not really knowing what I'm doing, like I said it's all new to me. I like paying for stuff and treating her well. Those are things I genuinely like to do, because it makes me feel good, and I'm pretty sure it makes her feel good too. It's not that she expects it, or doesn't appreciate it either. Sorry if it came off that way. She says thank you. It's just that sometimes I find myself doing things for her that I don't really see her doing for me. She's gotten better about taking her frustration out on me. I put up with it for a few days, but eventually calmly told her that I can't put up with that. It's slowly coming back though. I need to get better at addressing it right away. I'm 25, she is 21.
TigerCub Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Thanks for the response, to answer your question about saving sex, that was something we both decided on and felt strongly about. This was early on in our relationship still during the "honeymoon phase" as I've heard it called, but I know where you're going with that question, but don't worry, it's all good. Part of it is just me not really knowing what I'm doing, like I said it's all new to me. I like paying for stuff and treating her well. Those are things I genuinely like to do, because it makes me feel good, and I'm pretty sure it makes her feel good too. It's not that she expects it, or doesn't appreciate it either. Sorry if it came off that way. She says thank you. It's just that sometimes I find myself doing things for her that I don't really see her doing for me. She's gotten better about taking her frustration out on me. I put up with it for a few days, but eventually calmly told her that I can't put up with that. It's slowly coming back though. I need to get better at addressing it right away. I'm 25, she is 21. I understand that you're new at this, you are putting your best foot forward and trying to be nice and treat her well - but don't you ever wish she'd treat you? I don't know what that part in bold is referring to - would you be comfortable explaining that? At the end of it all, it comes down to what feels right and what doesn't sit well with you. If something happens that doesn't sit well with you - confront it head on, speak your mind and set your boundaries, otherwise, it will be easy to lose ground and get taken advantage of. People earn respect and teach others how to treat them.
Author Nony101 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I do wish she would reciprocate more than she does now. To give you some examples of the bold text. The biggest one is when she is sick. I try to be there for her (when I'm not at work). I made her soup once and brought it over to her house, cuddled her once when she started getting a fever from the chills (I got sick after that... LOL), went out and bought a bunch of stuff to make her feel better. I've done dishes for her when she's brought in dirty cups from her car. I grab some ice water for her before we go to bed. These are things I don't picture her doing for me. She's busy enough to where if I were sick, and she wasn't already at my house, would find something else to do. I kind of feel bad because it's not like she doesn't EVER do anything for me, it's just that she does things maybe once every other week, but I'm doing things for her multiple times a day. If that makes any sense. So in terms of setting boundaries, should I just not do as much for her anymore?
TigerCub Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I do wish she would reciprocate more than she does now. To give you some examples of the bold text. The biggest one is when she is sick. I try to be there for her (when I'm not at work). I made her soup once and brought it over to her house, cuddled her once when she started getting a fever from the chills (I got sick after that... LOL), went out and bought a bunch of stuff to make her feel better. I've done dishes for her when she's brought in dirty cups from her car. I grab some ice water for her before we go to bed. These are things I don't picture her doing for me. She's busy enough to where if I were sick, and she wasn't already at my house, would find something else to do. I kind of feel bad because it's not like she doesn't EVER do anything for me, it's just that she does things maybe once every other week, but I'm doing things for her multiple times a day. If that makes any sense. So in terms of setting boundaries, should I just not do as much for her anymore? Well I believe in open communication - so I think you should tell her that you feel some things are missing (and give the examples you gave me), and tell her that you'd appreciate it if she showed more initiative and was more willing to do the sweet things for you that you do for her. Maybe she doesn't really realize that she's not giving you all you need. If after you say that to her - if you see no improvement at all in the next few weeks of month or whatever, then maybe you should pull back a bit, don't go above and beyond for her. If it is completely ignored, then maybe it would be wise to find someone that isn't as selfish and self involved (because that's what it would be if she completely ignored your feelings).
FitChick Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 How will she know she is doing something to irritate you if you don't tell her?
Author Nony101 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) She doesn't make very much money. Nor does she contribute on dates, but I feel like this is mostly my fault. I've probably conditioned her to expect that I pay. Although she never really has volunteered to do so. I would feel weird having her pay anything for dates, do people do that? She is aware of my financial situation. As far as the things she says, it's mostly little stuff. For example, we went out on a double date and the other couple asked if we could bring the girlfriend home since she lives farther away. I said I wouldn't mind, and she texted back, but then started getting upset and saying snide things like when we got to the restaurant late in the evening she said, this is why I ask you where you want to go early on so this doesn't happen. (Meanwhile she was shooting down everything I suggested, and offering no suggestions). When we finally got to this girlfriends house (unfamiliar area, middle of nowhere), I was following the GPS and missed a turn, I was like oh shoot that kind of snuck up on me (it was late and dark driving an unfamiliar car), so I began to slow down and was going to go back to grab the turn. She was like what are you doing? The GPS is telling you where to go, just follow it. I would have said something right away, but I didn't want to embarrass her with someone else in the car. Like I said it's just dumb stuff that makes me feel stupid and emasculated for a few minutes. I'm getting better at it, but when she gets frustrated and shuts down and doesn't give me anything to work with, I just do what I feel is best because it easily becomes a "darned if you do, darned if you don't, can't win" scenario. Edited October 1, 2013 by Nony101
some2many Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Maybe give her some space ..sounds like she is starting to not be thankful for the little things you do for her.
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