I'm demented and I need you guys to tell me so.

[CarrieT]

How am I flaky though?

Creating a fake profile to stalk a guy and the amount of desperation you are exhibiting is flaky behavior and far from mature.

[StanMusial]

Creating a fake profile to stalk a guy and the amount of desperation you are exhibiting is flaky behavior and far from mature.

 

Yeah I see you as more childish than demented really.

[mtber75]

Why would you yearn for this needy, emotional control freak anyways? Since you are stalking him online, you are both nuts for each other!

[FemmeMystere]

This guy has a whiff of sociopath on him.

 

Unfortunately, I've been involved with a few sociopaths in my life, so this advice isn't given from atop a high horse. Until I confronted past issues that hurt my self esteem and cultivated a sense of self-worth, I kept getting involved with these types of men. It never ends well.

 

When he said "the sex wasn't good," that, my dear, was a sh*t test. He'd already accomplished what he wanted, and decided to see if there were any strings left to pull. An emotionally secure women would have replied "well, sorry the sex was so bad that you had three orgasms from it. Don't worry, it'll never happen again." Cut. Print. Dumped. Let's not even get started on the text message breakup, he should have been dismissed long before that point.

 

You're irrationally obsessed with someone who, on paper, doesn't deserve a second of your headspace. Believe it or not, the reason why it's so difficult for you to move on is because you've developed an addiction to him. Guys like this one are well-versed in finding insecure women and getting them "hooked" by laying on the flattery, attention, and "future talk." Once he's got you right where he wants you, the mistreatment starts. And you put up with it, because as much as it hurts, the idea of not having him in your life hurts worse.

 

There is no future with this man, not now or ever. Abandon all thoughts of reconciling with him, because even if it happens, it will be dysfunctional, because he's dysfunctional. You need to recognize what he is - a cold, manipulative, self-absorbed freak who's incapable of empathy. You also need to recognize why you're obsessing over him. It's not "fate," or "destiny," and certainly not because he's "the one."

 

You created that account is because you needed a "fix" of his attention, something to give you relief from "withdrawal symptoms." While it might indeed make you feel a little better, doing things like that only hurts you in the long run.

 

It's going to be VERY difficult, but you need to purge every single trace of him from your life.

 

Every picture, gift, text message, email, whatever needs to be deleted/thrown away/destroyed. There's no need to keep anything that's connected to him. Start with his contact info, so you aren't tempted to call him. Block him on all social media sites. Once he's noticed that you are no longer chasing after him, it's very likely that he will come back apologizing and trying to get you back. Don't give this man another opportunity to hurt you! He doesn't want YOU, he wants the ego boost of knowing someone wants him.

 

If you want revenge, disappear from his life forever, and live a full, happy life. The fact that someone he once "owned" has now shut him out and is perfectly fine without him will EAT HIM ALIVE. Don't answer his calls or texts, delete text messages and voicemails without reading/listening, stay away from places where you might run into him. Btw, he hasn't forgotten about you, he was trying to hurt your feelings - and it worked. Toying with your emotions is entertainment to him.

 

Get p*ssed off at how poorly he's treated you, and use that anger to motivate you break away from him psychologically. Hit the gym hard, take a class - find something productive to do with your spare time other than obsess over him. Because trust me, he's already moved on to grooming his next target.

 

Please, please PLEASE don't fall into the mentality that he was your "last chance." That you'll never find someone as attractive, or well-endowed, or (insert thing you like about him). This mentality is the #1 reason why people stay with vile, abusive boyfriends/girlfriends. There are 3.5 billion men in the world, just as you found this defective creep, you CAN and WILL find a wonderful man who adores you.

 

Finally, don't take the end of this relationship personally. Nothing he said or did is an indication that you're "undeserving" or that something is wrong with you. His nasty behavior is all about him and his own psychological shortcomings and arrant lack of empathy. You likely aren't the first woman he's raked over the coals, and you certainly won't be the last.

 

You are not demented. Love and respect yourself, and you'll draw loving and respectful people into your life.

Edited October 1, 2013 by FemmeMystere

[Lisa_Lisa]

This guy has a whiff of sociopath on him.

 

Unfortunately, I've been involved with a few sociopaths in my life, so this advice isn't given from atop a high horse. Until I confronted past issues that hurt my self esteem and cultivated a sense of self-worth, I kept getting involved with these types of men. It never ends well.

 

When he said "the sex wasn't good," that, my dear, was a sh*t test. He'd already accomplished what he wanted, and decided to see if there were any strings left to pull. An emotionally secure women would have replied "well, sorry the sex was so bad that you had three orgasms from it. Don't worry, it'll never happen again." Cut. Print. Dumped. Let's not even get started on the text message breakup, he should have been dismissed long before that point.

 

You're irrationally obsessed with someone who, on paper, doesn't deserve a second of your headspace. Believe it or not, the reason why it's so difficult for you to move on is because you've developed an addiction to him. Guys like this one are well-versed in finding insecure women and getting them "hooked" by laying on the flattery, attention, and "future talk." Once he's got you right where he wants you, the mistreatment starts. And you put up with it, because as much as it hurts, the idea of not having him in your life hurts worse.

 

There is no future with this man, not now or ever. Abandon all thoughts of reconciling with him, because even if it happens, it will be dysfunctional, because he's dysfunctional. You need to recognize what he is - a cold, manipulative, self-absorbed freak who's incapable of empathy. You also need to recognize why you're obsessing over him. It's not "fate," or "destiny," and certainly not because he's "the one."

 

You created that account is because you needed a "fix" of his attention, something to give you relief from "withdrawal symptoms." While it might indeed make you feel a little better, doing things like that only hurts you in the long run.

 

It's going to be VERY difficult, but you need to purge every single trace of him from your life.

 

Every picture, gift, text message, email, whatever needs to be deleted/thrown away/destroyed. There's no need to keep anything that's connected to him. Start with his contact info, so you aren't tempted to call him. Block him on all social media sites. Once he's noticed that you are no longer chasing after him, it's very likely that he will come back apologizing and trying to get you back. Don't give this man another opportunity to hurt you! He doesn't want YOU, he wants the ego boost of knowing someone wants him.

 

If you want revenge, disappear from his life forever, and live a full, happy life. The fact that someone he once "owned" has now shut him out and is perfectly fine without him will EAT HIM ALIVE. Don't answer his calls or texts, delete text messages and voicemails without reading/listening, stay away from places where you might run into him. Btw, he hasn't forgotten about you, he was trying to hurt your feelings - and it worked. Toying with your emotions is entertainment to him.

 

Get p*ssed off at how poorly he's treated you, and use that anger to motivate you break away from him psychologically. Hit the gym hard, take a class - find something productive to do with your spare time other than obsess over him. Because trust me, he's already moved on to grooming his next target.

 

Please, please PLEASE don't fall into the mentality that he was your "last chance." That you'll never find someone as attractive, or well-endowed, or (insert thing you like about him). This mentality is the #1 reason why people stay with vile, abusive boyfriends/girlfriends. There are 3.5 billion men in the world, just as you found this defective creep, you CAN and WILL find a wonderful man who adores you.

 

Finally, don't take the end of this relationship personally. Nothing he said or did is an indication that you're "undeserving" or that something is wrong with you. His nasty behavior is all about him and his own psychological shortcomings and arrant lack of empathy. You likely aren't the first woman he's raked over the coals, and you certainly won't be the last.

 

You are not demented. Love and respect yourself, and you'll draw loving and respectful people into your life.

 

WOW! I'm floored.

 

Thank you for your insightful post. I feel like everything you wrote is everything I feel, but I couldn't explain it because I didn't know how to.

 

You're absolutely right! It is withdrawal symptoms. And there are millions of men on this earth. I just chose to focus on him.

 

Thank you so much. I really do think that if we'd gotten back together, he'd in complete control of me and I never would have been happy.

 

Wow. Really. Best post ever.

[StanMusial]

The guy is obviously a jerk, no point in wasting words on that topic. The sad part is that you're 34 and stuck on 16.

[tlegend]

The guy is obviously a jerk, no point in wasting words on that topic. The sad part is that you're 34 and stuck on 16.

 

Pretty much what just went through my mind at this point.

 

Good luck with this, and best wishes.

[Ouroboros]

But if only he'd given me a chance to explain this to him, I know we would have resolved it. He has no idea that I wish I could tell him all of this face to face. I'm not the person he thinks I am or the girls he used to date in the past. I wish I could explain this to him. But it's hard to talk to a brick wall. Some people really have no mercy.

You'll need to let this go. There is nothing you can do.

[Ouroboros]

You haven't answered the question: How old are you?

Her age was never relevant.

[TaraMaiden]

Her age was never relevant.

Yes, it was.

[CarrieT]

Her age was never relevant.

Of course it was.

 

One can expect this sort of behavior from 19- and 20-year olds and can be excused. By the time one hits 30, it is expected that some level of emotional and social maturity will have occurred. In this case, it apparently has not.

[Phantom888]

Op did nothing wrong. This guy is such an insecure possessive loser. I mean, why would you have to tell him when you have friends over? Why do you have to pick up when he calls? This is a true sign of clingy insecurity. Op should just move on because this is not a good start to a meaningful relationship.

 

Oh btw, I'm sure he didn't "forget" you. He just deleted your number from his contacts, so when text comes it shows your number instead of your name.

[StanMusial]

Her age was never relevant.

 

I agree with other posters who say it is. It's easier to forgive the indiscretions of youth... some people never learn though and keep repeating their mistakes over and over again.

[Lisa_Lisa]

You guys are putting too much emphasis on my age. I don't think this situation has anything to do with my age. It has to do with not listening to what my gut instincts were telling me. My instincts said this guy was bad news and my gut told me I shouldn't bother, but my emotional side was hopeful. Because I like to believe there is goodness in people and I like to think positive. Now I've learned that I should always follow through with my instincts. I've never experienced this before so it is certainly a lesson learned.

 

Age is just a number. People mature emotionally at different levels. I've lived a sheltered life. I didn't start dating or having sex till my 20's. Back then I was shy and not very social so getting to know someone took time and effort. I was in a relationship for 4 years with a wonderful guy but that ended when he moved away to pursue his graduate degree. After that I kept to myself and pursued my own goals. I've never done online dating before so I'm treading new territory and I never got the manual on how to go about it.

 

It's not like everyone wakes up at 18, 25, or 30 with a sudden vast array of knowledge. We only gather this through experience, and it is a harsh teacher.

[Radu]

So again, why do you need to be loved so much ?

 

Everything else you've written is rationalization.

 

You've opened this thread to be told that you are wrong, but you are fighting against everyone who tells you that your behaviour was off.

FM was right, in that this guy was bad and some of her other stuff was spot on.

However, you focus on this individual case and disregard what you wrote yourself :

- your way of reacting; it's one thing to feel the need to do what you did, and it's another thing to do those things

- the fact that you were willing to overlook his defects just to have that wonderful future

- and finally, the hints [from you] that the above is a pattern with you

[Ouroboros]

Of course it was.

 

One can expect this sort of behavior from 19- and 20-year olds and can be excused. By the time one hits 30, it is expected that some level of emotional and social maturity will have occurred. In this case, it apparently has not.

There should not be different expectations or rules of conduct based on age.

[giblesp]

Do NOT take pills and drink alcohol. This is very dangerous.

 

It sounds like you're going through some stress that doesn't have to do with anyone else. The only man you should have in your life is someone who really cares about you as you care about them. 'Semi-relationships' and casual encounters should probably be avoided.

 

Do look after yourself.

[CarrieT]

There should not be different expectations or rules of conduct based on age.

I completely disagree.

 

As depicted in this thread about a 17-year old girl, for those of us that have been around this site for several years understand that advice and expectations are entirely different for teenagers versus adults.

 

Many of us routinely cite this article which explains that until one reaches their mid-20s, a person's brain is really only half-baked. In short, the frontal lobe of the brain is not fully connected and decision-making processes do not completely exist yet.

 

Different expectations and rules of conduct SHOULD be based on age because - in one's youth - they don't have all the tools needed to even make good decisions; that comes with age, experience, and understanding.

[StanMusial]

There should not be different expectations or rules of conduct based on age.

 

That doesn't make any sense. Why should anyone expect a grown woman to act like a teenaged girl?

[Ouroboros]

That doesn't make any sense. Why should anyone expect a grown woman to act like a teenaged girl?

Teenagers are expected to be adult by most adults.

[Lisa_Lisa]

I get the feeling some people here truly believe I'm a glorified teenager when I'm not. I work a full-time job, have responsibilities, own my own car, pay my bills on time, and function well with members of society, etc. I just happened to fall hard for this guy in particular. If it were any other man, I'd had let it go a long time ago.

 

It was my curiosity that led me to create a fake profile because on Okcupid you can't view someone's profile without them knowing about it. I wanted to read it and I wanted to see his pictures again without him knowing it was me. It was on impulse that I wrote to him because as another poster here commented I was going through 'withdrawal.' That's exactly, right.

 

Now I know that a relationship with this man would have never worked.

 

A day after the break-up, I wrote him an email because he refused to pick up the phone to hear me out. He never wrote back so I knew it was over.

 

But today of all days, he wrote me a text:

 

Him: "I got your message. It's too late for a relationship."

 

Of course, I was devastated and felt truly rejected. But I wanted to go out with some dignity or at least pretend to have some, so I wrote this:

 

"That email was from last week and my feelings have changed. I met someone and it seems to have promise. So no hard feelings. Have a good day."

 

Him: "That's why I never believed you."

 

Me: "And it was hard to believe you too because of the way you treated me."

 

Him: "Did he **** you already too?"

 

Me: "Of course not. I think you and I slept with each other too soon before we could form an emotional bond. I want to do things differently this time."

 

Him: "Sad the efforts placed on him could've been placed with me. But I should have known from the start you wouldn't have changed when you said you were a party girl."

 

Me: "I really wanted to make things work especially after that Saturday night you never gave me a chance to explain. I'm not a party girl at all."

 

Him: "All evidence to the contrary. Good luck with your new mate."

 

Me: "Thanks for wishing me good luck."

 

 

I don't even know how to interpret all of this. I'm not a party girl. I don't go out to clubs, I don't do drugs, I'm not flirting with a million guys. I like to have a couple of drinks with my friends, that's all. But once he placed that assumption on me it must have been hard to shake off.

[Mint Sauce]

are you serious? Whichever way you try to interpret this, you failed to feel the possible background:

 

- either he's a player/likes the power games, and this conversation was a form of "chess", in which case you were put mate within 2 sentences.

 

- or his intentions with you were much more honorable, and he was truly suspicious about your seriousness, in which case you proved (with what I assume is a lie about a "new guy") that his suspicion was valid, i.e. that you are moving from one guy to another rather quickly.

 

I think it's number one though: he sounds like a master manipulator, and you're far too naive a girl for him. With your little lie, you chose to enter the game, and he finished you off in the blink of an eye.

 

I'd recommend more honesty and transparency, and less naivety for the future.

[Lisa_Lisa]

are you serious? Whichever way you try to interpret this, you failed to feel the possible background:

 

- either he's a player/likes the power games, and this conversation was a form of "chess", in which case you were put mate within 2 sentences.

 

- or his intentions with you were much more honorable, and he was truly suspicious about your seriousness, in which case you proved (with what I assume is a lie about a "new guy") that his suspicion was valid, i.e. that you are moving from one guy to another rather quickly.

 

I think it's number one though: he sounds like a master manipulator, and you're far too naive a girl for him. With your little lie, you chose to enter the game, and he finished you off in the blink of an eye.

 

I'd recommend more honesty and transparency, and less naivety for the future.

 

 

This is what I believe: he wanted someone to control and he hates women. Why abandon a woman in a hotel room? Why be so freakin cheap? Why criticize a woman after you've slept with her? What's all that for? To keep them in line, I guess.

 

I told him a lie because he rejected me once more. He didn't have to text me at all about that email. But he wanted to twist the knife. Frankly, I don't think he was ever serious about me.

 

Who asks for a relationship with a girl you barely know? I thought it was suspicious and so I reacted as if it was because I wanted to protect myself. Maybe toward the end of all this we were both playing games.

 

A man can never truly love a woman without letting go of his past.

[StanMusial]

I get the feeling some people here truly believe I'm a glorified teenager when I'm not. I work a full-time job, have responsibilities, own my own car, pay my bills on time, and function well with members of society, etc. I just happened to fall hard for this guy in particular. If it were any other man, I'd had let it go a long time ago.

 

It was my curiosity that led me to create a fake profile because on Okcupid you can't view someone's profile without them knowing about it. I wanted to read it and I wanted to see his pictures again without him knowing it was me. It was on impulse that I wrote to him because as another poster here commented I was going through 'withdrawal.' That's exactly, right.

 

Now I know that a relationship with this man would have never worked.

 

A day after the break-up, I wrote him an email because he refused to pick up the phone to hear me out. He never wrote back so I knew it was over.

 

But today of all days, he wrote me a text:

 

Him: "I got your message. It's too late for a relationship."

 

Of course, I was devastated and felt truly rejected. But I wanted to go out with some dignity or at least pretend to have some, so I wrote this:

 

"That email was from last week and my feelings have changed. I met someone and it seems to have promise. So no hard feelings. Have a good day."

 

Him: "That's why I never believed you."

 

Me: "And it was hard to believe you too because of the way you treated me."

 

Him: "Did he **** you already too?"

 

Me: "Of course not. I think you and I slept with each other too soon before we could form an emotional bond. I want to do things differently this time."

 

Him: "Sad the efforts placed on him could've been placed with me. But I should have known from the start you wouldn't have changed when you said you were a party girl."

 

Me: "I really wanted to make things work especially after that Saturday night you never gave me a chance to explain. I'm not a party girl at all."

 

Him: "All evidence to the contrary. Good luck with your new mate."

 

Me: "Thanks for wishing me good luck."

 

 

I don't even know how to interpret all of this. I'm not a party girl. I don't go out to clubs, I don't do drugs, I'm not flirting with a million guys. I like to have a couple of drinks with my friends, that's all. But once he placed that assumption on me it must have been hard to shake off.

 

Let's address the latter bolded first. Did you or did you not tell him you were a "party girl", and if so, why later deny it? Because if that's what you said, he's not placing any assumptions on you - he's taking your words at face value.

 

So at this point I want to add: This is some guy you met off the internet, that you did not know from Adam until you saw his photos on a website and then started acting like a lovestruck teenager. How much did you really know about this guy, his reputation, the company he keeps, the type of person he is? Does any of that even matter to you? I realize you may be inexperienced with dating and/or relationships, especially for someone your age, so maybe this will be a learning experience for you. I don't know. Honestly, I get the feeling that all the warning signs were there with this guy and your school-girl crush put a rosy tint on the whole matter.

 

I don't want you to think I am picking on you per se, I have seen this scenario play out, I know other women around your age that are just as hopelessly lost when it comes to these things. Honestly, some random dude off the internet and you are "devastated" over him.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Let's address the latter bolded first. Did you or did you not tell him you were a "party girl", and if so, why later deny it? Because if that's what you said, he's not placing any assumptions on you - he's taking your words at face value.

 

So at this point I want to add: This is some guy you met off the internet, that you did not know from Adam until you saw his photos on a website and then started acting like a lovestruck teenager. How much did you really know about this guy, his reputation, the company he keeps, the type of person he is? Does any of that even matter to you? I realize you may be inexperienced with dating and/or relationships, especially for someone your age, so maybe this will be a learning experience for you. I don't know. Honestly, I get the feeling that all the warning signs were there with this guy and your school-girl crush put a rosy tint on the whole matter.

 

I don't want you to think I am picking on you per se, I have seen this scenario play out, I know other women around your age that are just as hopelessly lost when it comes to these things. Honestly, some random dude off the internet and you are "devastated" over him.

 

 

The kind of person he is does matter to me. This is why the very first time we spoke on the phone, we got into an argument - I wasn't thrilled with his character and I ended it with him before it even had a chance to start. For whatever reason, he returned to my life 2 months later. I decided to give him a chance because he asked for it. What did I have to lose? I said to myself, 'get to know him.' Unfortunately, he wanted to rush into a relationship without knowing me from Eve.....and that's why things went badly.

 

He and I spoke on the phone. I asked him why did he think I was a party girl especially since I never said I was. He says it was because everytime he contacted me I was always out at a bar with my friends......I had to laugh at him because it certainly wasn't every time. Plus I explained to him, so what if go to a bar with friends? I don't do drugs, I don't flirt with strangers, and I don't get sloppy...so what's the big deal? I explained that he only knows a tiny speck of my life thus far and I didn't appreciate being judged on it.

 

He and I both came from strict backgrounds; no going out, no partying, no sleepovers, no staying out late. I lived that way for many years as did he (even comparing his mother to Hitler), and I think he still has that mentality whereas I was able to break out of it. Speaking with him, I've come to realize that he was serious about having a relationship with me and having children and all that stuff, but he probably thought I was going to be too much trouble to handle or something.

 

Since I first wrote this post, I've come to the realization that he's not exactly the bee's knee's if you know what I mean...he may be a bit too complicated for me to handle. But we agreed that we want to be in each other's lives in whatever capacity that may be. We're finally talking as two people just getting to know each other without any pressure - which is what I wanted in the first place. Now at least I feel things are different. Better.