New here. trying to build my up my strength and resistance

[GainingStrength]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been reading posts on here for a couple of months and alot of it gave me the strength and insight that I was hoping for. I hadn't posted before because I knew that I wasn't ready to really make a move and didn't want to waste anyone's time with answering questions or offering advice that i wasn't yet ready to take. But now things have changed, I guess I have changed and I'm ready to start repairing the damage that's been done.

 

I know that while the details of each situation are different, most of us are in the same boat... Like most of you, I met a man (at work) and we clicked immediately. It was during a time that I was in limbo as to what I was going to do about my marriage. My husband was away for 6 months but was dure to return home soon. After being in an abusive marriage for my entire adult life, I had been worn down, felt completely unattractive, alone and hopeless. Being with him woke something up inside of me that had been burried and forgotten for over a decade.

 

When our relationship (I don't know what else to call it) progressed and feelings grew stronger, before it became physical, I told my husband what was going on, and asked him to leave. I guess for me it was an exit affair. It gave me the courage and confidence to move forward with hope rather than stay where I was out of fear. In that aspect, I don't have any regrets. I never lied about the affair and warned my husband that if he didn't step up and make some changes that it was going to happen. He chose to do nothing, so I chose to pursue my needs elsewhere.

 

He wasn't married, but living with someone whom he had a child with for 20 years. Might as well have been married, but whatever, that's their issue. Anyway, This affair went on for about 9 months, physical for about 7. Once I began to find out more and more about how afraid he was to leave, mostly due to finances and being tied into business, the more I started to distance myself. That's when I started readingthis forum. But still, the pull and desire to be with him left me almost brain dead when it came to really ending things for real. I always went back and always gave in, hoping that he would grow a pair of balls and talk to her like he kept saying so I'd know where I stood with him.

 

Finally, after alot of self searching and prayer and building up my courage and faith, I ended things with him.

 

I told MM that I had met someone who seemed really great and the kind of man that was good for me, but that I felt nothing for this new man. The reason that I felt nothing was that I was still so emotionally invested in MM. I told him that I wanted more for myself than the crumbs that he could offer and that I needed to move on and couldn't while we were still involved at all, even as 'friends.' It has nothing to do with this new man really, except that it made me realize how stuck I was with MM and how much that I needed to change that. Despite his agrument to not end things or at least still be his friend, I stuck to my guns and told him that I couldn't be his friend because it hurt too much. I laid everything on the table, told him that I wasn't angry and had no ill feelings toward him, but that I needed to stop my relationship cycle of being with men who were unavailable in one way or another. Thanked him for helping me to find my confidence and told him that I loved him and if things with him were different, he would be my choice 100%, but the way things are I can no longer be involved with him on any level.

 

The next day at work, I kept my strength and was able to pass him by and just offer a smile and keep walking despite how hard he tried to get me to have a conversation. I dodged all of his attempts and managed to get through the day without tears or vomiting from nerves. I was pretty proud of myself actually.

 

That night, after not answering any of his texts or calls, he showed up at my house. He spent an hour spewing bull**** about how sorry he was and how bad he screwed up and how he needs me to at least be his friend. He actually had the balls to say "well, I need to know that I can text you if I need to. What a I supposed to do If I need you and can't text or call?" My answer was, call (insert girlfriends name) and give her that attention. Figure out what the hell you want to do and do it with integrity. Get your life back on track, figure your **** out and if after you do all of that and if you decide to leave, call me when you're single, but I can't guarantee that I will still be either available or willing to be with you at that point.

 

Ahhh, it was SO hard! but I managed to get through it without tears until he tried to kiss me good bye. At that point, I teared up and told him don't you dare! I told him that if he does care about me at all than he should do the right thing for me and let me go. I'm on day 3 of no contact and it's starting to hit me hard. He's texted me and I'm not replying at all.

 

As much as I don't want him to contact me, I do miss him like crazy and his texts are killing me. I'm trying to keep busy and not keep looking at my phone. I posted on here to get it out rather than be tempted to answer back. How long does this part last? How long before you stop feeling like your fingers have a mind of their own, creeping toward the phone to answer the text, like they're possessed! Ugh, this sucks!

 

Thanks for reading my rant, It's appreciated!!

[Goodbye]

You made a good decision and I hope you can stick by it. I do know, all too well, the withdrawals you are experiencing. It is a very difficult time. It lasts different lengths for each person. I really struggled for about six weeks. Felt heart sick all of the time, constantly desiring to check my email etc.

 

Stay as busy as possible. Fill your life up. Do all the stuff you backburnered while spending emotional or physical time on this guy. You'll feel like a robot for a while, but it will help.

 

Hang in there. Stick with NC. I wish you the best.

[Patrice]

Keep a journal .. and keep reminding yourself, you deserve way more than to be crumbs to anyone - you deserve and need a real man, who is decisive and mature enough to take the steps he needs to take, to be with you. Your self esteem spoke to you, and you acted on it! Good for you, it will get easier .. keep busy, expand your network of friends and let him go.

[KentuckyGent]

You made a good decision and I hope you can stick by it. I do know, all too well, the withdrawals you are experiencing. It is a very difficult time. It lasts different lengths for each person. I really struggled for about six weeks. Felt heart sick all of the time, constantly desiring to check my email etc.

 

Stay as busy as possible. Fill your life up. Do all the stuff you backburnered while spending emotional or physical time on this guy. You'll feel like a robot for a while, but it will help.

 

Hang in there. Stick with NC. I wish you the best.

 

 

I've really struggled for 6 months. We're all different though. Some people get past these things much quicker. Good luck.

[GainingStrength]

Thanks for the replies. A mutual friend of ours just called to see how I was doing. He said that he had brought me up to my xmm the other day and pretty much told him that he was really wrong for putting me through this and that he needed to let me go and move on if he wasn't going to step up. He asked him why he had let it go so far and led me on if he knew he couldn't give me what I needed. This Fu**tards response was that I had "sort of forced a relationship" WTF?!

 

I can't believe that he said that! Especially since that turns out to be the same night that he showed up at my house (an hr an a half away from his) after i wouldn't respond to his calls, basically telling me how horrible he fels and how he doesn't want to end thing! He was asking me for advice on how to deal with his situation at home and asked if he got his crap straightened out , would I be willing to give him another chance! But I forced him into a relationship?

 

He's trying o find reasons for me to have to speak to him, offering to come do my yard work or pick up my inventory and asking for help getting something done for a friend of ours. But I forced it?! Unreal. This just made not responding today alot easier for me. But clearly I have alot of work to do with myself still, because in my head I just came up with excuses for him to have said that.

 

I just started getting daily emails from a website dailylove.com and the messages and quotes on there are helping me so far... Guess I'll just keep reading there and here to keep building up my strength and integrity to fix this mess for myself. Thanks for the responses, it helps to know that I'm not the only one going crazy in a situation like this.

xoxoxo

[Patrice]

Nice guy! Now, he can escape any responsibility for his actions, and make you look bad ... you got lucky - true colors are coming flying out!! Probably afraid that his wife will find out.

[GainingStrength]

I know... fortunately for me, our friend, though it was his friend first, knows that he's full of it and said that he clearly has no balls to take action or responsibility for his own life. I'm not afraid of him making me look bad, because anyone who knows me, knows my personality and knows the truth about this situation. Anyone else he rattles off Bull to isn't part of my life anyway so their opinions are irrelevant to me. It's like he has multiple personality disorder!