Sweetz Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 things have been up and down and up and down. Today they are down. One minute everything is great. The next feels like I can't go on and live like this. I feel like I am now going to forever pay for my mistakes of the past.
jmargel Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 It's only 2.5 weeks. You two need counseling. You both have a long road ahead of you, not only months but years ahead.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 Sweetz, now is the absolute worst time to make decisions about the future. His pain from learning the truth and your pain from watching his agony are still very fresh and new. You'll both have those huge ups and downs over the next several weeks and months. Over time, the extremes will get less and less. One thing you should ask yourself is this: do you ultimately want to be WITH YOUR HUSBAND, at a point in the future where you're both not bothered by the past anymore? Is he the person you want to be with? And if you're not sure right now, COULD he be? You may have decided long ago that you were miserable and had married the wrong person, but that you were trapped and made horrible choices to mask your misery. The problem is that, if that was the case, your H was never given the opportunity to try to meet your needs before you sought to fulfill them elsewhere. He assumed that you were happy because you never gave him a reason to think otherwise. Now that he knows the truth, you have an obligation to at least try with him and give him that chance. For many reasons, not the least of which is that you promised on your wedding day to do just that. My TBXWW was in a similar situation to yours. The problem was, she made her decision at the wrong time and wanted to end the marriage. I moved out, and when she asked me to try reconciliation only ten days after the split, I couldn't. How could I just turn around and move back in, just because she suddenly changed her mind? Especially when I asked her again about two weeks later and she turned ME down. But that didn't stop her from asking me yet again. In our case, maybe a one or two month separation would have been best, on the strict understanding that it wasn't permanent. Maybe that would be in your best interest too. Before you tell him that it's over, however, you owe it to him to be able to say that you DON'T want to be with him anymore. Period. In my case, it's too late now and we'll never know. But you have that opportunity. Don't waste it.
Owl Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 Sweetz- Don't be surprised that its rough right now...I hope that you might have seen from a lot of our posts that this was coming. It's darn tough...and it will be for a while. But, it DOES get better. Like resevoirdog said, the ups and downs do shallow out with time. But it WILL take that time for it to happen. Right now, your marriage has had this great big block of emotion dropped right into the middle of it...so the waves are sloshing back and forth, and bouncing off the walls and coming back. But, to use the same analogy, the waves will fade out, and eventually the calm returns. You'll hear everyone talking about "the rollercoaster ride". Well, in a way you and your husband are each on a seperate one. He's cycling through the pain, doubt, distrust, hurt...going back up to the love he's had for you, the great feelings that you get when it feels like its all working out and getting better, and the closeness that you two share now when you ARE working together (feels a little like when you were first dating, no?). And he's going back and forth through that cycle...not always at the same speed, and even he can't tell you if he'll be up or down in any given moment. You're going through the same thing I'd wager. Only for you, your cycling through the guilt over what you've done, the pain seeing what its done to your husband, the despair that he'll never forgive you or that your marriage is ruined, and the feeling that it will never "go away". The ups are the same as his...but they don't always happen at the same time, or for the same reasons. And you can add in the elation of no longer carrying secrets, and the freedom to finally tell how you feel for a change. (All based off of what I think my wife has gone through, btw) We had a down time ourselves this past weekend. We got into a disagreemant on how something should be handled, and it brought up a bunch of rough memories and my wife said a few things that I totally took the wrong way. I've spent part of this weekend myself wondering AGAIN if we were going to work out still... But, we're already back on track, and things are going good again now. And its only been about six months since our "d-day" when I found out what was going on. It WILL take time, and you will absolutely want to have counseling to help the two of you deal with things...but if you both still love each other, and are both willing to WORK at it (even when its rocky!), you can and will make it. Hang in there...it will get easier eventually. Take it from those of us who have been in similar rides!
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 because I too am having a very bad day. I had a great weekend, but bad memories always seem to find their way in sometimes. A few weeks ago, we had a talk about the feeling of love. My wife said that sometimes she just doesnt feel it for me....That she just doesnt know. But in the same sentence she says that the spark is slowly coming back....It just makes me feel that she is still on the fence sometimes.....and it hurts me deeply. Its hard to get thru the day knowing that deep down inside, she may still have doubts.....that she feels that their is still something missing for her....and the fact that I may not be the one. She has changed, she keeps saying that its not ME.....and that its HER. But I cant seem to understand that if she dont feel love for ME liked she used too.....then how can she say its NOT ME? I just dont think she is being totally upfront and honest for fear of hurting my feelings. But how can I live and show my utmost love, when I dont feel it back from her? I try hard every day to show her that I AM the one....I'm just waiting for that sign from her that she knows its the truth.....and on somedays, I dont see it....and I just feel hurt and pain inside. people change, and I understand that.....but like her fiend said to her the other day...."You are so lucky to have a husband like Matt, he has got to be one of the best men that I know, I wish I had what you had". It felt good to her that from someone else. I just hope she truely takes that to heart and finds the spark for me again. I love her more than life itself....and I just want her to be happy and satisfied in our marriage relationship. I cant say how much this LS outlet helps me. All of you help get me thru the pain. No one other than my friends of LS, my wife, her close friend, my boss and our MC knows my situation. But today I made plans to meet with a good friend tomorrow night.....I am going to tell him everything that has happened and what we are going thru. I just need to talk to someone face to face that knows me....its been 4 months and I need to talk to someone else and get a hug and know that I am a good person and that I am loved. ok...sorry for thread jacking....just didnt want to start a new one, cause this one fit my purpose...
Joyce Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 Sweetz, Think positive. Don't think of it as paying for your mistakes. Look at it as bettering yourself and your marriage. You are probably still going through withdraws and finding it hard to become independent again. This is the hardest time but yet the most important. When I went through this I felt every emotion possible. I constantly wondered why I did this to myself. I started changing my way of thinking. Then I started to be thankful and appreciative for what I had. If things were easy it would have been easier to fall back into taking the easy way out of my marital problems and fall into temptation. I needed to feel every emotion in order to learn. You will soon appreciate it all too. Hang in there Sweetz! It's a tough ride but it's worth it.
Author Sweetz Posted November 29, 2004 Author Posted November 29, 2004 You guys are the best. Seriously at night when I can't sleep and am confused, I think about all the advice you guys have given me and without it I'd be even more lost. I am going to read every post ten times and then reply again.
KissMyTiara Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay because I too am having a very bad day. I had a great weekend, but bad memories always seem to find their way in sometimes. It's the holidays. They are gonna kill all of us - OW/OM and MM/MW alike.
sylviaguardian Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Sweetz, I would agree that 2.5 weeks is no time at all really. You just have to hang in there. Your other half has a lot to come to terms with. From my own experience It changed my view of my partner, of our marriage, and of myself. It takes a long time because often tiny things trigger the hurt all over again. It can be something small that realising that it was happening on a day that you had really enjoyed or thought was special. Sometimes it can be for no good reason. Like everyone here I have good days and bad days. This weekend there must indeed have been something in the air because I had a great weekend then as I went to bed on Sunday night I got a panic feeling and thought "I still can't believe that this has happened". It's like a shock all over again. The best thing that you can do is talk, talk, talk. Even when your partner is ranting and raving at you, you have to keep reassuring him that it is him you want to be with. Answer his questions honestly. Best of luck to you. You have done the right thing. Sylvia
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by sylviaguardian It takes a long time because often tiny things trigger the hurt all over again.....This weekend there must indeed have been something in the air because I had a great weekend then as I went to bed on Sunday night I got a panic feeling and thought "I still can't believe that this has happened". It's like a shock all over again. wow...thats exactly what happen to me this past Sunday night.....great weekend...then one small reminder of that "day"...and back into my box of fear I go.... today is better though.....f***in rollercoasters...I will never look at Six Flags the same way again....
sylviaguardian Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Today is better for me too! I have learned that there are certain roads it's best not to go down.... What is/are Six Flags??? Sylvia
Author Sweetz Posted November 30, 2004 Author Posted November 30, 2004 Thanks to all who replied. Last night was rough but we made it through yet another day together. He was in the mood to ask a ton of questions last night and of course I owed it to him to answer them all as hard and painful as it was to do. He now wants details and is wanting to know every little bit of it. I sat there and just realized that I owed it to him to answer everything he wanted me to. Not a day goes by that I do not regret what I did. Heck not a minute goes by that I don't regret it! I can't believe what I did. I almost lost the greatest guy because I was stupid, selfish, and not thinking logically. He told me that he is sad that I did what I did and he is twice as sad because it was his friend who also was the OM who betrayed him. At one point he said, "I wish you never told me this, you should have kept it to yourself and just ended it". You are all so right. It's a rollercoaster. It will take time. He will be manic in emotions. We do need counseling. And so much more. I am just taking it one day at a time. I am not going to give up on us and I know he won't either. I don't see myself with anyone else in this world. He has proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a real man. Not because he makes my heart pitter patter. Not because I get butterflies in my stomach when we kiss. Not because he says all the right things. It's because of his actions towards me and all now that I realize he is so kind hearted, loving, forgiving, and just wants the same in return. That is what true love is. Thanks again everyone. YOu really don't know what your posts mean to me at this time in my life, the hardest time of my life yet.
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by sylviaguardian Today is better for me too! I have learned that there are certain roads it's best not to go down.... What is/are Six Flags??? Sylvia its a theme park with Rollercoaster rides.....hahahaha. The next time I actually ride one will be an experince to say the least.....meaning the physical feelings of riding one....and the metphor of that feeling in relation to the emotional feelings I am experincing.......ought to be fun though!
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by Sweetz I am not going to give up on us and I know he won't either. I don't see myself with anyone else in this world. He has proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a real man. Not because he makes my heart pitter patter. Not because I get butterflies in my stomach when we kiss. Not because he says all the right things. It's because of his actions towards me and all now that I realize he is so kind hearted, loving, forgiving, and just wants the same in return. That is what true love is. Thanks again everyone. YOu really don't know what your posts mean to me at this time in my life, the hardest time of my life yet. if you keep that as your focus and continue to focus your energy on your husdand and yuor love for him.....you both will get through this.... and your right...that is what true love is.....you give what you want in return....and the feelings you share together can never be taken away as long as you work hard to keep them within you....never let go....as hard as it will be to get through the next few months, and it will be hard as you can already see....YOU MUST NEVER LOSE FOCUS AND NEVER LET GO.....
Joyce Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Thanks to all who replied. Last night was rough but we made it through yet another day together. He was in the mood to ask a ton of questions last night and of course I owed it to him to answer them all as hard and painful as it was to do. He now wants details and is wanting to know every little bit of it. I sat there and just realized that I owed it to him to answer everything he wanted me to. Not a day goes by that I do not regret what I did. Heck not a minute goes by that I don't regret it! I can't believe what I did. I almost lost the greatest guy because I was stupid, selfish, and not thinking logically. He told me that he is sad that I did what I did and he is twice as sad because it was his friend who also was the OM who betrayed him. At one point he said, "I wish you never told me this, you should have kept it to yourself and just ended it". You are all so right. It's a rollercoaster. It will take time. He will be manic in emotions. We do need counseling. And so much more. I am just taking it one day at a time. I am not going to give up on us and I know he won't either. I don't see myself with anyone else in this world. He has proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a real man. Not because he makes my heart pitter patter. Not because I get butterflies in my stomach when we kiss. Not because he says all the right things. It's because of his actions towards me and all now that I realize he is so kind hearted, loving, forgiving, and just wants the same in return. That is what true love is. Thanks again everyone. YOu really don't know what your posts mean to me at this time in my life, the hardest time of my life yet. This is a great post Sweetz! When your having another bad day come back and read this. It will help. You hit it right on the nose about love. I have a question... You said your H said he wished you never told him. Do you regret telling him?
Author Sweetz Posted November 30, 2004 Author Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by Joyce I have a question... You said your H said he wished you never told him. Do you regret telling him? Absolutely not. The only thing I regret is waiting so long to tell him. I think he's just as upset that I lied as he is at the fact that I kept it from him so long. He has the right to know. Now he knows what his reality is. It also lets him know where we stand as a couple, the true reality of where we stand, not the convuluted version of what he thought we were. It also made me realize things about myself individually. It was really never that I loved this OM. It was the fact that I loved the feelings that were brought up by him as artificial as those feelings were based on our artificial relationship. There was really never any true real love between us, just tons of sexual tension, frustrations, fantasy, and a whole lot of nothing. Do I regret telling him? Not for a second. AND I HAVE TO SAY IF IT WEREN'T FOR LOVESHACK, AND ESPECIALLY OWL, I WOULD NEVER HAVE CONFESSED, BUT IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD HAVE DONE. IT JUST WAS RIGHT.
Joyce Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 That's good to hear sweetz!! I am glad you are having a better day today.
Owl Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by Sweetz AND I HAVE TO SAY IF IT WEREN'T FOR LOVESHACK, AND ESPECIALLY OWL, I WOULD NEVER HAVE CONFESSED, BUT IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD HAVE DONE. IT JUST WAS RIGHT. Sweetz- don't sell yourself short lady. You already knew what you had to do...you just needed to have some hope that you could do it and still be able to work things out. All I did was let you know how I felt on the subject, and how I've felt in the situation I've been in. You made the right choice to let your husband know...you've made the choice to work things out and put an end to what was going on...you are the one responsible for trying to work this out with your husband...not me, or anyone here. I'm just glad that things are going well for you...good luck and hang on, you'll make it through it!!
Author Sweetz Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by Owl Sweetz- don't sell yourself short lady. You already knew what you had to do...you just needed to have some hope that you could do it and still be able to work things out. All I did was let you know how I felt on the subject, and how I've felt in the situation I've been in. You made the right choice to let your husband know...you've made the choice to work things out and put an end to what was going on...you are the one responsible for trying to work this out with your husband...not me, or anyone here. I'm just glad that things are going well for you...good luck and hang on, you'll make it through it!! Perhaps all that is true, but when I signed onto LS, it was just out of mere curiosity. Nearly 3 weeks ago, this was a secret I swore I would take with me to my grave. So to say you and LS changed my life is not an understatement whatsoever. Hearing from another man how much hurt and pain this causes really helped me put it all together that this is real life and real people with real emotions are involved and real pain can be caused. I lived in a fantasy world for so long I forgot what reality was, but it's good to be back. It's sad when I think back the last several years are plagued with no real good memories. I feel like I have been drunk for two years or high on drugs, it's all just a big blank to me. My days were spent worrying and stressing over this OM and didn't allow myself to life my live, instead he lived it for me. But that's the past, and the future is looking bright.
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