Cool Chick Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I wrote a while back about difficulty I had been having with a long time friend who never wanted to put effort into the friendship. I was always the one initiating and maintaining contact as well as the one always suggesting things to do, inviting her to my place etc etc. It finally got to a point where we've had an argument about it and I'm pretty much ready to walk away from the friendship. I'm just tired. I don't want to be the one putting in all the initial, continuing and follow-up effort all the time...it makes me feel like I'm not worth her time. Why should she be worth mine if I'm never worth hers? Now she seems to be freaking out about it. She still doesn't want to put in any effort and I've been spoon fed every reason in the book why she can't or won't make an effort......and you know what.....I don't care anymore. She complains that it's hard for her to get away for girls nights out....but then when we get together with the family she then complains that she thinks I don't feel comfortable around her young son, yet she won't make any effort to plan an event that's to her liking either! Uhg, I'm in a no-win situation. I've been chatting a bit with her husband through email as he's a friend as well. Yesterday he tried to get us talking again and I pretty much told him the friendship between his wife and I is at a crossroads. I told him she won't put in any effort and I'm just to worn out from years of always trying. Now on Facebook she's writing stuff like "Slowly dying inside". I mean....wtf! What's with this sort of thing? She has the option to step up and become an active participant in a friendship or let it slip away and she's choosing to play the part of the victim in a public forum? I mean...seriously? It's feels like a subtle form of manipulation to me. Uhg! Very frustrating.
writergal Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 One-sided friendships are SO frustrating, aren't they?! It sounds like you've really put in the effort to ask your friend to contribute to the friendship. But, she's just not interested, it sounds like which is unfortunate. Why are people like that? Who knows. But they are. They don't change and expecting them to is a waste of your time. No amount of effort on your part will make those kinds of people change. Your friend is identical to the one-sided friendship I had that I put up with for years until I decided I'd had enough and walked away from the friendship. I deserve better from people, and so do you. Ask yourself: do you get anything ANYTHING out of being this woman's friend that is helpful to you? If not, walk away. Or, downgrade her friendship to acquaintance and stop emotionally investing your energy, and just see her occasionally with her husband and son if it's too hard for you to completely walk away 100%. I'd leave her husband out of your fight too. 2
mea_M Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 on Facebook she's writing stuff like "Slowly dying inside". I mean....wtf! What's with this sort of thing? She has the option to step up and become an active participant in a friendship or let it slip away and she's choosing to play the part of the victim in a public forum? I mean...seriously? It's feels like a subtle form of manipulation to me. Uhg! Very frustrating. Ok. Personally speaking, the victim mentality assumption is so over used its becoming pathetic. It sounds to me by what she is typing on facebook that she is clearly not happy with some part of herself or life so she is attention seeking. She probably needs to look inward to find out what's missing. My bet she does not love herself leaving her in a position to not fully love others. A person stuck like this will never make a good friend until she can take a look at her core. Try not to let it get to you by backing away if you can. Good luck. Mea:)
Author Cool Chick Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I hate giving up on a long time friend, but at the same time I can't help but feel a bit relieved at the same time. It's like I've finally given myself permission to let go and stop putting up all the effort. It's hard to let go too because when you have so much invested in a person you don't want to lose that investment. Mea, you are right....she's not happy on a deep level and suffers from self esteem problems. I won't lie...I've had a huge share in these myself....but I'm trying to overcome them and learn to make myself happy, not lean on everyone around me to do it for me. Some days are way easier than others. I think one of the things I've come to realize as well is I can't prop someone else up at the same time as I try to look after myself. I have to pull away from these friendships and relationships that aren't good for me (a.k.a: doing all the work) and start trying to do things to make myself happy. It's odd that I have to pull away form everyone in order to find my authentic self...and then hopefully move forward again....if that makes any sense? CC 1
mea_M Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I hate giving up on a long time friend, but at the same time I can't help but feel a bit relieved at the same time. It's like I've finally given myself permission to let go and stop putting up all the effort. It's hard to let go too because when you have so much invested in a person you don't want to lose that investment. Mea, you are right....she's not happy on a deep level and suffers from self esteem problems. I won't lie...I've had a huge share in these myself....but I'm trying to overcome them and learn to make myself happy, not lean on everyone around me to do it for me. Some days are way easier than others. I think one of the things I've come to realize as well is I can't prop someone else up at the same time as I try to look after myself. I have to pull away from these friendships and relationships that aren't good for me (a.k.a: doing all the work) and start trying to do things to make myself happy. It's odd that I have to pull away form everyone in order to find my authentic self...and then hopefully move forward again....if that makes any sense? CC Yes Coolchick you most certainly do make sense. However, know its ok to pull away to take care of you. Lots of times by doing that a nice big piece of self discovery takes place and self discovery is often the key to great relationships. When your happy inside you will attract the right people and that's because inner peace radiates outward. I've seen it happen in my life and its truly a blessing. My best to you. Mea:)
coolheadal Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Your intent is to stay friends, but sometime your intent can hide the facts that this so called friend really doesn't care about her friendship with you. As for the husband he really can't come between you too. Won't work! It has to be a willingness on her part to be interested in this friendship and she's not doing so! Her intent is not there anymore. Sounds like if she said that on FB, is that she's very unhappy with here life right now. That's another issue. Doesn't have anything to do with you. That's on her. You might want to help her if she accepts your help. Best to either pull all your efforts for this so call ending friendship away. 1
The Outlaw Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 You're FAR better off having walked away. In any relationship, no matter how big or small, it always takes two to make it work. I had the displeasure of having to end a friendship two years ago over something similar. And while it sucked, I ended up better because of it. Sometimes you just have to look out for you.
CC12 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Why are you having multiple arguments or conversations with her about this? When you wrote about her a while back, you said her response was pretty much "this is the way I am." And you seemed to accept that you needed to cool off the friendship. It's beginning to seem overly dramatic at this point. You've told her what bothers you and she didn't make sufficient moves to rectify it. Allowing it to get as far as arguing about it is kind of ridiculous. You have different ideas of what a friendship should be. Either accept her level of commitment or move on. Don't argue about it. And like another poster said, leave her husband out of it. You know he's telling her everything you say, or if he's the type of seemingly rare person with a little discretion, he's at least telling her the gist of what you say about her. You're fanning the flames of drama. Let it die with dignity. You can always leave a door open for her if she decides to start being the kind of friend you want her to be. Don't force it, though. Also stop reading her facebook posts. 1
Author Cool Chick Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 CC12, I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding. I haven't spoken to my friend since before my original post. Her husband initiated the email with me. Initially it was just a little idle chit-chat as we are friends too and there was no discussion of the issues involving me and his wife. Then he tried to get me to re-initiate contact with his wife (my friend) as he said she was wondering why I wasn't emailing her. I told him that I wasn't willing to do so and if his wife couldn't or wouldn't make an effort that our friendship as it currently stands is at a crossroads. That was the end of it. A few hours after that she starts posting message on FB....as you correctly mention he tells her what I said...but it wasn't anything I hadn't told her myself already. I didn't go looking for her postings, it just unfortunately ended up that when I signed into FB that it was the first notice on my news feeds. I didn't read the replies and deleted the posting. I was more venting at her behavior. I don't publicize my issues with friends on FB, but I know she does and she'll rant to everyone. It's just too bad that she is like that.
CC12 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I was more venting at her behavior. Ah. Carry on, then! Thanks for clarifying. Sorry about your friend.
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