jnel921 Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 When I met my husband over 2 years ago he was living alone and his daughter was living withhis ex-wife in anither state. When we finally decided that he would be moving in with me his ex was deployed to iraq and his daughter wound up having to move in also. This was extremely tough for me because I had 2 yound children at the time. 5 and 6. and his daughter was 14...which was a whole other ballgame for me. I wish that I could say things were smooth...they weren't. Her habits were nasty and I was constantly arguing with her father about her bahavior. She is extremely selfish and spoiled where my kids are not. My husband was defending that behavior and it caused major problems between us. After the ex came back we sent her back...Our relationship was on shaky ground but my Husband who was my fiance at the time suggested we go ahead and marry. We eloped two months after she left and then the ex called talking about a military school in TX she needed to attend for 7 months and that she would need a few more months to find work. So that meant once again taking in the daughter. I wasnt happy about this...But I felt like there was nothing I could say...Its his daugher. Its been 5 months since she is here and she is supposed to finish the school year here which means she will leave in June. Its been very hard for me because I feel that she does not respect me or my home like she should and even maltreats my kids. Once again when I approach the subject with my husband he shuts me down and doesn't want to hear it. I am at a point where I have shut down and dont want anything to do with her or him. I hate feeling like the evil stepmother...but I need time to grow into dealing with teens...Its easier dealing with Barbie and Toy issues....I hate deaing with this person who is 16, has a boyfriend and is already thinking about sex. I truly feel this experience has put a wedge in my marriage...She leaves in June...But i am fearful that there will be nothing left of my marriage to hold on to. The anger, resentment and hurt feelings keep me away from my own home. Thats not good. Someone please talk to me. I don't know what to do or how to feel.
Brookiedoll87 Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Hi-- i know you have to be stressed out dealing with a teenager thats not your own. I have no experience in that section, but at my school, i play a part in Counseling--Talk to her- You all three need to sit down and talk about it. Let your husband know you love him very much, and you are not trying to cause a problem but you would feel more comfortable if the fact that it is not her house, was brought to her attention. I am 17-- but how does she feel also? It must be hard for her to leave her mother and come to your house. Although sex is not an issue with me, her father needs to explain the risks involved with intercourse. STDS, HIV, a KID. She's too young to throw her life away and have sex with a boy** she probably wont be with forever. "Don't settle for the one you can live with, settle for the one you cant live without." Basically -- Talk to both of them... When your two is in bed one night,you three sit down and talk about it, explain to her you are not trying to be her mother , and you don't want to be her enemy-- but a friend she can come to when she needs to talk. Let your husband know you are only trying to break the barrier between you and his daughter, and how you think it puts a strain on his and your relationship. Is her conduct only like this when she is at your home, or is she always the way you described her? Rules are made to be followed, and consequences are enforced if rules are broken... set some rules... take away some privileges-- Its only fair since you opened up YOUR home and let Both her father and her in. Let me know how it goes.. Hope things work out for the best !
izzybelle Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 jnel, i think brookiedoll has some advice worth trying. dealing with teenagers, or preteens, isn't easy even when you're their parent. your post caught my eye because my ex is getting married to someone this spring who is 13 years younger than i am and has no kids. and because she has a niece around my kids ages i fear that she thinks she knows what she's getting into. my kids will be 12 and 14 about the time they marry. my kids are great kids, but face it, even the best teens have their moments of disrespect and i really do worry what will happen to my kids the first time they get mouthy to her. i have to think that there's a lot going on with her that is probably being acted out. dad remarried, mom left and was in a dangerous situation, and now mom's leaving again. was she close to her dad even when she was away with her mom? if she's an only child and it has just been her and her mom for a while, that adds another wrinkle to the mix. i think any child would feel abandoned to some extent and some teens have a not so pleasant way of acting that out. not that that's an excuse for her behavior. and unfortunately, many parents don't see their kids' faults as easily as others do from the outside. it would be so easy to just say hang in there it's only a few more months but if it's damaging your relationship with your H, i'm not sure it's something i'd let slide. i'd suggest counseling or a group meeting for the three of you with a counselor, but if her father doesn't acknowledge the difficulties that she's causing it's difficult to say how useful that might be. but still, it might be worth a try. good luck!!!
Author jnel921 Posted December 10, 2004 Author Posted December 10, 2004 For the most part no...She isn't this way all the time..she does try to help out at home. It is the times when there are issues or mistakes where I don't get the support from my husband that I need. Instead of him saying.."okay honey, I'll look into that and find out what the problem is." or maybe check up on what she is doing since he is home there with her most of the time. When we got married they moved into my space. Which I didn't have a problem with. All that I asked was that they keep in shape all of the things that I have worked hard for in my place. So when I go home and I see an inch of dust forming on the TV or wet sticky cups or spoons on my furniture...that bothers me and I will say something. The biggest problem is how my husband addresses all of that. He basically will announce that I am being a grouch and to get over it. I feel totally disrespected and my feelings I hate to say are draining from this hole he has pierced in my heart due to his behavior and lack of understanding. This morning he did the same thing. Said I was being a grounch because I compained that the polish on the furniture looked like greasy finger marks and there are not supposed to be any kind of streaks in it. I was so mad I polished his off duty gun and holster with streaks of baby oil. I told him maybe then will he understand how I fel about my stuff. I was then so enraged I basically told him that he and his daughter can **** off and left for work.
Author jnel921 Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Well school is almost about to end and the year visit is winding down.... Since the last post things did improve somewhat. The one thing I am most looking forward to is not really her leaving but my time alone at home. My husband and I still have discussions regarding his daughter but he is careful not to upset me. Since she has been with us she has been sleeping in the livingroom on the sofabed. Its a room that has been taken over and I have not been able to enjoy in almost a year. I am sure that she is missing her mom... Her mom has now re-located to Missouri and is going to re-marry. I'm not sure how my stepdaughter feels about all of this but I know that she has been bounced around too many times for someone her age. I have not been able to travel...So once next month is here I will be making some plans. There is nothing like ME time... I need it.
RecordProducer Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Dear Jnel, My ex-husband had an 18-month old daughter when we started living together. His wife (her mom) died in a car accident. I think my situation was much worse as he expected from me to replace her mother and take care of her. I was a 23-year old girl who wanted romance and love and got a 34-year old widow with a child who treated me as a baby-sitter. I got pregnant very soon after we started living together. He spent most of his spare time with her. Nothing was left of the romance part. It was always her, her, and only her... He knew I was jealous of her, we fought a lot about her, and he was disappointed that I didn't love his child. The thing is, the step-parent is pissed off, but the parent of the child is hurt that his partner doesn't love his child. Imagine if your husband couldn't stand your kids from your previous marriage. It would hurt you a lot, right? Anyhow, I had twins with him. When they were only two weeks old, he packed his bags and left. Prior to that he spent a whole week playing with his daughter in another part of the apartment and paid no attention to me or the kids. He knew that I would eventually complain about it and as soon as I said the first word, he started arguing and left. I kept bringing him back. Finally after a few months or so, I suggested that he leaves his daughter at his parents' place (they lived a mile away from us) and I told him he could spend as much time as he wants with her. I was thinking if I just didn't look at her in my home (we lived at my mom's place cuz the babies were small) I would be happy. But I wasn't happy. He was spending a lot of time with her and treated me bad. He kept leaving us. One day I suggested that we rent an apartment and try and live all together. We tried. It was good for a month then I fell into deep depression. I just couldn't stand his daughter. The girl was growing up and she was the worst child I've ever seen. We split for the last time when the twins were 2 years old. Now they are 6.5. His daughter will turn 9 in September. She still is a bad child. Her father (my ex) told me that they fight all the time. It has to be her way ALWAYS. If not, she starts crying and whining. She has to have all she wants. When we were living together once she lied that I beat her, which was a lie, of course. I couldn't stand her guts and she didn't love me either. Since we split I've been very nice to her whenever I see her. She pretends to be nice to me too and then she tells my kids that their mother and grandmother are stupid bitches (me and my mom). My boys hate her too although they spend a lot of time with her. I've never talked against her in front of them as she is just a child that is not guilty of being born with bad genes and as soon as I stopped living with her, I stopped hating her. After the divorce I decided that I don't want a man with a child even though I have two of them. I found one who loves my kids and they love him very much. He is a kid type of person and my boys found their idol in him. They adore him. It's easy to love kids who adore you. The worst combination is definitely a stepmother-stepdaughter one, because of the huge amount of subconscious jealousy involved. Perhaps things will change when the two of you get used to each other. Don't complain about her under any circumstances. Fathers are deaf before complaints about their daughters! And that you've already experienced. You have to treat her right if you want your husband to love you. Otherwise your marriage is condemned to failure. If you talk to him against her, he will hate you, no matter how obvious it is that you're right and no matter how much in her favor it is that she does what you say. Be extremely kind to her and stay on aside. It's HIS daughter, not yours so you're not obligated to worry about her. You can show him that you worry about her and he will appreciate that, but don't confront her. Every time you nag her, he feels sorry for her and he loves you less. After my experience I know that the only two options are to either accept the child completely and or divorce. And you don't want to get divorced, right? My ex and I divorced because of her, but she was only 4 years old then. The good news is, she is going to this school, her mother might eventually take her back, she will either go to college or find a job, and after 18 she will most likely not live with you. So this is a temporary situation. I completely understand how you feel, better than anyone here and I know that she is ruining the honeymoon years of your marriage. You will never again be where you are now, but life's a bitch. There's nothing you can do. Don't hate your husband after she leaves. It's really his daughter and he is having a hard time also. He assumes that you - as the adult - will understand him and he doesn't want his daughter to be jealous of you. Try to put yourself in a situation like his, if he had the feelings you have for his daughter toward your children, how would you feel? It doesn't matter that you think your children are much better, because he loves his daughter just as much you love your children. About the space she took, it wasn't her choice. You made the choice to let your husband in your house and now it's his house too, but you seem to have a problem with that. What if the situation was reverse, if you moved into his house and he felt like you're taking his space over? I don't see why you fight with him over dust and stuff like that. She is just 16. She didn't clean the dust before you hooked up with her dad, why would she do it now? Plus you say she helps around the house. Will you be mad at your children if the TV has dust on it when they're 16? It's good to ask everyone to clean the mess after themselves, but you really sound like not a very friendly room mate. You also need to adjust to the new situation as it was your choice. I think this is all about you being jealous of her which is completely natural and understandable, but should be controllable if you want to preserve the marriage.
lilmoma1973 Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 hey all i know what you all are feeling my h won't disipline his son and thinks he is a "good son"!! we argue about ss not doing anything around the house and when he does when it benefits him going somewhere.. im so sick of this situation!! it isn't fair that daughter has rules and ss doesn't by the way he lives her with us full time.. daughter is ours .. he said he don't understand why daughter doesn't listen to him.. we argue about this situation all the time!! ss now wants h to let him go to the beach with his friend and a new girl that he is dating. i totally disagree and h says to him he will think about it.. the thing is he not suppose to be going anywhere this weekend but that will change he will leave like always ..from my point of view ss has the upper hand and dad lets him..if he was mine he would have alot of changes in his life.. he just turn 15 but has always made his own decisions before asking nothing new
Author jnel921 Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 RP, I really appreciate your advice. Over the course of the 2 years I have given in to alot. I have tolerated alot of stuff because she is his daughter. You are correct when you say how would I feel if he felt the same about my kids..I have put this into thought. I do admit that I am jealous and yes I do feel like my honeymoon years have been taken away. I get upset with my husband over his protection of her even when she is wrong. I get upset when I feel that she needs to learn more responsibilty. The cleaning thing has always been me. My husband knows its important for my health to keep a very clean place. I suffer from Asthma and Severe Allergies. So the answer to your question about the dust on the TV with my own kids is yes...they will have to clean up as well. They do their part right now which is great. They put away their clothes and toys... I appreciate that. My husband knows how I feel. We have discussed it. Yes he is hurt...But he says he understands because when he was with his daughter's mother she had a 4 year old son at the time they married and they never raised him..but over the years at the age of 15 she decides to have him live with them.He said it was hard for him also and that his ex would argue with him all the time over his treatment and lack of love. In my opinion my husband was worse in his treatment of the stepson at the time. This was the cause of his own divorce. I can't say that I have been the evil step-mom. I have been there for his daughter, given her advice and have listened to her problems. Everything I feel I have never voiced to her or have even shown her. I know that this isnt forever and this is what keeps me going. Maybe it would have different if it were permanent. But I already know in my heart we would have been divorced. I know its weird for someone who has kids to not want someone elses. Maybe its age? Maybe I'm tired. I was alone for a long time with my kids...I guess I just want all the attention. Hopefuly the next 6 weeks will go by quickly and I will finally begin a new chapter in my life. I think that there has been some damage done in my marriage because of this. I am really looking forward to seeing how strong this marriage really is after she leaves.
lilmoma1973 Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 hey all i know what you all are feeling my h won't disipline his son and thinks he is a "good son"!! we argue about ss not doing anything around the house and when he does when it benefits him going somewhere.. im so sick of this situation!! it isn't fair that daughter has rules and ss doesn't by the way he lives her with us full time.. daughter is ours .. he said he don't understand why daughter doesn't listen to him.. we argue about this situation all the time!! ss now wants h to let him go to the beach with his friend and a new girl that he is dating. i totally disagree and h says to him he will think about it.. the thing is he not suppose to be going anywhere this weekend but that will change he will leave like always ..from my point of view ss has the upper hand and dad lets him..if he was mine he would have alot of changes in his life.. he just turn 15 but has always made his own decisions before asking nothing new
Author jnel921 Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by lilmoma1973 hey all i know what you all are feeling my h won't disipline his son and thinks he is a "good son"!! we argue about ss not doing anything around the house and when he does when it benefits him going somewhere.. im so sick of this situation!! it isn't fair that daughter has rules and ss doesn't by the way he lives her with us full time.. daughter is ours .. he said he don't understand why daughter doesn't listen to him.. we argue about this situation all the time!! ss now wants h to let him go to the beach with his friend and a new girl that he is dating. i totally disagree and h says to him he will think about it.. the thing is he not suppose to be going anywhere this weekend but that will change he will leave like always ..from my point of view ss has the upper hand and dad lets him..if he was mine he would have alot of changes in his life.. he just turn 15 but has always made his own decisions before asking nothing new You need to talk to your husband and let him know that his son needs to do his part to pick up around the house. This shouldn't be your job. I would get upset when I would come home from work at 6:30pm and find dishes in the sink and the stove and kitchen table dirty...Meanwhile I just walked in and I know that wasn't my mess...Yet I was walking in and seeing this and because my Husband did nothing I found my blood boiling a little hotter and would go ahead and start cleaning as tired as I was...Then I stopped all of that and made myself clear to everyone living under our roof about cleanliness. Now when I get home I expect no messes. As far as the friends thing... 15 is a hard age. My SD likes to see her friends too, but they all live far and she would have to commute to see them or have us drive her back and forth. I refuse to drive her around anywhere after my long workday and gas just costs too much money. How long have you been in his life? Does he respect your feelings and opinions?
lilmoma1973 Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 hey jnel, thanks for your reply.. i already talk to my h till im blue in the face!! we end up arguing and i don't do nothing for ss at all h does it all.. h says im hate his son.. i don't get that .. im told that when i say things like why he gone all weekend.. he comes and goes and he please and wants to say our daughter don't listen well wonder why? why should she when her brother don't have to.. i think its a lost cause and when ss gets in trouble h will regret it .. i so look foward to the day when i don't have to deal with this crap anymore.. so tired and drained from this relationship!! if i could change things i would but then again i would have my beautiful daughter and that i don't regret one bit!!
RecordProducer Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Unfortunately when she leaves, you will feel how beautiful life is, but not him. He will always remember your fights over his daughter. Moreover, the easier your life is after she is gone the more he will realize that his daughter caused all the troubles and the more he will be hurt and resent you. You see it as her standing in between you and your husband, but he sees it as you standing between him and his daughter. Be clever and when she leaves, tell him all the time how much you miss her. That will make his wounds heal. Although you think you're the victim, he feels that he and his daughter are your victims. You will forget this pain as soon as the cause (she) is removed, but he will always carry an open scar because of this. Regarding your relationship with her, whatever a step-parent does is never enough. So don't think that your good intentions count. Only the arguments you start count. And again, I am telling you this from my own experience. Everything I did or said in my ex-step-daughter's favor was ignored. Even if I would say that she can't wear a skirt when it's very cold outside, it was taken as me opposing her, hating her, being only worried that she will catch a cold and transmit it to my sons, and basically "mind your own business, you evil bitch" was all the treatment I was getting silently. The fact that your husband understands how it feels to be a step-parent is not in your favor. It means he knows how it feels when you hate your step-child's guts! One sign you show against his daughter and he already believes you hate her. It's a vicious circle and believe me all you can do to save your marriage is to be extremely nice to her and pretend that you love her. Nothing else works and whatever you do or say will be used against you.
lilmoma1973 Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Hey Record producer, Who are you replying to ????????? I am not talking about my step daughter i don't have one!!! MY DAUGHTER IS MINE AND MY H!!! im confused.....
friend182 Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Hello jnel921, I have been a step mother for about 2 years, let me tell you I hate it. I hate it, and my situation is not even really that bad. My husband's first wife left him and their daughter when their daughter was 4. She remarried and now lives about 100 miles away. My husband was left to raise a daughter and there is a lot of resentment there. He does not like, as he puts it, "being Mama Walton." He is now 45, however when I met him I thought that he was mid to early 30's because he is active and looks young. By the time I found out how old he was I was already in love with him. At the time he was 43 and I was 23. I decided to give it a try. His daughter and I share the same first name. She seemed to think that was really neat and took to me right away. She immediately said that she loved me and would even buy me better Mother's Day/Birthday/Christmas presents that for her own mother. She lives with us and so I have do the "motherly" things. This is the problem. I hate it. I did not realize how much work it would be. I am now 25 and a full time college student. I don't care about talent shows, 4th grade graduation, sleepovers and TASP scores. I know that sounds awful, and one day when I have a child I am sure that I will think that these things are the most wonderful things in the world, but she is not mine. My husband goes to great lengths to put me first and actually is more understanding that I think I would be if I were in his position. But the problem is that I don't like living with a child. I want to do grown up, walk around in your underwear, cuss in you feel like it, talk about what I want to, irresponsible stuff. I guess that is selfish, I just didn't realize how rated G our life would become. I guess all I can say is that I sympathize with you. Most of the fights that my husband and I have are over her. He does not usually take up for her and he will admit that she can be smart mouthed and a pain. However, the fact of the matter is that this is my life and I have to deal with it. Problem is: I DON'T WANT TO!!!!
lilmoma1973 Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 hey friend182, I can so relate to you too..I became a stepmom when my ss was 2 .. It has been really hard being a mom and having to do someone else job and now all i get is static and i am the one who has been there for him and his mom hardly was around ... It doesn't get any better and be prepared for a long and hard road!! I am looked as the bad guy and always on him but before it was ok when he was little and i was taking care of him when moma was too sorry .. Mom is a drunk and a crack head and always have been .. If it wasn't for me he wouldn't be where he was today because dad and mom never really gave much discipline.. My h and i are having problems now because i am instilling in our daughter rules and responsibilty and h says i hate my daughter too!! You can be a friend and a parent to your child but you have to know when to draw the line!! I am much harder on my daughter than my ss because she is mine it is different. My inlaws always causing conflict too saying i do more for my daughter than ss .. my daughter respects me and ss doesn't .. i WILLNOT DO ANYTHING ELSE FOR SS ANYMORE!! If he don't have to listen to me why bother .. It is ok for me to take him where ever but can't tell him what to do !! Sorry im through doing anything for him or going out of the way anymore for him !! I GET TREATED LIKE DIRT AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT SO H AND BIO MOM CAN DO IT IM THROUGH!!
Author jnel921 Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 Well she finally left at the end of last month. My Husband cried and I felt bad. We went home and it was like we were on our honeymoon. He miraculously made love to me twice that day. The weight that has lifted from my shoulders is unexplainable. My kids miss her dearly and I know she misses them also. She has called and spoken to my husband several times and has not asked to speak to me. This hurts my feelings but I haven't said anything to my husband about that. She also left most of the stuff I bought her behind. This upset my husband and I told him from the get go that she really didnt appreciate the things we went out our way to get her. We specifically told her to pack her coat that I bought her and sure enough I found it rolled into a ball and left in the bottom of the closet. At first my husband tried to defend her action saying that she was spoiled. That totally pissed me off. The steam was coming out of my ears. I told him that there was a difference between being spoiled and being ungrateful. You can spoil a child who earns and deserves it and in the end appreciates it. But a child that tosses away the things you sweat to give them...is totally f***d up. I was very offended by her action and told him that I refused to spend another dime on his daughter. I felt like she left that all behind to piss me off. But you know what..I'm over it. I have my space back and I am able to take a deep breath again.
KJW Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 I stumbled onto this discussion on accident but am absolutely amazed at the level of selfishness that exists in this world. Hello??? I seriously doubt that the "stepdaughter" (a name which by itself denotes separation from the rest of the family) planned on having you in her life. All she knows is her Dad was taken from her and delivered into a new family. She had no choice in the matter. She probably felt a little out of control as well. You, on the other hand, went into this with your eyes open. You may not have thought it through. You may have assumed that you were going to remain "step"-free, but you knew he had a daughter. Your language in your posts shows how you think of everything in that house as "yours". How can you blame your husband for not caring what happens if his being there is thought of as an intrusion. Face it, in your perfect world, the daughter (and that's what she deserves to be called) would not exist and your husband would have his complete time to devote to you and your family. But that isn't what you married. When you marry someone, if they already have children, you marry the whole family, not just the man. Now, don't get me wrong. The marraige always comes first, but you are going to have to adjust how you think of your "new" daughter if you have any chance of making your marriage work.
Recommended Posts