ArtIsDumbLetsDance Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I consider myself a rather rugged, handsome guy. I have a great education and have burgeoning career as a modern artist/street artist. I also am a frontman for a popular local punk band and a day job where I work at a private school working directly with high school age kids. Confidence has always been an issue for me, with women and also may be a reason why I'm in my upper 30's and still consider myself emerging as opposed to established. I just don't enjoy giving myself a lot of credit to others. I've often been smarter than most and usually the trait of clinical depression is something that comes with, which I assure you does so with a vengenance in my case. I can say that to you all because I get to have a certain anonymity here on the interwebs. But I also have a big heart where it's my wish to let as many great people in as possible, am frighteningly loyal to my friends and family, I keep myself in great shape from my days as a college wrestler but mostly I pride myself on being there for everyone and giving love, all types of it, wherever I can to those that deserve it. For both reasons known and unknown I've always had a rough and harrowing time with women. I've dated so many that treated me poorly, cheated on me in epic "Dear Penthouse Forum" manners. I must admit that in my 20's I was considered a pushover, one of those WAY too nice fellows. In fact, I can actually there's only 2 women that have been in my life that never cheated on me. I'm grateful for the bad ones, however. Because of them I finally developed a backbone and it's much easier to stand up for myself and be my own singular man. I had finally gotten used to, in my 30's, being alone and developed my own theories on tenants of manhood and started enjoying being in my own skin. And then Emma came into my life. Emma is not her real name, but her real name is sacred to me now and also wish to protect her anonymity. She was it. She was everything I searched for and wanted in a woman. She gave and gave and gave and never wanted anything from me except my love. Likewise from me. We just wanted to give to each other. She was also hilarious, brilliant, passionate, mischeivious, sexually liberated and always told me how proud of me she was of me. She was some kind of exotic animal. We fought of course. But we always talked it out and never went to bed angry. Arguments never were made personal. She was my co-collaborator. She believed in me and I believed in her. It was love. Love at first sight. I know it was because I don't believe in love at first sight. It was something that bad writers invented so that teenagers will buy books. But this was love at first sight. She was also wounded as I was. A mother of 3 and scorned by two men before me that cheated on her or introduced her to drugs. She had fought through a hard life and came out of the bad stuff an amazing, angelic, passionate woman. And I was going to stay with her till we were both old and grey. And she was as excited about it as I was. We found what we were looking for. She died on a Tuesday, from liver failure, separated from me, by a family that did not want me there because she never told them about me, afraid that they would ruin me. Sometimes the demons, if they want you, they will take you. Nearly one year later, I'm alone. A changed man. When I'm not around people or ensconced in work, I'm either crying, listening to her songs that I couldn't stand but loved because they made her happy or drinking. But usually all three at once. I've tried to find other women because I can hear telling me to be happy and rubbing my shoulders to console me. To go be happy because I deserve it and it will make her happy too. And yes, I got kind of excited about one woman I met that shared this same experience. But she seems to stop talking to me once I hinted at this being something. Honestly, I hear it said and I read that women want a man to show vulnerability. When I do show this vulnerability, I'm suddenly treated as a broken toy, a water pistol from the Island of Misfit Toys that shoots grape jelly. One that no one really wants. Overall, lately, this, all this, everything over the past year has affected my apperance. My attitude. One where I just keep to myself, guarding my Harp, High Life or whiskey like the NSA will come take it at any moment now. People I meet it's now for work, where I have to make a good impression. For pleasure, for making new friends, I don't give out much. Not nearly the sparkling, gregarious conversationalist I once was. I just cannot be bothered. Most women I've met since Emma died have been gorgeous but horrible and vapid or wonderful women with insanely jealous husbands or boyfriends. I'm too old and too impatient to play this game anymore. I just want my girl back. But......yeah. She's not coming back. I don't tell new people in my life about all that happened, of course. Nor do I compare these women, or any woman to Emma. They are both horribly unfair things to do to people. But the reconciling the pain of loss with the fact I am an older man with fading features, looks and personality where society demands physical perfection (Thank you, Sex and the City and Cosmo) and the fact that I no longer have a sliver of patience for the courting and wooing of any possible romantic interest, shows me that Emma was it for me. And that I will end up alone. While I watch the world around me pair up and fall in love, knowing that my one chance has come and gone. And that once I held the perfect woman (for me) in my arms. It's become so much to bear. I will get replies to this telling me to be a man and deal with it, I'm almost sure. All I know is, is that life doesn't go on. Not in the way we knew it before our loss. After the loss, you have to forge an entirely new life without that person that once turned your entire world upside down. It's the only I've done and not gone completely insane or have put myself into the ground. If you think me less of a man, I care not. You can't hurt me. No one can. I've already felt the worst possible pain I will ever experience. I miss her. Everyday. Living should be enough, but it isn't it. I don't know where to go.
Philosoraptor Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I'm very sorry to hear all that you have went through. When reading it seems that you are having a hard time getting (or even allowing) through the grieving process. You're also obviously depressed and attempting to use both alcohol and others to fill that void in your life. All I can suggest is that you seek counseling through yourself so you can get through the grieving process in a healthy way, and wish you well on your journey to health and future happiness.
AnnaAnna Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I am so sorry for your loss. Emma would want you to be happy again and I know in time you will be.
Omei Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 How you talked about your love for this woman had my heart pumping. Sorry for your loss When you're happy again, someone will come your way maybe not anytime soon I personally think a year of mourning after a close death is natural, But look at you, you're still working! That is good. Don't worry about looks and what not I am a gorgeous lady that's fallen for a near 300 pound guy all for his personality and how he made me feel. (He's now an old ex tho mutual breakup) There are people out there that will see your inner beauty and everything about you will become beautiful to them. I hope things will change for you someday and you find all the happiness in the world.
Author ArtIsDumbLetsDance Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Thanks for the kind words of condolence everyone. To the person that suggested I stop drinking for a bit, may have something there. I've never shown any signs of alcoholism and have always had a nice responsible balance. But I do love a beer. However, I've noticed that since I started a new position at work which requires me to be on call a lot of the time, I don't get to get out much. When I do meet up with my friends, I end up becoming a little irrational over time. Watching guys hit mercilessly on my female friends. Watching couples hold hands and canoodle. It all makes me so angry and distraught that she isn't here with me, physically. If I'm not careful, the emotions can take over and make believe things, in that I'm not good enough, or I'm too old or my body's falling apart or the modern idealization what of a man is has passed me by. Or that "Emma" was the only one that was meant for me and that only she could see through me and fall in love with me for it. Try as I might. Live as I might. I cannot seem to shake her. Not sure if I want to. There's so much of me that believes that she was the last miraculous, perfect woman available. Perfect for me that is.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I'm so sorry. I haven't gone through exactly what you have. I think with acceptance comes a sadness that never leaves. I don't think it will ever be the same. I hope you find something that brings you joy or peace.
Marine0311 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I am sorry about your loss and hope I can help you here. My situation may be different than yours, but it somewhat relates. I served a tour in Afghanistan as a Marine Corps Infantryman, specifically a rifleman in a line company (my job is too find the enemy and give them a fight in layman's terms.) While in Afghanistan we encountered a lot of casualties. In a 7 month span 31 Marines were killed and 111 wounded. Half of the wounded were amputees from IED blasts, RPG attacks, and grenades. I knew most of the men as we were all in the same 160 man company, but a select few of them were my brothers. I watched my best friend Wallace get killed. Like you, I was instantly changed after that. I finished my tour, finished my time in the Marine Corps, and moved back home. I was going to college and working, but was absolutely depressed on the inside. I ruined a relationship with my ex, scared away my friends, and alienated any new friends. I was a complete and utter wreck from Wallace's death and the war that still lives with me to this day. I am sure you feel this too, you wakeup every morning and feel you have no purpose on this earth, you have no self motivation for self improvement, and you feel as you are alone in this world and nobody understands you. You feel as if the life you once had with Emma is unattainable and you're doomed till death. The best advice I was given was by an old Vietnam veteran. He told me I need to live my life for my brothers who can no longer live theirs. You need to keep living your life in memory of her and youll be happy again. Keep pushing everyday, its an uphill battle
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