Coping, setbacks, and success

[Oldcatskinner]

Good morning, LS

 

Throughout my time on this forum, I've seen many of you through your posts in various stages of heartbreak-just like me. I'd like to share more of my journey with you. This post is a little long-winded.

 

The other night, I was thinking about the upcoming holiday season, and my thoughts turned to my ex. I started thinking about Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and the meanings behind these holidays (to me). During these thoughts, I thought "What can I do to let her know I have accepted the breakup, and I'm at peace with her." Should I write a letter? Phone call? Email?

 

After many minutes of deliberation, I asked myself questions:

 

What is the reason behind the contact?

What would you benefit from contact?

What would you do if she answered or not answered?

 

 

So I answered these questions.

 

The reason I would want to contact her is that I would want her to know that I still care about her as a person, and wish her success, and make peace with her.

 

The benefit would be that she would know that I have moved on and am doing fine.

 

If she answered, I would continue contact, and if she didn't answer, I don't know.

 

So from my answers, I decided "no". Here's why.

 

As the dumpee, I wrote her an apology shortly after our breakup to address things I had done wrong. I didn't ask for a reply in the letter, but I called her a few days later asking if she had received it. No reply.

 

For the next three weeks I would call once a week, and no reply. Her silence was loud. It was clear she didn't want to speak with me.

 

Moving on to the reason for contact; I figured it would be a thoughtful gift to let her know how I was doing with this whole ordeal. This just sounded silly at that point, because I thought that if the roles were reversed, and it was me that was the dumper, I would think that after (at the holiday season) 8 months and they contact me is a clear sign that they are not over me, and I would not reply. So the best gift I can give her is the respect to let her live her life, and the best gift I can give myself is to make peace with the situation as I have. She doesn't need to know about me giving her this gift.

 

Also, I thought about what if she were to reply, and it was pleasant or unpleasant. If pleasant, I know myself enough that I would continue contact with her, and historically this has led to visits, then "let's be friends", then to a relationship. I don't know if this would happen again, but I do know that I am physically attracted to her in a way that I have never been with another girl. So to conclude this thought, I don't want to go down this path again. Should the reply be unpleasant, I would be able to move on, but with the possible bitter memory of her. I don't want this, as this would hamper me making my peace.

 

I know that we are or have experienced heartbreak and that is what has led us to this site; to rid ourselves of it. I am posting this because I felt it a great deal to share with you my thinking process. Please do not look at the end result of my decisions and copy paste them to your situation. Your situations may be different. It is the thinking process that has led me to my decisions that is of importance. My heart is in the right place, but my head keeps my desires within bounds, and I feel that I am in sync once again.

 

Goodnight,

 

OCS

[joe86]

Great post. Even if it's something you know, I always find reading things helps you understand/learn things.