That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) I am currently dating (or seeing) a divorced man whom wishes to keep things casual with me. He is a relative of my best friend's and I've always had a little crush on him. About four months ago, I had seen him at a party and we exchanged phone numbers. I was seeing someone at the time but I` knew it would never work so I ended up breaking up with him and seeing my friend's cousin. He had been pestering me the whole time about breaking up with my boyfriend because he could tell that I was unhappy, so I eventually did (which I would have done anyway). But I was excited about him, I knew that the second I was single again, I would want to see him and become intimate with him. Which is exactly what happened. I began seeing him about 2 weeks after I broke up with the other dude. Initially I had no expectations and just wanted to have fun with him. This man is almost forty, and I am in my late twenties. The age thing wouldn't have bothered me if it weren't for the fact that he is divorced because his ex-wife cheated on him and married the other dude. He now has a general disdain toward marriage, commitment, love, and all that good stuff. My friend told me to stay away from him because he is "damaged goods". I generally take her advice pretty seriously because we have known each other for a really long time. But I didn't think that I would actually end up developing feelings for him. I typically see him once a week, and we have the BEST sex I have ever had in my entire life. The night usually begins with him picking me up in his expensive car, bringing me to his beautiful huge house, and going down on me until I orgasm. Oh...and he lets me call him "daddy". I have EVER conceived of myself as a superficial person. I am a self-sufficient woman, and I have a good job and can provide for myself. But something about this man and his 5-star treatment is addictive. Men my age typically aren't able to spoil me like this and it's something that I've never really experienced before. The problem is that my friend keeps warning me not to get attached. He himself has told me that he really likes me, but doesn't want me to get attached because he doesn't want a relationship. I was fine with this in the beginning but our connection is more than just physical at this point. I think I'm falling for him big-time. He is so funny, and exciting, and I'm really inspired by him every time I talk to him. I told my shrink about him and she flat out asked me if I had any self-respect. I am so confused. He has told me that I'm too good for him anyway, and that he is going to wind up a lonely old man. I don't feel like he disrespects me in any way. He is giving me what I want- minus the commitment. I had a boyfriend for 5 months shortly before him that gave me the commitment without the passion, or the intellectual intimacy that this current man is giving me. I don't know what to do. I think eventually I am going to get hurt, but everything is just so good right now. I have so much fun with this man, but he is just so jaded. I feel bad for him too! I think he is so great that it's a shame he won't open himself up to anyone. But i know I can't change that. Do I need to end this? I am not fooling myself, I know he probably won't ever want to be in a relationship with me. I am well aware of his limitations. But it is just really nice to be with a man that understands me, for once. Even when we aren't having sex, he is very affectionate with me. He told me how beautiful I am because I "feel everything so much". I realize how stupid I sound writing this. I am 28, I know where this is going. Edited October 1, 2013 by That_girl 1
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Well let's see how much he spoils you in 25 years when you're changing his diapers..... 1
cif Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Drop your shrink, he sounds very judgemental. Typically when you're fwb with someone and start developing feelings you need to cut ties until the feelings are gone. You will end up very hurt if you don't. Tell him the truth you caught feelings then go NC.. and when he's ready to commit to contact but only then.
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Thanks for the response Cif. I don't know how at my age and with all of my experience with "damaged goods"...I still feel like if I hang on a little longer, I can change his mind. I know that this is just wishful thinking though.
BluEyeL Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 We need Ninja here to say how things are. You are going to get hurt, you should stop seeing him. He is never going to change his mind. But I know you'll still do whatever you want anyway. I'm sorry.
lollipopspot Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Well let's see how much he spoils you in 25 years when you're changing his diapers..... 65 year olds typically don't wear diapers. There's only about a decade age difference between them. It isn't that bad. Oh, and what the hell is up with wanting to call him "daddy?"
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I was just joking around, not being serious. Didn't catch the part about calling him "daddy........
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 LOL Why the heck not call him "daddy"?
lollipopspot Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Hey, if it works for you, go for it But to me it sounds incestuous or as though you're looking for a daddy, not an equal partner. I can't imagine a guy I'm having sex with calling me "mommy!" In fact I'd be extremely weirded out by it!
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 You could be on to something. I never had a daddy growing up.
lollipopspot Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Oh. That seems very sad the way that you say that. It's very hard for another adult to meet an unmet childhood need. Especially in this case, as this guy may only be around for fun but not a committed relationship. I would be concerned that this will make the eventual breakup of the relationship even harder.
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 You could be on to something. I never had a daddy growing up. Jeeze.....that makes it way creepier. 4
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I just thought of it as dirty talk, that's all. I've never actually called anyone else that. But yes, I think at this point it is already going to be difficult calling it off. We've been seeing each other for almost 4 months. I just don't understand why it is almost always the case that women get attached. It infuriates me to think that I am sitting here developing feelings for this guy, and he just doesn't care. He did tell me that he really likes a lot and to be honest, I can tell that he does. But his outright dismissal of being in a relationship is really starting to tick me off. I'm the one with daddy issues! LOL But I am trying not to let my past dictate my future. I just wish he would do the same.
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 He asked me to call him daddy- wasn't my idea! I guess if you are someone that actually referred to your own father as "daddy" it would undoubtedly remind you of your own dad. Which is really gross. But I've never called anyone daddy before so I guess it doesn't creep me out as much.
cif Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I just thought of it as dirty talk, that's all. I've never actually called anyone else that. But yes, I think at this point it is already going to be difficult calling it off. We've been seeing each other for almost 4 months. I just don't understand why it is almost always the case that women get attached. It infuriates me to think that I am sitting here developing feelings for this guy, and he just doesn't care. He did tell me that he really likes a lot and to be honest, I can tell that he does. But his outright dismissal of being in a relationship is really starting to tick me off. I'm the one with daddy issues! LOL But I am trying not to let my past dictate my future. I just wish he would do the same. If he really likes you and doesnt want to lose you then he will come back when you cut him off. You won't be able to force him to magically develop feelings not there. He's already made up his mind to just fool around, nothing more. Men develop attachments also. The difference is they are able to compartmentalize better than us. So they can separate sex from emotion.
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 He asked me to call him daddy- wasn't my idea! I guess if you are someone that actually referred to your own father as "daddy" it would undoubtedly remind you of your own dad. Which is really gross. But I've never called anyone daddy before so I guess it doesn't creep me out as much. The weird thing about it is the age difference and the fact that your father wasn't around. Whatever floats your boat. Like he's trying to take the role of your dad, except with sex.
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 He is not that much older! Certainly not old enough to be my father. It's just a fantasy, he doesn't ask me to call him "daddy" every single time. It's just dirty talk- not a big deal. (to me anyway) I wish I had never mentioned it, because it is insignificant to my actual issue here.
veggirl Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Is he having sex with other people? Are you? You should be dating others, why are you investing ALL of your time and energy into this guy who flat out is never going to give you more? He would have by now if he was ever going to. And when you're all impressed with the money and swagger, remember that EVERY girl he f*cks he is getting the same treatment because he can easily dole it out without effort. So it's not special, at all. Why did you even START things with him knowing he wasn't going to ever want more? Have you NEVER had a FWB before? It always ends disasterously, you're 28 and this should be a KNOWN thing to you by now, even if you haven't had a FWB surely you've had friends who have. Getting into crap like this is something young 20s girls do, you're a grown woman and really should have known better. What was your initial intentions, just sex? C'mon! 2
salparadise Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I just thought of it as dirty talk, that's all. I've never actually called anyone else that. But yes, I think at this point it is already going to be difficult calling it off. We've been seeing each other for almost 4 months. I just don't understand why it is almost always the case that women get attached. It infuriates me to think that I am sitting here developing feelings for this guy, and he just doesn't care. He did tell me that he really likes a lot and to be honest, I can tell that he does. But his outright dismissal of being in a relationship is really starting to tick me off. I'm the one with daddy issues! LOL But I am trying not to let my past dictate my future. I just wish he would do the same. He asked me to call him daddy- wasn't my idea! I guess if you are someone that actually referred to your own father as "daddy" it would undoubtedly remind you of your own dad. Which is really gross. But I've never called anyone daddy before so I guess it doesn't creep me out as much. We all use the image of our opposite sex parent as a template for who we're attracted to, it's just that for most people it remains subconscious. It's probably not coincidental that your own father was literally unavailable and that you've chosen a man who is emotionally unavailable, yet with the ability and willingness to provide and take care of you materialistically. I don't see the age difference as being such big a deal, nor the fact that you playfully acknowledge the daddy image as a sexual fantasy kind of thing. The problem is that you are almost certainly seeking to be made whole with regard to restoration of the missing part of you that was split off from your childhood experience, and he is explicitly unable/unwilling to provide that. You are mirroring your painful childhood experience too literally. You are attracted because he matches your father imago, including the unavailability and zero relationship aspects. The close match makes him seem like the person who has the ability to give you what you need, yet it's exactly the same thing that makes him unable to give you what you need. It's a catch 22 so to speak. The ideal situation and fulfillment of your yearnings would be for him to suddenly come to the realization that he does want a wonderful, full relationship with you, and to do the hard work of transforming himself into a loving, expressive, devoted man who values your relationship above all else. But from what you have said it doesn't seem likely. You can't convert him into someone he is not simply because it's what you need. He would have to come to that realization on his own. If he's not willing to try the chances are zero. What should you do? If you really are nothing more than a booty call to him you are setting yourself up for a hard fall and it would be better to exit sooner rather than later. But if he's a feeling, caring kind of person and he's just holding back against his natural instincts, then perhaps it's not altogether hopeless. But just using the word relationship or girlfriend is not going to make it golden––he'd have to become emotionally available and that's a significant transformation. It probably can't happen without professional help, and maybe not even then with help. I'm with cif on this one––tell him it's over unless he wants more than a booty call and let the chips fall where they may. What you don't want is to be hopelessly stuck on him due to the imago match while he thinks of you as an accessory... the sexual equivalent of his nice car. 1
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Yes while FWB is not something I typically do, I KNOW that this is usually the case. I have had other FWB's in the past, but I never developed feelings for them. They were typically people that I just wanted to f*ck and that's it! I agreed to this because I didn't think I would develop feelings for him, but it happened - I'm human after all. Anyway, rather than passing judgments... does anyone have any suggestions about how I should end it? I don't want to sound hurt because he did disclose the details at the beginning. I also don't want him to think I'm trying to change his mind.
salparadise Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 ...does anyone have any suggestions about how I should end it? I don't want to sound hurt because he did disclose the details at the beginning. I also don't want him to think I'm trying to change his mind. Just be honest about it. You have no reason to do otherwise. Tell him you're starting to develop feelings, therefore if all he wants is sex then it's time for you to move on. Just be matter of fact about it. That leaves the door open should he change his mind, and you don't need to make it sound like it's a big deal to you otherwise. 2
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Thank you for the advice. I think that's probably the best approach. Although I don't really want to end the "fun", I think the risks far outweigh the benefits. I get so frustrated when so many other my age are more than happy to enter into these sort of arrangements. I wish I could too. I think there is the potential to get hurt in ANY relationship, but I guess the likelihood is greater in these FWB situations.
stillafool Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 He is not that much older! Certainly not old enough to be my father. It's just a fantasy, he doesn't ask me to call him "daddy" every single time. It's just dirty talk- not a big deal. (to me anyway) I wish I had never mentioned it, because it is insignificant to my actual issue here. Your original post said "he lets me call him daddy" which to me sounded like something you wanted and he let you do it. I agree with Salparadise that part or most of this attraction is related to your unavailable father. I don't think your age is that far from his and do not see that as the reason he will not commit. Maybe he still isn't over his ex wife and didn't receive the proper closure from what she put him through. I agree with Veggirl that at 28 you know a FWB situation when you see it and you admit you've had them. I don't see why it's so hard for you to understand why he won't commit.
Author That_girl Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 It's not "hard for me to understand". I understand why he can't..or won't. I have accumulated my own share of issues that have coloured my own perceptions of being a committed relationship, so I get where he is coming from. I guess I just hoped that this time would be a little different because of the fact that I know we both have feelings for each other. I have had "sex" with more than a few people in my lifetime, and I know what emotionless sex feels like. This just isn't it. He even let in slip one time (during sex) how perfect we were together. I have been in committed relationships that didn't feel nearly as good as this. But he is telling me what his limitations are. At this point, I'm not in love with him or anything but I do have strong feelings for him. Which is why I'm here. But I get the sense that most people can't just "enjoy the moment" when they begin developing feelings for a person.
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