whathearts Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I have a girlfriend and I really love her. We're happy about 50% of the time and I dream of a life with her. I have all these plans for us. Before we got together, I had an encounter with this woman who was on vacation from abroad. I really liked her and she liked me too. If she wasn't on vacation only, I think we would have pursued a relationship together. As it was, she left, I started dating other people and eventually met my girlfriend. Fast forward several months later, I'm dating my girlfriend and am completely in love with her. Our relationship isn't perfect and I'm missing a lot of things. I feel like our love is unequal and sometimes she feels distant and cold towards me. But I'm not willing to give her up because in terms of physical and intellectual characteristics she's everything I've been looking for in a woman. Then the woman from abroad returned for vacation again. We had agreed to be platonic since I had a girlfriend and we decided to meet for coffee. On my way there I honestly didn't think anything would happen. But when we got together it was like an old flame reigniting. We went back to her hotel and had sex. She knew about the girlfriend and before we did it she said, "But what about her? I can stop." But I told her, "Don't stop." Now I'm wracked with guilt. I can't lose her. I don't think I'll ever tell her. I had assumed it would be a one-time thing, but the woman from abroad asked me, "If I came back will this happen again?" I said no, and she said, "Why?" I said because it was cheating, and she said "But I'm the exception to the rule." I've never cheated on my girlfriend before and I'll never cheat on her again with anyone else but when it comes to this woman my resolve just crumbles. I guess my question is, is cheating ever justified? I'm totally prepared for the "you are a horrible human being and you deserve to be left" type of comments but I just want to know what others think.
CarrieT Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I guess my question is, is cheating ever justified? Nope. You weren't thinking with your heart, you were thinking with your penis. 2
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I have a girlfriend and I really love her. We're happy about 50% of the time and I dream of a life with her. I have all these plans for us. Before we got together, I had an encounter with this woman who was on vacation from abroad. I really liked her and she liked me too. If she wasn't on vacation only, I think we would have pursued a relationship together. As it was, she left, I started dating other people and eventually met my girlfriend. Fast forward several months later, I'm dating my girlfriend and am completely in love with her. Our relationship isn't perfect and I'm missing a lot of things. I feel like our love is unequal and sometimes she feels distant and cold towards me. But I'm not willing to give her up because in terms of physical and intellectual characteristics she's everything I've been looking for in a woman. Then the woman from abroad returned for vacation again. We had agreed to be platonic since I had a girlfriend and we decided to meet for coffee. On my way there I honestly didn't think anything would happen. But when we got together it was like an old flame reigniting. We went back to her hotel and had sex. She knew about the girlfriend and before we did it she said, "But what about her? I can stop." But I told her, "Don't stop." Now I'm wracked with guilt. I can't lose her. I don't think I'll ever tell her. I had assumed it would be a one-time thing, but the woman from abroad asked me, "If I came back will this happen again?" I said no, and she said, "Why?" I said because it was cheating, and she said "But I'm the exception to the rule." I've never cheated on my girlfriend before and I'll never cheat on her again with anyone else but when it comes to this woman my resolve just crumbles. I guess my question is, is cheating ever justified? I'm totally prepared for the "you are a horrible human being and you deserve to be left" type of comments but I just want to know what others think. How is cheating ever justified? The fact you have to ask that makes me lol. I don't judge....but if you don't tell her, your relationship will continue to be built on a lie. Just my .02. As a man, I'm not pleased how were being represented in this thread. Grow balls and man up for your mistake. 3
Author whathearts Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 i'm a girl. not that that changes anything i guess.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Ah gotcha......well still same rules apply. 3
HorseLuck Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Fast forward several months later, I'm dating my girlfriend and am completely in love with her. Our relationship isn't perfect and I'm missing a lot of things. I feel like our love is unequal and sometimes she feels distant and cold towards me. But I'm not willing to give her up because in terms of physical and intellectual characteristics she's everything I've been looking for in a woman. Then the woman from abroad returned for vacation again. We had agreed to be platonic since I had a girlfriend and we decided to meet for coffee. On my way there I honestly didn't think anything would happen. But when we got together it was like an old flame reigniting. We went back to her hotel and had sex. She knew about the girlfriend and before we did it she said, "But what about her? I can stop." But I told her, "Don't stop." Now I'm wracked with guilt. I can't lose her. I don't think I'll ever tell her. I had assumed it would be a one-time thing, but the woman from abroad asked me, "If I came back will this happen again?" I said no, and she said, "Why?" I said because it was cheating, and she said "But I'm the exception to the rule." I've never cheated on my girlfriend before and I'll never cheat on her again with anyone else but when it comes to this woman my resolve just crumbles. I guess my question is, is cheating ever justified? I'm totally prepared for the "you are a horrible human being and you deserve to be left" type of comments but I just want to know what others think. No, cheating is never justified. If you don't tell her your guilt is going to consume you. Better to fess up now instead of letting time go by. I do believe karma comes right back around. You said you'd never cheat on her again, but your resolve crumbles around this woman? Contradiction. What if she comes back? You lacked the self-control now. You can't have your cake and eat it too. It doesn't sound like you're truly in love with your girlfriend. 2
Omei Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Tbh when someone loves someone the thought of cheating never really crosses their mind and if they do start to wonder they talk it out or leave the relationship. Cheating and not telling them is wrong its a total lie and a disrespectful slap in the face someone that never comes clean is just someone that walks around pretending to be who their partner thinks they are when in fact they are not that anymore, you are in fact wasting their time on a choice they should be able to make.. "Can I trust this person again is this who I want to be with?" 2
ScienceGal Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Sorry, I love idioms. Time to face the music = yes, tell her, and be prepared for any outcome. 1
organizedchaos Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 So I should tell her? If you want to end the relationship. Otherwise, no and never do it again. If you can't commit to that, then tell her and let her go. 1
Author whathearts Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 We have a lot of problems about her attitude (namely the fact that she's very often emotionally unavailable) but still I'm not willing to let her go to find someone else because I love her. I'd rather satisfy my needs elsewhere than suffer / let her go. i don't know what to do anymore.
ScienceGal Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 This sounds a lot more like selfishness than love. You're implying that you might cheat long term. That's so unfair to her. 2
samsungxoxo Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Just the fact that the woman from aboard had to ask you before having sex with her if she can stop and you replied ''Don't stop'' tells me how committed you were at that moment. You knew there was something wrong, weren't drunk and still decided to cheat. I think you should just break up with your gf and not mention anything about what you did. You said it yourself that you're only happy 50% of the time and that you're missing a lot of things in the relationship. That doesn't seem like love to me and if it is that's not the type of love I would want from a man. 2
samsungxoxo Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 We have a lot of problems about her attitude (namely the fact that she's very often emotionally unavailable) but still I'm not willing to let her go to find someone else because I love her. I'd rather satisfy my needs elsewhere than suffer / let her go.She doesn't deserve someone like you.
Author whathearts Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 She has these mood swings. One minute she's in love with me and she can't live without me. Another minute she has no time for me and can't be bothered to do the simplest things for me. if I try to break up with her for sure she'll swing into one of her "i can't live without you" - moods and during these times she seems so sincere.
KatZee Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 She has these mood swings. One minute she's in love with me and she can't live without me. Another minute she has no time for me and can't be bothered to do the simplest things for me. if I try to break up with her for sure she'll swing into one of her "i can't live without you" - moods and during these times she seems so sincere. This whole thread reeks of the "oh woe is me" attitude. It's kind of sick and you sound extremely insecure, immature, and not to mention co-dependent. You're happy 50% of the time? You're so in love that you cheat on her and would rather just cheat behind her back than actually put forth the effort in finding someone who makes you happy 90% of the time? Someone who is emotionally available, and who will put forth just as much effort as you? I don't feel sorry for you. You're a liar and a cheater. And not only are you a liar and a cheater, but you genuinely don't have any remorse because you openly state you'd rather just get your satisfaction elsewhere and just keep your current girlfriend around because you "love her so much." Please.
Author whathearts Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 i don't know what to do. she doesn't try very hard to make me happy but she doesn't want to let me go either. I guess I'm just looking for the courage not to get sucked in by her promises.
Zahara Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 if I try to break up with her for sure she'll swing into one of her "i can't live without you" - moods and during these times she seems so sincere. Maybe if you told her you cheated on her than you'll be able to accomplish that break-up. Stop blaming everyone else for your choices and making up idiot excuses.
ScienceGal Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Have you tried to understand why your girlfriend has "moods". Have you determined whether it is more to do with her personally, or with the relationship? No relationship is perfect. If there are issues, talk them out. Communicate! If you can't be happy together, then you have to move on, for both of your sakes.
Author whathearts Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 She says that they are just part of her and I have to take it or leave it.
KatZee Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 i don't know what to do. she doesn't try very hard to make me happy but she doesn't want to let me go either. I guess I'm just looking for the courage not to get sucked in by her promises. Then you're both just together for the mere fact you're both too scared to be alone. You'd rather be together and unhappy than single with the prospect of being alone for a while. So she puts no effort into the relationship, what exactly are you holding on to? You've already cheated. It's pretty evident neither of you is happy. Anyone can talk a big game and stop someone from leaving, but its the actions you need to watch, and she's: 1. emotionally unavailable 2. detached and cold 3. puts no effort into the relationship
ScienceGal Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 She says that they are just part of her and I have to take it or leave it. If you aren't happy, and have to cheat.. then you leave it.
samsungxoxo Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I don't understand. If her mood swings are unbearable, what exactly is holding the OP back from just breaking up and being single? It's not like they have a child together or have to pay the bills.
Author whathearts Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 she can be so loving when she wants to be and that's what makes it so hard to leave her even when she's not. i keep remembering those times and thinking what if i just hang on a little longer maybe it will get better.
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