sickpuppy Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) I just thought of this reading threads on LS. Are we subconciously attracted to those who have the ability to hurt us? Not physically persay but emotionally and mentally even if we are confident or not? Like ignoring possible red flags or signs of low interest. It almost seems as if people see those who have no ability to hurt us as not wanted, uninteresting or unable to give us that "spark". Girls and guys. Not able or we think not able to potentially hurt us = boring and easily able to replace and upgrade. (Not tops in looks, or social status value in the eyes of our peers. Or simply too kind seeming.) Able to possibly hurt us (emotionally) = pain feelings, attraction, excitement, gossip, knocked us off our pedestal, doesn't need us, has high value, social status, looks etc. It almost seems as if from reading many threads that we as a people seem to go for the hurt the person can cause us more than anything and justify any "good sign" as a "positive" in the challenge of needing to win something that may not truly be good for us in the end. Thoughts? Edited September 30, 2013 by sickpuppy
Leigh 87 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 It's not got much to do with looks for me. Or status. Whatever. For me, the MORE I am into a guy, the greater capacity he has for hurting me. Honestly, I am falling very hard for a current boyfriend who I have not known even a month; I would be more miffed and upset if he hurt me, than I would have been if my ex had. Which he did I may add. I feel like when I am falling IN love, versus growing to love a person slowly, I have more to lose. This guys has a greater capacity to hurt me than my ex did initially. The harder I am falling in love, the more a guy can hurt me, TOTALLY irrespective of his looks, or... status or whatever:sick:
meeji Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I have to agree.. I don't think that people are attracted to that exactly. Maybe some people are (cough-my friend is) but I think what happens is that people become emotionally invested in people and that is whey they become vulnerable to being hurt. Once you fall for someone pandora's box is open. 2
carhill Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Where there is want, there's always a potential to be hurt, the extent of which turns on how well the person who wants can compartmentalize the want away from other aspects of their psyche pertinent to hurt. If one doesn't care, ergo wants nothing, hurt is much more difficult to achieve. Lastly, any human has the potential to hurt. IMO, no one exists with it in absence. They may choose to never hurt, but the potential is there. Can we be/are we attracted to people who *do* hurt us, even after they do? Yep, some of us can be/are. Each person's psychology is different. IME, generally, such people have experienced abuse or other trauma in childhood and have a skewed sense of what healthy love is. They're out there and, trust me, they have an enormous ability to hurt, which seemingly runs counter to the natural response to being abused, specifically not wishing to hurt another person the way one has been hurt themselves. Again, that human psychology thing comes into play.
Author sickpuppy Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) To me it almost seems as if most people are more attracted to those who have the potential to possibly hurt us (meaning we might care about them more than they do us.) and if they actually start to care more about us then we subconciously slowly lose interest as that crave or challenge isn't there anymore. Like if we become vulnerable or try not to be vulnerable we already know this person can hurt us and it subconciously makes us more attracted to them in some sort of need for "abuse" even if we've never had a bad childhood. You see it in countless threads on heartbreak, on threads in online dating (they didn't respond etc. and the person gets frustrated after chatting a while or meeting that person and creating that fantasy scenario of them in their mind then getting that bubble burst), with friends etc. Edited September 30, 2013 by sickpuppy
todreaminblue Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 i prefer not to have strong emotions...anyone who invests in someone emotionally has to allow themselves to be vulnerable around that person that is show emotion that is honestly felt i dont think its a case of being attracted to people that can hurt you or dont care......not for me anyway i get hurt because i am hypersensitve to that person where as i dont give a crap what other guys say......i am not attracted to bad boys i avoid them ..... and i dont like feeling a guy has control over me and has the ability to hurt me i hate it...there are few guys that can get to me.....the ones that could are integral kind and compassionate men who have been part of my life.......but to love someone or for me to really love a guy i have to allow that to happen...and it sucks..there is a positive ....it rarely happens that a guy has the capacity to hurt me....more than i have been hurt before....but if and when i fall in love.....all bets are off...because i am no longer in control...as i said...it is not in my comfort zone to fall for soemone...woudl prefer to date someone i didnt care about adn wasnt invested in ...then i wouldnt get hurt at all........now that is twisted ..i give up.....deb
miss_jaclynrae Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Anyone has the ability to hurt you. It isn't as if you can look at someone and say "Oh, he is definitely going to break my heart... I should date HIM." A huge part of any relationship is vulnerability. In order to find true love, you need to break your walls down completely. In doing that, there is ALWAYS the chance of getting hurt. 6
MrCastle Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 A huge part of any relationship is vulnerability. In order to find true love, you need to break your walls down completely. In doing that, there is ALWAYS the chance of getting hurt. This. Some people don't realize that if you want real love, you have to take the risk and be vulnerable. Even I know this and I have no relationship experience to speak of. I don't think people hurt you intentionally. Well, some do but karma is real and will handle them. But a lot of times, people end up hurting you because they have insecurities and fears of their own that prevent them from getting close to you. Fear of intimacy, if you will. 3
Weezy1973 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Anyone has the ability to hurt you. It isn't as if you can look at someone and say "Oh, he is definitely going to break my heart... I should date HIM." A huge part of any relationship is vulnerability. In order to find true love, you need to break your walls down completely. In doing that, there is ALWAYS the chance of getting hurt. I definitely agree with this. And it's not just love either. If something is worth going after in life - whatever it is - it means there is potential to experience negative emotions. If you are avoiding things because of a fear you might feel something negative, it generally means you are not living a full, rich life. Which is why one's life goal should never be to "be happy." You should strive for a full, rich, meaningful life which will give you great moments of both joy and angst. 3
xxoo Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 The more a person cares, the more potential there is to be hurt. That doesn't make caring the wrong choice. Potential and likelihood are two different things. Many people can feel a great deal of attraction and spark with a high likelihood of being hurt. I have, and do. 3
truth_seeker Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I don't think people hurt you intentionally. Well, some do but karma is real and will handle them. But a lot of times, people end up hurting you because they have insecurities and fears of their own that prevent them from getting close to you. Fear of intimacy, if you will. This is good advice. +10 Castle.
Leigh 87 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 To me it almost seems as if most people are more attracted to those who have the potential to possibly hurt us (meaning we might care about them more than they do us.) and if they actually start to care more about us then we subconciously slowly lose interest as that crave or challenge isn't there anymore. Like if we become vulnerable or try not to be vulnerable we already know this person can hurt us and it subconciously makes us more attracted to them in some sort of need for "abuse" even if we've never had a bad childhood. You see it in countless threads on heartbreak, on threads in online dating (they didn't respond etc. and the person gets frustrated after chatting a while or meeting that person and creating that fantasy scenario of them in their mind then getting that bubble burst), with friends etc. Not the case for women who have healthy goals as to what the want out of sex and dating. I want to find someone who's crazy about me, ane who I feel the same way about. My objective is to be very much in love with a partner, one day, who feels the same way about me. I don't chase men who show low interest. I don't flee when a man I like shows he's genuinely into me.
Quiet Storm Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 To me it almost seems as if most people are more attracted to those who have the potential to possibly hurt us (meaning we might care about them more than they do us.) and if they actually start to care more about us then we subconciously slowly lose interest as that crave or challenge isn't there anymore. Like if we become vulnerable or try not to be vulnerable we already know this person can hurt us and it subconciously makes us more attracted to them in some sort of need for "abuse" even if we've never had a bad childhood. You see it in countless threads on heartbreak, on threads in online dating (they didn't respond etc. and the person gets frustrated after chatting a while or meeting that person and creating that fantasy scenario of them in their mind then getting that bubble burst), with friends etc. Someone like this often has family of origin issues. We can be incredibly affected by our family's dysfunction. It doesn't have to be obvious abuse or neglect. It can be very subtle. Manipulation, triangulation, parents with mental illness or addiction, favoritism, etc. can profoundly affect our deepest feelings and the way we relate to others. I think many times people are attracted to someone with traits similar to a parent. If the child felt neglected, ignored, disrespected, marginalized or abandoned by a parent, they will often subconciously try to fix the original relationship. It doesn't have to be abuse, it can just be a parent that was always busy or self involved. It sets up a dynamic where they try to heal that original pain by getting someone of a similar personality type to love them. Being rejected will cause that old pain to come up to the surface. This is why a short relationship can sometimes feel so intense- because it's not about the person, it's about you. A parent being very busy can make a child feel unworthy of attention. That same feeling of unworthiness can pop up, causing us to seek validation, attention, acceptance in order to prove to ourselves that we are worthy. Many people appear outwardly confident. They behave with high self esteem, are secure in their attractiveness and are proud of their accomplishments. However, I can always tell when a person has self worth issues because they will continue to accept less than they deserve. They will say they deserve more, but tolerate far less. Their actions & the treatment they tolerate from others do not reflect their confident image. 2
Mrlonelyone Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Intimacy means exposing those soft blood filled emotional (and physical) parts of us to the emotional (and physical) teeth of another person. They can either make us feel emotional (and physical) pleasure or emotional (and very physical) pain. We trust them not to bite us, yet, sometimes we get bitten.
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I was going to say more but most of the posters pointed out the whole "making yourself vulnerable for love opens up the potential for pain" To add to that, there are certainly women that are indeed attracted to pain and drama, even though they don't necessary like it. If you're one of these people, it's likely due to emotional issues that should be explored for your own benefit.
Brown-Eyez Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 All i can say is.. wouldn't it be great if we could be in a loving relationship and never get hurt?! yeah, right
felicity1 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I believe there is dysfunction in all relationships. No one is perfect. We all have unresolved childhood issues no matter how seemingly happy our childhood might have been. We carry our needy child with us into our relationships. Self-awareness is the key to working towards healthy relationships.
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