Author ForeverTainted Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I think you can look within - and get brutally honest with yourself about why you chose to be intimate with the OM. If nothing else - write down what he provided for you that was missing in the marriage. Nurture your M with honesty. The guilt isn't useful FOR your husband at this juncture. Move PAST that - and look within to take a good look at how you can become the best version of yourself NOW. Living in the past isn't useful unless you're learning what not to do in the present and future. You are human. Humans do things that hurt others at times. Your integrity will resume when you begin doing and saying things to GROW YOUR MARRIAGE. Stronger, happier and healthier!!! We can all see that sitting there stuck in the crap of what you've done isn't helping the marriage. Let go of what DOESNT work to heal the M (guilt and shame) and begin by walking FORWARD into a new and improved M that has a basis of honesty, respect and integrity that can withstand any $hitstorm that may one day come your way. You CAN improve the M by the WAY YOU PARTICIPATE! Gt busy living and making your M as strong as possible! You've got a NEW foundation to build - decide what that is to look like and work at it TOGETHER as a team. I really don't think my husband could have given me what my affair partner did. He gave me the thrill of the forbidden. I don't know why I wanted it at this time. The first time he touched me I gave in and this concerns me. I have had guys come on to me before. Some I found attractive and I always have taken a huge step back. Something is broken inside of me to do this. I thought that not being caught was all that mattered and yet I took some huge risks. The affair itself was a huge risk and I had so much to lose. But I did it anyways. I chose to and that is it. I wonder if by searching for some deeper meaning to it I am trying to make something that was simple selfishness more complex.
2sunny Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 When you turn that corner and ceased thinking so much about your feelings and begin to consider your husband's feelings - and start doing action for him - and it becomes more about him and the union together = that is when it will balance out. You thinking TOO much about you is what got you to the place of cheating. So stop thinking of yourself and start focusing on your H feelings!
Author ForeverTainted Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Your not worth saving if you don't believe your worth saving. Forever tainted and Another Man's dirt mean the same thing to me. You put yourself in the position to be used, it was your decision and no matter how sorry you are it will never change what you did to your husband and your children. All they ever did was love you unconditionally, they don't deserve to be in the position you selfishly put them in, they are innocent. These are thoughts I struggle with everyday, should I ever allow myself to trust someone like you again? You sound remorseful but you still did what you did to the people that trusted and loved you. What is being remorseful, words, comparing it to the physical long term conscious act, does one offset the other, are you even believable? I think there will always be an imbalance, something was lost that can never be replaced even though the relationship continues with your family. They chose to keep you in their life in spite of yourself, what are you doing to protect them from a future selfish act? So are you worth it? No, I am not worth it. This post is exactly how I feel about myself. There is nothing I can do to change what I did. There is no way to fix it. I really think I do need to let my husband go to find someone who won't betray him like I did. If I stay and try you could say I am doing it for selfish reasons. Maybe to keep the family together and for money. Because I love my husband and don't want anyone else to have him. Because I don't want to lose him. But maybe I stay because I want to make it up to him and be the good wife he deserves. Because he wants me to stay. If I go you could say I am doing it for selfish reasons. That I am a coward and don't want to face the hard work of rebuilding a marriage from the ashes. But maybe it is because I feel he really would be better off with someone who hasn't cheated on him. That he is too stubborn to pull the plug on our marriage and so I will. That he deserves so much better than I could ever be. There doesn't seem to be a solution to any of this.
drifter777 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Something that's usually true when a spouse cheats is that the marriage is forever changed - and not for the good. You gave sex to another man - something you promised never to do and something that was special in your relationship, and you can't undo that. It's easy to see how guilty you feel for doing what you did, but I can't tell if you really want to repair your marriage. Commitment to making up for your betrayal is step 1. From there, counseling and hard work will help both of you decide whether you truly want to reconcile or that the marriage is just too damaged to repair. You expressed a fear that someday your husband is going to look at you and just see a cheater and realize he can't accept what you have done. That's a distinct possibility and one you can't change. It's probably better if he begins to have those feelings now while you are both willing to work on your relationship. The longer he suppresses those feelings the bigger the explosion will be down the road. The problem is he probably won't realize he is repressing anger until he blows, but counseling can help him get there sooner. You have a tough, tough road ahead no matter what choices you make.
janedoe67 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Yes, Tainted, you ARE worth it. If it takes perfection to be worth it then no one on earth is worth it. Period. One thing that may help you is this: The man who is married to you is your husband. HE wants to work it out with you. So take that and run with it and do whatever it takes. A stranger here or there who has decided based on other things that YOU are not worth saving....honestly, their opinion is not all that relevant to your everyday life. Your husband is the one who needs your concern and thought and effort. Yes, there is much that can be gleaned from boards and forums, but in the end, who cares if Bob or Steve or Judy think that since you cheated that is it for you? If your husband looks at you and sees the wife he loves, who is flawed, but who he can forgive and wants to rebuild a life with...THAT is what counts. Sounds like you got lucky like I did. Don't waste it worrying about things that don't matter, like the opinions of everybody else. Find what can help you and your husband heal and have a great marriage - the rest is just noise. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Sometimes I wonder if we really every had "chemistry". I think this type of revisionist history is very common with WS. Similar to those times when, sick with a bad cold or flu, it's hard to remember feeling well. You have many more issues with yourself and your marriage than can be addressed on an internet forum. Were it me, I'd make immediate MC a financial priority above all else except food and shelter. Without it, can't see your marriage surviving... Mr. Lucky
Author ForeverTainted Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I think this type of revisionist history is very common with WS. Similar to those times when, sick with a bad cold or flu, it's hard to remember feeling well. You have many more issues with yourself and your marriage than can be addressed on an internet forum. Were it me, I'd make immediate MC a financial priority above all else except food and shelter. Without it, can't see your marriage surviving... Mr. Lucky By "chemistry", I mean rip our clothes off and jump into the sack every chance we got. I think perhaps it comes from our early dating stage before we were boyfriend and girlfriend. My husband told me then that he liked being around me but he just didn't feel the "spark". I found him attractive and I knew he found me so and I didn't really understand what he meant. We were quite young and I had no real past relationships to compare it to. Maybe that is where I went wrong. MC is a tough one because thanks to the medical problems we just make our mortgage payment monthly. I have offered to get an evening and weekend job to lighten the financial burden but my husband feels that would be suicidal to our marriage. Thankfully we almost have one debt paid off and that will free up a good chunk of money every paycheck. That is why we are looking for an affordable counselor. Where we live there aren't many to choose from so they can ask a lot. And my husband makes too much for assisted counseling.
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 FT, you are absolutely correct. There will be those who will damn you either way. Live your truth. Not theirs. Focusing on you as in SELF, not just one aspect (like one does during an affair) will help you to shore up those areas of YOU that are/have been weakened. 1
2sunny Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 For what it's worth - the men I have had "chemistry with" made me choose stupid things for myself! That chemistry factor hurt me every time! 1
Spark1111 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 We wouldn't all be here giving you constructive advice if we didn't believe you had a snowball's chance in hell in getting this all back on track, darling. care to join a church? many a priest or pastor now holds a counseling degree and would help a couple in need....for free! And some of them can be pretty decent. You two decide. there is so much great reading on the Internet on how to improve a marriage after infidelity...for free! Start setting aside time to read and talk together.... Why was desire, ripping clothes off, so appealing to you? Didn't you ever have that as a young woman? Is that why you risked it all for it? I had plenty of that in high school and college...and yes, it is wonderfully ego-inflating to be so lusted after....but I wouldn't have considered anyone of those young men a life partner, someone to raise a family with...WHY did you fall? You have a lot of whys to answer to. Start digging deep.
Author ForeverTainted Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Why was desire, ripping clothes off, so appealing to you? Didn't you ever have that as a young woman? Is that why you risked it all for it? I had plenty of that in high school and college...and yes, it is wonderfully ego-inflating to be so lusted after....but I wouldn't have considered anyone of those young men a life partner, someone to raise a family with...WHY did you fall? You have a lot of whys to answer to. Start digging deep. No, I never did any of that. I was always just "one of the guys". I think you are right though. When the sparks flew between my affair person and I, I enjoyed it. I hate remembering back at the beginning because now I see how empty and stupid it is. But I remember the excitement and the anticipation. It all is really disgusting. It seems like affairs are sometimes found out accidentally but usually it is when the cheaters slip up or change their behavior. I thought that if we didn't go over board like hotels and using our homes we would have a good chance of never getting caught. If a chance to be together came up, we would take it and then "forget" it happened. We called ourselves "friends with benefits." It was all really disgusting but at the time it turned me on.
Author ForeverTainted Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 What did the OM provide for you? forbidden sex?
2sunny Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 forbidden sex? Dang - that wasn't the answer I was hoping for. I was hoping you could look deeper at your emotionally bankrupt side... 1
Author ForeverTainted Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Dang - that wasn't the answer I was hoping for. I was hoping you could look deeper at your emotionally bankrupt side... I am nor really sure what you mean. My affair partner was not someone who I ran to when I had a problem. we were never really deep with each other. We talked about my children, hobbies, the weather for the most part. We never even really acknowledged that we were cheating to each other. Like if you don't talk about it it isn't happening. When he did compliment me or talk about doing things I knew that it was because he wanted to use me for sex. And I didn't think I could be upset about it because I wanted him for sex too.
Author ForeverTainted Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 I didn't want to post here until I could put into practice some of the suggestions. We had are first Marriage Counseling yesterday. I was a nervous wreck and it turned out to be nothing. I mean nothing. My marriage councilor was very good. Afterwards my husband agreed he was. Because my husband and I didn't seem to be at cross purposes he suggested that my husband seek the safety of individual counseling and for me to as well. My husband isn't opposed to the idea but I don't know if he will take it. He doesn't know if he needs to. I made an appointment for an individual session with a female therapist that the marriage counselor recommended. It is tomorrow.
Author ForeverTainted Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Out of curiosity, did you specifically look for a female therapist? And if so, why? Is it because you think a female therapist will be more sympathetic to you? My shrink was male and near the age of my affair partner. My husband was uncomfortable with this and mentioned it in therapy today. So our councilor suggested a female for me.
harrybrown Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 You should be glad that your husband let you know that this was bothering him. He is going to MC with you and has feelings for you. He is hurting due to the affair, but he is communicating and going to MC. It seems like he is still trying. Be careful of his heart.
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