Weak Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 My husband blindsided me with a request for divorce at the start of this school year. Less than thirty days after hearing him for the first time ever say the word divorce, we are now in fact divorced. It has been a whirlwind. I had absolutely no idea he had been contemplating divorce for a couple of years and that since winter he knew it was just a matter of time. What I have most appreciated about him over the years is his honesty. And now I realize that for the past several months, he had been so dishonest to not discuss his thought processes with me. That hurts. And it's embarrassing. We are still living together. My new home will close in the next week or two and I will be moving then. We've been divorced for three weeks now and truthfully things have been fine at home. Good, actually. But just this weekend it started feeling a little different. He did something relatively minor to most but significant to me which indicates he's ready to have this over, which I can respect and it makes sense. He did, after all, initiate the divorce. We'll be fine for the next several days, I am sure, but it's starting to get real...and it's hurting. I have never been through a breakup as he was my first boyfriend. **Since I was a teenager, we have been in a very close and serious relationship. Now in my early thirties, my world has been shaken.** I know we're going about this in a non-traditional way and that's okay...we tend to be non-traditional. I am not interested in having one of us leave until I'm able to move out and no contact isn't something I'm considering at this point. Perhaps it will become necessary, but for now it's not. But thinking ahead a month or so when I am settled into my new home and life... Here are my issues: 1. We live in a tiny town. I will know when he begins to see someone else. I am still in a place where the mere thought sickens me to my core. I know I will feel betrayed. Does anyone have experience with this feeling of betrayal (despite not at all actually being betrayed)? 2. Well, actually, I'm going to end there for now. Thanks for letting me share.
harrybrown Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Try to focus on yourself. Do things to make you happy. It would be a good idea to go NC as soon as possible. Do you have kids? Try to find something you enjoy, like exercising, ballroom dance, art or whatever. It will be good to do things strictly for you. There are good men out there. I hope he had a good reason for his decision. Sometimes there will be regret, and people can change their minds. Sorry you were blindsided by this. Are you sure he did not have an affair?
devilish innocent Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 That is really tough. I feel like he should have told you when he was first considering divorce years ago so that you could have tried to figure out a solution to the problems. It seems pretty unfair to just drop a divorce on somebody out of the blue like that when you've been together so long. The only way to deal with any of this is to give it time. You will come to a point where you can move on, even be able to feel okay about him being with somebody else. If he's not out dating yet, it does no good to worry about it right now. Just focus on getting through what you need to today. Take it one step at a time.
Author Weak Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Thank you both so much for the responses. Try to focus on yourself. Do things to make you happy. It would be a good idea to go NC as soon as possible. Do you have kids? No children. I can't see me purposefully or strategically going NC at this point. If I find that I can't cope otherwise it will of course be something to consider. I'd really prefer to just live normally without this hard and fast rule of no contact. We shall see how it plays out. Try to find something you enjoy, like exercising, ballroom dance, art or whatever. It will be good to do things strictly for you. I do plan on focusing on fitness again. There are good men out there. I hope he had a good reason for his decision. I think we just grew apart, although had I known just how far apart I would have taken steps to work on our marriage. I actually brought up divorce three years ago...but we never truly discussed it. Instead it was a word I threw our emotionally. I chalked it up to me going through a "quarter-life crisis" and trying to figure out this great big world. He was supportive of me during this time despite me acting so coldly toward him. Around this time, my priorities started to change and my passions changed...I also changed dramatically religiously/spiritually. I think he's feeling now I felt then, although a) I was far past that and I believe I never truly wanted a divorce, b) we have (I thought) enjoyed our life together since that one and only bump in the road in all our years, and c) I can't fault him for feeling how he feels, but I take issue with his lack of communication on the matter. Sometimes there will be regret, and people can change their minds. Sorry you were blindsided by this. Are you sure he did not have an affair? Anything is possible; I am trusting him when he tells me he did not. I would be less surprised for him to tell me he's gay (or something equally as mindblowing), but I acknowledge that, again, anything is possible.
lop98 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 NC as a departing point for sure. The feeling of betrayal when they're in so much need to move on and start dating AND committing to someone else like there's no tomorrow... I have experience with that, it hurt endlessly and still hurts to an extent... I knew (couldn't be clearer) that I had no option but to put all my effort in moving on and part of this was rebuilding my personal life... meeting other guys, taking risks... I never actively pursued a relationship or even put on my "dating" mode, I just got out, even if it hurt, and there was a guy that somehow managed to distract me at first from all the pain... then suddenly one day there was just no pain, and I started falling in love with him. I still think about my ex but mostly for how traumatizing the experience was... I had never felt betrayed and so disappointed by someone, it definitely opens up your eyes to a darker side of life you knew existed but somehow we all thought we can just skip with enough wisdom or wit. I'm over him but it's been hard getting over what happened and the feelings I got to know. Time does wonders... time and distance from the source of that pain, and fighting tooth and nail to put it all in the past... killing all hope, and this is the part that's so difficult, even when he had already moved on, I somehow kept resisting, hoping he would realize we were meant to be and at least one side was available. Huge mistake (thankfully it was only about a couple of months with these ideas). What was amazing was breaking all the chains no one but myself could break (no contacting him not even for his birthday, allowing myself to develop feelings for someone else). You're still so young, it hurts so much but you can be back on your feet sooner than it feels now, heartache is awful but what would be more awful is spending more years with someone that can't be straightforward and is selfish enough to mislead and deprive you from the opportunity to find someone that loves you the way you deserve.
AnyaNova Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I for one, vote that you change your user name! You are not weak! Don't tell yourself that. It is not true. I agree wih the advice to start a new hobby or passion. Take care of yourself and keep yourself busy. I sorry this happened to you. You will recover and find a new normal. We all will. With time.
Author Weak Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I for one, vote that you change your user name! You are not weak! Don't tell yourself that. It is not true. Oh, thank you...I meant it as "weak in the stomach", though. Sick. Every other user name I tried was taken.
Author Weak Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 I'm truly sorry for the hurt you're experiencing. While I haven't experienced this myself, I've heard from others that divorce is comparable to a death..and because of that loss, there is definitely a grieving period. Don't be afraid of the grief..it's the avenue to healing and becoming whole again. Maybe it's a good idea to get into counseling during this time ~sort out your feelings and get input on how to move forward. I highly recommend this read ~ When "I Do" Becomes "I Don't" by Laura Petherbridge. Hoping and praying all the best for you. Thank you for your kind words and book recommendation.
Author Weak Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 Thinking aloud here. It's just so crushing to know that I'm simply so unlikeable to him that he made the huge decision to end our relationship after so many years. He just doesn't like me. That he's looking forward to being alone and then replacing me? I can barely process that. I realize I am not generally unlikeable or unloveable. I am a kind person. Giving. Compassionate. Passionate. Loyal. Honest. Intelligent. Educated. Professional. Creative. A combination of qualities that is likely ideal to someone on this planet. But if not the man I fell in love with seemingly a lifetime ago and vowed to be with forever, I understandably couldn't care less at this point.
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