Taeyang Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Here's the gist of it. I dated this guy for over 3 years, we lived together for about a year. I broke up with him because he wasn't getting his **** together; He lost his job and didn't try to hard finding another one for a while, he wasn't going to school, he might have been depressed cause he's a very social person but he didn't want to see people that much anymore or do things he liked doing before. Sometimes I'd get home and all he'd done all day is sleep, clean a bit, and play games. I tried helping him but he pretty much wouldn't let me. A few weeks after I broke up with him he got a job, he's saving up for a car, exercising, etc. Basically he's getting it together and he wants me to get back together with him. It's been 4-5 months since I left him, and I still think of him, we we're like best friends as well as lovers and we had great connection, same sense of humor, I felt like we would make it a long way and so did he. PROBLEM IS: I've been dating someone now for 2 months, and he's a great guy. He treats me so well, he is so sweet, and I get along with him great except for the fact that he is a very emotional person and I am not, so when we argue he will hold on to things for a long time and is very passive aggressive instead of direct, which I don't like and feel like I cannot deal well with it. Also I feel I don't have the same type of connection with him than I had with my ex. So he has changed, and mutual friends have vouched for it. And he wants me back. And I'm here thinking that would be great if I wasn't dating this great guy, and I kind of don't want to give up on this new guy but what if he's a rebound and it's not gonna work out anyway? What if it was doomed from the beginning because I'm not over my ex? And I don't know how to sort my feelings and find out what it is I really want. I considered just breaking up with him and not giving the other one a chance either and just being by myself, which I have no problem with. I just feel like if my ex really changed like everyone says he has, and we had such a great relationship I wouldn't wanna miss out, but at the same time I wouldn't wanna miss out on the new guy either if I could make it work. Any advice in what to do in this situation? It would be so much appreciated!
Phantom888 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 How emotionally invested are you with this new man? Have you had sex with him? Who do you think of when you are alone? Yes people can change for the better, but what if your previous man loses his job again? Would he spiral down like before? You do what your gut feeling tells you. If the connection isn't 100% there, move on. Chances are, neither of these guys are right for you.
Author Taeyang Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 I have had sex with him, things moved pretty quickly and now he's saying he's in love with me, and I like him a lot but I'm not feeling it yet and I think it's because I'm not over my ex completely. But then I think, "what if I never fall in love with him?" "If I'm not feeling it now, maybe I'll never feel it." I'm so confused because I think of both of them! You're right about the connection though, maybe I'm just over thinking this :S
soccerrprp Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Ugly. You got into a relationship when you were not ready. Unfortunate. Does your ex know that you are dating someone else? You got into a new relationship after a 3-year one in just 2-months. You don't waste too much time. I feel for both guys, but your ex had his chance and blew it. Good luck.
Author Taeyang Posted October 29, 2013 Author Posted October 29, 2013 Yeah, it's pretty bad. I never thought I'd end up in a relationship with this guy, at first I thought he was not the relationship type, and he wasn't! Never though that a guy that's never had a serious relationship would've ended up wanting one with me. But I ended up really liking him a lot too. That's also true though, I gave my ex more than one chance and he blew it, and now he's asking for one last chance... I shouldn't huh. It sucks because I've always been somewhat afraid of commitment, and this one guy that I feel like I could be with for life ends up screwing it up. I asked him that if i took him back what would he want from the relationship and he said he wanted to win me back and share his life with me, and someday get married and have children. I feel like it's all words though because I don't feel like I can trust his word anymore. Oh and he does know I dated someone else, at first he was pretty mad. We stopped talking for a couple of months, then he started talking to me and said he didn't care I dated someone else, that he realized he ****ed up and i was the one for him and he wants me back : \
heartshaped Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Was your sole reason for ending things with your ex the stuff above? At any rate, as far as your new boyfriend goes, he's a rebound. Too soon, too much.
Author Taeyang Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I ended things with my ex because I didn't feel appreciated. I felt like he was only trying hard when he knew he was gonna lose me. He also did some things that bugged me, like for example this one time we went out to eat and he was sitting right next to me texting his guy friend that the waitress had a big, nice ass while im sitting there next to him talking to him. It was like stupid little things like that once in a while that made me feel like he didn't respect me. This other thing that bugged me is that he was in bad terms with both his last exes, but he kept checking up on their facebook constantly even though they weren't even friends. Towards the end of the relationship he got depressed cause he lost his job and i tried helping however i could but he let it consume him and it started affecting me too. Our sex life even stopped, we'd do it like once or twice a month, and i was understanding that he was depressed and he didn't have the drive or whatever, but then i found out he was still masturbating quite a bit and that just made me feel terrible and unwanted, even though he reassured me he was still attracted to me and it had nothing to do with it. Which I just don't understand. We stopped talking for a couple of months after we broke up, and then he starts contacting me saying that he'd really reflected on why he lost me and how he realized how much of an ass he had been to me and that he wanted to make things right and treat me like i deserved. I feel like most our issues came from a lack of commitment on his side, even though he said things that made me think he was committed, the way he acted made me feel otherwise. I feel like he's only trying so hard because he lost me since that is the pattern, but the fact that it's been 5 months since we broke up and he keeps trying makes me feel like he maybe he is being true this time.
crederer Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Who do you want to be with? This is the equivalent of an "all in" poker hand. Yes, it will be a risk either way, but you gotta go with want you want. On a side note, I don't think it was fair to get angry with him for not having a job. I've been there, it's very difficult and demasculating and when your partner gives you a hard time about it, it only makes it worse. Just my 2 cents on that.
heartshaped Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 All things considered then, I'm not sure reconnecting with your ex is wise. It wasn't just his unemployment, but a plethora of other things as well on your end (feeling he wasn't committed, him being inconsiderate of your feelings, checking up on exes, etc.) that led to the break up. Things with this new guy don't sound like they're off to the best start either. You say he's passive aggressive, you're not sure if you can/will fall in love with him, and you got together with him way too soon after your ex. If I were you, I'd sit down and truly evaluate whether you would like to be in a relationship with either of these men and why. Also, take a long at whether either of these relationships have long term potential.
Author Taeyang Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 Creederer you're right, it is a risk either way. What I'm also considering is that I wouldn't want to go back, then end up in bad terms with him if we've already ended in good terms. I don't think you just learn how to commit over a couple of months, and maybe the fact that I can't bring myself to believe he's changed is an indicator enough that I shouldn't go back into that. About the side note, I was never angry about him losing his job, I tried my best to support him through that time, I never nagged him, the most I did was let him know when I saw a place was hiring. However he was jobless for over a year and we lived together, so it was getting pretty hard for me to support us on a 9/hr paycheck. Heartshaped, that's really good advice thank you. I tried this and I think I might have fallen for the qualities in the new guy I'm dating that were different from my ex, for instance he's hard working, he's put so much more effort into this relationship in these past 5 months than my ex did in 3 years, i don't have to tell him more than once when something bothers me, he's such a positive and good person. I figured the way he was acting was because he was insecure about my ex constantly trying to contact me because recently I told my ex to not contact me anymore and I haven't had one issue with my current boyfriend. I guess I've realized that the least I can do is just forget about my ex, accept that I broke up with him for a reason, and hope he can find happiness and growth. I've realized that as time goes by so do my feelings for him, so as well as being a good time to rekindle, it's a good time to let go. Thank you for your advice everyone, you've helped me a lot
soccerrprp Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Taeyang, Your the wiser here. Your ex had chances and even in the face of loss, he didn't change when given the chance. Too many people tragically fall for the "it's better to be with the devil you know than the one you don't." You've seen what harm your ex is capable of, he is better off moving on and SO ARE YOU. This new guy sounds promising, what you've wanted...don't let the dark past interfere with a possible, brighter future.
Author Taeyang Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 Oh and I guess the reason I was holding on to my ex is because we had a great connection, we had the almost exact sense of humor and we were so good hanging out just by ourselves as well as in groups. We had so many beliefs in common, and even the same dreams of becoming great artists someday. I truly feel like he was my soulmate, and I know he felt the same. Which is why he hasn't been able to let go either. I put a lot of importance on our relationship because of this, I felt like I'd never find someone with whom I'd have something like this type of connection. And now I feel like that might be why he got so comfortable, because he knew I felt this way and he thought I'd never leave because of it. Now I don't think I should make it so apparent anymore when I have feelings like this, it feels like a lesson. What do you guys think?
Author Taeyang Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 Soccerprp, Thanks for your advice and input! I really do agree, I got really sucked in by my feelings but this really helped me take a step back and look at our relationship logically. I will take your advice to heart, and I will not give the dark past a chance to linger. We never know what lies ahead of us, but what an adventure it is to find out
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