melissag Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 OK. My story is not like most others on here. For those who haven't read my initial post, here's a recap - and more detail for those who have. While I was blindsided by my husband's sudden, very firm decision to divorce me, it is true that we had been dealing with some issues for a long while. He didn't run off with his 20 year old secretary or his ex-girlfriend. Without going into all the details, basically I hurt him repeatedly by pushing him away for many years. He finally got sick of it. I can hardly blame him. Over the years, I have been thinking in small spurts but couldn't really figure out how to get to where I wanted to be. Obviously since his announcement, I've done nothing but think. I've pretty much figured out that my behavior (which didn't make me feel particularly happy either) was driven by fear. I'm not really sure of the source of the fear, and I'm not sure it makes sense to spend time trying to figure it out. So what I did was, I listened to that negative voice driven by fear. I decided about 36 hours ago that I was done with that. It's self destructive. My husband sees no chance of this working because he thinks I am that negative voice. He doesn't know that's not what I want, Let me be clear on two things: (1) it's not like we have had a terrible relationship - we have done fun things together and there have been good times - but I didn't let him know how much I loved him. Too much criticism, too little sex. (2) I am not shouldering *all* of the blame. But I do feel responsible for most of it. So here's the situation. He told me on Friday he wants a divorce. He did not move out. He has been sleeping on the couch. I think his intention was to stay elsewhere immediately, but I balked at his idea that we ought to tell the kids right away. Like an hour after he told me. Um, no. I think that we need to have a lot of things worked out (including calming my overwhelming emotions) before we tell the kids. I don't want to say "we're getting divorced; not sure what the custody arrangement is or where dad will live, or who will pick you up from school, etc." That is just cruel. For the first 24 hours I pretty much did what I shouldn't and begged and pleaded. Nope. His mind is pretty damn well made up. I stopped. We spent the whole weekend together as a family. He is being very nice and normal to me. Except he's happier. Which, he says, is because he is divorcing me. (Ouch.) We have talked a bit about how this would all work, and agreed that we will be as amicable as possible. He is a decent guy. Yesterday, I decided to do 180. I just acted super happy, was totally nice to him, and honestly it felt like a regular family day, except even better, except of course for the underlying bombshell. I realized that all I have to do, to be happy and get along, is just stop listening to that negative voice in my brain, and do what I want to do. Even after the kids went to bed, he sat in the bed with me and we watched TV together. Today we have a family activity and he wants to come. I was prepared to say, ok, no problem, if he didn't want to come, but he did. I ignored him most of the day. Then he emailed to ask whether I had called the counselor we found who helps with custody arrangements during a divorce. Ouch. I called. I set up an appointment. He views divorce as a totally acceptable solution, and doesn't think he ought to live in misery the rest of his life. While I agree that nobody should, I do wish that he would agree to a Hail Mary. I don't think divorce is a solution, I think it causes more problems. He thinks that the children will be happier. Right now there is no stress on them - it's not like we fight in front of them - they will not be relieved. His parents were divorced when he was 1, so he doesn't really view it as a big deal. Also, his Dad moved far away and rarely saw the kids, so he wasn't being shuttled between houses every week, etc. He views leaving me as a relief from me hurting him, and, based on his comments, he also sees a dating life for him not so far in the future. (I am not 100% sure I believe his claims that he has nobody in the wings - or at least someone he is excited to pursue.) I know 10000% that this can work and we can be happy - because I have figured out my stuff and taken my head out of my ass. I haven't really talked about this with him, though, because i don't want to push him away. OK, I am rambling now, and I'm not sure if this all makes sense, but here (finally!) is my question. I think that NC (or as NC as I can go with kids involved) is not going to help me. He is not going to miss me. He views me as mean and hurtful. The only way for him to think of me as anything other is to be the opposite. That requires me to be around him. Right? I know right now he probably views any different behavior from me as just acting so he will stay, which is why I feel like he needs to see it for as long as possible. I am not bringing up working on the marriage. I am not following him around, or trying to pursue him. I am not asking him to take part in any activity as a family or just with me. But when we are around each other, I am good to him without pursuing him. We have a great time together as a family. We are supposed to go on a family vacation later this week. Right now he is planning on going - for the kids. Should I just go without him, or let him decide, or try to gently encourage it? I'm just not sure. I want him to see how fun it can be when we are together, without actually bringing things up or talking about our marriage, or asking him for another chance. I just want him to see it, and have that in his mind as he moves out, assuming that's coming soon. What do you guys think? I mean, other than that I am a crappy wife and he should leave me?
pteromom Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I would let him come on the family vacation - for the kids. I would be kind and amicable and focus on the kids, NOT on trying to prove anything to him. Honestly, it sounds like he has his mind made up, and I agree with you that I wouldn't be surprised if he has someone waiting in the wings for him, or someone he wants to pursue. He's not going to change his mind due to a family vacation. The only thing I would suggest is a separation before a divorce. He should move out and see what things are like on his own. Maybe distance will allow him to want to try to fix it. Maybe not. I am sorry this is happening to your family.
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