degearea Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Hey All, So... Firstly thanks for letting me vent on here. This is hard and as we all know friends and family get tired of hearing about these kind of things. I have had an on again off again girlfriend over the past 4 years. I love her very much and she's my best friend. I know you've heard it before... when things were good they were great... when things were bad they were Hell. We fought a lot... at least one big blowout every couple of weeks. I admit it... I can be controlling and bossy... she's not a good communicator and has a tendency to shout and call me names when she's been drinking. I've been trying so hard for so long. Living without her seemed impossible until recently and I admit it still hurts. I even bought a house for us with a big yard so our three dogs could romp around... I know I'm in that delusional phase... over the past few years I kept a journal of when I thought she was being abusive... and its not pretty. Nearly every incident involves alcohol... be it whipping a block of cheese at my head, shouting and not letting me sleep, almost getting us thrown off a plane, calling me names in front of my friends... driving drunk... This is hard. When she's sober we're happy... but this just keeps popping back up. It's such a part of her lifestyle... even her dad is her drinking buddy. I broke up with her. Gave her so many chances to turn it around. Sometimes I wonder if I could have done more. Gotten us therapy. Laid off the coffee. Tried to be more understanding. To complicate issues further I want a kid. I'm 37 so it's still possible... but she's 43 and I think I was her last shot. It would have been very difficult anyway. Adoption was always a possibility as well. Regardless, I didn't think bringing a child into that living situation was a good idea. My parents fought a lot when I was little and it was devastating for me. I want a happy stress free home. I'm sure some will say I need to go to Al-Anon meetings. I've been to a couple. I've also read Codependent No More and that helped some. Seeing my old therapist is an option i'm giving serious consideration to. I'm a bit of a cynic. I really think your personality is pretty much set in stone, good and bad, by the time you're about 16 years old. There might be slight variations that come with age, but most of the time I don't think change is very possible, especially in the case of substance abuse. I'm a good person. I don't deserve to be yelled at. Be as angry as you want but don't shout at me. Don't throw blocks of cheese at me. Don't attack me. I'm doing my best. Anyway... thanks for listening. This wasn't really about advice. I think more than anything this is going to take time...
HokeyReligions Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I'm sorry for your pain. Youre right. Change is damn near impossible. You can't change her she has to do it herself. Its going to hurt but you can let go and move on. You do deserve to be treated well. If there are things sbout yourself you want to change now is the time. But do it for yourself. 1
melell Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I am really sorry about your situation. I know exactly what it is like, my relationship ended after 8 years due to drink/drug. It is true, when things are great they are great, but that other side steals all the greatness away. Be really careful not to lose sight of the underlying factor- which is alcohol. Don't let yourself forget this, because it is just too easy to start rationalizing everything, and pointing the finger at yourself. My ex was horrible when he would drink, lash out, go really dark, drive, say awful things, and disappear. I would react really badly to this sometimes, would cry, or get angry back. He always blamed the whole thing on me. BUT at the end of the day it was HIM getting in that state, not me, it was me walking on eggshells and then taking the blame. Try really really hard not to lose sight of the real issue, it took me a good 2 months to see the situation for what it really was. 1
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I was married for 12 years to an alcoholic. I became highly codependent. I found help and hope in al-anon. I suggest you attend a few meetings. You can't free someone from a jail they don't know they're in. You can only free yourself. I congratulate you for saving yourself from the hell that is someone's alcoholism. 2
laceyjane Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 My ex was an addict. Started using while we were together. It was terrible. I only learned about narcotics and signs of a user after he went in rehab. It's a toxic relationship. We were so in loved but at some point after he went in rehab made me question if he really loved me. It's hard to be with someone who abuses drugs or alcohol especially of you're someone from outside of the bubble. It makes you codependent and weak. Stay strong and seek for a support group. It will help you see things clearly.
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