newlove Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Would a married man break up with his mistress because he thinks it's getting out of hand and his feelings for his mistress are getting deeper than he is comfortable with? The last two (out of many) times my lover saw me, he was really happy and enjoyed my company more than ever. He wanted me to get my passport so we could go on vacation together. Then he initiated NC without a goodbye or explanation by simply not calling. My lover was assigned to work in my country for 3 years. His wife is back home in their country. I heard from someone else that his wife will be coming to live with him in a few months. Even though she does not like the U.S., my country, because she couldn't adjust the last time she came here. I'm guessing MM called his wife and she reluctantly agreed to relocate for him. Did MM initiate NC with me and call his wife to come because he felt I was a threat to his marriage? Because he felt guilty? But initially he had told me, "It's not that bad, is it?" to have sex outside of marriage. If he didn't feel I could be a threat, if he didn't feel guilty before, is it possible that his feelings changed because we were enjoying each other's company so much the last times I saw him? Did he get closer to his wife through Skype and want to forget about me? If MM are having fun, do they want to forget the mistress so they could focus on their wife? His wife is coming in a few months. Why won't he continue seeing me until his wife comes? Does he think there's no point in continuing a relationship with me since it's doomed to end in a few months, so might as well end it now?
darkmoon Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 you are 100% right, but he might be in two minds but atmo imho his wife is making noises, he might come back to you once they have tried to live in the USA where she will be unhappy not in good moods (we hope) hard to live with OWs get a raw deal, so much secrecy you can not phone them at home you have been left hanging, until he comes back divorced, please date single men
underwater2010 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Maybe he is afraid of getting caught. Or you could have keep him from being lonely while living away from his wife. I say you should count your blessings and move on to someone that is available.
tiernan Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 he has absolutely no class whatsovever if he goes NC with you without a word of explanation. Sorry but he just used you and no explanations needed. It is not about his wife, she is coming in a couple of months so it is not about her, forget about him, he is not worth your attention
yellowmaverick Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 He has decided that he wants his wife. What difference does it make why? And why would you even consider or want him to continue to use you until his wife came? I don't think that it will help you to read more into the affair than what it was. He has chosen his wife. He is a cake-eater and now he is done. Why would you even consider continuing to have sex with someone who has treated you this way? 1
stillafool Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 This guy just used you until his wife was available. He probably wanted to break up with you now so he won't be fresh off another woman when his wife comes. It would be better for him to break up now so in two months you will be over it and then his wife wouldn't find out that he's been cheating. I think you should be more worried about why you got involved with a MM and learn from this experience. Not only is it disrespectful to his wife but you have opened your own heart up to alot of pain. 1
KathyM Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 It could be any number of reasons why he broke it off with you and initiated NC. There could have been a DDay and he is trying to save his marriage. He could have had a stroke of conscience and decided he didn't like who he had become. He could have become closer to his wife and realized he no longer wanted to hurt her this way. He could be afraid that continuing with you may cause a DDay in the future, and he doesn't want to risk it. He may think that it would be too difficult to maintain a secret relationship if he lives in the area where both you and his wife live. I think one of those are the likely scenarios. If he was just concerned that you were developing strong feelings for him, or he for you, I seriously doubt he would just disappear without a word.
ComingInHot Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 newlove, three years (to me) seems like a looong time for Everyone in this situation. It's a looong time A. It's a looong time to be apart from ones spouse. It's a looong time for a sexually active person to go "without" - M'd or not. I think the entire set up is/was damaging to All of you. I believe this MM went "NC" / Disappeared to prepare to be reunited w/His Wife. It's possible he had real feelings for BOTH you and His Wife and Needed to disengage w/you as he is ultimately committed to His Wife. Now that His Wife will be "in proximity", he may not have the capacity to compartmentalize Both His M and the A/cheating with you. Could You do that?? He has already done you a great disservice and Both of you to His Wife. And now he's adding rejection and abandonment to his list w/you. Is this type of relationship what you normally aspire to or have you had healthy relationships in the past? It's time for you to heal the be open to a new, better relationship that will Not harm others but Enhance you and the world around d you, don't you think?! I cheering for you* 1
KathyM Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 This guy just used you until his wife was available. He probably wanted to break up with you now so he won't be fresh off another woman when his wife comes. It would be better for him to break up now so in two months you will be over it and then his wife wouldn't find out that he's been cheating. THIS is probably the most likely reason why he broke off all contact without a word. 2
Author newlove Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 I don't believe I was used. How could I have been when he was so kind to me? He used to cook me dinner every night, bought me soft tissues because I was using napkins to blow my nose, was protective of me, and treated me to a nice restaurant. He wanted to take long road trips with me, go on vacation with me, take me to the zoo, and go for an ice cream cone with me. He offered to teach me how to drive and to swim. We used to talk in person for five hours almost everyday. We would fall asleep together. He wanted to fall asleep spooning, but I couldn't sleep like that.
ComingInHot Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 New love wrote, " I don't believe I was used. How could I have been when he was so kind to me? He used to cook me dinner every night, bought me soft tissues because I was using napkins to blow my nose, was protective of me, and treated me to a nice restaurant. He wanted to take long road trips with me, go on vacation with me, take me to the zoo, and go for an ice cream cone with me. He offered to teach me how to drive and to swim. We used to talk in person for five hours almost everyday. We would fall asleep together. He wanted to fall asleep spooning, but I couldn't sleep like that." I KNOW new love!! How can they be All kinds adoring, sweet and kind then... what is he doing to you again, oh ya "disappeared" ugh 1
stillafool Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I don't believe I was used. How could I have been when he was so kind to me? He used to cook me dinner every night, bought me soft tissues because I was using napkins to blow my nose, was protective of me, and treated me to a nice restaurant. He wanted to take long road trips with me, go on vacation with me, take me to the zoo, and go for an ice cream cone with me. He offered to teach me how to drive and to swim. We used to talk in person for five hours almost everyday. We would fall asleep together. He wanted to fall asleep spooning, but I couldn't sleep like that. Just because he was kind to you doesn't mean anything. In the U.S. men do these things with and for women all the time. Some even shop for tampons for their women. That is not enough to determine that an american man is in love with you. You would know that he is in love with you if he told his wife not to come there because he had met you and fell in love. He would be seeking a divorce which he is not. Don't waste anymore of your time pining for a MM. Don't you deserve better?
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I don't believe I was used. How could I have been when he was so kind to me? He used to cook me dinner every night, bought me soft tissues because I was using napkins to blow my nose, was protective of me, and treated me to a nice restaurant. He wanted to take long road trips with me, go on vacation with me, take me to the zoo, and go for an ice cream cone with me. He offered to teach me how to drive and to swim. We used to talk in person for five hours almost everyday. We would fall asleep together. He wanted to fall asleep spooning, but I couldn't sleep like that. It was just an affair, not a long lasting relationship that was going to turn into something else (aka him leaving, divorcing his wife to be with you). Affairs have an expiry date, they don't last forever. Just enjoy the fact that you got to be with someone special to your heart and keep the memory. Whatever his reasons are for ending the A with you, are valid to him and maybe he saw how serious you were falling for him and he thought it would be best to end it before you got majorly hurt and things got complicated. 1
KathyM Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 you were falling for him and he thought it would be best to end it before you got majorly hurt and things got complicated. If that were his concern though, he would have not just fallen off the face of the earth. There would have at least been some explanation before cutting contact.
Author newlove Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 His decision to end contact was sudden, AFTER our last meeting where we enjoyed each other's company and he had wanted me to get my passport so I could go on vacation with him. He wasn't planning on leaving me. I think he didn't say goodbye because 1) he didn't want to see me again so he didn't want to call me to meet in person just to say goodbye. Why would he want to call me for a meeting that will turn out badly? He thought there was no reason to meet me and have to watch me cry. People call to meet up with the intention of having fun, and it wasn't going to be fun, so he thought there's no point to meet. 2) When I asked him questions in the past, he wouldn't answer them if it would mean mentioning his wife. Apart from telling me that he's married and wouldn't leave his wife, he hardly spoke about his wife. He's secretive when it comes to talking about his wife. Maybe he didn't want to meet me because he didn't want to tell me his (wife-related) reasons for ending our affair. That would have been an awkward meeting. Example: Me "Why?" MM "I can't tell you." I get hysterical because he won't tell me why. 3) Men are uncomfortable talking about feelings and being around emotional women. He didn't tell me he liked me through his words, he showed through his actions.
Owl Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 They "why" doesn't matter. It's the fact that he HAS gone NC with you, called his wife to be with him, and is now (apparently) moving in that direction. His motivations are irrelevent...his actions are irrefutable. That part of your life is over. Grieve, heal, and move on. 2
stillafool Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 His decision to end contact was sudden, AFTER our last meeting where we enjoyed each other's company and he had wanted me to get my passport so I could go on vacation with him. He wasn't planning on leaving me. I think he didn't say goodbye because 1) he didn't want to see me again so he didn't want to call me to meet in person just to say goodbye. Why would he want to call me for a meeting that will turn out badly? He thought there was no reason to meet me and have to watch me cry. People call to meet up with the intention of having fun, and it wasn't going to be fun, so he thought there's no point to meet. 2) When I asked him questions in the past, he wouldn't answer them if it would mean mentioning his wife. Apart from telling me that he's married and wouldn't leave his wife, he hardly spoke about his wife. He's secretive when it comes to talking about his wife. Maybe he didn't want to meet me because he didn't want to tell me his (wife-related) reasons for ending our affair. That would have been an awkward meeting. Example: Me "Why?" MM "I can't tell you." I get hysterical because he won't tell me why. 3) Men are uncomfortable talking about feelings and being around emotional women. He didn't tell me he liked me through his words, he showed through his actions. It is common for married people who engage in affairs to not talk about their spouses to the OM/OW. They see it as a sign of further disrespect to the spouse simply because information about the spouse is none of your business. Also they like to compartmentalize things. To him his marriage is his real life. Men will talk about their feelings when they are in love. His actions towards you is who he is as a person. He was kind to you. He probably goes overboard with kindness to his wife because that is the type of man he is. 1
ComingInHot Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 seething, wonder if you wouldn't mind an "edit" so to speak of your above post. I don't think new love will be alone Forever. Maybe w/out MM forever, but not Alone forever* Once new love comes out of her A-coma, I bet she sees love options surrounding her everywhere or at least around many corners.
Author newlove Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 "He needed a companion when his wife was not available. She is becoming available, so he dropped you." Did he get involved with me because he needed a companion? I don't think so because he video Skyped with his wife about 3 times a week for 35min each. Didn't that cure any loneliness he had, if any? Or did he need to be emotionally intimate with someone longer than 35min? Did he get involved with me because he needed a companion he could see in person? I doubt he was using me for sex because he does not need sex. He doesn't masturbate and he has refused sex to me several times when we had conflict. I initiated sex more times than he did. If I didn't sleep with him, it wouldn't be the end of the world for him. He wouldn't be pushy.
LilGirlandOW Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 (A) He wasn't planning on leaving me. (B) I think he didn't say goodbye because..??? © Apart from telling me that he's married and wouldn't leave his wife...... (D) He didn't tell me he liked me through his words, he showed through his actions. (A) Yes he was, he's not going to tell you that. It was inferred when he told you he wasn't planning on leaving his wife. Magicians never reveal their secrets, and had he told you this, you would loose the awwwe and he would possibly loose the sex. (B) Because he's a coward who runs like a rodent in a sewer when a light beams down. Also because he respects you so little he deems you unworthy of closure. This should make you angry to hear, Use this anger to fuel NC. © Thats the main point and your answer to any questions about the "Why" (D) Those actions are hoops, he needed to jump through to ensure that his intimacy needs were being met while he was away from his wife. He didnt feel the need for the verbal future faking as he was upfront about you being the bookmark for his wife's page. Sorry you're going through this, this really is my worst fear in my (long term) A, as like you I'm giving my MM my all and would be devestated if this scenario happened to me so ((BIG HUGS)) xoxox OP 1
stillafool Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 " Did he get involved with me because he needed a companion he could see in person? I doubt he was using me for sex because he does not need sex. He doesn't masturbate and he has refused sex to me several times when we had conflict. I initiated sex more times than he did. If I didn't sleep with him, it wouldn't be the end of the world for him. He wouldn't be pushy. This is very telling. Maybe he felt guilty sleeping with you and only wanted sex when he absolutely needed it. How do you know he doesn't masturbate? He may masturbate with his wife on Skype. You're right if you didn't sleep with him it wouldn't be the end of the world because he more than likely felt guilty after any sex the two of you had.
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 He chose his wife over over you. The reasoning doesn't matter. The end result is the same.
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