lauri Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 On Saturday, I opened my old phone with my old number to check my old whatsapp to see if a few friends left me a few messages and didn't get my new number. Shortly after opening it and noticing I got no messages, I closed my phone. For some reason, when I came home after a night out I turned on my old phone again. I noticed I got a message, and it was from my ex who must have saw I was online on my old phone's whatsapp earlier that day. She just messaged me and said "Hi". I immediately closed my phone and didn't message her back. Now I'm starting to wonder why she would contact me after 1 month of NC. Should I have just asked her what does she want to see what she had to say? I'd appreciate some feedback - I mean I completely cut her out and it must be bothering her as much as it has been with me, but really, would it be worth finding out what she wants?
movingonnow1 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) You shouldn't reach out to her considering it was on Saturday... ONLY If she messages you again you should think about msging her back to see what she wants Edited September 30, 2013 by movingonnow1
Chi townD Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Because if I remember correctly, you left everything to be with her. You turned down to renew your contract to work overseas so you could be with her. You came home to nothing being set up for you. No job, no place to live...you gave up everything to come back. And one day after your return, you lose your girlfriend. And she knows all of this and is feeling extremely guilty about it. Therefore! She is absolutely desperate to get you in the friend zone, if she was able to friend zone you, then she wouldn't have to feel so guilty about what she did and what she made you give up. I mean, she was so desperate to friend zone you that one of the last things she said to you was, " I can't believe that you're willing to throw away a three year friendship" Uh...excuse me, but, I thought you were in a RELATIONSHIP!!!! Dude, just continue to ignore her. Move on with your life and make it great! 3
reddragon588 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Don't message her at all with a lame breadcrumb like that. 2
Author lauri Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) Because if I remember correctly, you left everything to be with her. You turned down to renew your contract to work overseas so you could be with her. You came home to nothing being set up for you. No job, no place to live...you gave up everything to come back. And one day after your return, you lose your girlfriend. And she knows all of this and is feeling extremely guilty about it. Therefore! She is absolutely desperate to get you in the friend zone, if she was able to friend zone you, then she wouldn't have to feel so guilty about what she did and what she made you give up. I mean, she was so desperate to friend zone you that one of the last things she said to you was, " I can't believe that you're willing to throw away a three year friendship" Uh...excuse me, but, I thought you were in a RELATIONSHIP!!!! Dude, just continue to ignore her. Move on with your life and make it great! Everything you are saying is so true - if I was in your shoes I would tell me the exact same thing. Although I hate to admit it (b/c logically it doesn't make sense), I have this stupid hope that she will prove me wrong. For some reason, I keep getting reminded of all the things she told me before I came home about her wanting us to make it work, how she will try no matter what, etc. It was all BS. I felt good to know she messaged me and I didn't message her, but I also am realistic that a "Hi" is so weak and such a bad breadcrumb that it isn't worth even responding to. I feel like telling her directly what type of person I think she is, but I don't even want to give her the satisfaction of closure with me. Chances are there was another guy who she had feelings for and the distance made her lose interest in me - in the end seriously its her loss. I know I am a good catch and I have a lot to offer. Luckily I got a job interview tomorrow (which is hard to get around here), and I hope I will be able to get lucky and land this job so I can keep myself busy to get my mind off of her. Edited September 30, 2013 by lauri 1
OnlyHonesty Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 You say 'Hi' is a breadcrumb but even if she said something substantial or lengthy, you shouldn't contact her again period. If you do, then you will regret it and be back to square one. It takes a lot of strength but it has to be done. I would delete all of those ways of contacting her too. 4
movingonnow1 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) Listen Lauri...I want to take back what I said earlier about you potentially talking to her...I wasn't thinking straight myself...what everyone above has said makes a lot more sense. I get why you are the way you are...you seem like a reasonable / good guy who has his head on his shoulders and is very mature. Its just ur messed up because you waited an entire year for her, gave up so much and came back to nothing. I get it...seriously I do because I'm going through something similar. Think of her as a bad investment...you tried it out...she showed you her true colors and left you out to dry. Do you think you would have these principles and do this to someone? I don't think so... Edited September 30, 2013 by movingonnow1
lindsay1990 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Because if I remember correctly, you left everything to be with her. You turned down to renew your contract to work overseas so you could be with her. You came home to nothing being set up for you. No job, no place to live...you gave up everything to come back. And one day after your return, you lose your girlfriend. And she knows all of this and is feeling extremely guilty about it. Therefore! She is absolutely desperate to get you in the friend zone, if she was able to friend zone you, then she wouldn't have to feel so guilty about what she did and what she made you give up. I feel you on this one. I (being in grad school in my ex's home country) declined admission into a PhD program in France, refrained from applying to the PhD at the school/town I was in with my ex because "it's his last year anyway", refrained from writing a thesis which could have led to a publication in favor of taking courses that would make me eligible to practice Law there... just to stay with him. Did he ask me to? Well, no. Never. I don't know if this girl asked you outright but I realized mine never did but I just overly, oveeeeerly accommodated to our daydreaming and "plans". And well, look at where that got me. Not that LS and LSers aren't great and all, but ya know, ha. The lesson no one seems to mention is that these are sacrifices you MAKE FOR A SPOUSE, NEVER A BF/GF - not even if they ask. Your life is only yours and you're the only one that's gonna end up uprooted. Let's you and I try to keep this one in mind for the rest of our lives, ha. Everything you are saying is so true - if I was in your shoes I would tell me the exact same thing. Although I hate to admit it (b/c logically it doesn't make sense), I have this stupid hope that she will prove me wrong. For some reason, I keep getting reminded of all the things she told me before I came home about her wanting us to make it work, how she will try no matter what, etc. It was all BS. Yeeeeah, I do too... EDIT:: But not really after telling my ex to stay away from and that I'd rather die of screaming syphilis than go back to him, not even if he was the last man on Earth. Good luck on the interview! 3
Author lauri Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I feel you on this one. I (being in grad school in my ex's home country) declined admission into a PhD program in France, refrained from applying to the PhD at the school/town I was in with my ex because "it's his last year anyway", refrained from writing a thesis which could have led to a publication in favor of taking courses that would make me eligible to practice Law there... just to stay with him. Did he ask me to? Well, no. Never. I don't know if this girl asked you outright but I realized mine never did but I just overly, oveeeeerly accommodated to our daydreaming and "plans". And well, look at where that got me. Not that LS and LSers aren't great and all, but ya know, ha. The lesson no one seems to mention is that these are sacrifices you MAKE FOR A SPOUSE, NEVER A BF/GF - not even if they ask. Your life is only yours and you're the only one that's gonna end up uprooted. Let's you and I try to keep this one in mind for the rest of our lives, ha. Yeeeeah, I do too... EDIT:: But not really after telling my ex to stay away from and that I'd rather die of screaming syphilis than go back to him, not even if he was the last man on Earth. Good luck on the interview! Thanks so much for the best wishes. I'm so sorry for what happened to you...really am. I would never lead on a girl if I didn't want to stay with her and let it get to that point. Some people play dangerous games with other peoples hearts... The difference with my ex is she TOLD me she wants me to come home and she needs me back for us to work. She told me she needs to see me. Shortly after I made the decision to return, she started to get cold and distant. She started hanging out with new girls who she always partied with and went out with all the time. I am going through one of those mood swings knowing what happened with her and how I didn't deserve it. I deserved a lot more respect and consideration...especially because I was abroad...It wasn't like I was living 30 minutes away from her house. I was treating this r/s as if I was going to marry her - and she was too busy going out and pushing me away.
lindsay1990 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) Thanks so much for the best wishes. I'm so sorry for what happened to you...really am. I would never lead on a girl if I didn't want to stay with her and let it get to that point. Some people play dangerous games with other peoples hearts... The difference with my ex is she TOLD me she wants me to come home and she needs me back for us to work. She told me she needs to see me. Shortly after I made the decision to return, she started to get cold and distant. She started hanging out with new girls who she always partied with and went out with all the time. I am going through one of those mood swings knowing what happened with her and how I didn't deserve it. I deserved a lot more respect and consideration...especially because I was abroad...It wasn't like I was living 30 minutes away from her house. I was treating this r/s as if I was going to marry her - and she was too busy going out and pushing me away. Ha, thanks. First apology I got over this. Yeah, I mean this guy *wanted* to marry me. 5 days before we broke up we would look at rings, two nights before we were looking at venues. Were not engaged or anything obviously but were talking about it - parents aware that that's were we were headed-ish and that's what we wanted. However, after fight we had, he simply refused to stay together. Said we "fought too much", I've said before I didn't realize we were hanging by a thread otherwise I would have kept my mouth shut over the incident that caused the fight. But, we had made definitive and concrete plans about me changing my own plans to go be with him. I mean, we did move in together after speaking both to MY parents about where we were going. At the end though, dude jumped ship. What I'm trying to say is that people change their minds, and we really, really can't hold them to anything they said before. My ex spoiled me rotten with a gorgeous new apt, new furnishings and gifts constantly, as we were "building a home". Was it really that bad our fight? Not in my opinion. Had it been that bad? Yeah. I rearranged my plans to make it work because we understood it was the only way (maybe like you) and, like YOU, I was operating under the idea that I would marry him, and within the year. But, his feelings changed and I shouldn't have switched my life around without a tangible reason to make it worth - not my while - but my potential loss. Basically I'm saying that, at least on my part, I don't care who asks me to do something or what they ask me to do, if it's not my husband. Never, ever such big compromise for boyfriend. Edited October 1, 2013 by lindsay1990
Author lauri Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I agree with you to an extent. To be honest, I wouldn't change anything I did. I did what I felt was right, I did it because I loved her and wanted to make it work. You shouldn't have any regrets yourself for what you did. I would do it all again to learn what type of person she is when shes under pressure and how she truly felt about me. If she doesn't care about me after everything I sacrificed and did, then she clearly isn't worth my time. You will feel liberated when you find a man who will appreciate these things that you do - and stick by you through the tough times. I know I thought I was so close to finding it, perhaps distance ruined it but in the end it wasn't meant to be.
lindsay1990 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 You have the best attitude. I also think you acted in the utmost good faith possible in this situation, but I can imagine how sad it is to think you stuck it out so much to have it finally fall out when you were so close to the goal but you are right that she didn't appreciate but there is not better feeling than a clear conscience for yourself, lauri
Author lauri Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 You have the best attitude. I also think you acted in the utmost good faith possible in this situation, but I can imagine how sad it is to think you stuck it out so much to have it finally fall out when you were so close to the goal but you are right that she didn't appreciate but there is not better feeling than a clear conscience for yourself, lauri Lindsay it is sad, of course it is. I would be lying if I didn't feel sad, but in a way I think I should be relieved. I know it sounds strange / messed up, but I should be relieved I'm no longer with a person like this. No long with someone who made me believe something that clearly wasn't true - its not that I hate her or think she is the worst person in the world, I just think shes way too immature and way too all over the place to handle a guy like me. All I know is this experience will help me when I meet ms.right. And you can say the same for yourself, when you meet a guy who is really worth your time you will know this time for sure its worth to put everything into it. I think too many people are focused on finding the "spark" that once existed in the beginning of the relationship. In the end, that spark always dies and goes away - its how you compromise that makes the love with the person grow and doing the little thing. I thought my ex had the same mentality as myself, but she clearly doesn't.
Author lauri Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Hey guys, just thought I'd post to let you all know I got the job! Not saying this to brag or anything, but I hope things will be moving up for me now. I'm embarrassed to say, when I was driving after I got it I started to cry when I was thinking about how much I wish I could call my ex to talk to her about this. Its stupid, but I'm sure now that I'm going to be more busy things will only be moving up for me!
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