Forafriend333 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I am writing for a friend. I am a female and have given him my advice, but we need other opinions. He has been married for 7-10 years? He started expressing to me over 3 years ago, that he loved his wife but was not 'in love' with her. He has consistently felt this way. They have a great friendship, and she seems to be happy, so he cannot bring himself to hurt her by leaving her. Recently, he had a 3 week business trip on the other side of the US. On the first few days of the trip, he happened to meet someone while at a bar. He was not actively pursuing this, nor did he start the conversation. He did not see it as more than innocent conversation, so he didnt have a reason to go into detail about his personal life. The more they talked, though, the more he realized there was some spark, or some connection he had never felt before. Yes, he couldve told her at some point, but when youre feeling something for the first time, who would have done that? Long story short, they spent as much time together as possible over the course of the trip, and he has fallen in love for the first time in his life. He did not tell her he was married, and yes, before he left, he slept with her. At this point, he did tell her he was separated, because he was actually contemplating a new start in life with her. Here's the big kicker. He just found out his wife is pregnant. Soo, now that he is back home, he does want to do the right thing and stay with his wife and be a dad...but a part of him wants to pursue a life that would make him happy. He does not want to hurt this woman, but needs to know how to end things with her now that he has made a decision to stay with his wife due to her pregnancy. As bad as it may sound, he is not a bad guy, not an emotional guy. It just happened, and now he needs help getting out. Any real advice without criticism? He is fully aware of his decisions.
sweet_pea Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Wow, so he's fallen in love in 3 weeks. That's a new record. He needs to be honest with everyone, his wife & the other woman. He also needs to go NC with the other woman (NC = no contact). I personally think he needs to place some boundaries with you as well. He shouldn't be discussing his marital problems with anyone else but his wife (and counselor, if they so choose), especially not an opposite sex friend... it's my opinion that doing so is only opening the gates of an affair. 1
Author Forafriend333 Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Yes, I understand what you're saying. There is a long history of understanding between us and a comfort level in listening and being a friend without the tension of something sexual. It's fine...but I do feel bad for him. I have experienced the kind of chemistry he is feeling once in my life, and there is nothing stronger. But I had also advised no contact to him, so I'm glad you said that. He doesn't feel he can tell his wife how he truly feels because it would hurt her and he doesn't want to do that. Otherwise, he may as well leave if he could tell her the truth.
skywriter Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Well, here's a fine example of why being honest about your feelings with your significant other is important. If he'd have told his wife three years ago how he was feeling instead of his friend, maybe he'd be in a different situation. How great of a friendship is it, that he can't express his feelings to her, if he's consistently felt this way? "The more they talked, though, the more he realized there was some spark, or some connection he had never felt before. Yes, he couldve told her at some point, but when youre feeling something for the first time, who would have done that?" Plenty of people would've told they were married, spark or not. My advice, instead of being honest and open with his"friend", try it with his wife and see how things, " just happen", in the future. 2
ForeverHopeful1 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Ummmm well........ he could start being honest, first with himself then his wife and in DEAD LAST, this new woman he is in love with within days! Ridiculous if you ask me. I will never understand how you can be in love within the amount of time you went on a trip. If he is just "friends" with his wife, how in Gods name is she pregnant?
Author Forafriend333 Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 First of all your friend is a bag of well known cliches that are typical of folks that require heavy duty external validation. I am sure he has a few more up his sleeve. Lets look at the cliches: He started expressing to me over 3 years ago, that he loved his wife but was not 'in love' with her. This is what 99% of married people say when they need validation from the other spouse to feel happy. Once the thrill of the initial courting is gone these folks crave more "butterflies" to feel completed. And they have no clue about how to create "butterflies" with a partner they have known for a long time. These folks can only have "butterflies" with new people. Once the NEW becomes OLD the butterflies are gone. I am certain his wife also feels the same boredom, but perhaps she is happy on her own and has moved to the next stage of a long term relationship which is long term love. Since she does not require external validation to be happy she does not need to say the magic words. These people think that the butterflies are love and hence that is why he fell in love after meeting this woman in a bar.:laugh: He was not actively pursuing this This one is also universal and it is just crude rationalization. He went into the bar looking for SEX:love:, make no mistake about that. This guy is really good. Even you think he is some sort of victim that needs to be rescued. He just found out his wife is pregnant. Soo, now that he is back home, he does want to do the right thing and stay with his wife and be a dad...but a part of him wants to pursue a life that would make him happy. Typical cake eater words. Wants to do the right thing and make a huge sacrifice for the rest of his life. And I am certain his wife made him have sex with him and it was probably an awful experience.:lmao: Stay away from this man, he is a player and you fell for all his bull-dookie. Actually, the bar was in the hotel he was staying in, which he didn't even leave. Your response contains a lot more generalizing and stereotyping than not. Things aren't always cut and dry, although that would be great. Sometimes life just happens and you try to do the best you can with the decisions you've made. I've learned to never judge unless I've been in the exact same place. 1
C00kie Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) I am writing for a friend. I am a female and have given him my advice, but we need other opinions. He has been married for 7-10 years? He started expressing to me over 3 years ago, that he loved his wife but was not 'in love' with her. He has consistently felt this way. They have a great friendship, and she seems to be happy, so he cannot bring himself to hurt her by leaving her. Recently, he had a 3 week business trip on the other side of the US. On the first few days of the trip, he happened to meet someone while at a bar. He was not actively pursuing this, nor did he start the conversation. He did not see it as more than innocent conversation, so he didnt have a reason to go into detail about his personal life. The more they talked, though, the more he realized there was some spark, or some connection he had never felt before. Yes, he couldve told her at some point, but when youre feeling something for the first time, who would have done that? Long story short, they spent as much time together as possible over the course of the trip, and he has fallen in love for the first time in his life. He did not tell her he was married, and yes, before he left, he slept with her. At this point, he did tell her he was separated, because he was actually contemplating a new start in life with her. Here's the big kicker. He just found out his wife is pregnant. Soo, now that he is back home, he does want to do the right thing and stay with his wife and be a dad...but a part of him wants to pursue a life that would make him happy. He does not want to hurt this woman, but needs to know how to end things with her now that he has made a decision to stay with his wife due to her pregnancy. As bad as it may sound, he is not a bad guy, not an emotional guy. It just happened, and now he needs help getting out. Any real advice without criticism? He is fully aware of his decisions. Someone has wondered if he could really fall in love in 3 weeks. Well...10 seconds is all it takes to fall in love. As for the rest, honestly...what an awful situation. Don't know what to say. He SHOULD leave the wife...but pregnancy is not a good time, when the baby's born she'll need him and it's not a good time...it will never be a good time in the following years. Hope he goes through with what he feels in his heart. Edited September 30, 2013 by C00kie
KentuckyGent Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 He's in lust; not in love. True lasting love doesn't happen in 3 weeks. Pierre's post contains "generalizations" because this tale has literally been told a thousand times and the generalizations are all true. This sordid tale, unfortunately, is "cut and dry [sic]". You asked for thoughts but don't seem to like what everyone to a man (and woman) has told you about your "friend". He's not a passive-innocent bystander any more than I was although I played the victim quite well for a long time. He needs to own his role in it. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 The most important issue right now, is that he does not have unprotected sex with his wife. She is pregnant and the health of the baby is at risk.
ComingInHot Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 forafriend wrote, " He has been married for 7-10 years? He started expressing to me over 3 years ago, that he loved his wife but was not 'in love' with her. He has consistently felt this way." Quick question* what was he the first 4 - 7 years?
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