SameMistakes Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Is it wrong to be disgusted with a person who might actually be clinically depressed and/or suicidal??? I have been friends with this person for about 10 years now. I met him when I worked for his family's business in high school and we became close friends. We have kept in contact online over the years and we have talked about some pretty personal issues. Also over the past 10 years, his business has slowly been failing. Even when I worked there, he threatened to close it (as a punishment to the community for the lack of support, as he saw it) and yet somehow has miraculously held onto it for several years. About this time last year, he announced on the business' Facebook page that they would be closing. Alas, the business is still open but quickly approaching a deadline where they must buy new technology or will not have a choice but to close. He has talked about fundraising efforts for at least the past two years, and yet has done nothing. He and his wife constantly post on Facebook asking for fundraising ideas, yet never actually do any of them. It is so often, that there's no way I'm the only one that has grown tired of it and just wants to scream "stop talking about it and just do it!!!" I know my friend is depressed. That's understandable when you are facing the looming death of a business you have owned for 20 years. However, my capacity for pity and compassion seems to be running short. He threatens that he is tired of life, is a loser and the world would be better off without him (this isn't the first time he's said all this). I have told him he needs to tell his family or seek professional help but get no response. He is the type that would threaten something drastic just to get a reaction, and quite honestly it's draining. As long as I've known him, he has never done ANYTHING to improve himself or his situation. He has applied to a few other jobs but comes up with excuses about why they aren't a good fit. Meanwhile his own business sinks further and further into the hole. How do I handle this? I feel like I have told him "you are a wonderful person, your family and friends love you" enough. Is it wrong to distance myself? I feel like this is not my responsibility and it's time for him to step up. At the same time, I don't want to abandon him in his "hour of need." Any thoughts?
SoleMate Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I suggest reading The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns for its ideas about effective communication. He is a close friend and he deserves your caring honesty, not the bland statements about how "wonderful" and "loved" he is, particularly when you admit you are disgusted and want to scream. Try having an honest communication and see if things are different. 1
Jethro Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 All I can tell you is that much like drug addiction, there is nothing you can do other than say someone needs to get help. You make your case, then it's up to them. No one else can fix him, he has to do it himself and 100% himself. It's very, very hard in practice. The decision to cut contact is up to you- it means nothing in the great scheme of things, other than possibly making a statement. And it may be hard, but I suggest not just simply distancing yourself, but if you care about this person, tell them why you are doing so. Tell them it's exhausting dealing his depression, so I'm done. Just distancing yourself is kind of crappy and does nothing. Tell him he's being a douche- unless you don't really care for this person.
Author SameMistakes Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 I suggest reading The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns for its ideas about effective communication. He is a close friend and he deserves your caring honesty, not the bland statements about how "wonderful" and "loved" he is, particularly when you admit you are disgusted and want to scream. Try having an honest communication and see if things are different. SoleMate, you are right. He does deserve caring and honesty. I didn't realize how cold and unsympathetic my original post sounded. It's hard to summarize a 10-year friendship in one post. I am close friends with this person and have given him specific examples of the great things he's done with his life, assured him from personal experience that things will get better and that it's very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are going through something. I truly understand why he's depressed. He's gotten similar genuine, honest sympathetic words from many of his other friends. I do care about this person, but he has a tendency to be manipulative and I feel that rather than deal with his problems he uses them as an excuse to be mean to other people and feel sorry for himself. I guess my problem is whether I am beating a dead horse and I need to cut ties before it becomes a detriment to my own emotional health or if there truly is a chance that I could get through to him and I just haven't realized it.
Author SameMistakes Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 All I can tell you is that much like drug addiction, there is nothing you can do other than say someone needs to get help. You make your case, then it's up to them. No one else can fix him, he has to do it himself and 100% himself. It's very, very hard in practice. The decision to cut contact is up to you- it means nothing in the great scheme of things, other than possibly making a statement. And it may be hard, but I suggest not just simply distancing yourself, but if you care about this person, tell them why you are doing so. Tell them it's exhausting dealing his depression, so I'm done. Just distancing yourself is kind of crappy and does nothing. Tell him he's being a douche- unless you don't really care for this person. Jethro, I have learned what you said the hard way - that a person will not change or address a problem until they are ready. I do not think this person is in a position to be ready. I know his happiness is not my responsibility, but as a person who does take friendships seriously (despite my original post) I guess I'm trying to determine what my responsibilities as a friend really are...
love1336x Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 That's a tough situation... I don't think distancing yourself would be a bad thing.... I mean, who the hell wants to hear a person called themselves a loser all the time, and wanting attention and people to feel bad for him. I cannot stand people who can't help themselves especially if they can. Try some tough love on him. My male friend, is ALWAYS complaining how he is shy, how no girl wants him. How he will be single forever! He expect some girl to come to his house and ask him, "Ryan be my boyfriendd!" I one day came out bluntly, "Ryan, staying home all day and playing video games will NOT GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND." Lol, ever since then he has change a bit. Back to your friend, try some tough lovin' see how that plays out.
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