I need some support and ideas

[manji123]

Ok everyone, it's been a while since I've posted and a lot has changed but it's all been for the good. However, I find myself struggling with some issues and would love some advice and support.

 

Here is a quick breakdown of what's going on and what I feel could be contributing to my anxiety. I'll of course go into more specifics if anyone asks.

 

I've been divorced for over 3 years and do not miss my ex in the slightest. It's still hard for me to say because I don't like failing at things, but my marriage to her was a mistake. It ended with her abandoning me after cheating on me twice. By no means am I a perfect person but she also did things like take out credit cards in my name without my knowledge, got a nose job and spent a lot of money trying to get a singing career off the ground all while refusing to get an actual job. I'm a very grounded and sensible type of guy so being with someone like this... ugh I don't understand how it ever happened. lol

 

Point is I came out that relationship a changed person. I was relived and thankful to be out but now I've found myself to be a... somewhat paranoid and very distrustful person, which leads me to my current problem.

 

Since my divorce I was happy to be free and I was ready to date again. I should say that it took me over a year to even get my ex to begin divorce proceedings, because she was both several states away and "didn't have time to deal with it"

 

Anyway, after going over several dates and even having a 6 month relationship I was confident again and doing ok.

 

I then met a girl online that lived 4 hours away. She seemed to be everything I wanted. Beautiful, smart, responsible, nerdy... just the whole package for me. I didn't think anything would become of it but the next thing I knew, it did. For the next 8 months we talked daily over chat and nightly over the phone. We had weekend excursions and everything was great. It all ended up with me moving to be closer to her and now, 2 years later we own a 2 story house together are very much in love and plan to get married next year.

 

So what's my problem you ask? ... Freaking insecurity and just crap. I need some input here.

 

Over the course of our relationship I have learned things about her that surprised me. She has battled depression for the last few years, which was spurred by the loss of her mother. She was very close to her mother so it hit her especially hard. This led to her drinking for a while, which led to her doing some things that are not only out of character for her but also put her in bad situations, which she said at the time she almost felt like she wanted to be in.

 

During this time she had multiple one night stands and was just suffering. I found out later this is when we first began talking and she looks at me as the person that pulled her out of all of that. She now regularly sees a therapist and is doing fine.

 

But... I just can't let it go. This is where MY ISSUES are coming into play. I still want her to go out with friends and encourage her to do so but many of her friends drink.

 

Her best friend in particular, I believe is an alcoholic. He's a guy that is married, a 30-something like the rest of us and has a baby on the way with his wife. However, he's also unemployed and goes out every weekend to drink.

 

It's really none of my business but I personally don't care for it. He seems like an alright guy but whenever my girlfriend goes out with him it ends up with her having to drive him home and getting back at 3 am, which pisses me off. This is by no means a common thing and she is also annoyed by it and says that she never wanted to drink to begin with. She is only a social drinker and even then it's in moderation.

 

Basically, since we've been together she is no longer that person. The few times we've spoke about "where she was" before me she breaks down terribly. I know she is ashamed of all of that and it kills her to know what she did then.

 

But as I said I don't seem to be able to let it go. I still feel like she may get drunk and cheat on me. I have nothing more than my past to blame this on. I keep feeling like if a person that was beneath me in many ways would cheat on me, then someone that I value greatly will probably do it.

 

I know it doesn't make sense and that's why I'm looking for some input. I just need to talk this through. I feel like just writing this has helped some but... ugh. It's driving me crazy. I feel myself slip and for no real reason. I just feel trapped in a paranoid haze.

[soccerrprp]

I know it doesn't make sense and that's why I'm looking for some input. I just need to talk this through. I feel like just writing this has helped some but... ugh. It's driving me crazy. I feel myself slip and for no real reason. I just feel trapped in a paranoid haze.

 

manji123,

 

"...and for no real reason..."

 

You have your reasons. It sounds like your gf is involved in activity that could only lead to things getting worse for her. Why does she even go out with this guy? Why aren't you with her? Why don't you tell her to stop this and explain just how bad it is and for her?

 

Based on your past, you have every right to be uncomfortable, but try to keep it together. Saying that, you have some legitimate concerns, so don't minimize them to your detriment and don't over-blow them. Talk to her, seriously, about this and let her know, w/ no room for interpretation or ambiguity, just how you feel about all of this. If she complies, great. If not, you need to reconsider whether she is going to remain a good fit for you.

 

Good luck.

[OnlyHonesty]

I find it interesting how so many guys label their gut instincts as 'paranoia' or label red flags of a woman as 'my insecurity' or 'my issue'. What you have here is your gut screaming out to you to be very careful and if I was you I would really listen to this. In my opinion, it is not paranoia or insecurity, it is survival and common sense given what you have learned.

 

Now, everyone has the potential to change their ways, some have been through a lot and everyone deserves a chance. However, marrying this woman is simply asking for trouble and I think you would completely regret it in a few months after. Given your feelings for her, why not date her for longer instead of marrying her?

 

Why is there a hurry? It takes a very long time to get to know some one. How long was it before you saw your ex's true colours last time and if you took more time getting to know her, maybe it would have been different. The only problem here is that in some cases, women only show their true colours after being married though.

 

Just for a minute, go back to your statement 'I'm a very grounded and sensible type of guy so being with someone like this... ugh I don't understand how it ever happened.' Although that was pertaining to your last marriage, I could see it also applying to the one you plan to marry next year as well.

 

Many here may well try to get you to think your feelings are paranoia and insecurity but all I will say to you is follow your gut. Many do not realise that our gut is what sees what we either do not want to see or simply cannot see.

 

Marry this woman and the probabilities are extremely high, you will regret it. Date her for a while longer, learn from your previous mistakes and ask yourself whether you ignored your gut last time around and whether you are doing the same thing again this time. Sometimes the truth is an unpopular opinion though.

[manji123]

Thanks so much for the response and I value your input. I've answered your questions below.

 

manji123,

 

Why does she even go out with this guy?

They have been friends for a few years and like I said, he seems like an alright guy. They also don't go out that often. I just don't care for being around him because it always ends up watching him drink and drink and drink until he's a rambling drunk. I have no tolerance for that. She is aware of this and that's why she doesn't go out that much with him.

 

Why aren't you with her?

I tried in the beginning but as I said above I just got tired of dealing with it. In fact a few weeks ago we had plans to get dinner when she mentioned that we may meet her friend afterwards (at a bar of course) afterwards. I ended just saying I wasn't really up for going out and that she should go ahead and go. She ended up going but I just felt weird about the whole thing.

 

Why don't you tell her to stop this and explain just how bad it is and for her?

 

I have mentioned it before and there were two factors that ended up playing a role. 1. She gets very upset and breaks down believing that I don't trust her which to a degree is true. 2. It ends up turning into a situation where I'm acting like a "father" and she's a teenager. This isn't something neither of us want but it seems to dissolve into that.

 

She doesn't hang around a lot of the people that she had "encounters" with but unfortunately we are in a small town so her immediate circle of friends knows them so any big social gathering could end up with some of those individuals there. I avoid those situations like the plague. I know I should be more confident and I also feel like she won't do anything but dammit. It just drives me nuts.

 

I know this sounds horrible but I swear it's almost like I wish she would get wasted and do something dumb just so it would be over or something.

 

 

Talk to her, seriously, about this and let her know, w/ no room for interpretation or ambiguity, just how you feel about all of this. If she complies, great. If not, you need to reconsider whether she is going to remain a good fit for you.

 

I don't know the best approach for this because like I said, it ends up with her breaking down over her past.

 

 

Good luck.

[manji123]

OnlyHonesty

 

Thanks so much for your input and I thank you for supporting the idea that I give my gut feelings more credit.

 

I have been considering postponing the marriage. The original plan was for around this time next year but I just haven't felt right lately. I don't believe she's done anything. It's just the idea that if she were to slip into a depression, start drinking with "friends" and well it just all become a perfect storm scenario.

 

I just need to figure out how to approach this without her feeling I'm blaming her for something or that I don't trust her. She's even said to me that she feels I don't trust her and I guess I don't.

[Woop1337]

It all really depends on what you can and can't deal with. Determine if what she's doing is a deal breaker. Then act accordingly.

 

Is she trustworthy? Has she done anything else, besides what you posted, to shake your trust in her? If she's doing a marvelous job in other aspects of the relationship. Then you need to relax, cut her some slack and don't verbalize your concerns. Most likely she'll find that over bearing. Just keep your eyes and ears open.

 

Then again, you've already admitted you don't trust her. Because of her past. Well you better develop selective memory. You will always remember what she's done. In my opinion, forgiving and forgetting is one and the same. If you can't do one you can't do the other. Good luck.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Woop1337

[manji123]

Yes in all other areas she's doing great. Frankly in this one area she's not really doing anything wrong. She hasn't gotten drunk when she's gone out. The time she came home at 3am was what spurred our last fight and it was because I didn't hear anything from her the entire night. She left at 7 and I was expecting her back around 11ish. I was furious. I wanted to text her to make sure everything was ok but I didn't because I didn't want to seem clingy and also I didn't feel I should have to. It almost became a matter of misplaced principle.

 

Turns out her friend had gotten wasted and she had to drive him home. In other words the same old story when she goes out with this guy. They were with a group but when it came time to leave it fell on her to drive him home. I guess part of it is I feel like she is taken advantage of because she doesn't drink like that anymore and now by default whenever she shows up he knows she'll be his DD.

 

I don't know. I just feel like there will be a perfect storm where I'll come across as overbearing or something and it will all turn out bad. :/

[Woop1337]

She could always pay for a cab for him, or you could. It's not your obligation nor your responsibility to do so. But the point is, there's ways around the situation. No ones waving around a gun forcing her to drive her friend home.

 

Maybe you should look for a partner that doesn't go out drinking regardless of how sporadic it is. Like I said, it all falls on what you can and can't deal with. Jus saying.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Woop1337

[soccerrprp]

This behavior on your gf's part is sooo unacceptable. She doesn't go out as often, but STILL does even after your concerns. WHY does she feel that she has to???? She doesn't drink? Really? So, she's sitting back having sober-fun while her friend(s) drink and laugh it up?

 

She doesn't contact you about where and what she's doing and comes home at 3am? I really think this is an unhealthy relationship she has with him, you. She is placing herself in a potentially compromising position. So much can go wrong...

 

I just don't see good coming out of this even in the short-term.

[manji123]

Yes believe or not she really does only have one or two drinks when she's out with them. She says that they will look at her weird and then carry on. A little back history is she never really drank but found her friends did and so fell into the classic "you have to be drunk in order to be around drunks" philosophy.

 

Personally I think that's stupid and have told her so. She agrees and hasn't fallen back into that. I've gone out with her with these people before and I find myself being bored to death. Essentially it starts off where I can actually talk to some of them but as the night progresses it just turns into a bunch of 30 somethings reliving their college days -- in more ways than one.

 

I know she has grown tired of it as well, but the fact remains. Her friends are potentially a bad influence on her. The few fights we have are based around this. I love her very much but I'm also struggling to find a comfort level here. I'm also amazed that her friend's wife allows him to behave this way. Because as I stated before my gf doesn't go out with him hardly at all anymore but he still finds other people to go drink with. I don't mean to turn this on him but just looking for some other input here. He can't really have a great relationship with his pregnant wife if she's the only one with a job and he's hitting bars every weekend. I mean just from a money factor that can't be good.

[manji123]

Oh I should also add that she has gone out "for a girl's night" a few times and was back a little early because they wanted to just drink and bs. She didn't want to so she came home. It just seems that with this friend she feels to need to look after him or whatever.