Break up? Take a break?

[Spira]

Where do I begin? I love my boyfriend very much and I don't want to lose him. We have been together for 2.5 years, live together, built a life together, and hope to one day be married. But I have some issues with him right now that I am not prepared to deal with and have become very unhappy. I am undecided on what to do, but I know that I have to do *something*, because at this point I can't really stand to go on hurting.

 

Let me tell you what's bugging me so much:

 

1. The whole porn thing... I know all of you have heard more than enough about this issue, and I won't bother you with details. Let's just say that he takes it to a level that I am extremely uncomfortable with.

 

2. While there's not a complete lack of sex, and I know that he still wants me, I am simply not satisfied with our sex life.

 

3. I feel as if I am dealing with issues that effect how I feel about trust, sex, security, and other related things. Don't know what brought this on for me, but it is destroying me. Not sure that I should drag him through this as I figure things out.

 

4. I am constantly getting annoyed with him for small things because I am frustrated with dealing with the bigger ones.

 

5. We are having difficulty communicating. And even more difficulty resolving our problems.

 

You know, on top of all that, the little hurtful things gather up until it's a giant mess. Today I found a stack of naked pictures of his ex-fiance that he told me he threw out when I moved in with him. And a few days ago, I discovered that he ordered more porn vids & a subscription to a website, so I decided that it was time to say something to him. I sent him an e-mail explaining how I felt about the whole issue. He hasn't responded to me in any way - he just read it & ignored it and has been continuing the same behavior like nothing happened.

 

I have two questions, now:

1. Should I reveal to him that I was kind of poking around through his stuff & found the pictures of his ex? I *really* want to confront him on this issue as well as everything else stated above. I realize it is time to buckle down & discuss things.

2. If we can't come to an agreement or if nothing changes, is it time to break up? Take a break? Or do something else?

 

Thanks <3.

[bluechocolate]

I sent him an e-mail explaining how I felt about the whole issue. He hasn't responded to me in any way - he just read it & ignored it and has been continuing the same behavior like nothing happened.

 

Wow, you sure are right about having communication issues! You live together, don't you? And yet you sent him an email?

 

I realize it is time to buckle down & discuss things.

 

Yep. That's the first thing to do. Forget about the future for the time being. You two need to sit down, face-to-face, and talk. Tell him about finding those pictures - there is little point in reaching the decision to talk if you're going to hold back on some of the stuff that is really bothering you (and yes - those pic's should bother you). The first thing you need to do is find out how important your relationship is to him & how willing he is to work on making things better - and how willing you are too.

[Lainie]

I agree with bluechocolate. You need to sit down and talk to him. I know it must have been hard for you to bring up this topic of converstaion, hence your e-mail to him, but you have to do this face to face. IF you're upset, then you need to tell him. I had an argument with a guy on this site about porn a while back. It's a very contentious issue. Some men think it's their God given right to have porn. I don't think so, especially when the other party is hurt or effected.

 

I'll proabaly get shot down again for saying that, but porn can be a problem for some people. It makes some women feel insecure within their relationships. It's not nice to think about your boyfriend getting off by looking at other women. They should be satisfied with you, right? That's how a lot of women feel. Some men just don't get that. It's easier for them to blame a woman's self esteem as being the issue and usually tell you to deal with it.

 

Well i tell you, if it's upsetting you, then it's a probelm. If your boyfriend is going to disregard how you feel about this, then it's only going to be a bigger problem later on. This issue can sometimes be a catalyst for so many other emotions and feelings. If you dont deal with it and let it fester, then you'll get resentful and feel more insecure and this may open up another can of worms.

 

Just approach him and see what he has to say. Give him the benfit of the doubt and see what he's willing to do. Maybe you both can compromise and figure out a solution that suits you both. Good luck!!

 

 

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Spira

 

I have two questions, now:

1. Should I reveal to him that I was kind of poking around through his stuff & found the pictures of his ex? I *really* want to confront him on this issue as well as everything else stated above. I realize it is time to buckle down & discuss things.

2. If we can't come to an agreement or if nothing changes, is it time to break up? Take a break? Or do something else?

 

 

In regards to question #1, no, you should not confront, his behavior is normal for a man. We don't like to throw out pix of our ex girlfriends whether they are naked or not and it is not you right to ask him to do so. You can ask him to lock them up and keep them in the attic. These pix are memories we cherish and it is fun to look at pix of your old flames.

 

In regards to question 2, yes, you both should take a break for 2 or 3 months but set the ground rules first for the seperation.

[Spira]

Thanks, you guys.

[Spira]

BTW, I have calmed down a lot since I found the pics this morning. Probably just 'cause I'm tired. lol.

[Spira]

Sorry to be annoying. I am just growing increasingly nervous as it gets closer to the time he comes home because I know I have to talk to him. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach...