Boyfriend sharing dogs with his ex-fiance long after breaking up(3 yrs)!!!

[COFFEE TALK]

Hi Friends, I'm new here; but I have a SERIOUS problem, and I NEED YOUR HELP!!!

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and I am in love with him, he says he's in love with me; since the beginning he wanted to start talking about having a future with me, I was nearly scared away. We're living together, we want this to work...... BUT he is still sharing his 2 dogs he got with his ex-fiance from 3 years ago. I am NOT ok with this!! I have made this EXTREMELY clear, that if this doesn't change, that it will cause detrimental problems to our relationship; that was 9 months ago; 6 months ago I told him this might lead to the end of our relationship if he can't find a solution..... 3 months ago I told him I was going to leave him; he kept needing more time. The other day he sat down on the couch and calmly said he was just going to go bring the dogs over to her and the truck(that they are also co-sharing) and he'd be back in 20 minutes; he said it as if we had never had a thousand horrible fights about this exact issue; ones that almost ended our relationship..... I am now going to leave him. I'm moving out in a few days; he's begging me to stay.

This is so ridiculous; I'm exhausted. I don't want to leave him, but I feel SO sick inside and disrespected to a point where, I really don't know if I can trust him anymore.

 

I'm so devastated..... but I think, if I respect myself, I have to go, right??

Am I crazy? I just need to draw a boundary; are we going to get married and plan our lives together and have his ex come over every few weeks to pick up the dogs??! I mean, seriously, you guys, what the hell should I do? I'm SO confused!!

[emva07]

seems like an excuse to keep seeing each other. I'm sorry but dogs aren't the same as kids. Seems like you have your answer and are doing what's best for you.

[darkmoon]

"he kept needing more time"

 

 

time for what precisely?

[AMusing]

Sharing dogs.... Oof. I have to admit, I kind of understand it. If someone wanted to take my dogs from me they'd have to pry them out of my cold, dead fingers. If I had to see my ex in order to see my dogs, I would in a heartbeat (I don't, thank god). People have sued for custody of their dogs after a divorce, so I know I'm not alone in that feeling. Giving up an animal you really love--one who's been your best friend for years, one who has licked away your tears when you're down and shared in your happiest adventures--would be profoundly hard. If they are mature enough to deal with it, I can see the temptation to share "custody." Especially since he was open about it with you all along, it seems very unfair that you've put your foot down now, after he's fallen in love with you. On the other hand, sharing a truck for all this time is really strange. Have you ever gone with him when he drops them off? His interaction with the ex should tell you a lot: whether it's a matter of loving his dogs enough to deal with seeing her, or using them as an excuse to stay close.

 

I get that you don't like how much contact he has with his ex. Just realize, if you force him to give up his dogs in order to be with you, you will be the woman who forced him to turn his back on his best friends. I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who forced me to give up my guys, and it sounds like your boyfriend isn't sure he can make that sacrifice either. Even if he does it, there easily could be resentment from him.

[Art_Critic]

She isn't asking that he give up his dogs, she is asking that he stop sharing them with his ex and rightfully so.

 

If they are her dogs then he needs to grow a spine and go get his own and stop sniffing around the ex looking for whatever, if they are his dogs then he needs to grow a spine and tell his ex that the sharing needs to stop.

 

Life is too short.. ruining a good relationship over an ex is just stupid...

 

Easy Peasy....

[ASG]

It sounds like they are THEIR dogs.

You know... they were living together and got dogs, together?? They're THEIRS.

 

I know that, if it was me, I would NOT stop sharing my dogs. Because either I would be giving them up or the ex would. I don't think that's an option for a lot of people.

 

I know some people will disagree, but pets are like family. I would never give one up for a relationship.

 

And like it was pointed out, you knew going in that he shared dogs with his ex. If that was such a deal breaker, you shouldn't have gotten involved.

[SoleMate]

Sharing dogs actually wouldn't bother me (that's just me). As long as they really just share the dogs and it's not a cover for something else. It would be nice to have a pre-approved dogsitter every time you want to go out of town.

 

The truck OTOH....harder to understand. It's a financial and logistic entanglement that seems less necessary. After all, the truck does not need a sitter! Still, that's their agreement. Again, if it's a straight-up sharing agreement and not a cover story, it gets a big shrug from me. But that's just me. If you can't stand it, let him know, and if he's not willing to change it, then.....deal with his decision and make your own choice.

[TheGuard13]

Dogs might not be children, but when a split occurs, the dynamic can be similar. People love their animals.

 

I think you need to compromise on this. Either arrange a time every so often that she can go see the dogs where he has them, or let him take them to her.

 

What's the real issue here?

[hppr]

A friend of mine does this with his separated wife. They have split for like 4 years now but still share these ugly little chihuahas.

 

While they aren't having sex he's told me numerous times that he wants her back. So sharing dogs is a way of keeping the lines of communication open.

 

I guess it comes down to whether or not you can put up with this.

 

Dogs live a long time so you might be celebrating your 5yr wedding anniversary by dropping the dogs off at his ex's house.

[Janesays]

What if he arranged a go between? A third party to pick up and deliver the dogs on his behalf? There are plenty of pet taxi services he could utilize thus sharing the pets without having to lay eyes on the ex.

[lollipopspot]

If I trusted him, I actually wouldn't see a problem with this. In fact I'd be glad that they managed to have a break-up and still remain civil, and that they're able to remain cooperative. It would give me some faith that we could have a decent break up too, if that were to happen.

 

Do you think he's still into her?

[Copelandsanity]

What is his response to your opinions on these issues?

 

I've taken care of my sister's dogs while she was on vacation and I developed love for them while doing so. I walked them, cleaned their paws, combed their hair, fed them, gave them their medications and supplements, played with them, and hung out with them on the couch while watching TV. I can understand how difficult it would be for someone to part with their dogs. It would be like losing someone in their family.

 

The truck thing could be him avoiding a confrontation with his ex. With a divorce, one would keep the truck and the other would get 1/2 the equity. In his case, he would have to ask his ex to pay him that money if he wanted to give up ownership.

[CherryT]

It sounds like they are THEIR dogs.

You know... they were living together and got dogs, together?? They're THEIRS.

 

I know that, if it was me, I would NOT stop sharing my dogs. Because either I would be giving them up or the ex would. I don't think that's an option for a lot of people.

 

I know some people will disagree, but pets are like family. I would never give one up for a relationship.

 

And like it was pointed out, you knew going in that he shared dogs with his ex. If that was such a deal breaker, you shouldn't have gotten involved.

 

 

I can't agree with this more. I am a dog advocate. I love dogs... I volunteer at shelters a lot and I rescue them and foster them when I can.

 

I have friends who were together for over 10 years. They were married and had 2 dogs because my friend couldn't physically have children of her own. After they divorced, they still had visitations with their dogs... she would end relationships when a man didn't understand that the dogs were a part of their family. She was unwilling to just give the dog up and so was he - which I think is 100% understandable. Some people do think that they're "just a dog" but others don't see it that way. I don't see my dogs as "just dogs".

 

I cried way more when I lost my dog then when I lost my ex boyfriend. My ex boyfriend seemed like nothing compared to me losing my dog. That pain really hurts...

 

If I was your boyfriend and I had nothing to hide and the only issue was sharing custody of my dog, I'd tell you to hit the road. I'm not the jealous type and if you give me a reason to not trust you, I won't. But if I'm doing the best that I can to show you that there is NOTHING going on and you simply just think it's easy for me to "give her the dog/give him the dog" and so we can have a relationship with no drama? No thanks. I will not give up my dog.

 

Have you tried to go with him to drop off/pick up the dog? If you go with him, you can make certain he's not hiding anything.

[Shepp]

I've got to say I'm with your bf on this one - what do you want him to do give up his dogs?

 

Obviously in an ideal world he'd have them full time and wouldn't have to see his ex but I can totally understand why his ex wouldn't want to give up her dogs same as he wouldn't!

 

I'm taking a punt youve never kept a puppy/dog - if you did I think you'd get it!

 

I would never ever ever ever give my dogs up! That's like asking me to give my family up! ...I think maybe only 'doggy' people understand that dogs are family!

 

Anyway at the end of the day you either trust him or you dont!

[Shepp]

I cried way more when I lost my dog then when I lost my ex boyfriend. My ex boyfriend seemed like nothing compared to me losing my dog. That pain really hurts..

If I was your boyfriend and I had nothing to hide and the only issue was sharing custody of my dog, I'd tell you to hit the road. I'm not the jealous type and if you give me a reason to not trust you, I won't. But if I'm doing the best that I can to show you that there is NOTHING going on and you simply just think it's easy for me to "give her the dog/give him the dog" and so we can have a relationship with no drama? No thanks. I will not give up my dog.

 

totally with you!!