JDL_89 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Hi guys, Just looking for some input and advice I guess. I recently broke up with a long term girlfriend (about 4 years). We are both at a point of pretty significant transition, although going to purposely keep this a bit vague. She started a new job in a new city in the past few months, and at the same time I have moved to the east coast from the west coast for business school. Obviously that's difficult, but we had been planning that she would move to be with me once I had landed a job, with the expectation of eventually getting married. Over the past about four months of being apart, a couple things have happened. First, she's really happy with her job/friends where she's at, and started doubting that she could move for me. This, coupled with the natural difficulties of being in a long distance relationship, lead both of us to think we should break up. So a few weeks ago we pretty mutually broke up, although she initiated the conversation. At the time, I thought I wanted to. We were both very upset, she was crying, but the decision seems to make sense. I've since come to feel that it's a mistake. About a week ago, I reached out to her to say that I thought this was wrong, etc. She is certainly upset, but was very confident that she needed time apart to find out who she is and if she could even make such a big commitment and move for me. I should note we are both early/mid 20s. Anyway, I'm struggling to accept the situation because this is not a situation with any animosity or anything, and feel we would definitely not be breaking up if our circumstances had not changed so significantly. So what would you all do? I have only spoken with her once since the break-up, for the conversation mentioned above, and have no intention of being in further contact with her. But i'm struggling with that, and am not sure it's right given the circumstances. Would really appreciate your thoughts.
sjm Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 My ex said to me that he knew if he really wanted me to be happy he had to let me go. I don't know if he is talking bull**** or not to try and ease is conscience but I think that you should think about those words in your situation. Her compromising her life to move to you is a big thing and something that you would want her to do on her own without pressure or she will resent you. I know this may be hard for you and will hurt a lot but it is the right thing to do. You don't want to guilt her into being with you. Let her know that you are letting her go but will be here if she decides to come back. Kind of a cliche "If you love someone let them go, if they love you they will come back if they don't they never did" kind of thing.
Author JDL_89 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 My ex said to me that he knew if he really wanted me to be happy he had to let me go. I don't know if he is talking bull**** or not to try and ease is conscience but I think that you should think about those words in your situation. Her compromising her life to move to you is a big thing and something that you would want her to do on her own without pressure or she will resent you. I know this may be hard for you and will hurt a lot but it is the right thing to do. You don't want to guilt her into being with you. Let her know that you are letting her go but will be here if she decides to come back. Kind of a cliche "If you love someone let them go, if they love you they will come back if they don't they never did" kind of thing. Yeah, I guess that is pretty much the way things stand. You're right of course that I can't pressure her, and I really haven't. I guess I'm wondering if it is best in this situation to have absolutely no contact with her given that, in my mind at least, this break-up is mostly circumstantial. She even says she does not know that she wants this to be permanent. But how am I supposed to act then? I'm torn between having absolutely no contact unless she eventually comes back with interest in trying to make it work, or trying to be in touch eventually. It just seems so unlikely that we can reconcile without a conscious effort at maintaining some sort of connection since our lives are now SO separate. Of course, I am not at a point where I could just have casual contact, so kind of a moot point for now. Thanks for your input, would love any more thoughts.
Recommended Posts